A Woman's View

Let's throw off those tired old messages and forge our own way

Not long ago a group of us were discussing what drives us.

One man said, "I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, based on my own values."

The woman to his left said, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved and I hated it! But once I had children, I found myself doing the same thing and it was like I couldn't stop. I really had to fight myself not to go all cold and silent. Getting past that took me a long time and a lot of prayer."

Then another gal said, "I know now that my husband is just like his dad. Neither of them can turn off work at the end of the day."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about childhood messages that still influence our lives.

One friend lifted everyone's spirits when she said, "Well, there were good things to pick up, too. My parents made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other. My brother and I loved it that they laughed a lot. So did our friends. That's what sticks with me."

We leave imprints, too 

From the beginning we intend to bless our children's lives. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and nobody parents in a vacuum. 

Dealing with the non-parenting part of life often leaves us exhausted. We're too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

While we're beating ourselves up over our failures, life goes on.

And as we rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people, our children are growing up.

Here's what I know now--and wish I'd known all along. Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, experiences good times and not-so-good times during their childhood years.

What a son or daughter remembers depends on them perhaps as much as on us.

As the friend who recalled laughing parents said, "Maybe that's what I choose to carry with me."

The past only looks easier because we're not living in it

Raising children is hard, anywhere, anytime. It always was. You and I weren't aware of all the pressures and challenges our parents had to deal with.

From today we look back and count up the ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us and nurse our pain. We may have told ourselves that's all ancient history, but if it were, thinking and talking about old hurts wouldn't arouse such strong feelings.

That's a clue this is a burden that drags us down. If we're ready to be free of it, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos, this time in Colossians 3:12-15.

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

It's comforting to remind ourselves we survived our flawed parenting. In fact, we may be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

Then let's pray our children will do the same for us.

Your comments?

Blessings,

Lenore

 

 

What do you call yourself?

The words we choose to describe ourselves and our lives determine how we think of ourselves. Our view of ourselves dictates our view of life and
therefore, what's possible for our future.

I am not exaggerating.

While listening to a favorite radio show I heard a clear illustration of that. The host introduced his guest, a professional counselor, and spoke with her awhile. Then he opened the phone lines so people could question her. The topic of the day was, "Are you a victim?"

A couple of callers related tales of marital conflict, abuse, strained relations with parents and the like. Then came a woman who struggled to tell her story. "I am the victim of a rape and beating last year. That attacker ruined my life."

I could hear the pain in her voice and I couldn't tear myself away from listening.

After a few moments I took notes.

Asked whether she had family or friends, the caller said, yes, her family kept trying to reach out and her fiance still said he wanted to marry her.  "I don't want to see them--or anyone else," she said between sobs. "I know they simply pity me and I don't want their pity, so I don't go out.

"People tell me I'm depressed. I suppose it's true, but why wouldn't I be? My life was good and I had a good job. Now I can't work and I'll never be the same. Once you're a rape victim it changes everything."

Who could argue with that?

The next caller sounded strong and confident. She said, "I was raped, too. That followed years of being molested by my stepfather. Like your previous caller, I saw myself as a victim. I was so angry! I kept asking, why me? I hugged my pain around me like a warm blanket.

"Then one day I realized I had lost myself. So long as I considered myself 'the victim,' I locked out everything and everybody. I was tired of living that way. From that day on I built a new life. A better life.

"I want to say to the woman who just called, it's true you won't forget this. But you decide what you will do with this experience. You can rename it. Call it a bump in the road, which everyone has. If you stay in your present thinking you are letting this bump in the road become a fork in the road.

"Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt, but it doesn't have to stop you from your journey.

"See that one event as a fork in the road, however, and it changes the direction of your life. It means you turn away from who you were. Instead you choose to see yourself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

"I know your pain, I really do. I hope you can hear me. Forgive me, I know it sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You're doing that all by yourself."

When she hung up, the radio host and the counselor said nothing for what seemed a long time.

I understood why.

Perhaps these two women sound like extreme examples and they are. I think their story clearly illustrates how what we think determines our lives.

Maybe some of us feel unworthy and unlovable today, for whatever reason. Then it's a good time to think on this Bible verse, which provides the remedy fo leaving the past in the past.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he (she) is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!                                          --2 Corinthians 5:17

'Nuff said.

Lovingly,

Lenore

Take another look at what you see

You've probably heard more than one variation on this story.

A teacher comes into a new classroom. For whatever reason, the teacher believes  certain students are super-bright, then treats them that way. The kids respond and turn in exceptionally good work.

Much later the teacher discovers that early assumption was wrong. These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down had considered them to be chronic behavior problems.

These slow learners struggled in every class and were always in trouble. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help them ended up frustrated. None of them liked to admit it, but the truth was these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

Yet when the new teacher treated these same youngsters as if they were achievers, they responded in kind. They lived up to the teacher's expectations and then some.

In real life it doesn't work out this neatly, of course. But the basic principle still holds true.

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our husbands. Our children. Our friends and extended families. Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

Pretend you've just met and ask, "Who is this person ?" You may be surprised with what you find.

Sometimes we do the same with ourselves. Think how often we say, "I never," or, "I always."

That was true yesterday. Is it still true today?

More than we know, what we see is what we'll get.

The Apostle Paul told us how to get a new outlook on people--and ourselves in 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our heart. So here's to seeing with new eyes.

Blessings,

Lenore

"God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!"

The speaker whispered, spoke and shouted these five words at his audience as he hammered home his point. By the time he finished the hundred or so of us in that auditorium were yelling it back at him. 

"God don't make no junk! Say it with me now:  'God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!'"

I long ago forgot his name, but I never forgot his four-word slogan.

No matter our mood when we walked into the place, when we walked out, we were floating. I remember repeating it over and over to myself on the way home. God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Sure, it was the mood of the moment. But it was also an important truth, one we all knew before we walked into the place. But we forgot.

Sometimes we all feel like "junk," don't we?  Unworthy.  Unlovable.  Lonely.

That's true for a lot of teenagers and kids, too. They feel like junk when they struggle in school. Sometimes we adults don't help much. We're inclined to nag about grades and homework and not making it into college.

We fall into the same trap with other people we care about. We zero in on every little thing that isn't quite right--and then we remind them, every chance we get. We remind them of every mistake they ever made, no matter how long ago. We're like those radar-guided missiles that never deviate from our target. 

Once we start playing those old messages we quickly carve deep grooves in a person's self-esteem.

It's way too easy to sink into that swamp, isn't it? Once again we get to choose. Do we really want a better world? Then let's fasten on what's right in the people around us and tell them what we like about them. Let's keep our eyes open and when they do something right, let's say so.

At first this may feel phony. But when we see their faces glow we'll know that speaking honest words of love and appreciation is what everyone yearns for. If we think there's nothing to praise, we need to look harder. If we can't find anything big, then we start small, even tiny. After all, you and I respond and want to do better when someone important to us gives us a pat on the back, don't we? Let's make this our slogan, for others and for ourselves: God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

And anytime we're feeling "junky," let's go back and read these glorious words:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made . . .                         Psalm 139:14

Here's to remembering who we are,

Lenore

Your thoughts and comments, please.

 

Albert Einstein talks about human relationships--and Frank Loesser's story proves it out.

 Who knew Albert Einstein had something to say about human relationships or rearing children? 

That's what came to my admittedly quirky mind when I heard a quote attributed to the man who came up with the theory of relativity. Here's what he said:

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”   

 

At first I laughed, but then the simple truth of those words hit me.  

I thought about what that principle means in human terms and how we relate to other people in our lives. We so casually expect spouses and family member to fit into the slot we design for them. Then we expect them to perform as we think they should.

 

I've done that. Maybe you have, too.

 

A couple of days later I heard a radio program celebrating the 100-year anniversary of composer Frank Loesser's birth. We've all tapped our toes to the music of this wildly successful composer and lyricist. He composed Guys and Dolls and How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, as well as composing over 700 tunes used in movies, on the Broadway stage and on radio. He wrote the scores for more than 60 films.

You would think his family would be bursting-their-buttons proud, wouldn't you?

Well, no. He grew up in a musical family, with a pianist father, where classical music     reigned. Frank dropped out of City College of New York after only one year and tried various jobs, then ended up performing in a night club with a singer. This did not fit parental  expectations for their musically gifted son. His older brother Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit into the family mold, giving numerous piano concerts and recitals. Later he served on the faculty of the Cleveland Institute of Music, becoming head of the piano department.

Big brother Arthur always looked upon his younger brother as the black sheep of the family. (Probably his parents did, too.) Arthur never considered Frank's remarkable achievements in the world of music to be valid or significant, because he labeled that music decidedly "lowbrow." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

Isn't that a shocker? Yet I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Even though most of us don't go to the extremes of Frank Loesser's family, we easily fall into the same trap. Whether it's our marriage partner, our child or anyone else with whom we interact, we conjure up a picture of what this person "should" be. 

When those individuals don't live up to our expectations, we feel disappointed and let down. We weigh them in our balance and find them wanting. 

I don't know about you, but I do it to myself, too. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Some of them have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. That never prevents me from raking myself over those guilt coals for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a question for you and for me. Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb walls? How's that working out? Ever get caught in this net?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Blessings,

Lenore