A Woman’s View ~ Lenore Buth

Why not communicate in real time with real people?

Have you noticed how many people seem to prefer talking or texting to someone invisible over talking to the real, live person next to them?

Apparently mealtimes at home are no exception. One mom reported in her family everyone brings along their electronic gadgets to the table.

She said, "I love it. Nobody argues or complains. Peace, it's wonderful!"

Do you think so?

1.    Last week I saw three cute kids trailing after their mom in a large store, all of them sporting designer duds. She pushed a loaded shopping cart from which a toddler clearly wanted to escape.

The three stragglers did what kids do. Poked. Hopped. Pestered. Twirled. Played hide-and-seek, dodging behind displays.

Mom talked on her cell phone all the way. Once in awhile she paused to tell her darlings, "Cut that out!" One boy kept saying, "But mom . . . "

After awhile she stopped her stroll long enough to say in one of those I-am-about-to-explode voices, "STOP. BOTHERING. ME!"

2.    Last time my husband and I went out to lunch an attractive young couple came in, the dad carrying his adorable toddler and both parents beaming.

They seated their boy in a high chair, then talked to him and each other for a couple minutes. Then as if on signal, Mom handed her switched-on Smart Phone to their charmer, Dad grabbed his cell phone and Mom got out her I-pad. All conversation ceased.

3.    Most times people in restaurants do something similar. Often couples and families eat their entire meal without exchanging a word, except with waiters.

If you were an alien observing our culture, what would you assume?

Likely conclusions might be:

• These people must be strangers
• These folks must not be on speaking terms
• The flesh-and-blood people they're with must be less important than whoever receives their calls or texts or e-mails

That's not so far off, is it? Don't you and I feel diminished when someone we love has no time for us?

Here's the thing. Life is lived in the everyday, ordinary moments.  

None of us know we'll be here tomorrow. People we care about need to hear us say so. That means talking. Writing. Being present when we're present. 

For years I've loved a poem by that famous author, "Unknown."

The Time is Now                  

If you're ever going to love me love me now, while I can know

All the sweet and tender feeling which from real affection flow.

Love me now, while I am living; do not wait till I am gone

And then chisel it in marble-- warm love words on ice-cold stone . . .

I won't need your kind caresses when the grass grows o'er my face; 

I won't crave your love or kisses in my last low resting place.

So, then, if you love me any, if it's but a little bit,

Let me know it now while living; I can own and treasure it.


Say it now, while you're here and they're here.

Think of it as another chance to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Then tomorrow we do it again, because nobody ever gets tired of hearing those precious words. 

Do we?

Love,

Lenore

 

 

 

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How to have a perfect husband

My sweetheart and I just marked another in a long string of wedding anniversaries. 

Is he really perfect? Well, probably not. Am I? Certainly not. Have we grown and changed? Absolutely.

I fell hard for this handsome young fella the first time he aimed a smile my way.

We married young and experts would have pronounced us doomed for divorce. They didn't know we meant it when we promised to be faithful and to stay married for life. Most of all, we knew God was on our side. As that favorite wedding text, Ecclesiastes 4:12 puts it: 

Though one may be overpowered,  two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

So when we hit those inevitable rough spots, we prayed and clung to each other and worked it through.

"Until death do us part" ensures time to grow--and see more clearly

• The darling I dreamed of would wow me with extravagant gestures of love. The darling I live with wows me with endless quiet deeds of love.
  
  
• I knew life with the boy I loved would be easy, just because we would be together. Life with the man I love at times grew tense and chill descended, but we kept talking and worked it through.
  
  
• The mate of my imagination would never be too busy to listen to my ramblings. The mate I live with always hears what's on my heart.
  
  
• The lover of my romantic dreams would say memorable things like the movie hero who makes his lady swoon. The lover in my life has seen me at my worst--and still thinks I'm memorable, which makes me swoon.
  
  
• The man I pictured making a life with would stand for truth and beauty and community-mindedness and of course, everyone would look up to him. The man I make a real life with quietly lives with faith in Jesus--and all the rest follows.
  
  
• The one I dreamed of making a life with would come home with  a happy heart and swing me off my feet. The one I make a life with comes home and stays home with a heart that's happy if I'm happy. He "swings me off my feet" with a smile.
  
  
• The guy I married never cooked and considered housekeeping my domain. The sweetheart I live with now taught himself to cook and does housework because, he says, after so many years it's turnabout fair play.
  
  
• The young man I fell for gave me butterflies with a smile or an arm around my waist. The always-young man I'm married to still gives me flutters with that certain smile or that certain hug.     

Does all this sound impossible? 

I promise you, it's not. 

Trust me, we're very human and we made mistakes. We absolutely know God watched over us and blessed us every step of the way. 

The point is, He will do the same for you. Just ask Him.

Then walk in faith. Pray. Love as wholeheartedly as you can. Watch your thoughts, because whatever you think about all the time can crowd out what's real. 

In marriage as in life, keep your attention on what is, not on what's missing.

Will it be worth all the prayers and tears and struggles? Yes!

Wishing you joy,

Lenore  

  

 

 

 

Researchers find happiness has a ripple effect. So does love ...

    News flash! Researchers at Harvard University have combed through data from a twenty-year study of more than 4,700 people. These medical sociologists recently issued their findings, and you will be stunned to learn them. Writer Rob Stein reported it in the December 5, 2008, edition of the Washington Post.

    Hold your breath ... Here's the central point of their conclusions: Happiness is contagious.

     Some of us figured that out on our own. Ask any husband or wife or child in any family, and we've all lived it out. When Mom or Dad gets up in a bad mood, the whole family soon catches it--and vice versa. As this study states, the ripples spread wider, too. When one parent has a bad day at work and comes home in a snappish mood, the other snaps back. Then we fuss at our kids ... who fuss at the dog. 

    So let's ignore what looks silly on the face of it and concentrate on what's true and right. In our marriages and with our children, we owe it to each other to "put on a happy face"--and follow it up by being pleasant. 

    People not only respond to happiness. They (we) also respond when love is shown.

    Years ago my husband and I spent a weekend at a Marriage Encounter, a gift we gave ourselves.  (In case you're unfamiliar, Marriage Encounter does not present itself as a means to "fix" troubled marriages. Rather, it's billed as a way for couples to strengthen good marriages.) It was a time of hearing excellent, down-to-earth presentations by couples who were in different stages of marriage. Each had faced challenges along the way--and grown together.

    Everything centered around building the marriage relationship and communication. One principle brought me up short ... and stuck with me:

Love is not just a feeling. Love is a daily decision.

    That sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? Yet it's true. Let's face it, there are times when even the strongest marriage relationships hit a dry spell. Especially during those times it helps when a wife and husband have resolved to live by this truth.

    Think about it. Action follows decision. Suppose we're in a dry spell. We can decide to give in to the mood and freeze out our marriage partner. Or we can decide to love, to act in loving ways, even though in the beginning it may feel a bit insincere. We persist. We speak love. Sooner or later we'll notice we actually feel more loving, as well. Inevitably, the mood around Ye Olde Homestead lightens ... and our children notice, too.

    Of course, you and I have heard this truth before. Jesus said it In Luke 6:31.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." 

    Whether we're on the giving end of showing love, or on the receiving end, it's a happy place to be! So don't bother keeping track. Just savor the joy!

    Here's to living in love, every day!

    Lenore

    Question: What do you think? Your comments welcomed!

 

How to be happier in your marriage

Here's a question to ponder: Are you "all in" in your marriage?

That is, where do you rank your marriage relationship in your value system?

Some wives and husbands not only hold down their job(s) out of necessity, but are consumed by them.

One or both may place their children's needs before everyone and everything else.

Still others concentrate on their personal growth and interests such as physical fitness and what fills them up as individuals.

Too many assume the relationship between wife and husband kind of takes care of itself. As one husband said, "Well, we're married for Pete's sake. Isn't that enough of a statement?"

A wife said, "We don't have much one-on-one time anymore, but someday we will. He loves me and I love him and well, it's restful to just relax and not try so hard."

Always, the danger is that one or both spouses may feel a nagging sense something is lacking in their marriage.

Can a marriage grow strong on leftovers of time and energy?

A green plant stuck in a dark corner and watered "whenever" may cling to life, but it will be a pitiful, spindly thing. Something like that happens to a marriage relationship left on its own to wait until everyone and everything else is taken care of.

Like any living thing, a marriage needs care and tending if it's to thrive instead of wither. 

Here's the good news. What nurtures the marriage also feeds and buoys up the marriage partners. 

If this sounds like a win-win situation, it is.

I need a turnaround. Where do I start?

Before you do anything else, pray for fresh eyes to see, a teachable spirit and courage to change. Trust me, you'll need all three.

It's tempting to first identify all the ways your spouse needs to change, but that's a waste of time. The only person you or I can change is the one that looks back at us from our mirror. 

Try making a list of what's right instead. Use your smart phone, your Blackberry, your computer, or plain old paper and ballpoint pen.

Whatever means you choose, hang onto this list.

Now start writing. Don't quit until you've written down ten or more qualities or habits you truly value in your wife or husband. Read it out loud to yourself.

Keep it handy

Reread your list every day. Add to it as you spot additional pluses--and you will, now that you're looking for what's good. One more thing, don't keep it to yourself. Frequently compliment your husband or wife and be specific, even if it feels unnatural at first.

Pay attention to how your mood changes over time and how your spouse reacts. Is there a new warmth between you? As this becomes your habitual way of relating to each other, you won't want to give it up.

Modeling for the next generation 

Today most kids interact with peers whose parents have split. Youngsters who know their parents love each other deeply and put each other first experience a deep-down sense of peace and stability. 

Every day such parents provide life lessons on how to live as Christian marriage partners. That's more powerful than any words.

Here's our checklist

If I  speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal . . . Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things . . . So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.                                              --1 Corinthians 13:1, 4-7, 13  (ESV)

I never read those words without remembering the speaker who told us, "When you read those words, substitute your own name for the word 'love.'"

Ouch!

Still growing, along with you,

Lenore

 

 

Home remedies for strengthening your marriage

One friend lamented, "Does anyone have a perfect marriage?"

Answer: "Nope." (We're imperfect, remember?) To expect it sets us up for disappointment.

What we have are marriages on the grow. Like every living thing, a marriage either grows or it withers.

Even the best marriages hit a rough patch now and then. Ours did, but we married for life, so we prayed and loved and worked it out.We grew. We learned what happens in our minds makes all the difference.

I'm no expert, but here's what I know now.

1.    Get real.

You hear it all the time, "I love my husband, but we don't communicate."

We gals connect and process and understand our lives by talking. Most guys use as many words as necessary.

Chalk it up to being wired differently. Little girls use two to three times as many words as same-age boys. No wonder we ask our husbands, "How was your day?" and they answer, "Okay."

Women's magazines and TV talk shows can lead us astray and we judge our husbands by their standards.

I found when I looked with fresh eyes at the man I married,I saw a quiet, thoughtful man of faith. He's more than fine as he is.

2.   Grow new stars in your eyes.

Remember wanting to be with him all the time and constantly telling him he was wonderful? 

Guys never "outgrow" liking that. (Neither do we.)

Once you hoped and prayed the man you married would keep loving you. Now he proves he does and comes home to you. Don't take that for granted. Most guys go off to work because they love their wives and families. That's their gift.

Where's the joy in giving a gift no one notices?

Tell him your husband often what he means to you. As you do, he'll begin appreciating you more, too.

3.     Know you don't look weak if you let him be strong.  

Some of us want to demonstrate our self-sufficiency, proving women are equal to men.

Sure, but don't forget guys like to be needed.  When they open doors or reach up to high cupboards or open stubborn pickle jars, they feel all manly and good.

Why rob them of that?

We wives lose nothing by asking for our husband's physical help and applauding him when he does. All we do is make them glad they married us. (How can that be bad?)

4.    Spend time together.

To wives that phrase translates into going somewhere. Husbands think "spending time together" means watching television together, or even just being in the same room.

Strive for somewhere in the middle.

Sharing housework and cooking together qualifies as time together. Just don't become over-zealous in showing how to "do it right."  Guys read this as criticism and soon disappear.

Unless you want to do everything yourself, be an encourager.

5.    Don't be so full of your needs you're blind to his.

The "everydayness" of marriage can settle us into a rut and we become consumed by our needs, our plans, our wants. We can forget the man we married has needs and wants, too.

That makes for lonely living for both husband and wife. Try tuning in to him and affirming him. After awhile he'll probably reciprocate.

6.    Learn contentment.

Easy to say, hard to do, even with the Lord's help.

The logical place to start is with our words. We switch from the negative to talking about what's right.

In today's economic situation most guys--and gals--work harder than ever, simply to hang onto their jobs.

First we deliberately rejoice in what is, rather than pine for what isn't. After awhile that becomes Ifsecond-nature.

7.    Give out what you want to get back.

Maybe you wish your husband were more affectionate, but there he sits, glued to the TV.

I hereby give you permission to make the first move. Grab him and kiss him like you did in the beginning and hold on tight. You might be surprised how he reciprocates.

If you're like me and putz around every evening while he watches television, take breaks. Concentrate on him. Sit on his lap and cuddle.

You get the picture.

Sometimes all it takes to revive passion is to be more affectionate, more often.

Make a U-turn

Long ago I underlined these Bible verses, because they opened my eyes to myself:

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.     --Proverbs 21:9  (NIV 1984)

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.    --Proverbs 12:18  (NIV 1984)

I hadn't considered myself ill-tempered, but I knew I sometimes was not much fun to live with. I resolved to change and asked God's help every day. Change didn't come overnight, but it came.

My friend, if anything I wrote speaks to you, be encouraged. Your marriage can grow stronger.

Start with what's key to everything else, which you alone control: your words. Pray for a "wise tongue."

The rest will follow.

Love,

Lenore

Question: Any marriage-builder tips to share?