A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Lessons learned along the way

    I keep forgetting it makes no sense to ask a question when I know--and may not like--the answer. Like when I put on an outfit I'm not sure about, then ask my husband, "What do you think? Does this work?"

   What's the poor guy supposed to say? He knows by experience if he answers, "Yes," I probably won't believe him, because I wouldn't ask unless I had doubts. If he says, "No," I may respond,  "What's wrong with it?"

   Ever been there? The funniest tale I heard was of the wife who got all gussied up, then asked her husband, "How do I look?"

   He took in all her grandeur and said, lovingly, "Honey, you look as good as you've ever looked."

   She stared at him a second or two, put her hands on her hips and asked, "So what do you mean by that?"

    Every husband would be as baffled as that one. Every wife would understand perfectly.

    Bob and I have been married a lotta years by now. You might imagine that guarantees we never misunderstand each other. I hate to blast away that lovely illusion, but it ain't a-gonna happen.

   In any marriage.

   Ever.

   How could it, since marriage joins one imperfect man and one imperfect woman? That state of being will never change, whether you've been married five months or seventy-five years.

   One thing we've learned over the years: It helps to keep that in mind, especially about ourselves. It also helps to laugh, but even more to decide to laugh ... and to overlook the small annoyances and frustrations that inevitably come up between any two people. The apostle Paul puts it this way: 

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."                                  --Colossians 3:13

  That principle reminds us who we are and how we want to live together. Sometimes we slip up, like any two marriage partners, but when we remember it, we're both happier. Just wanting to builds strength into our marriage relationship, and into each of us as individuals. Take it from Bob and me, it helps put joy into the journey.

  Happy traveling!

  Lenore

  Your comments?

 

   

   

Getting to know each other

    We may never meet face-to-face, but I hope over time you'll catch a sense of who I am. In case I come across as a woman who fancies herself some sort of expert, let me clear up any confusion. 

    Let me be the first to say, I'm not an expert. I'm just a woman who has lived awhile, and I mean to be a friend. I hope now and then I pass on something you can use in your life.

    Whatever age or stage of life we're in, each one of us continually treks through uncharted territory. The best analogy I ever saw was that it's like taking the test first, then receiving the textbook after the test. I often ask myself, Why couldn't I have known then what I know now? 

    Ever been there? 

   Take being a mom, for example, which equals one surprise after another. Beforehand none of us really grasp what it means to have your child constantly moving from one new phase to another. About the time we think we have a handle on it, our darling moves into a new--and bewildering--phase. The other big surprise, at least for my husband and me, was to discover that what we thought we had "mastered" with our first child didn't necessarily translate into parenting our second. (Or our third. Or our fourth.) Each much-loved daughter arrived as a new case study and plunged us back into not-knowing-as-much-as-we-thought-we-did.

    We gained confidence along the way in managing the nitty-gritty of daily life. But to figure out what made any of our four daughters tick remained a mystery we tried to solve. They grew physically, while we grew emotionally and spiritually, trying to cope.

    Back then books on parenting were fewer, and those I checked out seemed divorced from real life. (Intellectual analysis wasn't what I was looking for.) I couldn't ask my mother or mother-in-law because the latter died of cancer when our first child was nine months old. My mom dealt with serious health challenges for years, the last being ALS (Lou Gerhrig's disease.) She died at age fifty-four. Although both of our fathers later remarried and were happy, somehow easy communication with these two good women never developed. 

   During those happy, busy years on the farm I often felt awash in child-rearing. I had one wonderful friend a bit older than I who, thanks be, was on the same wave length. Her three kids were several years older than ours, so she seemed a wellspring of wisdom to me. After all, she had experience! Her children had been the ages of ours--and she was still smiling. Blessedly, my friend had a listening heart.

    So when I felt swamped, I'd call and ask, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?" That wonderful woman never said, "No." So I'd drive the half-mile or so between our farms and she'd welcome me in with a hug. We would sip fresh coffee while sitting at her old round oak kitchen table while I poured out my heart, sometimes with a few tears. She'd listen intently, then speak the words I longed to hear: "You'll be okay," or "Don't worry, they'll grow out of it." 

    Sometimes she'd stare off in the distance, then say, "Yeah, that's really hard, isn't it? I don't have any answers. But one thing I know for sure, God will get you through this."

    After an hour or so I'd head for home feeling encouraged, strengthened. Later I would realize she hadn't given me new information, but rather spoke what I already knew. But I needed to hear someone else repeat those truths aloud ... someone who had been there, done that.

    Think of me as that sort of friend to you. Just a woman who has learned a lot along the way ... and continues to, day after day. (That still surprises me; I had supposed at some point one would have all the answers.) I know now we never stop learning and growing. Neither do the people in our lives. So we're guaranteed the "opportunity" to keep on learning and being stretched for as long as we keep on breathing. That's a wonderful thing. Honest!

    Right now perhaps you feel like Queen of the World. Or maybe you're chewing your fingernails, sweating out what will happen with one of your kids ... or with your own life. 

    Wherever you are in life, hang onto the truth: 

• You are stronger than you think.
• As long as you're breathing, you can begin again.
• When you talk to God in your prayers, don't play games. Speak what's on your heart, openly,  honestly. He won't be shocked. 
• Whatever road you're walking, you need not travel alone. Just ask and Jesus will walk with you, strengthen you, his arm around your shoulders.

    May you have at least one good friend--and may you be a friend to someone who's walking a few steps behind. (Remember, that makes you "an expert.")

    Blessings,

    Lenore

    Your thoughts?

You never know what's around the corner

    As long as we're breathing, we can keep on learning and growing. As they say, life is full of surprises. I think that's exciting, don't you? Who would want to stay stuck? 

    For me, setting up this blog has kept me learning and growing for weeks. (See earlier post, "Looking on the world.") Since I'm figuring it out as I go along, continuing education is guaranteed. (Come to think of it, maybe that's another definition for living life.)

    Until the end of August, I have an article running in a "webmag," a.k.a. "web magazine." (I'll give you the link in a minute.) Writing that came about because the subject matter ties back to one of those surprises in life. This one convinced me that God does, indeed, have a sense of humor.

    How else would I end up writing a book for parents on talking to one's children about sex?

    For those who don't know the story, I wrote the parent's book in the "Learning about Sex" series published by Concordia Publishing House (CPH). The Publishers' goal was to put out books that set forth truth and accuracy about sexuality within the framework of Scripture, presented in an easy, understandable way. Five would be for children and teens, and age-appropriate.

   I agreed whole-heartedly with the concept of the Series and was excited about it, but writing that parents' book sounded like a daunting assignment. Concordia editors assured us six writers that our manuscripts would be thoroughly checked by knowledgeable people in child development, marriage and family counseling, in  medicine, and in theology. Knowing I could call on them at any time, I breathed a sigh of relief ... and thanks. 

    Have you noticed that it's easier to feel confident before you begin a project than during? 

    Here's what followed. Every day for months I planted myself at my typewriter, often staring at the wall and wondering how I got myself into this. "Help me, Lord!" became the cry of my heart. My husband's support never lagged, thank God. Somehow I knew deep down I was where I was supposed to be. So I prayed and plugged along ... and made the CPH deadline. 

    I've never been so challenged in my writing, nor felt so good about the final product. Over the years Concordia has published three more editions of the Series. My book bears the title, How to Talk Confidently with Your Child about Sex. I've intended it to be both helpful and accurate, so each time I've revised text, checking and updating needed health statistics for my book. By now I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about STDs, teenage pregnancy and the like. 

    Late last fall the Concordia editor in charge called to say they planned a fifth edition of the Series. (You can guess what kept me busy over Christmas and into January of 2008.) The books came out in July, 2008. All along many talented, creative individuals have been involved in production, with appealing new illustrations and fresh formatting for this edition. (The books are available from www.cph.org, as well as many other sources.)

    In another twist, this new edition led to me writing the webmag article I meantioned. It's titled, "Want to Know Who's Teaching Your Kids about Sex? Look in the Mirror!" If you want to check it out, you have until September 1, when it's due to be replaced. Go to this link: www.mtlmagazine.com . Once there, look at the row of gray icons beneath the banner across the top. A click on the heart icon will take you to my article.

     So it turns out the cliche saying is true. Life is full of surprises, from first to last, so let us rejoice! Otherwise life might be something like that movie, "Groundhog Day." Remember? The same day, the same thoughts, the same ways of coping ... over and over and over. I don't know about you, but I think that would be deadly dull.

    Of course, some surprises we don't like much. Some disappoint us or cause us deep sadness. Whether they trouble us or zap us with unexpected delight, they remind us we're only human. When we forget that, we get out of balance. To quote one wise old woman I knew, "We go all calliwopsis." 

    So let's embrace it. Here's to living on tiptoe, poised for what comes next!

    Lenore

Which goals are worth it for you?

    Although no one would ever call me an athlete, telecasts of the Olympics keep me up way too late every night.

   A more self-disciplined friend records the events that especially appeal to her family. Her daughters love to watch the gymnastics, over and over. They're the right age to imagine themselves on that scene, blissfully ignorant of what it costs. You'll hear Olympic athletes say, "I've dreamed of this since I was a young child."

    That dream--and loving, supportive parents--sets the wheels in motion. If you've listened to the interviews and commentary, you've heard the accounts of families moving across the country so their would-be Olympian could have the best training. One couple mortgaged their home twice to cover the costs. Their family caught Olympic fever, and it took over their life.

    I've been thinking a lot about goals. Sometimes we don't realize we're working on one, don't name it as such. But anytime we direct our efforts and energies in one direction, that's a goal. These can range from the sublime to the silly. To want to be a great mom is a great goal. To expect your kids to always make you look good is silly.

    For our kids and ourselves, the trick is to hang onto reality, but not to rain on the dream. So we search out what's achievable, what fits who we are. Not one of us is stamped out of a mold. It's unfair to think one child is like the other and look for behavior or temperament qualities as if they were. We are, each of us, created unique--and aren't you glad? We are "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Read Psalm 139 and be reassured.)

    The earlier we plug in that little truth, the happier we'll be, and so will our kids. Remembering that colors what we expect, how we evaluate each one and each situation. Or it should.

    So let's applaud the Olympic athletes, those amazing physical specimens, as well as their loving parents. But out here in the real world let's accept ourselves and our children as we are. Let's set real world goals that help us grow while keeping our feet firmly planted in reality. 

    Anything else is madness.

    Here's to appreciating who we are--and each of our children, too.

    Lenore

Education, Part Two

    Along with education for life, instilling self-esteem ranks high on the list of many parents.That sounds like a noble goal, but it's easy to get carried away with it.

    Perhaps, like me, you've heard some parents exclaim, with pride and even awe, "This generation knows so much more than mine ever did!"

    Others frequently tell their child, "You're so smart!" 

    (Hmmm. From the child's point-of-view, why should this Einstein kid listen to an "inferior" parent?)

    Even adults have difficulty staying balanced when they're constantly the center of attention.  Why be surprised if a child begins to think the world revolves around him or her? 

    To be effective and productive even the brightest individuals need self-understanding and self-discipline. Developing those qualities takes awhile, for all of us. The usual process seems to be try and fail, make mistakes, gaining experience along the way. Humility comes in handy, too. Eventually we gain wisdom.

    Knowledge does not equal wisdom. Wisdom is knowing what to do with the knowledge one possesses.

    Wealth does not equal a happy life. Even if you possess both, your life could be an empty shell, never able to trust that anyone cares about you rather than your money. 

    People to love and who love you matter so much more and give meaning to life. 

    Something to live for provides a reason to get up every morning.

    Real wealth, real peace, consists of knowing who you are and Whose you are. 

    Now, in the beginning of this school year, is a good time to remember that--and pass it on to our children. When we forget, we short-change them . . . and ourselves.

    Here's to education and figuring out what counts,

    Lenore