A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Are you living by old messages?

Sometimes it can be a challenge to know what really drives us.

When good friends get together the conversation can wander into unexpected territory. Roadside bombs may litter the way.  

Like the time a group of us started talking about being parents
feeling frustrated and wondering why we do what we do. "Kim" said, "So often it's like my mother has taken over my thoughts--and my mouth. It's as if I don't know if it's me talking or if I'm just a replay of my mom."

"Angie" said, "What I hated most of all when I was a kid was how my mom went all cold and silent when we misbehaved or disappointed her.

"I vowed if I ever had children I would never do that. Still, when my two darlings act up I feel myself turn to ice and my throat close up. I'm making progress, but it's slow. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of prayer. Even so, I still have to watch myself."

Peeling back the layers

"JoJo" said, "I wish I had understood before we married how much my husband is like his workaholic father. At least then I would have been prepared, sort of."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about negative messages and patterns that still influenced their lives.

In no time gloom settled over us like a storm cloud.  

That's when "Annie" broke through with a bit of sunshine. "Okay, enough! Let's not get stuck on how our parents messed us up. I'll bet we all can remember good things, too.

"Take my parents, for instance. They made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other--and it showed. My brother and I loved it that they laughed a lot. So did our friends. Love and laughter, that's what sticks with me. Am I the only one who thinks her parents did a good job?"

That's all it took to turn the conversation around. Soon every one of us found several ways our parents blessed us--for life.

We leave imprints, too 

From the beginning we all intend to be a good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith in God that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and life is hard. 

For many of us the necessary, non-parenting part of life takes up a lot of our time. We end up too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

We rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people. Inevitably, we fail at that because it's an impossible standard.

All the while our children are growing up. And storing up memories.

What I know now--and wish I'd known in the beginning

The truth can be so obvious we could miss it altogether.

Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, will experience good times and not-so-good times during their childhood years.

That means what a son or daughter remembers depends on them and their personality perhaps as much as on their mother and father. By this logic, what you and I recall is as much about us as about our parents.

It's true for us--and for our children, too.

As the friend who recalled her laughing mother and father said, "Oh, they weren't perfect, but these are the memories I choose to carry with me."

Raising children is a challenge. It always was

Most kids grow up with little awareness of the pressures and challenges their parents had to deal with. So did we.

You and I look back from who we are and what we know today--and make judgments, fair or unfair.

Some of us keep digging to uncover ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us--and nurse our pain.

Why would we do that? Motivations vary, but for some, it provides a built-in excuse for . . . whatever.

When we can blame our parents then obviously, it's not our fault.

That may seem a convenient way out when we fail, but there's a downside: 

Any time I declare myself a victim I also declare I have no power, no control over my life and my circumstances.

Now, really, is that any cause for celebration?

What if? 

What if we laid down whatever burdens drag us down and live freely in this day? 

We can, you know.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

If we're ready to be free of it, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos:

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  --Colossians 3:12-13  NIV

We're human, we make mistakes. So did our parents.

You and I survived our parenting, however flawed it was. We may even be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down hurtful memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

(Then let's pray our children will do the same for us.)

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

 

 

What label(s) have you pinned on yourself?

What we think about ourselves and say about ourselves matters more than we know.

Our words can hem us in or set us free. 

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Judge for yourself.

Awhile back, the host of a popular radio talk show introduced his guest for the day, a professional counselor. That made it no surprise when they soon opened the phone lines to listeners.

The topic of the day was, "Are you a victim?"

Several callers related tales of marital conflict, strained relationships with parents and the like. Nothing one couldn't overhear while sitting around one's local Starbucks for awhile, so I half-listened while finishing up some chores.  

Then came "Rita," whose tears kept interrupting her story-telling

"I definitely am a victim. I was beaten and raped last year. That attacker ruined my life."

I didn't want to miss a word, so I grabbed my notebook and pulled up a chair.

Asked whether she had family or friends, Rita said, yes, her family kept trying to reach out and her fiance said he still wanted to marry her. 

"I don't want to see them--or anyone else," she said between sobs. "I know they simply pity me and I don't want their pity, so I don't go out.

"People tell me I'm depressed. I suppose it's true, but why wouldn't I be? My life was good and I had a good job. Now I can't work and I'll never be the same. Once you're a rape victim it changes everything."

The next caller, "Mindy," sounded strong and confident

She said, "I was raped, too. That followed years of being molested by my stepfather.

"Like your previous caller, I saw myself as a victim. I was so angry! I kept asking, why me? I hugged my pain around me like a warm blanket.

"Then one day I realized I had lost myself.

"So long as I considered myself 'the victim,' I locked out everything and everybody. I was tired of living that way. From that day on I built a new life. A better life.

"I want to say to the woman who just called, it's true you won't forget this.

"But you decide what you will do with this experience 

"You can rename it. Call it a bump in the road, which everyone has. 

"Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt, but it doesn't have to stop you from your journey. But if you stay in your present thinking you are letting this bump in the road become a fork in the road.

"If you see that one event as a fork in the road it can change the direction of your life.  

"You are choosing to see yourself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

"I know your pain, I really do. I hope you can hear me.

"Forgive me, I know it sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You're doing that all by yourself."

When Mindy hung up, the radio host and the counselor said nothing for what seemed a long time.

I understood why

These are extreme examples, but they both illustrate the same point:

How we think and speak of ourselves not only impacts our lives, but can determine our lives.

Whatever our situation, whatever the reason, we all have times we feel unworthy and unlovable. 

Some of us are dealing with regrets over past failures or current problems, the ordinary stuff of life.

The same truth applies, even if shattering memories hang around. Let's decide to make it no more than a bump in our road and resolutely turn toward the Light. 

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.    --Romans 8:1  NLT

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he (she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!               --2 Corinthians 5:17  NIV

It gets easier when we remember who we are and who He is. 

How about you, my friend? Anything to share or add?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Write a new script for your life and be free!

Do you drag around negative messages you can't get rid of?

Often they trace back to childhood, but they still impact our lives, even years later.

Since every parent comes equipped with human failings, no one ever will have a perfect childhood. Family flaws affect each individual child differently.

So what are we to do with those wrong impressions that weigh us down?

It starts with recognizing them for what they are. 

I know a man who grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Good grades? Winning awards? The father would laugh and ask, "Oh, getting the big head, are we?"

The boy became the teenager became the adult. On the outside he seemed to be a success. But every time things went his way, he heard his father's voice, taunting him with the same old question.

One day the man responded differently

He decided to evaluate his life from a different perspective:

So who am I now? Today?

He mentally ticked off how hard he worked and the ways he had grown. He looked at what was good in the life he was building: his strong marriage, his children and his career.

His next thought surprised him:

This is my life today, my present reality--and it is good! I have a lot to be thankful for!  

Always before those old messages pulled him down and he would rant at God over his unhappy childhood. Now as he thought about that sad little boy who never gave up, he saw something more.

This time he thanked God for giving him inner strength all along

"That day I learned an important lesson," he said. "For the first time I saw my father as the walking disaster he was back then. Putting me down made him feel better about his own messed-up life. Once I understood that, I could let it go.

"I still hear Dad's critical voice in my head now and then. When I do, I answer it with today's truth, which is that I like my life and what I've become. Once in awhile my answers remind me I'm getting off track and that's good, too.

"It may sound strange, but now that old question feels like a friend who asks hard questions and reminds me what I'm about." 

Old truths endure

Long ago I found a quote which at the time brought me up short because I needed to hear its truth. It comes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D. 

"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters."

That old wisdom may sound harsh at first reading, but take another look. Its truth can move us out from being stuck in false assumptions of the past.

Think of it as a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life.

The only thing we have within our power to control is how we think about what comes into our lives.

I don't know about you, I'm forever relearning that truth. By the way, the Greek philosopher did not originate this wisdom. Take a look at Proverbs 23:7 - NKJV:

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

Timeless words, ours for the taking. Whether we're troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, this one-liner covers it. When we change our thinking, we change our lives.

Warmly,

Lenore                                   

Sometimes we need to clear the memory cache in our minds

Here's a handy acronym to remember: W.I.A.T.                

It stands for Wrong Ideas Appearing True.        

Every one of us carries around at least a few of them in our subconscious. They lodge down deep, below the level of our awareness. We may have acquired them long ago, which explains why we have a hard time recognizing mistaken thinking.

Yet these WIATs probably influence us more than we realize: 

• They color our thinking and our moods
• They influence our behavior
• They govern the way we look at events and individuals

Some WIATs are silly and we know it

Yet even rational, intelligent people still may accept them as truth. Most of us know at least one person who believes something like this:

• Always leave a building through the same door you entered or it will bring bad luck
• Never say something is going well or you'll jinx it
• If you say you're happy it guarantees you soon will be unhappy

WIATs can be contagious

We spread them to our family and friends as easily as the flu virus.

I think of the young woman friend who "had" to remove every Kleenex pack, umbrella, etc., from her car before she'd leave it for maintenance. When I asked why, she answered, "Well, you know how mechanics are. They'll steal you blind every time."

When did she get that idea? Here's her answer: "Oh, everybody knows it's true. It happens all the time."

"Not to me," I said. "I've never had a problem, neither has anyone in our family."

That stopped her for a moment and then she said, "Well, it happened to my dad. After that he never left his car or truck at a garage or loaned it out without first emptying it out. He warned me to be careful and so I am."

Most of us can't identify the origins of our WIATs so easily.

Be on the alert for notions that don't stand up to logic

We do it all the time. Haven't you ever said something and then asked yourself, Now where did that come from?

Think how often we say something like this:

• I can't wear that color.
• I could never do that. I don't have the brain/talent/strength for such things.
• She would never want to be friends with me. 
  

Sometimes we can trace our bogus thinking back to one of our parents and their thoughtless remarks.

That's not surprising, because children usually accept without question whatever our moms or dads say. Those words, true or false, can dog us for life.

Starting over

Now's the time to clear out old wrong messages and replace them with truth. After all, aren't we wiser now?

Here's a place to start:  

1. Next time you put yourself down, stop and say out loud--or think--"That's not true!"
2. Replace the faulty thinking. State what is true, based on what you know today and your own logic
3. Repeat as often as needed

Yes, I know it sounds too simple, but it works. Just stick with it until you've banished old thinking that's wrong.

(I know it works because I have these conversations with myself all the time.)

Revamping our wrong notions, once and for all

If we realize we're stuck in old thinking that hurts us more than helps us, it's time to leave it behind. 

Sometimes even Christians forget that whatever weighed us down in the past need burden us no more: 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. --Psalm 46:1 (ESV)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!                      --2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

In Christ, WIATs lose their power over us. (That doesn't mean we'll never have wrong thinking again.)

From now on let's hold all our ideas up to the light of faith and right thinking and what makes sense right now. Let's be free of old thinking!

Learning along with you,

Lenore

 

Albert Einstein teaches us about human relationships

Everyone credits Albert Einstein with the theory of relativity, but who knew he also offered insights about human relationships and rearing children? 

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but that's what I heard him say in this  quote:

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”   

The first time I read that I laughed, but then the logic of those words hit me. 

How often do we do that with people we love?

Some time ago I heard a radio profile celebrating the late composer and lyricist Frank Loesser. If you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, you've heard his music. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies.

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Frank was musically gifted, yet after one year he dropped out of New York's City College. After trying various jobs he ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

This did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, neither valid nor significant. Apparently he never wavered from that view.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

It's our choice. Always. We can look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents. Allow them to be who they are. 

(By the way, here's the reference point, whether for someone else or for ourselves:)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   --Psalm 139:14  NIV

We deny that when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our standards.

This quietly eats away at any relationship, be it marriage, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do it to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others.

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do--and I know that, deep down.

Like most people, that never prevents me from raking myself over those guilt coals for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb walls? Ever get caught in this net?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Blessings,

Lenore

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