We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.
Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to.
Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.
If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.
Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you.
The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.
Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up
- "You make me sick!"
- "Can't you ever do anything right?"
- "You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it."
Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible.
Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.
In some families--or marriages--hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even--or perhaps more so--if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.
(And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?)
You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. --Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead
It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!
You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.
So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.
(If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)
After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.
Then believe it!
What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?
No parent--or spouse--is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.
Life-giving words can change lives.
Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.
What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")
The great thing--and a hard thing--is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart."
This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top.
Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too.
It's not only children who crave words that give life
Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.
But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."
Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony--and it is. Steady and sincere love--in word and actions--is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.
What kind of words?
- "I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."
- "Thanks. I appreciate you."
- "It means so much to know I can always count on you."
- "I love you."
Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home--or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?
(Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)
Again, Paul lays out our motivation.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. --Colossians 3:12,17 (NIV)
There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.
They're the gift that truly does keep giving--for life.
Still growing, too,
Lenore
