In my book a win-win family is one where everyone feels good about being part of the family and good about themselves.
Sounds good, but how do we get from here to there?
Simply put, it flows out of our attitudes and our outlook on life. (How would I know that's true? Hmmm . . . )
Here's a starter list of qualities I learned were worth working on.
1. Love that never keeps score
- We avoid keeping track of who-does-most, whether in our marriage, our parenting or around the house.
- Bury the idea of a 50-50 marriage. In the happiest marriages, husband and wife each think 100-100.
- In a marriage--or a family--it's never win/lose. Either everybody wins or everybody loses.
2. Mutual respect
- Personalities differ. God creates individuals, not peas in a pod.
- Differences of opinion are inevitable, but keep it loving.
- Respect means valuing each other's rights and individuality. Without this, self-respect withers. So does love.
- We try always to lift each other up instead of tear each other down.
- We speak as kindly and positively to each other as we would to a friend. We also speak well about each other.
- When we blow it--and we will--we ask forgiveness and start over.
3. Honesty and consistency
- Make home the place where parents know they can trust their kids and vice versa, simply because it's where everyone tells the truth. Always.
- Tell the truth kindly.
- We parents aim to say today the same as we said yesterday and will say tomorrow. (If we change, we explain why.)
- Mom and Dad talk things over and arrive at a united position before saying "yes" or "no." That makes it useless to play one parent against the other.
4. Parents in charge
- Food for thought: "There are a lot of dictators out there. Most of them are not as tall as a yardstick." --Unknown.
- Every child wants to run the universe, some more than others. No kid who does is a happy kid.
- Establish early on--long before kids are eye-to-eye with their parents--that God put Mommy and Daddy in charge: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.--Ephesians 6:1.
5. Gratitude
- We pause often to give thanks for the love and faithfulness present within our marriage. It's a choice. A love gift.
- Nurture thankfulness by frequently talking about God's blessings--and point them out when you can.
- Teach young children to say, "Thank you," and to thank God. Teach them simple prayers, such as this table prayer: "God is great, God is good, And we thank Him for our food."
6. Kindness and empathy
- We strive to live out kindness within our family.
- Develop empathy by asking, "How would you feel if . . .
- Help children identify their emotions, e.g., "You're feeling angry, aren't you?" "You feel happy when we go to to the park," etc.
- Watch for opportunities to speak honest praise such as, "That was kind," and "You worked really hard on that, didn't you?" (Earned praise reinforces good behavior.)
7. Parental role-modeling is pivotal
- A powerful truth for moms and dads: "What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you say." --Emerson.
- Children naturally become much like their parents in their habits and outlook--even when they don't intend to.
- A basic truth in life seldom varies: We get back what we give out. In our family. In our marriage.
- Jesus said it first: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." --Luke 6:31.
9. Faith in God
- Life is hard, even for kids.
- It helps to have a Friend at our side, who will listen and love us, no matter what. Youngsters feel comforted to know, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."
- The power to live--and have the family life we want--comes from the Power living within us.
None of us can be all these things, all the time. But with God's help we have a family where love reigns. And that's the real win.
Learning, too,
Lenore
