A Woman's View

Sticks and stones may break some bones, but words CAN hurt

The other day a friend said, "I have such a problem with my tongue, especially around my husband. I don't know why, but I rag on that poor guy all the time--about nothing. He's so sweet he never gets angry, just waits for me to run out of steam and keeps on loving me anyhow."

Maybe you sometimes catch yourself falling into that trap once in awhile.

I do, too.

Especially with my darling husband, who unfortunately happens to be an imperfect human being.

(Like his wife.)

Home, our 24/7 proving ground

It's at home that we slip up most often, isn't it? Because our loved ones love us we feel free enough to blurt out whatever comes to mind.

Yet every mom tells her kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything."   

We say, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Sometimes we're not so good at living out those truths in our day-to-day conversations with the person(s) we say we love the most.

Here's the hard truth I didn't want to look at. Our thoughtless words at home speak louder than our words at church.

They reveal what's inside us.

Every time we open our mouths we bring chaos or comfort. As the writer of Proverbs 12:18 put it: 

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.                                                                   

Over the years I've grown somewhat wiser and more aware of myself. I've also learned to say from the heart, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

He always does. Unfortunately, those words can't blot out the memory of hurtful words.

Now, about those loose lips . . .

Some of us, um, forget when we're supposed to keep a secret. Or we carelessly share way more information than outsiders have a right to know.

Even without evil intent, we can do harm.

There's a remedy available, but not at the drugstore. I discovered it at a time when it was essential for me to, shall we say, keep my mouth shut about confidences that had been shared. I found this wonderful verse from Psalms and it became my frequent prayer.

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. --Psalm 141:3

Did somebody mention gossip?

I'm not a gossip.

You're not a gossip.

We do talk about others, however, often in loving concern. That doesn't feel like gossip, to us.

To the subject(s) of our conversation, however, it might, unless we have their permission to share information.

Recalculating our aim

When we don't follow the directions our GPS gives us, we hear the voice saying, "recalculating."

That's what the Psalm 141 verse does for me. It redirects me. Recalculates the direction I'm taking and sets me back on the right road.

I want to be thoughtful and sensitive and wise, speaking truth, but always in love. 

I can't do it on my own. Thanks be, I don't have to.

What's your opinion? 

Peace and joy,

Lenore

Looking at the power of our words and our moods

Years ago I saw a plaque in a gift shop that made me say a silent, "Ouch!"   

I didn't have to ask myself whether the saying was true. I knew it was. All I had to do was look at my own family.

When I got up in a bad mood and slung breakfast on the table with an "attitude," everyone else would catch it. Our laughing little girls would eat silently, then give me a half-hearted smile as they trudged off to school. My darling, calm husband would concentrate on his bacon and eggs and wave as he went out the door instead of kissing me.

Who could blame them? I wasn't particularly thrilled with myself, either. 

Of course, they affected me, too. Usually our daughters were a happy quartet, other days they couldn't stand each other. That's when I heard an endless refrain of, "Mommy, make her  leave me alone!" 

Sure, that's typical, but let's say four crabby kids did not enhance my mood.

Then there were the times my normally quiet but mellow husband seemed lost in his thoughts. His frowns signaled worry over something. In a heartbeat I "caught" his anxiety, even if he said, "It's nothing." Or I might recite the latest complaint or frustration over some small thing that wasn't right in him or in our life. By the time I finished the room would be very quiet and neither of us would be smiling.  

What happened within our happy home is a small slice of everyday life for you, me and everyone. It's the story of how we all interact with the people in our lives.  

Our moods and the words we say--or don't say--affect each other. Within our families we can lift each other up or tear each other down, simply with words. Kind words are a gift we give each other. Critical words or expressions of temper can take the luster off another person's day in seconds.

Think of the acquaintance you'd rather not spend much time with. You can't really explain why, but every time you're together you walk away feeling like a mylar balloon with a slow leak. Soon you look for ways to avoid contact. 

Every day, wherever we are, we either pierce or we pump each other up.

Perhaps one day your kids were acting up in the Food Court and you were too frazzled to care. Maybe some kind person said, "You have a beautiful family. I can see in your eyes how much you love your children."  

On words like that you could have flown to the moon without a spaceship!

Suppose you were chairing the food committee for a women's event at your church. You end up short of food, someone spills punch all over the serving table and the coffee pot quits. Through it all, you keep smiling while dying inside, certain that everyone is blaming you. Picture some sweet lady saying to you, "This was so nice! I watched you, my dear, and you really have a way with people."

Would you treasure her remark?

Words like that are a gift as sweet as cool water to parched lips--and they cost us nothing. If we put on eyes to see and mentally walk in someone else's shoes we'll know what they need to hear. Then all we need is courage to say the words, even if we stumble.

The big surprise is that we get back what we give out. If by our words and actions we give out love and kindness, that's what we'll receive in return. If not, we'll get back indifference and coldness. It's never too late to begin, even if it feels forced at the beginning.

Especially within our own families we can say the words that heal the hurts and fill the empty places. When our kids struggle they don't need our analysis of what's wrong. They need to hear us say, "I know you can handle this challenge, because I know how strong and determined you are. I believe in you and so does God and we always, always love you, no matter what."

Teenagers, who always doubt themselves, crave words like that more than we can know. They may be surrounded by friends and constantly texting people and following their Facebook "friends." They may seem so self-assured we think we as parents are irrelevent.

Not true! Every survey of teenagers says they want their parents' respect and value their parents' opinions more than any of their peers. So does every other member of our family. When we speak love we give them what they need most. If we doubt that's true, all we have to do is ask ourselves what we want and need.

This is not new theory. Solomon and the Apostle Paul wrote: 

Worry weighs us down; a cheerful word lifts us up . . . Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

                                                            Proverbs 12:25 (The Message) and Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

So once again I turn over a new leaf and resolve that I will be a Happy Mama. Every day, so help me, God.

Comments? Thoughts to share? 

Lenore