A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Which is more important, facts or expectations?

That's a question worth considering because it applies to all human relationships, the workplace and even school classrooms.

By now I've lived long enough to understand we often find what we're looking for.

Does that sound too simplistic? Read on. This often-told story is said to be true and it carries a timeless universal message. Here's my version, all names fictional. 

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Shortly before school commenced for the year brand-new teacher Angie White visited the school office. The secretary handed her a stack of files. "Sorry, no grade transcripts. Principal Green likes new teachers to start off fresh and form their own opinions.  I do have some lists and notes Mrs. Black left behind when she retired. Last year she taught most of these children in fourth-grade."  

Angie noticed some students had asterisks by their names and a few names were underlined. Hmm. I'll bet these were her favorites--or maybe the brightest ones or the most responsible. What a treat it will be to have a class with so many above-average kids!                               

Next Monday the children showed up and Miss Angie greeted them with a big smile. Over time other teachers noted her consistently upbeat attitude. A couple of veterans talked about it in the teachers' lounge. Miss Lucy said, "She'll get over it soon enough. In the beginning we all thought we could change the world, too. It won't be long before our Miss White gets a dose of reality."

At year's end Principal Green scheduled the usual closing assembly and picnic. Retired teachers were invited as special guests. As soon as she could Angie headed over to meet the teacher who had eased her way.

"I'm Angie White, the fifth-grade teacher who inherited your wonderful class. Oh Mrs. Black, you must have been an inspiring teacher to those fourth-graders! Thanks so much for leaving behind those helpful notes that identified your brightest students. I loved teaching them. No matter how I challenged them, they amazed me with their ability."

Dorothy Black stared at her. "My wonderful class? My dear, you must have me confused with someone else. You can't possibly be talking about the children I had last year. They were the main reason I retired early."

Angie White's forehead creased. "But remember your list? At first I didn't know what those asterisks next to certain names might mean. Then I figured out that was your code to identify top students. And you were right-on. Those kids absolutely exceeded my expectations. It seemed they sparked everyone else, too. I was so privileged to have a class like that in my first year of teaching. Hope they didn't spoil me for next year when I get a class of kids who are just average."

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Please give me some names!"  

Mrs. Black took her hand. "My dear, I marked the names of the problem children, the incorrigible ones, the ones who never turned in their homework. They barely made it through fourth grade.

"I wasn't surprised, of course, because their third-grade teacher Sandra Sims warned me to expect a rough year. Just as she said, many were below-par and a couple had real behavior problems. So I just did the best I could with them and somehow got through the year."

Angie White looked away, clearing her throat and blinking back tears. What can I say?

Finally Dorothy Black took her hand and her voice broke, "I see now there's no mystery, my dear. I think those children simply lived up to my expectations.

"They also lived up to yours ..."

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

This little tale packs a punch, doesn't it?

It always leaves me with questions.

• How often do I plug in someone else's opinion instead of making my own judgments?
• Do I expect the best or the worst out of people? Out of life?
• Do I allow the people in my life to be who they are?

Every day, in every instance it starts with our mindset. We can't do better than the Apostle Paul's words in Philippians 4:8:

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  -ESV

Still learning, 

Lenore

 

Take heart, Mom. You are your child's biggest "advantage" in life

Have you ever doubted your ability to give your children what they need? 

Most of us have. Then it's good to remind ourselves about individuals who overcame big challenges and reared solid families.

My favorite example is Sonya Carson. I've admired her ever since her younger son, Ben--yes, that Ben Carson--held our convention audience spellbound as he told of his growing-up years. 

Sonya coped with challenges most of us can't imagine. 

• She only completed Grade 3 in school
• At age 13 she married 28 year-old Robert Carson
• They moved to Detroit after he finished his U.S. Army service
• Son Curtis arrived when Sonya was 20 and Ben, two years later 
• Five years later she discovered her husband "forgot" to mention his other (first) wife and children--and still supported them
• Within two years Sonya and Robert separated, then she divorced him
• She and the boys moved in with relatives in Boston
• Two years later the Sonya and her boys moved back to Detroit and into subsidized housing

Sonya was determined to provide for her family

She took whatever honest low-skills, low-pay jobs she could find, working two or three at a time. She left before dawn and came home late, often finding her sons asleep in front of the television set. 

Each day the boys got themselves up, then walked along the railroad track to school. Classmates called fifth-grader Ben the dumbest kid in class and made jokes about him. 

Almost every Sunday the trio attended their church at least once.

One day he brought home a report card that changed his life 

His mother was not happy. "You're a smart boy, Bennie! I know you can do better! If you keep up like this, you'll end up sweeping floors or on skid row. That's not the kind of life I want for you--and neither does God."

Sonya turned to God, whom she calls her friend and partner, and asked for wisdom.

A day or so later she announced new rules and pledged her sons to honor them.

• Come home home immediately after school
• No playing outside until after homework is done
• Be inside the apartment by sunset, with doors locked; Halls and public areas are dangerous
• Only two TV programs per week--after homework
• Each week read two books from the neighborhood public library and write a book report
• Mother will critique each book report 

The boys complained and friends criticized, but nothing swayed Sonya

She told them, "I know you boys have good minds. If you can read, you can learn just about anything you want to know. The doors of the world are open to people who can read."  

Before long the friendly public librarians knew both boys well. Each week Sonya Carson carefully read their book reports, asking questions and offering encouragement. (For years it didn't occur to her sons she might not understand every word she read.)

First Bennie read his way through the section on animals and then tackled books about rocks. The crushed rocks along the track now fascinated him. By the middle of his sixth grade, Benjamin led his class.

Ben's biggest challenge

All along Ben struggled with his violent temper, which led to frequent confrontations with classmates. The turning point came when he was 14 and stabbed a friend. Only that boy's heavy metal belt buckle saved his life.

Ben ran home and locked himself in the bathroom with his Bible. He stayed there for hours, asking God to help him deal with his temper. He found many verses about anger in the Book of Proverbs. Proverbs 16:32 pierced his heart:

"Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city." 

Ben vowed that with God's help, he would control his anger, rather than let his anger control him. After that his temper no longer troubled him.

Sonya's plan pays big dividends

From then on Ben poured himself into his studies, graduated high school, entered Yale in 1969, then went on to medical school. (Older brother Curtis, became an engineer and designed airplane parts.) At age 33, Benjamin Solomon Carson, M.D., became the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins. He pioneered in separating co-joined (Siamese) twins. 

A committed Christian, he still reads from the Book of Proverbs, morning and evening.

Like Mother, like son

Ben discounts the lifetime effect of poverty and racial prejudice.

"The person who has the most to do with who you are and what you become is you." 

"My mother used to say, 'If you walk into an auditorium full of racist, bigoted people ... you don't have a problem, they have a problem ...'

His philosophy probably stems from from Sonya Carson's frequent admonition to her sons: 

"You do your best and God will do the rest."

She lived that principle herself. "My job was to prepare them. And I turned to God for help every inch of the way."

You are equipped to rear your kids

You'll have days you feel life is too hard or think you lack what it takes. If money is tight, you may fear you're shortchanging your children. 

Then call Sonya Carson and her courage to mind. Think of the rich gifts she gave her sons in that dismal setting! She spoke courage when she didn't know how she'd get through the week. She set limits for her children, always speaking faith and confidence. They grew strong from within--and so did she. 

Not once did she walk alone. Neither do you, if, like Sonya, God is your friend and your partner.

Blessings,

Lenore