A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Half-full or half-empty?

How do you see the glass of your life? Is it half-full or half-empty?                                  

Every day of our lives, we choose. 

We can focus on what have or on what we lack. Give thanks for what is or wail about what is not.

Truth is, we decide what kind of life we're living.

That makes no sense, especially in the middle of a hard time, right?

Wrong. It makes perfect sense. Why make a bad situation worse by holding a never-ending pity party?

I know a woman who as a teenage girl heard her doctor announce, "You have Muscular Dystrophy. I'm sorry, but there is no treatment and there is no cure."

That was more than forty years ago. Since that dark day "Mary" has experienced the progressive weakening of her body. She and one of our daughters have been friends since both were in their twenties. Whenever I go to visit that daughter I also see Mary and I've observed the progression of her M. D. At this point she astounds her doctors just by being alive. In order to remain in her home she depends absolutely on the help of caregivers, family and friends.

They all love her. So do the paramedics who sometimes rush her to the hospital, as well as her doctors and nurses.

Why wouldn't they? Mary accepts the facts of her life without bemoaning her fate. Her smile is as wide as a house and her sense of humor never fails. Through it all, she maintains her feisty spirit and exudes life.

I never heard Mary complain. Her faith in a loving God remains strong and her eyes reveal the peace within her.

Mary spends her days in a motorized wheelchair and accepts various physical indignities calmly. Does she ever give in to frustration? Of course. She's no plaster saint. Does she take it out on caregivers and people who love her? Not by all accounts. Despair may come knocking, but if so, she apparently refuses to answer the door.

Her horizons broadened some years ago when friends installed a user-friendly E-mail program she could manage. She promptly became an E-mail champ, exchanging messages with people all over the country. Since she had unlimited time, she became the go-to person for Google research.

When holding books and newspapers on her own became impossible TV viewing seemed the only way to fill her days. Kindle changed all that. Once again the wider world opened up to her. Mary quickly became the authority on which new book(s) to read.

This past year her increasing weakness threatened to cut all this short. Then came the I-Pad. Now once someone places a stylus in each of her hands she can E-mail, watch movies or read a wide assortment of books, plus several newspapers.

Nevertheless, most of us would consider her glass half-empty. 

Not Mary. She focuses on the fullness of her life, the gift of modern technology and on friends and family who take her places and treat her with love. Mary would say she knows a blessing when she sees one.

Each of us deals with our own set of challenges and our own testings every day. Yet the question for us is the same as for Mary: How will we choose to perceive our lives?

One thing more. Mary calls on God to get her through her days. We can, too.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble . . . I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

--Psalm 46:1; Philippians 4:13

What do you think? Comments, please.

Here's to having eyes that see the fullness in our lives,

Lenore

Are you a Tiger Mother? Should you be?

If you haven't seen her interviewed yet, you will. Amy Chua, a Yale law professor and the mother of two teenage girls, wrote a book titled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The day the book was released it shot to No. 6 on Amazon.

As a writer, that makes me drool. 

Amy Chua is the daughter of Filipino immigrants with roots in China and a self-described "Tiger Mom." She lays out her description of the Eastern-style parenting she followed as a mom. No TV, no pets, no computer games. No playdates or sleepovers. Endless academic drills, with no grades under A tolerated. Nothing less than being the top in any class, except in gym and in drama. Prolonged, dedicated piano and violin practice, with no other instruments allowed.

As a Tiger Mother, when her children didn't comply, she called them "lazy" or "garbage." If they didn't follow the rules she threatened to burn their stuffed animals or give away favorite playthings, piece by piece, until they did. When they achieved--and they did, in many ways--she was at their side, supportive and proud.

To no one's surprise, critics have lined up on all sides.

Chua considers typical Western (American) parenting lax and undisciplined.

I admit I have not yet read Chua's book, only an Associated Press article. Yet I can't help contrasting what I learned over the years our four girls were growing up--and since. I agree that children benefit from knowing exactly what their parents expect of them. That is, set clear, loving, thoughtful limits--and stick to them.

But I believe even as we monitor, we back off and let our children have individual freedom within the "fences" we set up.

As for Amy Chua's insistance on tolerating no grades lower than A, I think that's both unrealistic and uncaring. That makes the grade more important than the child. I believe each child is a unique creation of God. One of a kind. One youngster naturally finds schoolwork a struggle, while another will find it a snap. As for pressing youngsters to be the best--or else--where does that leave the one who comes in second?

We paid attention, of course, to how our children were doing in school, in a low-pressure way. Perhaps my husband and I were naive--or perhaps we stumbled on a secret. Somehow we assumed our children were good kids who would study and turn in assignments on time. Our girls did well in school because they wanted to, not because my husband and I insisted they do. We almost never helped our children with their homework. (If they had flunked a test or a grading period, well, that would be what they chose to get by goofing off. Then they would have had to work it out with their teacher. We stayed in the background, but kept informed. At home we would have restricted their privileges until they were back on track.)

As for homework, our parenting style was to put them to work. If they didn't understand a word, we'd say, "Look it up, that way you'll remember it." If they struggled to find a solution for a problem, they knew our first question would be, "Did you go back and reread what came before so you have it clear in your mind?"

We reminded our girls that just as Mom and Dad had work to do, they had school work to do. That made getting their studies done their responsibility, not ours. That ensured they would feel justifiably good about themselves for following through. So did we, as proud of their character as their grades.

We believed--and counselors like Dr. Henry Cloud back it up--that a child's self-esteem stems from feeling competent, not from endless parental variations of, "You're terrific!"

Did we encourage each daughter to try out for various activities? Of course. If they found they couldn't do it or didn't want to, we gave them a hug and said, "That's okay."

Like most parents, we wanted each of our daughters to develop as individuals, to build on their strengths and to thrive, each in her own way and on her own timetable. For us what mattered was that our girls know we loved them the same, whether they reached the top or scraped the bottom.

Oh-oh. I guess that guarantees I will never make it as a Tiger Mother.

Here's a question for you. What do you think of Amy Chua's Tiger Moms theory? Did you find any points of agreement or disagreement? Why not click on "Comments" and tell us?

Joy in your journey,

Lenore