A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Parent pointers: Take the tension out of parenting teens

The other day I talked with the frazzled mom of a couple of teens 

Immediately, memory swept me back to the always-challenging days when three of our four kids were teenagers. Back then I often wondered whether I'd make it through. If only we had known at the beginning what we figured out by the end.

Nobody ever does.

The good news is that teen-age is a passage, not a life sentence for either parent or child.

Hang on to that. (It will keep you sane.)   

A new relationship lies just ahead.  

Today's mutual frustration will pass, not on a predictable timetable because personalities differ. But one day you and your child will relate to each other as adult to adult, actually enjoying each other's presence.

Trust me, it can happen--and usually does. 

Here's a bit of what we picked up along the way

* There are no cookie-cutter teens

Every adolescent insists on steering through these years in his or her own way.

As parents it helps to start the day by asking God's blessing and guidance, then taking an "energy drink" from God's Word like Philippians 4:13:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Repeat as often as needed throughout the day.

* Conflict is part of the transition process  

I remember thinking, I can't say or do anything right! (This went on for years.) I felt overwhelmed by what seemed everlasting conflicts.

I learned it helps to step outside ourselves and walk a mile in our kid's flip-flops.

Those youngsters who now look us in the eye are as surprised as we are. They, too, are baffled by their mood swings, by one minute sounding adult and mature and the next like a whiny toddler. They don't understand themselves and that's part of what makes them so testy.

We never know what to expect of them, true, but neither do they. 

*The closer adolescents feel to their parents, the harder they find it to see themselves as separate individuals 

One teen we knew, um, very well went to bed one night a sweet, loving girl. Next morning an individual who looked the same came to breakfast and slammed every door along the way--hard. This went on for a year and a half.

Hostility for no reason.

Total shock for parents.

Then a family counselor friend explained it's as if teens must "build a case" in order to give them courage to separate themselves from loving parents. That helped us get a better perspective.

We pledged to keep on loving, no matter what and this verse became our motto:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                    -1 Peter 4:8 

* Trying to exert tighter control usually backfires

Our child's rebellion makes us want to clamp down, just to show who's in charge. Adolescents with an ounce of spunk react by digging in even deeper. They think their moms and dads still view them as little kids and want to hold them back. 

It's more effective to back off on what isn't harmful. As one mom put it, "I'm strict on what really matters, but I don't get upset over small stuff. If he wants to spray his hair green or go to school in holey jeans I let it go." 

Young birds need to try their wings. So do teens, preferably before they leave the nest. 

 * Loosen the cords and slowly play out the line

Trot out a tested principle of parenting: With freedom comes responsibility.

Put another way, increased freedom is a privilege, not a perk that automatically comes at a given age.

So we keep track of their everyday behavior as a gauge of their level of maturity. Whether they keep their word. Whether they demonstrate kindness toward others without being reminded. Whether they abide by our house rules without being nagged.  

We respond to their trust-worthiness by slowly doling out freedoms. Taking the family car, for example, comes after proving oneself reliable and responsible in many other ways. 

It's similar to what Jesus said: 

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."  --Luke 16:10

Hang in there. You are not alone. God gave you each of your children and He will carry you through. Count on it.

With love,

Lenore    

 

Feeling insignificant? Not true! We're all links in God's chain

Do you ever feel as if people hardly notice what you do? Or say?

We all have days--or down times--now and then. That's when we remind ourselves what we know is true. God created us

Have you ever noticed how each link in a chain needs the others or else it can extend no farther than its own length?

It's an imperfect comparison, but God links us to the people around us, too. In ways we may never know, He uses us in the lives of others to carry out His purposes. 

We have no need to understand how for that to be true. 

All we need to do is trust and pray, then leave the specifics to Him.

Looking at one "chain" through the wide-angle lens of time

In 1824 an ordinary man, Edward Kimball, felt "someone" should start a Sunday school class for boys in a poor neighborhood of Boston.

No one else seemed interested, so even though he didn't view himself as qualified, Kimball took on the task. At first he felt clumsy in his teaching of the Bible, but young men started coming.

An 18-year old shoe clerk attended and came to faith in Jesus Christ as Savior. His name was Dwight L. Moody.

Not long after, D. L. Moody moved to Chicago and established a successful shoe business. Later, he started a Sunday school class, as well. Over time, weekly attendance grew to 1500.

Even though Moody was poorly educated, he felt called to preach the Gospel. Before long, wherever Moody went, huge crowds turned out to hear him.

When Moody spoke in Great Britain, one who came was a pastor: F. B. Meyer.

Meyer went home a changed man, with a new view of the Christian faith. He altered his preaching style and soon Meyer, too, began to draw crowds.

Eventually Meyer came to the U. S. to preach and one who heard him was another preacher: J. Wilbur Chapman.

Chapman decided to become an evangelist and went from city to city. His audiences grew and soon he needed an assistant.

The young helper Chapman hired was a baseball player, Billy Sunday.

After awhile, Billy Sunday became an evangelist, too, and preached in the South. He held prayer meetings and people came. In 1894 he held a prayer meeting in North Carolina. 

One who attended his North Carolina prayer meetings and came to faith was Mordecai Ham. He resolved somehow he would reach people for Jesus. Ham, too, began preaching the Gospel throughout the rural areas of North Carolina.

In 1934 a 16-year old farm boy with nothing to do came to one of Ham's revival meetings.

That young man's name? Billy Graham.

 

We live our todays, but God sees time from the beginning to the end

God used each of these "ordinary" men to impact countless lives. For eternity.

They were links in His chain, even though they had no idea that was true.

He uses us, too, although we may not see how. You and I may think what we do for the Lord is small and insignificant. But there's no telling what GOD will do with our humble efforts.

So if today you're dragging and feel you have nothing to offer, no place, no purpose, take heart.

If you believe in Jesus as your Savior you can know for sure, that God IS using you.

Right now.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.                                          --Ephesians 2:8-10  NIV

Read that last sentence again and let it sink in to your heart and your mind.

". . . prepared in advance for us to do."

All we need to do is live our lives, free of anxiety about figuring out what we should be doing for Him. God's got it all covered, so be at peace. 

Growing, too,

Lenore