Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.
We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.
Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."
"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!
"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.
"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."
Heads nodded all around the room.
Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."
After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.
We leave imprints on our children, too
Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.
The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.
Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.
What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.
What about social media?
Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people--and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.
Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.
What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.
Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod
God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?
Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.
Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.
Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.
Even if another one "drives you crazy."
What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.
Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual.
As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.
Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective
It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.
Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.
Don't we do the same?
You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.
Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.
Drawing strength whenever we need it
Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are--and who you are:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 NIV
Program your mind for your life now
Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.
Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.
Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.
Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.
Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.
Still learning, too,
Lenore
