A Woman's View

What do we do with those old messages from childhood?

Not long ago a group of us were talking what makes us who we are.

One man said, "I'm an adult, I make my own decisions."

A woman said, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I I hated it, but once I had children, I found myself doing the same thing. I had to fight against going all cold and silent. Getting past those old patterns from childhood took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then another gal said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of can turn off work and relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

From the beginning we want to be good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "memorable messages" we think we're imparting? Here's what family counselors say. What influences our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those "ordinary" times when we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God made each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. What we learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B. .

It helps to remember that God gave us each child, whether they came by birth, adoption or through marriage. Even if  we can't quite figure out one of them and another "drives us crazy."

What's more, He equips us to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

At the same time God stretches and shapes you and me, too, through them.

Viewing our parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

So we walk on in faith

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are--and who you are: 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. --Psalm 139:13-14

For we are God's workmanship, created in "Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. --Ephesians 2:10

Silence harmful old messages by calling verses like these to mind. Store them in your memory or write them down, so you're ready whenever old thinking creeps in. Whenever I feel shaky or uncertain I find it helpful to read or say Bible verses aloud.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive and move on.

What do you call yourself?

The words we choose to describe ourselves and our lives determine how we think of ourselves. Our view of ourselves dictates our view of life and
therefore, what's possible for our future.

I am not exaggerating.

While listening to a favorite radio show I heard a clear illustration of that. The host introduced his guest, a professional counselor, and spoke with her awhile. Then he opened the phone lines so people could question her. The topic of the day was, "Are you a victim?"

A couple of callers related tales of marital conflict, abuse, strained relations with parents and the like. Then came a woman who struggled to tell her story. "I am the victim of a rape and beating last year. That attacker ruined my life."

I could hear the pain in her voice and I couldn't tear myself away from listening.

After a few moments I took notes.

Asked whether she had family or friends, the caller said, yes, her family kept trying to reach out and her fiance still said he wanted to marry her.  "I don't want to see them--or anyone else," she said between sobs. "I know they simply pity me and I don't want their pity, so I don't go out.

"People tell me I'm depressed. I suppose it's true, but why wouldn't I be? My life was good and I had a good job. Now I can't work and I'll never be the same. Once you're a rape victim it changes everything."

Who could argue with that?

The next caller sounded strong and confident. She said, "I was raped, too. That followed years of being molested by my stepfather. Like your previous caller, I saw myself as a victim. I was so angry! I kept asking, why me? I hugged my pain around me like a warm blanket.

"Then one day I realized I had lost myself. So long as I considered myself 'the victim,' I locked out everything and everybody. I was tired of living that way. From that day on I built a new life. A better life.

"I want to say to the woman who just called, it's true you won't forget this. But you decide what you will do with this experience. You can rename it. Call it a bump in the road, which everyone has. If you stay in your present thinking you are letting this bump in the road become a fork in the road.

"Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt, but it doesn't have to stop you from your journey.

"See that one event as a fork in the road, however, and it changes the direction of your life. It means you turn away from who you were. Instead you choose to see yourself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

"I know your pain, I really do. I hope you can hear me. Forgive me, I know it sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You're doing that all by yourself."

When she hung up, the radio host and the counselor said nothing for what seemed a long time.

I understood why.

Perhaps these two women sound like extreme examples and they are. I think their story clearly illustrates how what we think determines our lives.

Maybe some of us feel unworthy and unlovable today, for whatever reason. Then it's a good time to think on this Bible verse, which provides the remedy fo leaving the past in the past.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he (she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!                                          --2 Corinthians 5:17

'Nuff said.

Lovingly,

Lenore

Take another look at what you see

You've probably heard more than one variation on this story.

A teacher comes into a new classroom. For whatever reason, the teacher believes  certain students are super-bright, then treats them that way. The kids respond and turn in exceptionally good work.

Much later the teacher discovers that early assumption was wrong. These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down had considered them to be chronic behavior problems.

These slow learners struggled in every class and were always in trouble. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help them ended up frustrated. None of them liked to admit it, but the truth was these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

Yet when the new teacher treated these same youngsters as if they were achievers, they responded in kind. They lived up to the teacher's expectations and then some.

In real life it doesn't work out this neatly, of course. But the basic principle still holds true.

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our husbands. Our children. Our friends and extended families. Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

Pretend you've just met and ask, "Who is this person ?" You may be surprised with what you find.

Sometimes we do the same with ourselves. Think how often we say, "I never," or, "I always."

That was true yesterday. Is it still true today?

More than we know, what we see is what we'll get.

The Apostle Paul told us how to get a new outlook on people--and ourselves in 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our heart. So here's to seeing with new eyes.

Blessings,

Lenore

"God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!"

The speaker whispered, spoke and shouted these five words at his audience as he hammered home his point. By the time he finished the hundred or so of us in that auditorium were yelling it back at him. 

"God don't make no junk! Say it with me now:  'God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!'"

I long ago forgot his name, but I never forgot his four-word slogan.

No matter our mood when we walked into the place, when we walked out, we were floating. I remember repeating it over and over to myself on the way home. God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Sure, it was the mood of the moment. But it was also an important truth, one we all knew before we walked into the place. But we forgot.

Sometimes we all feel like "junk," don't we?  Unworthy.  Unlovable.  Lonely.

That's true for a lot of teenagers and kids, too. They feel like junk when they struggle in school. Sometimes we adults don't help much. We're inclined to nag about grades and homework and not making it into college.

We fall into the same trap with other people we care about. We zero in on every little thing that isn't quite right--and then we remind them, every chance we get. We remind them of every mistake they ever made, no matter how long ago. We're like those radar-guided missiles that never deviate from our target. 

Once we start playing those old messages we quickly carve deep grooves in a person's self-esteem.

It's way too easy to sink into that swamp, isn't it? Once again we get to choose. Do we really want a better world? Then let's fasten on what's right in the people around us and tell them what we like about them. Let's keep our eyes open and when they do something right, let's say so.

At first this may feel phony. But when we see their faces glow we'll know that speaking honest words of love and appreciation is what everyone yearns for. If we think there's nothing to praise, we need to look harder. If we can't find anything big, then we start small, even tiny. After all, you and I respond and want to do better when someone important to us gives us a pat on the back, don't we? Let's make this our slogan, for others and for ourselves: God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

And anytime we're feeling "junky," let's go back and read these glorious words:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made . . .                         Psalm 139:14

Here's to remembering who we are,

Lenore

Your thoughts and comments, please.

 

Ever feel lost in the crowd?

Most of us do, at least now and then.

We feel no more distinctive than one tree in a thick forest. (Bob and I saw lots of that last week as we drove through the beautiful, green Pacific Northwest.)

Yet if we take time and look more closely we'll discover that each tree is unique in some way.

So are we.

Why do we so easily forget that?

Truth is, God made us one-of-a-kind for a reason. Our individual temperaments and personalities, our natural talents and abilities distinctively flavor our family, our church, our school, our community.

Perhaps we think what we add is insignificant. Then imagine trying to make a pumpkin pie without that "insignificant" quarter-teaspoon of cloves.

It's as if you are cloves, she is nutmeg and I am cinnamon. Leave out any one of those and your pumpkin pie will still be edible and probably even look the same. But it won't taste the same.

That's how it is in families, in a church, in any gathering of old friends. Something's missing when this one or that one isn't present.

You and I may never be able to identify which "spice" we sprinkle into the mix. But if we tell ourselves, "Well, I'm nothing special," we deny the obvious.

No one else can be us. No one else can replicate our presence or share the gift(s) within each one of us.

It helps to repeat that truth to ourselves however many times a day it takes until we believe it. And we need to plant that message deep within each child, whether our own or the one(s) we teach or care for.

Are we perfect? Of course not. We're only human, after all. A few of us may reach the heights, but most of us will go on day after day, simply being faithful.

(That's no small thing, in case you hadn't noticed. Ask anyone who longs for a friend or spouse they can count on, even when the going gets tough.)

As we recognize our strengths it's useful to jot them down and hang onto the list. Begin thanking God for them. Over time we'll begin to grasp the purpose for which they're given.

 Because there is a reason . . .

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,    which God prepared in advance for us to do.

                                                                                                     --Ephesians 2:10

If we can't identify our particular "good works," here's a surprise. They may be exactly what we're doing right this minute, simply the way we're living our lives. We can find clues if we think of those things we "feel like doing." Or we can examine the choices we make in what we do every day or what we volunteer for because "it sounds interesting." 

These will be as different as you and I are different. When we read that Ephesians verse we can feel comforted that we're right where we're supposed to be. At the same time we can be excited, because who knows what God has lined up for us next?

Therein lies the excitement of tomorrow.

Here's to living on tiptoe!

Lenore