A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Write a new script for your life and be free!

Do you drag around negative messages you can't get rid of?

Often they trace back to childhood, but they still impact our lives, even years later.

Since every parent comes equipped with human failings, no one ever will have a perfect childhood. Family flaws affect each individual child differently.

So what are we to do with those wrong impressions that weigh us down?

It starts with recognizing them for what they are. 

I know a man who grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Good grades? Winning awards? The father would laugh and ask, "Oh, getting the big head, are we?"

The boy became the teenager became the adult. On the outside he seemed to be a success. But every time things went his way, he heard his father's voice, taunting him with the same old question.

One day the man responded differently

He decided to evaluate his life from a different perspective:

So who am I now? Today?

He mentally ticked off how hard he worked and the ways he had grown. He looked at what was good in the life he was building: his strong marriage, his children and his career.

His next thought surprised him:

This is my life today, my present reality--and it is good! I have a lot to be thankful for!  

Always before those old messages pulled him down and he would rant at God over his unhappy childhood. Now as he thought about that sad little boy who never gave up, he saw something more.

This time he thanked God for giving him inner strength all along

"That day I learned an important lesson," he said. "For the first time I saw my father as the walking disaster he was back then. Putting me down made him feel better about his own messed-up life. Once I understood that, I could let it go.

"I still hear Dad's critical voice in my head now and then. When I do, I answer it with today's truth, which is that I like my life and what I've become. Once in awhile my answers remind me I'm getting off track and that's good, too.

"It may sound strange, but now that old question feels like a friend who asks hard questions and reminds me what I'm about." 

Old truths endure

Long ago I found a quote which at the time brought me up short because I needed to hear its truth. It comes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D. 

"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters."

That old wisdom may sound harsh at first reading, but take another look. Its truth can move us out from being stuck in false assumptions of the past.

Think of it as a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life.

The only thing we have within our power to control is how we think about what comes into our lives.

I don't know about you, I'm forever relearning that truth. By the way, the Greek philosopher did not originate this wisdom. Take a look at Proverbs 23:7 - NKJV:

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Timeless words, ours for the taking. Whether we're troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, this one-liner covers it. When we change our thinking, we change our lives.

Warmly,

Lenore                                   

Sometimes we need to clear the memory cache in our minds

Here's a handy acronym to remember: W.I.A.T.                

It stands for Wrong Ideas Appearing True.        

Every one of us carries around at least a few of them in our subconscious. They lodge down deep, below the level of our awareness. We may have acquired them long ago, which explains why we have a hard time recognizing mistaken thinking.

Yet these WIATs probably influence us more than we realize: 

• They color our thinking and our moods
• They influence our behavior
• They govern the way we look at events and individuals

Some WIATs are silly and we know it

Yet even rational, intelligent people still may accept them as truth. Most of us know at least one person who believes something like this:

• Always leave a building through the same door you entered or it will bring bad luck
• Never say something is going well or you'll jinx it
• If you say you're happy it guarantees you soon will be unhappy

WIATs can be contagious

We spread them to our family and friends as easily as the flu virus.

I think of the young woman friend who "had" to remove every Kleenex pack, umbrella, etc., from her car before she'd leave it for maintenance. When I asked why, she answered, "Well, you know how mechanics are. They'll steal you blind every time."

When did she get that idea? Here's her answer: "Oh, everybody knows it's true. It happens all the time."

"Not to me," I said. "I've never had a problem, neither has anyone in our family."

That stopped her for a moment and then she said, "Well, it happened to my dad. After that he never left his car or truck at a garage or loaned it out without first emptying it out. He warned me to be careful and so I am."

Most of us can't identify the origins of our WIATs so easily.

Be on the alert for notions that don't stand up to logic

We do it all the time. Haven't you ever said something and then asked yourself, Now where did that come from?

Think how often we say something like this:

• I can't wear that color.
• I could never do that. I don't have the brain/talent/strength for such things.
• She would never want to be friends with me. 
  

Sometimes we can trace our bogus thinking back to one of our parents and their thoughtless remarks.

That's not surprising, because children usually accept without question whatever our moms or dads say. Those words, true or false, can dog us for life.

Starting over

Now's the time to clear out old wrong messages and replace them with truth. After all, aren't we wiser now?

Here's a place to start:  

1. Next time you put yourself down, stop and say out loud--or think--"That's not true!"
2. Replace the faulty thinking. State what is true, based on what you know today and your own logic
3. Repeat as often as needed

Yes, I know it sounds too simple, but it works. Just stick with it until you've banished old thinking that's wrong.

(I know it works because I have these conversations with myself all the time.)

Revamping our wrong notions, once and for all

If we realize we're stuck in old thinking that hurts us more than helps us, it's time to leave it behind. 

Sometimes even Christians forget that whatever weighed us down in the past need burden us no more: 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. --Psalm 46:1 (ESV)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!                      --2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

In Christ, WIATs lose their power over us. (That doesn't mean we'll never have wrong thinking again.)

From now on let's hold all our ideas up to the light of faith and right thinking and what makes sense right now. Let's be free of old thinking!

Learning along with you,

Lenore

 

Albert Einstein teaches us about human relationships

Everyone credits Albert Einstein with the theory of relativity, but who knew he also offered insights about human relationships and rearing children? 

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but that's what I heard him say in this  quote:

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”   

The first time I read that I laughed, but then the logic of those words hit me. 

How often do we do that with people we love?

Some time ago I heard a radio profile celebrating the late composer and lyricist Frank Loesser. If you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, you've heard his music. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies.

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Frank was musically gifted, yet after one year he dropped out of New York's City College. After trying various jobs he ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

This did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, neither valid nor significant. Apparently he never wavered from that view.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

It's our choice. Always. We can look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents. Allow them to be who they are. 

(By the way, here's the reference point, whether for someone else or for ourselves:)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   --Psalm 139:14  NIV

We deny that when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our standards.

This quietly eats away at any relationship, be it marriage, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do it to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others.

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do--and I know that, deep down.

Like most people, that never prevents me from raking myself over those guilt coals for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb walls? Ever get caught in this net?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Blessings,

Lenore

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Stir up what you got--and this is not about cooking

The story goes like this. An old-timer slouched into the local coffee shop, settled himself into a stool at the counter and said, "Gimme a big mug of Joe, Dearie."

Daisy stood up tall and said, "I am not your Dearie! My name is Daisy."

"My mistake, Miss Daisy. My name's Hector. Pour me some good hot coffee, if you please."

When his steaming cup of Joe arrived, he inhaled deeply and asked, "Got any sugar cubes, Ma'am?

"Yes, sir."

She handed Hector the sugar bowl and he dropped in a cube of sugar.

Then another.

And another. 

When he got to six, Daisy pulled the sugar bowl away and said, "Listen, Mister, you don't need more sugar. Just stir up what you got!"

That's good advice for living, too

Self-help articles rain on us from all sides. First they convince us we need to be more, then lay out the latest theory on achieving more-ness.

If you're anything like me, the lasting impression is that I am not quite enough as I am.

I've read thousands of words and threw myself into it, but always, before I caught my breath some other expert had a new way I needed to grow. And stretch. And explore new horizons.

It's exhausting!

At last I realized the obvious. Learning and growing aren't bad. But if God creates us one-of-a-kind, then why keep trying to be someone else?

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.  --Ephesians 2:10  NLT

The better strategy is to keep our eyes open and pour ourselves into what's right before our eyes.

Stirring up what's within us

After years of living I've learned for sure that whatever God asks of us He already equipped us to do.

That last is worth reading again. He equips us to handle whatever He asks of us.

How do we know that? For starters, think of this verse:

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  --2 Timothy 1:6-7   NKJV

Stir up what's already present in your marriage--and your family

Life is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Being a mom--or dad--is hard.

Wherever you are in any of that, you have a lot invested. A lot that's worth thanking God for and worth fighting to hang onto.

We may say, "Absolutely! I agree!"

And yet . . . sometimes we start looking "over there" and savoring the taste of some other life.

Because looking "over there" is daydreaming--and it's easy. It's not the hard nitty-gritty of real life.

That's when we need to stir up what you've got

• Get a new haircut.
• Buy some sexy lingerie.
• Make time for each other.
• Farm out your kids for a night or a weekend and kidnap your husband, then head to a local hotel. Live on room service and each other's undivided attention.
• Fall in love all over again

Next, focus on your children and get to know them, really know them

• Take off your I-need-to-parent-you eyes and look at them with eyes of love that see how funny and unique each one is.
• Take each child out to eat at your child's favorite place.
• Plan some fun stuff with the whole family. 

The best thing is you can repeat this process as often as your budget allows.

"Stir up what you got!"

No recipes needed. Just open the eyes of your heart and thank God  for your blessings.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

 

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Let's throw off those tired old messages and forge our own way

Not long ago a group of us were discussing what drives us.

One man said, "I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, based on my own values."

The woman to his left said, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved and I hated it! But once I had children, I found myself doing the same thing and it was like I couldn't stop. I really had to fight myself not to go all cold and silent. Getting past that took me a long time and a lot of prayer."

Then another gal said, "I know now that my husband is just like his dad. Neither of them can turn off work at the end of the day."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about childhood messages that still influence our lives.

One friend lifted everyone's spirits when she said, "Well, there were good things to pick up, too. My parents made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other. My brother and I loved it that they laughed a lot. So did our friends. That's what sticks with me."

We leave imprints, too 

From the beginning we intend to bless our children's lives. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and nobody parents in a vacuum. 

Dealing with the non-parenting part of life often leaves us exhausted. We're too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

While we're beating ourselves up over our failures, life goes on.

And as we rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people, our children are growing up.

Here's what I know now--and wish I'd known all along. Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, experiences good times and not-so-good times during their childhood years.

What a son or daughter remembers depends on them perhaps as much as on us.

As the friend who recalled laughing parents said, "Maybe that's what I choose to carry with me."

The past only looks easier because we're not living in it

Raising children is hard, anywhere, anytime. It always was. You and I weren't aware of all the pressures and challenges our parents had to deal with.

From today we look back and count up the ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us and nurse our pain. We may have told ourselves that's all ancient history, but if it were, thinking and talking about old hurts wouldn't arouse such strong feelings.

That's a clue this is a burden that drags us down. If we're ready to be free of it, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos, this time in Colossians 3:12-15.

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

It's comforting to remind ourselves we survived our flawed parenting. In fact, we may be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

Then let's pray our children will do the same for us.

Your comments?

Blessings,

Lenore