A Woman's View

What do we do with those old messages from childhood?

Not long ago a group of us were talking what makes us who we are.

One man said, "I'm an adult, I make my own decisions."

A woman said, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I I hated it, but once I had children, I found myself doing the same thing. I had to fight against going all cold and silent. Getting past those old patterns from childhood took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then another gal said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of can turn off work and relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

From the beginning we want to be good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "memorable messages" we think we're imparting? Here's what family counselors say. What influences our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those "ordinary" times when we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God made each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. What we learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B. .

It helps to remember that God gave us each child, whether they came by birth, adoption or through marriage. Even if  we can't quite figure out one of them and another "drives us crazy."

What's more, He equips us to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

At the same time God stretches and shapes you and me, too, through them.

Viewing our parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

So we walk on in faith

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are--and who you are: 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. --Psalm 139:13-14

For we are God's workmanship, created in "Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. --Ephesians 2:10

Silence harmful old messages by calling verses like these to mind. Store them in your memory or write them down, so you're ready whenever old thinking creeps in. Whenever I feel shaky or uncertain I find it helpful to read or say Bible verses aloud.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive and move on.

How would you complete this sentence, "I would be happy IF . . . "?

Have you ever said anything like this?                     

    If only I meet the right man and fall in love, then all my dreams will come true. 

    If only we had better communication then our marriage would be perfect.

    If only we had a baby I know it would draw us closer. 

    If only I were a better mother . . .

    If only he were a better father . . .

    If only our kids went to better schools . . .

    If only my husband earned more money . . .

    If only we had a bigger/newer/nicer house in a better neighborhood, then life would be perfect.

    If only our children finish school and get good jobs and marry the right people then I can stop worrying about them.

    If only I knew all our family had salvation in Jesus Christ I could be at peace.

    If only I had the body I used to have . . .  

    If only growing older weren't so scary . . .

    If only . . . then . . .

    If only . . .

    If.

Each of us has a list of if onlys and they vary over a lifetime. I know from experience how easily they drag us down and make us discontented.

What about the here-and-now?

Mythical thinking keeps us dreaming of a place where everyone and everything is--or could be--perfect, as if we were princesses in a fairy tale.

Um, there ain't no such place.

And if we spend too much time in Make Believe Land we miss out on the sweet reality of our lives, like watching our children grow into themselves. (That doesn't end with their teenage years, by the way. It's a lifetime process.)

It's as if we put on blinders and don't see change and growth in our family members. When we don't even notice how they stretch and gain understanding, why should they keep trying?

Worst of all we overlook God's daily blessings to us, large and small, so we miss out on the joy and neglect to say, "Thank you, Lord."

Energy we invest into wishing goes missing from our family relationships and friendships.

If we want to change, we're on our own

Except we're not, of course. First comes our willingness, our choice to live in the now and to love in the now. What God said to the Israelites applies to us, too. From Deuteronomy 30:19:

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

Then we ask for help from the One who never takes His eyes off us.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.   --Psalm 46:1

When we feel overwhelmed by past failings, we turn to the One who makes all things new.

If anyone is in Christ he (or she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.   --2 Corinthians 5:17

If we wonder how to be "in Christ," we can find the answer in John 3:16 and 17. That's the starting place and the ending place.

Hope you don't mind, but I think of you readers as friends, even though we probably haven't met. Thanks for stopping by! I'd love to hear from you, so your comments, please.

Warmly,

Lenore

 

 

Ready to step out into the unknown?

The beginning of a new year--any new beginning, really--feels a bit like stepping off a cliff.

Who knows what awaits us "out there?"

Every new situation brings a touch of uneasiness. Even if we think we've prepared for it, one question looms.

Will I be able to handle this?

All we can know for sure is that we haven't lived this year or this day before. Like explorers scouting new continents, day after day we'll travel through unknown territory.

Sure, we may stay in the same place, with the same people around us. But no human being is fixed and unchanging, like, say, a cardboard box. As long as we live and breathe, we're subject to change. So if you've been saying, "I suppose the future will just be more of the same," remember what Grandma used to say.

As long as there's life, there's hope.

Take time for the pause that makes sense of yesterday

It's worth taking time to reflect on where we've been. Snatch a little while out of the day to look back, either on your own or with your family. Replay the happy days and savor what was good. Let your heart be glad.

Let your heart be glad.

Ah, there's the rub. Even as Christians, some of us are afraid to feel good about anything in our lives, as if it might break some sort of spell. Some firmly believe they were born under a curse and refuse to think otherwise. If either description sounds too personal, it's worth asking why and tracing back to the source(s) of that mindset.

Even when we're consumed by loneliness, we are loved.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.    --Psalm 30:7

Sometimes looking back hurts

For all of us, some times were not so good.Perhaps it's been a year of pain, either from circumstances or from what others inflicted on us. We just want to forget.

It's more useful to resolve to not waste the hard stuff of life. Scrape off the bandagesyou plastered over your wounds and examine them. Uncover what you learned about yourself. Often you'll realize you displayed more inner strength than you previously knew you had. For just awhile, bask in your new awareness of that hard-earned inner stamina and thank God for His transforming power within you.

You say you blew it sometimes? We all do, simply because we're imperfect human beings. Beating up on ourselves just beats us down.

What helps most is to pray for courage to humbly ask forgiveness. It's never too late, truly. Whether the other person hears us is beyond our control. Make amends if it's possible to do so. Then give the whole bundle to God, knowing He can restore, even when broken relationships seem irretrievable. Knowing for sure that Jesus died for all our sins enables us to forgive others in the same way.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.          ---Colossians 3:13

Through every day and every experience, as we grow, our faith grows. All it takes is a teachable heart. Then life deepens our understanding of God, as we look for--and see--His hand in everything.

What we know about the future is that it remains always unknown. Oh, we know two more things, the most important. We are loved and we  will not walk through it alone.  

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.                                                                                        --Zephaniah 3:17

So, my friends, let's step off into tomorrow with excitement and with joy!

Lovingly,

Lenore

 

It's Christmas time once more! (with apologies to all you poets)

 

If Messiah fills the air waves and our arms are getting sore

    From the Christmas cards we've written, but we've still a whole lot more,

    Yet we're feeling jolly, hanging lights and holly on the door,

    The secret's out, there is no doubt, it's Christmas time once more.

 

If the family's acting funny and we're fuming just a bit

    While we're hunting for the bunting that will surely be a hit,

    Christmas shopping has us hopping, we're about to lose our wits,

    And the object that's a project has turned out to be the pits.

 

If we have no whammy bunting, only clammy hands and sighs

    'Cause we're sick of spending money. Isn't funny, isn't wise.

    So we go into a huddle, still we muddle, agonize,

    While our dreams of finding "perfect" self-destruct before our eyes.

 

If we'll pitch the lists and flowcharts, let our hearts start thinking small,

    No more reading. What we're needing won't be found within a Mall.

    All the best stuff is the real stuff. Nothing changes, after all,

    It's still love that makes gifts matter, 'spite of chattter in the hall. 

 

So at Christmas time and all the time, this wish comes from my heart,

    May great joy reign. May all your pain and all your stress depart,

    And may every day be one you say, "I cannot wait to start!"

   Then at day's end, let Christ, our friend, speak peace deep in your heart. 

 

For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders, and he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  --Isaiah 9:6)  (Jesus said) Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  --ohn 14:17 

 

So . . . Merry Christ-mas!

Lovingly,

Lenore

    

Put the life back in your life

Thank you, one and all who read this blog! I am humbled and I never take you for granted. My apologies for the big gap in posting. I've been fighting a virus that morphed into a nasty case of bronchitis.

Sometimes life feels as flat as a soda that's lost its fizz.

That mood can strike any of us, any time of the year, even though what's in our "glass" remains the same. Yet we see emptiness, not fullness.

We call it as we see it, not as it is.

We do that with family members and friends, too, and see only their faults. We say, "Well, nobody's perfect and nobody's life is perfect, but . . ."

That little voice asks, Couldn't my life be a bit, um, more? Couldn't that other person change just a little bit? If only . . .

I've learned it's risky to hang around too long in the land of "If only."

My friend, Ginny, never goes there. She has a basketful of problems, but you'd never guess. Ask her how she's doing and she usually replies, "Great! If my life got any better, I couldn't stand it!"

Ask her to elaborate and she'll say, "Well, I'm still breathing in and out. I can get around on my own steam and my mind still works. I can see, even if I do need Coke-bottle eyeglasses to do it. I have a roof over my head and I eat pretty regularly. I'm part of a church family, where we love the Lord and we love each other. Best of all, I know Jesus loves me and watches over me, so I am rich." 

Every time Ginny repeats all the reasons she has to be thankful it reinforces in her mind that she's blessed and shifts her thinking to what's good and right and true.

Sounds too simple? Most great truths are.

What if you and I counted our blessings not just on Thanksgiving, but every day of the year? Suppose we gave up harping on what's wrong and bemoaning what's missing and deliberately focused on what's good. Picture starting each day with, "Thank you, Lord, for this day and for for every blessing. Thank you for promising to be with me every minute. Guide me and use me, I pray."

Think how it could affect our marriages, our family relationships and friendships.

Researchers say don't stop there

Don't take my word for it. A Texas Tech University study proved the value of counting our blessings and then counting them again. They divided study participants into two groups with similar life situations. Those who frequently and deliberately took time to re-appreciate the good in their lives scored themselves as happier than those who didn't.

Researchers concluded that counting our blessings--over and over--reminds us of their value and helps us stay contented.

Our perception of life depends on where we look.

Most of all it helps if we take our eyes off the gifts and focus on the Giver. He's the real source of life in our life. Here are some verses to get us started.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.                                                                                                           --Psalm 28:7

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness.                                         --Colossians 2:6-7

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.                      --1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

May you have blessings too numerous to count this Thanksgiving and every day, my friends!

Lovingly,

Lenore

 

 

 

Finding Real Freedom in the Land of the Free

Fourth of July fireworks and patriotic songs reminded us we live in the land of the free. Are we living free?

And what does it mean to "live free," anyhow?                                   
Each of us will answer that differently. It took me years to understand that freedom comes from within, not from without. 

You may have been a fan of Nick Charles, the popular and much-acclaimed CNN sports announcer who recently died of cancer. He dearly loved his wife and doted on their five-year old daughter. Listen to what he told CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta not long before he died.

"I'm a forward looking person but also a living-in-the-moment person So I wake up every day expecting to have a good day. It may sound trite, Sanjay, but life as you get older is about 20 percent of what happens to you and about 80 percent how you react to it."

You've probably heard that said before. I have, too, but never with more power. 

If Nick Charles was a Christian, his words are understandable. Christians believe that faith in Jesus the Savior ensures us eternal life, so he would know will see his wife and child again.

Whatever his faith (or lack of it) Nick Charles spoke truth. How we react to what happens to us determines our lives. How we react depends on what's inside us, in the core of our being. That's what drives us. 

It took me a long time to grasp that. Then I read an old book, "Man's Search for Meaning,"  by the late Viktor Frankl, M.D., Ph.D.

Before World War II, Frankl, his wife and his parents lived the good life in Vienna. Then the Nazis invaded Austria. Like almost six million other Jews, they were sent to a Nazi concentration camp, separated, of course, and never saw each other again. Even Frankl's wedding ring was taken from him.

During those anguishing days in the Camp he realized a great truth. Here's how he summed it up.

"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."                                                

Viktor Frankl in a death camp. Nick Charles close to death from cancer. Both of them in crisis mode and both said the same thing: We can't control everything in our lives, but we do control what we think about it.That dictates how we respond.

The Bible said ir first, in Proverbs 23:7:

            As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he . . .

We hang the labels on what happens to us.

We choose to park our minds in a lousy place or in a good place.

Young or old, rich or poor, in or out of crisis, to know this can change your life.

Take it from one who knows.

Lovingly,

Lenore

 

Are you bored? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise

Sometimes we all feel like a little kid who moans, "Nothing ever happens around here. I am sooo bored."                                                                                                                        
It took me a long time to learn to be thankful for boring days. 

Lately I've been reminded why I should.

Too many people I know suddenly found themselves wishing they could go back a day or a week or a year to before.

Before those medical tests.

Before that pink slip.

Before that stroke.

As if often does, life smacked them up the side of their heads and proved it can turn upside-down in an instant. 

I don't know whether these friends yearned for some kind of change, but that's what they got, big time. In a finger-snap they looked at their lives through different eyes.

Who wouldn't? Who doesn't? 

Webster's defines "boring" as "dull, tiresome, etc." The same old, same old.

But what's so bad about that? There's comfort in the same old, same old.

Too often I forget.

That's a good time to jot down what I value most and what/who I count on.  Then I notice I've just listed my blessings. They were there all the time, but I was blind.

With new clarity I understand again that life is fragile and I catch my breath. Do I pray? You betcha, with all my heart. Lord, please let me have more of the same old, same old. Help me stay fresh in the midst of the familiar.

I need reminding, which is why I love a quote from Mary Jean Iron. I found it years ago and tacked these words to my bulletin board. Maybe they will speak to your heart as they do to mine.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are . . . Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

Sounds like a restating of what the psalmist said in Psalm 118:24:

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Many people repeat these words every morning after they wake up. Sounds like a useful habit, doesn't it?

Peace and JOY,

Lenore

Knowing the power of the words we speak

Some of us got a bum start in life. How about you?

Perhaps we wore cast-offs and hand-me-downs kept clean and patched by loving hands, with shoes that never quite fit right. Maybe we ate frequent "mystery meals" made up of whatever was inside the bargain dented or unlabeled cans just opened. We may have grown up with two parents in the home or only one.

Yet if our childhood home rang with laughter and love, that's what we remember.

If our house echoed with silence and gloom, punctuated by dire predictions, we hear those words even now.

One thing is sure. Like all children, we believed what parents and other adults told us, true or not, because we had no long-range perspective.

Maybe when we were growing up someone who mattered said, "Don't expect too much out of life. People like us never get the breaks. We have three strikes against us from the start." 

The funny thing about childhood messages is that they never go away.

So the polished executive still hears his mother's voice. You don't try hard enough and you never finish what you start. You're going to be living on the streets, I just know it.

The slim, attractive woman cannot silence childhood taunts still playing in her mind. Fatty! Elephant hips! Here comes the blimp!

The other day I scribbled down a remark I overheard:

"Don't think you know who I am because of where I came from and don't think you know where I'm going because of where I am now."

None of us can rewrite the past, but we can decide not to live there anymore. We can decide we will make the present better for ourselves and our family. All it takes is to remember that our words matter, probably more than we know. As the writer of Proverbs said in 25:11:

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Here's the surprise. The words of love and strength we speak to others will come back to us as blessing. As we give out kindness and love to others it heals the empty places within us.

And isn't that more lasting, more valuable than even gold or silver?

Peace and joy,

Lenore

If you've ever felt like an "invisible mother," this one's for you

Most of us moms have had times when we've thought (or said,) "Nobody notices  
what I do around here unless I don't do it!"

Someone sent me a piece about being a mom and I love it. I think you will, too. Sorry, I could not find the name of the author of The Invisible Mother. She's a mom and tells of being with a group of friends, all chic career women, and feeling a bit dowdy.

As she looked around at her friends she wondered what she had to show for her life. One woman had just returned from a trip to London and presented this mom with a beautifully wrapped package. Let's pick up the story right after she unwraps her gift.

 . . . It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees." 

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it."

And the workman replied, "Because God sees it."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

"No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no hockey/soccer/piano/Scout/school meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My Mom gets up at four in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for three hours and presses all the linens for the table."

That would mean I'd build a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, "You're gonna love it here!"

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

So, here's to you, fellow cathedral builders. Remember, you're not in this alone.

When you feel invisible, remember He who promises to renew your strength sees everything you do. He can use it all and turn it all to good. Trust. Keep going in faith. Whether you know it or not, every day you are building people. (By the way, this doesn't stop once our children are grown and living their own lives.)

Peace and JOY,

Lenore



Encouragement for when we're scraping bottom

Have you ever said to yourself, "I've never done anything special and probably never will. The future looks like more of the same.  What's the point of going on?"

I haven't read The Noticer by Andy Andrews, but a quote I read makes me want to. According to a synopsis, the main character, Jones, tells a hopeless individual the reasons why he or she is still living: 

Hop1.  God has a purpose for every single person.

2.  You won't die until that purpose is fulfilled.

3.  If you are still alive, then you haven't completed what you were put on earth to do.

4.  If you haven't completed what you were put on earth to do, then your very purpose hasn't been fulfilled.

5.  If your purpose hasn't been fulfilled, then the most important part of your life is still ahead.

6.  You have yet to make your most important contribution.

(Chapter 6, pp. 83-85.)

I can't know what's going on in your life right now, nor you mine. But we're still walking around, so that means we haven't yet fulfilled our purpose.  That makes every day vitally important, doesn't it?

It doesn't matter if we look back on the past with yearning. It doesn't matter if we feel unsure about today or tomorrow. It doesn't even matter if at the moment we feel no hope.

Robert Browning put it this way:

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made. Our times are in his hand who saith, 'A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God:  See all, nor be afraid!'"

Psalm 139:16 tells us: 

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

What will tomorrow bring? None of us can say. But we know we will have the strength to meet the challenges. God says so, in Deuteronomy 33:25: "As thy days, so shall thy strength be."    

So if today is "one of those days" and we're at a low point, it's time to look up from the pits and look past our problems.

You are alive and so am I. We cannot know how God already is using us in someone's life. We cannot predict how He will use us tomorrow, but He will.

Let's take a deep gulp of fresh air and get on with living.

Lovingly,

Lenore