A Woman's View

How would you complete this sentence, "I would be happy IF . . . "?

Have you ever said anything like this?                     

    If only I meet the right man and fall in love, then all my dreams will come true. 

    If only we had better communication then our marriage would be perfect.

    If only we had a baby I know it would draw us closer. 

    If only I were a better mother . . .

    If only he were a better father . . .

    If only our kids went to better schools . . .

    If only my husband earned more money . . .

    If only we had a bigger/newer/nicer house in a better neighborhood, then life would be perfect.

    If only our children finish school and get good jobs and marry the right people then I can stop worrying about them.

    If only I knew all our family had salvation in Jesus Christ I could be at peace.

    If only I had the body I used to have . . .  

    If only growing older weren't so scary . . .

    If only . . . then . . .

    If only . . .

    If.

Each of us has a list of if onlys and they vary over a lifetime. I know from experience how easily they drag us down and make us discontented.

What about the here-and-now?

Mythical thinking keeps us dreaming of a place where everyone and everything is--or could be--perfect, as if we were princesses in a fairy tale.

Um, there ain't no such place.

And if we spend too much time in Make Believe Land we miss out on the sweet reality of our lives, like watching our children grow into themselves. (That doesn't end with their teenage years, by the way. It's a lifetime process.)

It's as if we put on blinders and don't see change and growth in our family members. When we don't even notice how they stretch and gain understanding, why should they keep trying?

Worst of all we overlook God's daily blessings to us, large and small, so we miss out on the joy and neglect to say, "Thank you, Lord."

Energy we invest into wishing goes missing from our family relationships and friendships.

If we want to change, we're on our own

Except we're not, of course. First comes our willingness, our choice to live in the now and to love in the now. What God said to the Israelites applies to us, too. From Deuteronomy 30:19:

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

Then we ask for help from the One who never takes His eyes off us.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.   --Psalm 46:1

When we feel overwhelmed by past failings, we turn to the One who makes all things new.

If anyone is in Christ he (or she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.   --2 Corinthians 5:17

If we wonder how to be "in Christ," we can find the answer in John 3:16 and 17. That's the starting place and the ending place.

Hope you don't mind, but I think of you readers as friends, even though we probably haven't met. Thanks for stopping by! I'd love to hear from you, so your comments, please.

Warmly,

Lenore

 

 

Want to change your life? Change your thoughts

I know, I know, that sounds too simple. I wouldn't believe it, either, if I hadn't lived it.

You see, for years I lived by circumstances.

Too often my mood rested on factors such as whether I got up with a headache. Whether it was raining. Whether the baby wailed or my husband seemed anxious.

The typical stuff of every day could turn me depressed or grouchy in no time.

Times like that I wasn't much fun to live with.

Oh, I did apologize with my well-worn apology. It went like this, "Sorry, Hon, I can't help it. That's just the way I am."

Enter "The Worry Clinic"

Then our daily newspaper started running this syndicated column by Dr. George Crane. Three times a week I devoured every word, but in the beginning I carried on a running argument with him in my mind.

I checked Dr. Crane's New York Times obituary. He wrote that column for over sixty years, until shortly before he died in 1995, at age 94.

Dr. Crane, a trained psychologist and a physician, always described his advice as "old-fashioned horse sense."

Which it was, I suppose. I remember one of his oft-repeated statements word-for-word.

"Act the way you want to feel and soon you'll feel the way you act."

The first time I read that it made no sense, but it opened my mind a crack. He had a favorite theme, that what we feel stems from what we think.

Here's a loose translation of how Dr. Crane explained the process:

You can change your thoughts as deliberately as you change stations on your radios or channels on your television sets. Switching your mind to another frequency is just as easy. All it takes is some practice.

That bumped me up against an uncomfortable fact I didn't want to face. I kind of liked being able to justify myself with,"I can't help it. That's who I am."

First I was shocked. Then I prayed.

Time's a'wasting

I became aware how our children reflected my moods. Before there was one sometimes-mopey mom. Now four sometimes-mopey copycats lived in the same house.

No wonder I pounced on Dr. Crane's "horse sense."

He primed readers not to expect an overnight transformation. The captain of an ocean liner can't turn 180 degrees all at once, he said Neither could we.

But, he promised, we could turn one degree, 180 times.

Before I had prayed for God to change me, then waited for it to happen.

Now I understood my part of it was to act in faith. That is, I needed to pray and trust, yes, but then move ahead and act as if God already answered and changed me. As time went on these actions began to feel "natural."

After awhile I could see how small, incremental moves brought big benefits. Home became a happier place--for all of us.

Branching out from Dr. Crane

I read the Bible and underlined verses. I haunted the public library and brought home stacks of books on personal growth, marriage and parenting. I took notes when something "hit me and fit me," as a friend used to say

Older books, newer books, it didn't matter. I devised my own criteria.

1.) Did the principles in this book conflict with what I believed as a Christian or with my personal values? (If so I set it aside.)

2.) Did the author use jargon or explain concepts in plain English?

After years of reading and living, here's what I know is true

• It's not the circumstances of our lives that determine our mindset; what matters most happens between our ears.
  
• Our emotions do flow out of what we feed our minds, just as Dr. Crane said.
  
• We are not alone. The power to help us change is available. All we need to do is ask.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. --Psalm 29:11

Now, what do you think?

Blessings,

Lenore

Calling all happy mamas--or wannabes

If Mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy.

That folk saying is uncomfortably true. Our moods affect our husbands and our chidren.

Years ago I heard humorist Sam Levenson tell of his childhood and I remember it still. It went something like this. "When I was a kid our family was dirt poor, but none of us kids knew it. We all thought we must be rich. Otherwise why would our parents laugh so much and why would all our friends want to come to our place?"

According to her son, Mama Levenson gets the credit.

Like it or not, we wives are the barometer of our homes

Our Creator wired male and female differently, but most of us would agree that's true. We gals usually are more emotional, the nurturers. Let's call that difference what it is: A blessing. A privilege. We are people of influence, which has nothing to do with getting a paycheck.

Whatever our personality strengths and weaknesses, real life calls us to do what needs to be done. To give what would bless the people we love. To be who we're called to be in the present moment, day after day, no matter what else we must do.

Looking for personal space

Even in the midst of busy, happy family life we can get stuck on needing "space to breathe." All we can think of is our "want to" list.

Count me in that number. I know how feeling sorry for ourselves can turn sunny days into gloom in no time. Then it was easy to believe I always ended up doing (I thought) the most and giving (I thought) the most.

One day I wailed my, "Why me?" and distinctly heard a voice asking me back, "Why not you?"

That left me speechless.

I took a long look at the facts of my life. By the grace of God a good man loved me--and put up with my many flaws. I truly loved and respected him. With four healthy kids, enough to eat and a safe place to live, I knew I was blessed and I did thank God.

So why would I allow myself to be dragged down by issues with no more substance than a gnat?

Getting back to center

Here's what I've learned and know for sure. You and I create the world we--and our families--inhabit.

Our children, at least in their early years when their lifeviews are being formed, read us and look at life through our eyes. We have it in our power to give them a great gift, the in-their-bones conviction that the world is a happy place. That God loves them and watches over them.

How do we handle the inevitable hard times? Here's what helped me. My outlook began to change the day I promised myself--and God--I absolutely would not give in to self-pity anymore. No matter what, I would act as if life was good.

In the beginning that felt almost dishonest.

Bible truths can fill in the empty spaces

In the early stage of my experiment I had no proof it would work. I looked for reinforcement and turned to the Bible. I found Paul's letters, like Ephesians and Galatians, a good place to start.

Some verses really spoke to my heart, as well as quotes from good books. I wanted to hang onto them, so I wrote them down. Today I dig through those old notebooks like a gold miner working her claim.

Verses like this helped me immensely:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -- Colossians 3:12

(Do I need to tell you I'm still growing in this one?)

Trust me, when Mama lives happy, everyone is happier. Even Mama.

Your comments, please.

Put the life back in your life

Thank you, one and all who read this blog! I am humbled and I never take you for granted. My apologies for the big gap in posting. I've been fighting a virus that morphed into a nasty case of bronchitis.

Sometimes life feels as flat as a soda that's lost its fizz.

That mood can strike any of us, any time of the year, even though what's in our "glass" remains the same. Yet we see emptiness, not fullness.

We call it as we see it, not as it is.

We do that with family members and friends, too, and see only their faults. We say, "Well, nobody's perfect and nobody's life is perfect, but . . ."

That little voice asks, Couldn't my life be a bit, um, more? Couldn't that other person change just a little bit? If only . . .

I've learned it's risky to hang around too long in the land of "If only."

My friend, Ginny, never goes there. She has a basketful of problems, but you'd never guess. Ask her how she's doing and she usually replies, "Great! If my life got any better, I couldn't stand it!"

Ask her to elaborate and she'll say, "Well, I'm still breathing in and out. I can get around on my own steam and my mind still works. I can see, even if I do need Coke-bottle eyeglasses to do it. I have a roof over my head and I eat pretty regularly. I'm part of a church family, where we love the Lord and we love each other. Best of all, I know Jesus loves me and watches over me, so I am rich." 

Every time Ginny repeats all the reasons she has to be thankful it reinforces in her mind that she's blessed and shifts her thinking to what's good and right and true.

Sounds too simple? Most great truths are.

What if you and I counted our blessings not just on Thanksgiving, but every day of the year? Suppose we gave up harping on what's wrong and bemoaning what's missing and deliberately focused on what's good. Picture starting each day with, "Thank you, Lord, for this day and for for every blessing. Thank you for promising to be with me every minute. Guide me and use me, I pray."

Think how it could affect our marriages, our family relationships and friendships.

Researchers say don't stop there

Don't take my word for it. A Texas Tech University study proved the value of counting our blessings and then counting them again. They divided study participants into two groups with similar life situations. Those who frequently and deliberately took time to re-appreciate the good in their lives scored themselves as happier than those who didn't.

Researchers concluded that counting our blessings--over and over--reminds us of their value and helps us stay contented.

Our perception of life depends on where we look.

Most of all it helps if we take our eyes off the gifts and focus on the Giver. He's the real source of life in our life. Here are some verses to get us started.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.                                                                                                           --Psalm 28:7

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness.                                         --Colossians 2:6-7

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.                      --1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

May you have blessings too numerous to count this Thanksgiving and every day, my friends!

Lovingly,

Lenore

 

 

 

Are you bored? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise

Sometimes we all feel like a little kid who moans, "Nothing ever happens around here. I am sooo bored."                                                                                                                        
It took me a long time to learn to be thankful for boring days. 

Lately I've been reminded why I should.

Too many people I know suddenly found themselves wishing they could go back a day or a week or a year to before.

Before those medical tests.

Before that pink slip.

Before that stroke.

As if often does, life smacked them up the side of their heads and proved it can turn upside-down in an instant. 

I don't know whether these friends yearned for some kind of change, but that's what they got, big time. In a finger-snap they looked at their lives through different eyes.

Who wouldn't? Who doesn't? 

Webster's defines "boring" as "dull, tiresome, etc." The same old, same old.

But what's so bad about that? There's comfort in the same old, same old.

Too often I forget.

That's a good time to jot down what I value most and what/who I count on.  Then I notice I've just listed my blessings. They were there all the time, but I was blind.

With new clarity I understand again that life is fragile and I catch my breath. Do I pray? You betcha, with all my heart. Lord, please let me have more of the same old, same old. Help me stay fresh in the midst of the familiar.

I need reminding, which is why I love a quote from Mary Jean Iron. I found it years ago and tacked these words to my bulletin board. Maybe they will speak to your heart as they do to mine.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are . . . Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

Sounds like a restating of what the psalmist said in Psalm 118:24:

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Many people repeat these words every morning after they wake up. Sounds like a useful habit, doesn't it?

Peace and JOY,

Lenore