Did you ever notice how many people talk about even very young children as if they were miniature adults? It seems to me they confer upon youngsters way more self-control, maturity and judgment than kids are capable of at those ages.
Well-meaning parents do it, too. No doubt you've heard someone ask a little one, "What shall we have for lunch today?"
Lots of kids would be ready to shout, "Popsicles!" or "Gummi-Bears and M&Ms!"
Then Mommy might answer, "But, Honey, you know we couldn't have that for lunch. That wouldn't be healthy!"
Any reasonable child would be thinking, So why did you ask me if it doesn't matter what I say?
Good point
We do ask without really intending to take a child's answer seriously.
Sometimes our questions put the child a decision-making position that belongs to the parent. I remember the earnest young working mom I talked to before school started. She and her husband were going on a cruise, which would end just past the beginning date of school in her area. The problem was that "Timmy," her oldest child, was enrolled in kindergarten and it would be underway before she returned.
"So I just gave Timmy the choice," she said. "Did he want to wait for Mommy to come back and take him, so we could go into the school together and I could meet the teacher with him? Or did he want to go on his own, without Mommy? I told him if he waits, he'll miss out on lots of important stuff, like meeting other kids.
"I'm glad he decided to wait, so I can go with him on his first day, after all.
"But it is his choice. After all, Timmy is five years old. That's old enough to make decisions about his own life."
Do you agree?
It seems to me that decision belonged to the parents, not their five-year-old. He simply hasn't lived long enough to know.
That's not to say children should never have a voice. We give our kids a lifetime gift when we allow them to make age-appropriate choices. Little by little we increase the number of choices they get to make. By the way, that includes letting them live with the consequences (unless that would mean actual harm to them.) Always, we keep a watchful, protective eye--without hovering.
All this helps them learn and grow into strong young individuals who can manage on their own. And isn't that our goal as parents?
We need self-honesty, too
I suspect that young mom wanted to be missed and needed, but right then her longing for a vacation outweighed the beginning of kindergarten.
We're all wired the same way. We tend to think of our desires first. Being a parent keeps us shoving aside our wants and putting our kids first, but let's face it, we get weary. Growth is good, but sometimes it's not much fun.
Sooo we cut ourselves some slack. We try not to ask our children questions unless we plan to take their answers seriously.
We let our kids be kids.
Through their growth--and ours--we keep on encouraging, keep on loving.
As the writer of 1 Peter said in chapter 4, verse 8 (NIV):
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Love,
Lenore
