A Woman's View

Secrets of building a lifetime marriage

That sounds, well, a bit nervy, doesn't it?

Anniversaries do that to us, don't they? Make us look back and try to see deeper.

My husband has been my one-and-only love since he first smiled at me, way back when we both were young and stupid.

Back then we thought ourselves lucky--and blessed--to find each other. Now we realize how blessed we are to still have each other.

When we vowed to love each other for life we had no doubts. Sure, it helped that divorce was less common then, but it was more than that. We felt we had something special going between us. (Still do.) Later on we understood how that unquestioning mindset helped us through.

Inevitably, rough spots arise in every marriage. That's when our shared resolve that we both signed on for life served as a bridge to get us back to closeness.

Truths I've picked up over a lot of years

• It's not up to our husbands to make us happy.
  Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.
  
  
• We marry human beings, not fiction heroes.
  Their idea of "romance" and ours often (usually) are not the same. Chalk it up to differences in the way males and females think.
  
  
• Subtle hints almost never work. Guys don't do subtle.
  Being female we know how to sulk and do the silent treatment. This enables us to ruin any good day or great evening for both our partner and ourselves. I haven't found that much fun, have you?
  
  
• It's not fair to expect our husbands to make everything "right" in our lives.
  They are human beings, as limited in their capabilities as we are.
  
  
• Making our husbands feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness.
  Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the man we love? (Quite often he'll reciprocate.)
  
  
• When our husbands totally focus on a problem or a project, it's not because they're shutting us out.
  Most men naturally compartmentalize their thinking. Most women can keep several plates spinning all the time. We are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable qualities.
  
  
• Being opposites can be a good thing.
  Like most other couples, my husband and I sport individual strengths and weaknesses. I used to fret over that. Now I know we complete each other, so I actually appreciate those same traits.
  
  
• Mutual trust is like gold.
  Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in an instant, so it's worth guarding. Affirming our husband's faithfulness and integrity from time to time seems a small thing, but our words can mean more than we know.
  
  
• Respect nourishes love.
  That means we resist the temptation to put each other down in front of others, even with "humor." If we want our kids to respect their father, we need to watch how we speak of him--and to him. Save complaints for when we're alone.
  
  
• Simple kindness makes life better for both.
  We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. When we do the same for our husbands we bless their lives--and ours.
  
  
• It helps keep the spark alive between wife and husband when we make it "we" before "you" and "you before "me."
  Unless nurtured, marriage relationships can wither, even die. That means Mom and Dad's relationship comes before The Children, except during their infancy and/or emergencies.
  
  
• A life together built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms.
  That faith provides a "why" to hang on and keep loving through whatever comes. If we're spiritually single, faith provides strength and comfort.
  
  
• Most of the time we get back what we give out.

Consider what I've written as what it is: truths learned during many years of marriage. Maybe something will prove useful to you. Anything to add?

Now please excuse me, it's time to turn off the computer . . .

Lenore

One simple principle of parenting that simply works

In the beginning parenting seems so simple. Just feed 'em and change 'em and love 'em. Why can't it stay that way?

 I remember this fun stage and if you're a parent, you will, too. 

  

 Not long after this adorable stage we find out these adorable little beings have minds of their own. They turn into two-year olds. (Instead of the "terrible twos," think how it would change our attitudes if we labeled this stage the "terrific twos.")

Toddlers test us. They experiment and explore. They push us to the edge and keep us always learning and growing. It's not that children are more self-centered. It's that they're more open about it.

All along our kids are figuring out who they are apart from us. That's the mission of childhood and it's a good thing. They ramp it up during their "twos" and teen years, but it's all part of growing into themselves.

One basic principle we discovered when our four daughters were growing up transformed the way we reared our darlings and much improved my mood. It sounds too simple to matter much.

It does. A lot.

 Only reward behavior you want to see repeated.

First look through your child's point-of-view, where the question is What do I need to do to get what I want?

That's not always as obvious as it sounds. Take this common example. A child throws a tantrum in the store and won't stop. First Mommy tries reasoning with the screamer. That doesn't work. Then she tries a bribe. "If you stop crying, you can have a Tootsie Pop at the checkout stand."

All through their time in the store Mommy coaxes and pleads and threatens to leave. Her child keeps yelling. Mom keeps shopping.

Finally mother and child reach the checkout and the youngster whimpers, "I wanna Tootsie Pop." The frazzled mom says, "Oh, all right. But just this one time. Next time you will behave--or else. Do you understand me?"

The Little Yeller got Mom's attention and outlasted her, plus the Tootsie Pop. Mission accomplished.

How seriously do you think this child will take Mom's words next time?

As usual, there are choices. This mother could have given one warning, then silently grabbed her child and gone straight to the car. No treats. No response to begging. No other stops along the way. No need to say a word.

What do you think the yelling child would have learned then?

The problem is doing the wise thing often proves inconvenient for us adults. Therein lies the stickler. In the beginning this way of parenting is way more trouble for the grownups. After awhile the child gets the message that Mom and Dad mean what they say the first time.

You decide whether it's worth the hassle.

There's reinforcement from real Authority that goes back a couple of thousand years. Listen to Jesus, in Matthew 5:37:

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and  your 'No,' 'No' . . . " 

As for the reward/reinforce principle, it works that way in all our relationships. Doesn't it?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Sometimes kids push us to the edge because . . .

Have you ever noticed that some kids refuse to give in? Or give up?

A friend remarked, "My brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.
My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we heard those three little words we knew to stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the words," he said. "It was their don't-mess-with-me voice."

Here's the dilemma. Children push against the limits we set and strong-willed kids make it their personal crusade.  Yet all the while they secretly want their parents to, well, act like parents. 

We're meant to be in charge, because we're their security. We bless our children when we draw up boundaries. Boundaries, like fences, protect. They tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure. Within those limits our children can relax and run free. 

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell. It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority. 

And we do. As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we're to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job is to get them ready to move out into a life of their own one day. 

Most of us use way too many words. We try to reason with our toddler, or coax and cajole our preschooler, or threaten. All we do is confuse. They are not ready to be on their own yet. They know it, even though they'll argue the point over and over and over.

Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone. Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. 

--New Living Translation

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made us to be--and enjoying it, 

Lenore

Question for you: Agree or disagree? Just click on the word "Comments" in the small print at the bottom and tell us what you think.

You have a strong-willed child? Rejoice!

Strong-willed kids come into the world ready to spar, just for the fun of it. 

I haven't met any moms who find it amusing. Neither did I.

That's a mistake, one I made, too. 

I could have laughed more. Instead, I viewed our moment-by-moment contest of wills as a big deal.

After all, I was the grown-up. My job as the mom was to make it clear which one of us was in charge. Right?

Sounds easy enough. Except these small someones arrive convinced they're meant to rule the world, certain if they hang on long enough, if they absolutely, positively, indubitably never give in gracefully, sooner or later everyone else will understand that, too. 

It took me awhile to realize part of me admired the formidable strength within this pint-size individual.

Now I know that's the place to start, the place of appreciation. If you've been blessed (and yes, I use that word deliberately) with a child who possesses a will of iron, be glad for that inner steel.

Instead of seeking to stamp out that strong will, resolve to cooperate with these God-given traits.

Our task as moms is to help this child learn to handle the strength within and live in a world of authority figures. (Like parents and teachers and later, bosses.)  

It helps to understand that strong-willed kids view everything as a contest, one they intend to "win." To them, giving in, obeying, feels like losing. 

What's more, they think it's fun to push us to our limits, just to see if we still mean it.

And they never get tired of testing us.

Wish I could say I possessed great knowledge. That's not true. Through trial, desperation and lots of mistakes, I stumbled onto some better ways to cope. 

As a public service, I pass them on to you. 

*   Never say it unless you mean it, but if you say it, make it stick.

*   Be consistent. Don't say one thing one time, then another thing the next time. If you do, your child will test you every time. One lapse and you'll have to start all over again from square one.

*   Allow plenty of time and don't try to rush this youngster. Plan ahead and give fifteen-minute warnings. These kids need time to process. That allows them to "decide" to comply with what their parents want them to do. Since they "decide," they feel they're in control. 

*   Use a stove timer or carry one around with you. Let the timer "announce" bedtimes, moments left before leaving, etc. Somehow this electronic authority doesn't stoke up the child's arguing genes.

*   Allow choices. Forget telling this youngster tp wear read or wear blue. Rather, provide alternatives. That preserves (their) dignity and you'll keep the peace. 

*   Stand your ground. If today you're too tired or not in the mood to make it stick, tomorrow you start over. You get to choose which stresses you more, pulling yourself together or starting over next time.

*   Look for what's good. Every coin has two sides. So does every situation and every confrontation with this small, determined chunk of humanity.

As moms we're called to help each of our children grow strong and able to function without us. Strong-willed youngsters already know they're tough. They prove it by never taking "no" for an answer.

It's up to us moms to help them learn to use that innate strength wisely and function in the world.

Probably you'll hit a day now and then when you feel overwhelmed. Then turn to that reliable source of encouragement, the Bible. Here's one of my favorites, 1 Corinthians 10:13, this time from The Message.

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

On really bad days say it over and over ... and believe it.

Once we remember that both this challenging child and we ourselves are Designer Originals, we can relax. After all, He knows our stress limits. He knows what we can handle. He knows why we're suited to be the mother of each one of our children.

That means we do have the strength for what we're meant to do. Help is as near as our prayers. 

So here's to learning--and remembering--what we moms are meant to do. And here's to recognizing the strengths in each of our children. And here's to helping them develop into the individuals God designed them to be.

And us, too, since we not only raise our children. Our children raise us. They challenge us and stretch us and help us grow.

None of us emerges from rearing our children the same as we were.

So here's to appreciating the strengths--and weaknesses--within each one ... and to rejoicing in what we're given!

It will be the making of us.

Blessings and JOY,

Lenore

Question for you: What have you discovered in rearing your children? Click on "comments" below and share your findings.