Most of us do. We read the news--or we look around--and fear for our daughters and sons. We know how making wrong choices could change their lives. But it's easy to suppose we're too uninformed, so maybe it's best to "leave it to the experts."
"Besides," one parent says to another, "today's teenagers are so much smarter than we were! I mean, they have all those sex education classes in school ... And they're all so much more open than we were. They talk about everything--with all their friends. What can I possibly tell them that they don't already know? "
True, schools offer (or require) that students attend age-appropriate sex education classes, starting before the teen years. In a typical class students will be instructed in how the body works, along with accurate terminology. They'll learn how a male and female have sex--in a variety of possible ways, sometimes along with analogies to "other animals" who mate. Straight and gay will be presented as equally normal and equally desirable.
Youngsters will hear statistics on teen pregnancy, how it can be riskier and have a negative impact on both teen parents for life. They'll be instructed in the various means of abortion available. Using "protection" of one kind or another will be emphasized, plus risks and benefits of each. Symptoms and prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and HIV/Aids will be presented, along with the need to always wear a condom. Self-gratification will be covered. The overall tone will be that whatever they're feeling is normal and natural, whether straight or gay, and that acting on urges is okay as long as you're "responsible" and "use protection."
You may be thinking, That just about covers it! But did you notice what's missing?
Most teachers are dedicated and caring, but here's the thing often overlooked. Unless your daughter or son attends a Christian school, the instructor almost certainly is required to offer facts, but just as certainly is not allowed to impose any moral teaching along with it. (Perhaps something like, "use things, not people" may be said, but don't count on more.)
That's up to each mom and dad. Although that may seem senseless, probably it's for the best. As the parent, it's your privilege to help your kids understand what to do with who they are and what they know. You can offer insights and talk with them about how this fits into the framework of your own family's faith and standards--or does not. Who better than you, fellow struggler, to teach your children about how to live?
Obviously, "sex education" alone is not enough. Take a look around next time you're in your local shopping center. If it's like the ones I shop in, you'll see a lot of very young moms, often in pairs, pushing baby strollers. Some look happy, some don't. Once in awhile they're accompanied by a young male. Don't misunderstand, I am thankful these babies were allowed to be born! Yet these young women seem to me to provide walking evidence that "being informed" isn't enough to keep teenagersfrom short-circuiting their course through life.
So what's a parent to do? Talk with your children, even though you feel awkward and fear they may laugh or groan. Talk, talk, talk. Seize the moment when your're watching a TV show and something makes you cringe. When you're chauffeuring your kids around. When you're cooking or cleaning up together. Pay attention to what's in their world (music lyrics, MTV, Internet sites, etc.) First, you need to be aware what your kids are exposed to. Second, you can't communicate with them if you lack a smidgen of insight into what's rattling around in their heads. Even good kids get sucked into media that would appall their parents. Those who market this stuff know how to make it appealing to young people.
When should one start? Now! Once you have your antennae up, you'll find opportunities more often than you think. For example, suppose you spot one of those single teenage moms we mentioned before. Avoid criticism of individuals, but do ask how your child thinks this will impact the young mother and father. Talk casually about how glad you are that your children will want to be through with school and married before they start having babies. Let your daughter or son think it through and tell you how this would help an individual be more ready to be a parent. Would it be better for the child? If so, why? (Don't forget to search out examples of young people you admire, too.)
Little everyday conversations, one upon the other, help your youngster gradually form a solid personal foundation. Your goal is that this beloved child comes to share your older-and-wiser view beforehand. That provides a basis upon which an adolescent can think through these urgent, complicated issues. Otherwise, hormones take charge.
Can you impose this view? Nope. Are there guarantees? Never. Will you pray? Always!
Yet all the research and polling of teenagers point to one truth: More than any teacher, more than the best pastor or youth pastor, the parent influences the child. Kids learn when parents talk with them. But they probably learn more from watching and listening as their moms and dads talk with and interact with their friends and neighbors. Young people assume that's when their parents reveal what they really believe vs. their "parent speak." (How's that for a shocker?)
I literally wrote the book--at least, one book--on talking to one's children about sex. It's part of the Learning about Sex series published by Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis.
Because I'm a mom who learned a lot along the way, this book features language any parent can understand. Rest assured, everything in it is based on solid medical information and Christian principles, and was checked by professionals in relevant fields. The emphasis throughout is on what Scripture teaches, that we are indeed, "fearfully and wonderfully made," and that our sexuality is God's gift, too precious to be squandered casually.
You'll find many books available now, a number of them Christian-based. I know these Series books best, of course. They're quality books, used in many Christian schools and praised by professionals. This Fifth Edition of the Series, newly illustrated and formatted, came out in July, 2008. As with each new edition before it, I revised and updated the text in my book. I always recheck the medical information and statistics, too, to ensure that everything is current, both in the text and in the extensive Glossary. I'm thankful this book fills a need and proud of the work I've done on it. Believe me when I say that I prayed more earnestly while working on this book than on anything else I've ever written. (To order, go to www.cph.org )
You see, like every other set of dads and moms since Adam and Eve, my husband and I did our best with what we knew at the moment. That's all any of us can do. In most places parents were expected to educate their own children about sex. We tried ... and did not excel. We stumbled and stammered, too, feeling inept. We gave our children some of the available books--and we did a lot of learning ourselves.
Believe it or not, bookstores didn't feature yard-upon-yard of parenting books, especially related to sexuality. At the time we thought ourselves more enlightened and open than our parents--and we were. That's no excuse, just a statement of fact. You may look back and think your parents didn't prepare you for adolescence. Give them a break; like you, they were only human. (Trust me, someday you'll want your oh-so-with-it children to cut you some slack, as well.)
Here's the bottom line. Bathe your parenting with prayer. When it comes to talking about sex with your children, pray God will give you the words. Then breathe deep and jump in. Trust God to "translate" your halting speech into truth in your child's heart. Soon you'll find yourself feeling more comfortable talking to your kids about sexuality. That's a good thing, because either you help your children form a life view of sexuality and what's right and wrong, or someone else will. Always, it's your choice.
Remember, you're not in this alone, because God loves your child even more than you. He loves it that you care--and so do I!
Lenore
Your comments welcomed!
