A Woman's View

Let's throw off those tired old messages and forge our own way

Not long ago a group of us were discussing what drives us.

One man said, "I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, based on my own values."

The woman to his left said, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved and I hated it! But once I had children, I found myself doing the same thing and it was like I couldn't stop. I really had to fight myself not to go all cold and silent. Getting past that took me a long time and a lot of prayer."

Then another gal said, "I know now that my husband is just like his dad. Neither of them can turn off work at the end of the day."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about childhood messages that still influence our lives.

One friend lifted everyone's spirits when she said, "Well, there were good things to pick up, too. My parents made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other. My brother and I loved it that they laughed a lot. So did our friends. That's what sticks with me."

We leave imprints, too 

From the beginning we intend to bless our children's lives. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and nobody parents in a vacuum. 

Dealing with the non-parenting part of life often leaves us exhausted. We're too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

While we're beating ourselves up over our failures, life goes on.

And as we rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people, our children are growing up.

Here's what I know now--and wish I'd known all along. Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, experiences good times and not-so-good times during their childhood years.

What a son or daughter remembers depends on them perhaps as much as on us.

As the friend who recalled laughing parents said, "Maybe that's what I choose to carry with me."

The past only looks easier because we're not living in it

Raising children is hard, anywhere, anytime. It always was. You and I weren't aware of all the pressures and challenges our parents had to deal with.

From today we look back and count up the ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us and nurse our pain. We may have told ourselves that's all ancient history, but if it were, thinking and talking about old hurts wouldn't arouse such strong feelings.

That's a clue this is a burden that drags us down. If we're ready to be free of it, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos, this time in Colossians 3:12-15.

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

It's comforting to remind ourselves we survived our flawed parenting. In fact, we may be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

Then let's pray our children will do the same for us.

Your comments?

Blessings,

Lenore

 

 

Secrets of building a lifetime marriage

That sounds, well, a bit nervy, doesn't it?

Anniversaries do that to us, don't they? Make us look back and try to see deeper.

My husband has been my one-and-only love since he first smiled at me, way back when we both were young and stupid.

Back then we thought ourselves lucky--and blessed--to find each other. Now we realize how blessed we are to still have each other.

When we vowed to love each other for life we had no doubts. Sure, it helped that divorce was less common then, but it was more than that. We felt we had something special going between us. (Still do.) Later on we understood how that unquestioning mindset helped us through.

Inevitably, rough spots arise in every marriage. That's when our shared resolve that we both signed on for life served as a bridge to get us back to closeness.

Truths I've picked up over a lot of years

• It's not up to our husbands to make us happy.
  Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.
  
  
• We marry human beings, not fiction heroes.
  Their idea of "romance" and ours often (usually) are not the same. Chalk it up to differences in the way males and females think.
  
  
• Subtle hints almost never work. Guys don't do subtle.
  Being female we know how to sulk and do the silent treatment. This enables us to ruin any good day or great evening for both our partner and ourselves. I haven't found that much fun, have you?
  
  
• It's not fair to expect our husbands to make everything "right" in our lives.
  They are human beings, as limited in their capabilities as we are.
  
  
• Making our husbands feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness.
  Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the man we love? (Quite often he'll reciprocate.)
  
  
• When our husbands totally focus on a problem or a project, it's not because they're shutting us out.
  Most men naturally compartmentalize their thinking. Most women can keep several plates spinning all the time. We are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable qualities.
  
  
• Being opposites can be a good thing.
  Like most other couples, my husband and I sport individual strengths and weaknesses. I used to fret over that. Now I know we complete each other, so I actually appreciate those same traits.
  
  
• Mutual trust is like gold.
  Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in an instant, so it's worth guarding. Affirming our husband's faithfulness and integrity from time to time seems a small thing, but our words can mean more than we know.
  
  
• Respect nourishes love.
  That means we resist the temptation to put each other down in front of others, even with "humor." If we want our kids to respect their father, we need to watch how we speak of him--and to him. Save complaints for when we're alone.
  
  
• Simple kindness makes life better for both.
  We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. When we do the same for our husbands we bless their lives--and ours.
  
  
• It helps keep the spark alive between wife and husband when we make it "we" before "you" and "you before "me."
  Unless nurtured, marriage relationships can wither, even die. That means Mom and Dad's relationship comes before The Children, except during their infancy and/or emergencies.
  
  
• A life together built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms.
  That faith provides a "why" to hang on and keep loving through whatever comes. If we're spiritually single, faith provides strength and comfort.
  
  
• Most of the time we get back what we give out.

Consider what I've written as what it is: truths learned during many years of marriage. Maybe something will prove useful to you. Anything to add?

Now please excuse me, it's time to turn off the computer . . .

Lenore

Reasons to love family dinners

Sometimes we lose sight of the best things in life and don't even realize it.

Like eating dinner together as a family, for instance.

Many people consider that an outdated relic of a simplistic past. I think it's more than that. Sharing a family meal symbolizes what we long for, a deeper connection with those we love.

Sure, it's quicker to stop for fast food or hit the drive-through, maybe eat in our cars. Some of us eat takeout in front of our laptop or TV. In a multitasking life it seems, well, natural. Besides, at the end of a hectic day who wants to cook and clean up? After all, this is 2012.

We save time, yes, but we may lose what matters more.

For once, TV models the good stuff

Maybe you're you a fan of the hit TV show, "Blue Bloods," as I am.

Writer David Hitbrand looked into what attracts this show's consistently large audience and identified what's my favorite part. Here's a quote from his piece in The Philadelphia Enquirer, November 20, 2011:

The sentimental majority opinion holds that it's the show's weekly dinner scene, during which four generations of Reagans -- presided over by the patriarch (Len Cariou) -- bicker, spar and celebrate one another.

"That scene is the favorite of so many people," says "Blue Bloods" executive producer, Leonard Goldberg. "Italian people, Jewish people, Greek people -- they all say the same thing: 'That's my family.' "

The Reagans do more than eat together

As they prepare the meal and work together, then sit down at their huge dining table, they depict a healthy family in action.

• They do a lot of one-on-one sharing in the kitchen.
• They begin their meals with thanking God for their food and often, for each other.
• They do "celebrate" each other. For any child or adult, there's something really sweet about having another family member praise us in front of the rest.
• They talk and listen to each other with respect, even when they disagree. Younger family members participate, too. Sometimes an adult corrects a youngster or offers a principle to remember.
• They leave the table reminded they are family, they are one.

Building family bonds in our own homes

I know a couple that early on resolved to eat their evening meal together and worked around a crazy schedule. Then as parents they wanted to stay tuned-in to how their children viewed their world. They started sharing daily "highs" and "lows" over dinner. Each one named their best and worst points of the day, in as much detail as they liked. Mom and Dad spoke their joys and concerns, too--with discretion.

These normal children sometimes protested and could be moody or quiet. "Some nights they'd say, 'recess' for both their high and their low," the father says with a smile. "We never tried to talk them out of it because they lived their day at school, not us.

"We learned to listen with more sensitive ears. Often it seemed nothing happened, but over time highs and lows proved a wonderful tool. When our children grew into adolescence they took over reminding us anytime we forgot. By then they understood the value of these built-in openings to share hurts and feelings.

"Along the way my wife and I gained insights into our children. Conversations became more meaningful and so did our our prayers. Without question this daily sharing strengthened the love and closeness within our family."

No skills training required

Getting your family on this new track may feel bumpy and awkward at first, so be patient. After awhile you'll find what works. To begin just gather everyone around your dinner table. Keep it fancy or plain, serve sandwiches or steak, your choice.

It helps to remember the goal is simply to establish a routine that helps draw your family closer. The resulting sense of connectedness can melt away a lot of strain.

(By the way, it works well for wives and husbands, too.)

Lenore

 

Top tip for stronger relationships: Examine your feedback

Maybe that sounds too simple. Or maybe it's that obvious.

Call it one of those "light bulb moments," at least for me. Successful businesses covet our good will, so they make us feel valued.

Isn't that what you and I want to feel in our personal lives?

What got me thinking about this stems from my recent online order for a couple of "used" electronic items from a major seller. Originally I specified "used, in good condition," then later did a rethink. I decided to amend my order and substitute the same item in "used, like new" condition." I knew that often means "open box" rather than used and returned, so the extra $20 would be well spent.

I called the seller's customer service, expecting another long, frustrating experience with a person who wouldn't understand what I was saying the first time around. Here's what I got instead.

• This representative listened attentively, with respect and courtesy. Without argument, he tried to accommodate my request, but at that point in the shipping process, he couldn't. He expressed his regrets that my call came too late in the process to make the change.
• Then he volunteered to call me the day after I received my order and check whether the original order turned out to be satisfactory.

I did not wait by the phone.

Surprise! "Kev" called when he said he would. When I reported the device did not function correctly and I needed to return it, he took action without being asked.

• He immediately Emailed me a pre-addressed, prepaid return address label for the defective device.
• When I assured him I wanted the same "like new" item I had requested earlier, he set up the order blank. All I had to do was fill in my charge card info after we hung up. "Kev" would check later to make sure my order went through okay.
• He specified one-day shipping--for free.

I was speechless.

The replacement product arrived as specified, even before the seller had time to receive the defective product I shipped back.

Obviously, this business grasps the importance of customer satisfaction because after each call I got a request for feedback.

Companies work hard to build relationships and good will. How about us?

Since then I've been asking myself, Do I let the people in my life know I value them?

It's fair to say, I think, that most of us would say "thank you" to a restaurant employee who refills our water glass. How often do we say it within our own families? A neighbor does a kindness like bringing in our garbage can when we're out for the day, but we don't bother to call or say thanks. A lonely aunt writes us and we "forget" to answer or call.

We assume the people who love us will help us out and love us the same, even if we take them for granted. But who among us wants to be taken for granted? Not me!

Someone said we all wear an invisible sign that reads, "Please tell me I matter."

Still, old habits are hard to break. Where will we find our motivation? As usual, Jesus said it best, this time in Luke 6:31, in what we call the Golden Rule:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."

That's simple--and profound. To build a stronger marriage, a stronger family or a stronger friendship, we speak the love and show the love we want to receive.

Now there's a resolution that will challenge us, but the payoff is guaranteed.

I'd love to hear your stories!

Lenoere

On hanging in there as a married couple

Did you ever think you and your husband (or wife) might be poster children for marriage?

After all, you cared enough to commit--and you're still married. Every day you decide again to love each other.

One day at a time you keep on loving and keep on growing. If you doubt that, look back and you'll see how your marriage relationship has deepened and strengthened.

That screams against the plot of almost every TV show and movies, where if marriages are shown, they're mostly troubled. People sleep around.   Cynics and bitter divorcees figure into many plots. 

So where is a positive image of marriage to be found if not from people like you?

Notice, I did not say, "perfect marriage partners."

There's a great commercial running now calling for foster parents. It says something like, "You don't have to be perfect. You just need to care and be willing."

Marriage is like that, too. Marriages endure not because the husband and wife are perfect, but because they love and they are willing.

Willing to forgive.

Willing to work through the tough stuff of life together.

Willing to keep at it and try again.

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.                                                  --Ephesians 4:32

Everybody has "issues." Get over it

That's a lesson many of us have to learn along the way. Children and singles think in terms of, "I, me and mine." As a married couple, life gets happier when each one frames life in terms of, "you, us and ours."

In day-to-day life, one day it's this person whose needs take first priority, the next it's the other. In a marriage, in a family, it's give-and-take. Without keeping score.

In a marriage, if one person always "wins," both lose.

That means instead of harping on faults, real or imagined, we strive to commend strengths and affirm what's good.

Do we all fail? Sure, but as Christians we know what love means. 

 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                                                                  --1 Peter 4:8 

Just "being there" counts

So you're not perfect. None of us are. But you are there.

When you stay, you give your kids a gift beyond price. Your children will know the balance of having a mom and a dad. Moms provide the, "Oh, be careful! You could get hurt!"

Dads say, "Aw, you'll be fine. Go for it!" 

Children do best when they grow up with that mix of caution and daring.

As you stay, you model for your children that you believe in marriage and consider your life as a family worth what it takes to keep it going. You give them an example that will strengthen them when they're adults.

You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers. Some may be disillusioned and uncertain about marriage. As you share how God strengthened you and supplied the love you needed to forgive and to keep on, your words carry weight. That can powerfully encourage other couples who've hit a rough spot.

No need to be an expert or play games. You point them to Help when you say, "My husband and I couldn't make it if we didn't know we can lean on the Lord."

As you do, you witness to the value of marriage, but also that you belong to Christ. 

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.                                                                 --Ephesians 4:1-2

Lovingly,

Lenore 

Comments?

For the days when you've had it with being a wife and mother

I don't know your name, but this one's for you.

You're feeling over-used and under-appreciated. Enough is enough.  

I remember days like that. Days when once again you gave your all and once again no one noticed.  

One I won't forget was an ordinary day

I sighed big sighs, but my husband, on his way out the door, didn't pick up on my cue. I stamped my foot and said, "That's it!"

He sat down again and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing pent-up complaints and frustrations.

My husband listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "I have to go. Let's talk about this tonight." Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat, he headed off to his day.

Shifting Gears

In the meantime I had to finish preparing to entrance an audience. I was to speak that afternoon on marriage.

I was not in the mood to entrance an audience.

I went over my notes again and read again the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. This time it hit me right in the pride.  

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning how wearily all the day

The words unkind would trouble my mind that I said when you went away,

I had been more careful, darling, nor given you needless pain;

But we vex our own with look and tone we may never take back again.

 

Yet though in the quiet evening you may give me the kiss of peace,

Yet it well might be that never for me the pain of the heart should cease!

How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!

And hearts have broken for harsh words spoken that sorrow can ne'er set right.

 

We have careful thought for the stranger, and smiles for the sometime guest;

But oft for "our own" the bitter tone, though we love our own the best.

Ah, lips with the curve impatient, Ah, brow with the shade of scorn,

 'Twere a cruel fate, were the night too late to undo the work of the morn!

                                                                                        --Margaret E. Sangster     

Tears dissolved my list of grievances. I couldn't escape the question, What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

I had no guarantees I would see him or my children again.

I promised myself I would never again say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you," every time.

Thank God my talk went well and my husband returned safely that night.

Before he could say a word I grabbed him and hugged him and asked his forgiveness. Then I told him how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. Clearly, he had not expected that response.

How could I have missed knowing that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as me, maybe more? 

A poem written more than one-hundred years ago began a change within me. Within both of us and the way we communicate. It bears fruit within our marriage to this day.

Fruit that is sweet.

Q: What do you think of the poem?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Defy the odds! Know what makes for a good marriage

Want your marriage to last a lifetime?

Then forget all the articles and TV programs about what a marriage should be. 

No two marriages are alike. How could they be, since no two humans are alike?

Besides, marriage relationships need time to grow, like plants and trees and every other living thing.

We don't start kindergarten and immediately know what we know by the time we've earned our Master's degree. We don't leave our wedding ceremony knowing our partner--or ourselves--as well as we will after years of marriage.

Concentrate on what matters most

As with building a house, it starts with laying the foundation. Builders plan and erect structures to withstand stresses of wind and weather. So they reinforce the foundation, the beams and the roof, all to ensure stability.

We need to do the same with our marriages.

Why not build your marriage on the Rock? My husband and I have been married for years. Each of us already was rooted in Christianity, so we just lived as a couple the same way we lived as singles.

We didn't know how blessed we were. Looking back, we see how our unity of faith strengthened our marriage bond. When we hit those inevitable rough spots we turned to the Lord, together or separately. 

Never once did He let us down.

Who can say if we had it in us to stay committed without His strength and our mutual trust in God?

Cut each other some slack

Every one of us knows what we want and what would make us happy. When our marriage partner fails to live up to our ideal picture, we feel cheated. We sigh. We complain. It seldom occurs to us that we're fixated on his faults and blind to our own. 

How much better for the marriage if we simply stick with the premise that each of us is doing the best we can.

For example, a frequent complaint of wives is, "We don't communicate!" or "I can't get him to talk to me!

You've done it. I've done it. Way too long into our marriage I understood it's wired into us females to be verbal. Talking makes us feel good. It's as if we don't know what we think until we talk it over with someone. It's as if we have to talk it over before we can make sense of our lives.

That's not how guys think.

There's a good book, fun to read, that lays this out clearly. It's entitled Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, by Bill & Pam Farrel. Their basic concept is that men are able to compartmentalize, to wall off one part of their lives from another and keep them separate. (Waffles.) For women, however, every part of their lives touches every other part. (Spaghetti.) 

That concept, as silly as it sounds, can help us understand problem areas in our marriages. (Pam and Bill have appeared on Focus on the Family and have a resource-packed website: http://love.wise.com/index.php)  

Wine that ages is more mellow and flavorful. Marriages, too.

Remember these beautiful lines from Robert Browning?

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made. Our times are in his hand who saith, 'A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!'"

By now my husband and I know the truth of Browning's words. The "best years" truly are worth hanging on for!

Believe it, my friend.

Lovingly,

Lenore

Take another look at the Real Dad(s) in your life

When you think of your father--or the father of your children--what pictures play in your mind?

Probably it's not the wise, kindly, perfect dad from TV reruns like, " Father Kno ws Best." There Jim Anderson always did the right thing and knew what to say. 

The trouble is real dads have to be a father without a script.

To keep wishing our fathers (or our husbands) would somehow morph into The Perfect Father is, well, a waste of time.

I fell into that trap, too. I spent a long time thinking, Why didn't he ... ? Why don't you ... ?

I didn't understand how my thoughts, spoken or unspoken, got in the way of my seeing what was right in front of me.

For example, my own imperfect father all his life loved my mother and his four living children. What's more, he faithfully loved and served the Lord all his life.

Why did I so long undervalue what was so familiar?

Becoming a father is the easy part.

It's being a dad, day after day and year after year, that stretches and grows a man. Love drives them to stay. Love that goes deeper than just-right words from a script. 

Which brings me to the good man I'm still crazy about. We met when we both were too young to have good sense, and we fell hard. I couldn't have known that quiet, good-looking fellow would turn out to be the gentle, strong, patient man he became, but God knew.

Is he perfect? No. (Am I? No!) Have I ever complained about him or to him? Yes. 

I think they call that marriage. A husband and wife growing together. Making allowances for each other's flaws. Riding out the storms ... together.

If I ever expected moonlight and rosebuds 24/7, I learned that's the stuff of Hollywood, not real life. Even for Christians in a good marriage, some days love brims over, other days it feels like a drought.

Commitment, marriage, carries us through as we love and grow together.

It turns out that makes regular deposits in an account, a marriage account. At this point in our lives we know it's true: The longer you invest, the richer the dividends. 

Our family now includes four sons-in-love, as well as eight grandchildren. That makes at eighteen, but another (full-grown) is on the way.

Now as always, we are imperfect, every one of us. Each of us disappoints one or more of the rest of us at times. Like most families, we have our moments and we don't all agree on everything. That's okay.

We've learned that building closeness within a marriage, a growing family or a grown family does not just happen. It takes speaking love and doing love, step by stumbling step. It takes putting our family-ness before our individual preferences, because we are family, we are one.

The formula rests on enduring Truth, as usual:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                                                               --1 Peter 4:8

Blessings and JOY,

Lenore

Take another look at what you see

You've probably heard more than one variation on this story.

A teacher comes into a new classroom. For whatever reason, the teacher believes  certain students are super-bright, then treats them that way. The kids respond and turn in exceptionally good work.

Much later the teacher discovers that early assumption was wrong. These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down had considered them to be chronic behavior problems.

These slow learners struggled in every class and were always in trouble. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help them ended up frustrated. None of them liked to admit it, but the truth was these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

Yet when the new teacher treated these same youngsters as if they were achievers, they responded in kind. They lived up to the teacher's expectations and then some.

In real life it doesn't work out this neatly, of course. But the basic principle still holds true.

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our husbands. Our children. Our friends and extended families. Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

Pretend you've just met and ask, "Who is this person ?" You may be surprised with what you find.

Sometimes we do the same with ourselves. Think how often we say, "I never," or, "I always."

That was true yesterday. Is it still true today?

More than we know, what we see is what we'll get.

The Apostle Paul told us how to get a new outlook on people--and ourselves in 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our heart. So here's to seeing with new eyes.

Blessings,

Lenore

What do diamonds and teddy bears and pajama-grams have to do with love?

'Tis the season when Valentine's Day ads yammer at us from all sides: "Buy our stuff and prove your love!"

We all clap for cards and gifts, but is that really how we spell l-o-v-e? I don't think so.

More importantly, how do we communicate love on the 364 "ordinary" days that follow?

Real life is, well, real. Sometimes we're on top of the world. Other times we scrape along the bottom and hang on by our fingernails. To get through that as a couple--or as good friends--requires love that's just as real.

Our years of marriage taught my husband and me an old truth. If we hang on to each other--and to our faith--during the low times we'll make it through and come out stronger. 

The late Sam Levenson put it this way: "Love is what you've been through with someone."

I'm guessing we all share the same weakness. We wear blinders when it comes to the kindness and love of people in our lives, but we easily pick up on ways they hurt us. We can spoil a lot of perfectly good days that way and cheat ourselves of joy.

There's a better way to live. In Philippians 4:8-9 the Apostle Paul lays out a checklist that goes deeper than surface-y cards and gestures: 

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things ... And the God of peace will be with you. 

Every time I read that list I squirm, especially when I get to the phrase, "if anything is excellent or worthy of praise." Anything? Really? Ohhh . . .

Excuses and self-justifications can't hold up next to that, can they?

When we hit a bad spell our blinders fall off. Then we notice small kindnesses and thank God for them. What if we kept our eyes open every day of the year?

The "little things," the everyday small carings and thoughtful deeds add up to be the big things of life. Anytime we notice them--and say so--we give a gift. We receive one, too, because we feel better about ourselves and our lives. (Please note I say this as one who too often misses doing this.)

All it takes is some thought and the willingness to say what's in our hearts. We'll light up someone's life--and our own, too, any day of the year. That will bring more lasting joy than the most expensive card or gift.

What do you think?

Lenore