Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"
I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.
Here's what I wish I had said to her.
For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.
- Commitment - Making each other and our marriage a priority.
For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their--and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.
It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.
Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?
It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.
The key is remembering what--and who--counts most.
Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.
- Communication - Being honest--and kind--with each other.
"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")
It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.
No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.
The typical male does not share that perception.
Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.
Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.
Even with our husband or wife.
Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient--and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.
- Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.
Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)
To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.
If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.
It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.
A new way to think
All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:
- "We," not "I"
- "Us," not "me"
- "Ours," not "mine"
When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.
Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.
Our children--at every age--watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.
Good advice from the Apostle Paul
As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV
