Have you ever said, "He/she makes me so mad!"
I have.
We're not hotheads, you and I, but you know how it goes. "Some people" just won't let up.
Won't cooperate.
Won't face the truth.
Won't see it our way.
If we spew forth a stream of angry words it feels good. We tell ourselves we're vindicated and we pat ourselves on the back for being strong.
That lasts a few delicious moments.
But . . .
Angry, careless words can be costly, especially in a marriage. They can poison the atmosphere between husband and wife.
Divide families.
End friendships.
Put up walls between people.
Here's the biggie
I used to tell my children, "Nobody else makes you mad. You choose it. Any time you get mad, she (or he) wins."
That advice is just as true for grownups. When I respond in anger, I give away personal power. Willingly.
When I "lose it," I hand over control of my mood--and my life--to someone else.
That's not good for either person, no matter who is "right" or who is "wrong."
Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and give-and-take. This allows each one to hang onto their self-respect.
Verbal attacks, on the other hand, tarnish and tear down.
How can we short-circuit this progression of temper?
As usual, the wisdom of Scripture provides a trustworthy approach. Probably you've heard Proverbs 15:1:
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ESV
Once I considered that a bit wimpy, a lot like "put up and shut up." I don't see it that way any more.
I know now that holding back anger requires strength beyond the norm.
What's more, when I stay calm and gentle in a disagreement, I am, to use a cliché, putting my money where my mouth is.
We live in the world and people notice what we do and say
That's especially true within our families, the place where it matters most.
When my mouth says I believe in Jesus, my life needs to match or my words are empty.
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. --Philippians 2:3-4 ESV
Even when we're angry, we are to treat others with respect. That may not match what we see and hear in people around us right now, but it is the Jesus way to live.
In Luke 6:31, Jesus told his followers,
"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." ESV
The Better Way
Don't get me wrong. We'll still feel that urge to let 'er rip. We are human beings. That means we'll stumble and slip, despite our good intentions.
Even in a strong friendship or a happy marriage.
We're called to respond in kindness and love. Period.
Always, it helps to:
- Pray for healing
- Remind ourself of the other person's good qualities
- Remember the good times and talk about them
Be sure to thank God this wave of emotion didn't sink you. Like a broken bone that mends, your relationship can come through stronger than before.
Differences can be a plus
In case you wonder, my husband was calm and cool. I've always been a bit more, ahem, "spirited."
Over the years we learned to talk things through. Earlier. Often.
The big surprise: Each of us has came to appreciate the very qualities in each other that once irritated us.
Each of us came to understand how we "opposites" complemented each other--and thus made our marriage better. Together we were "more" than either of us was alone.
Hmm. Could it be that's what God intended when He created us to be one-of-a-kind?
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 ESV
Let's keep our eyes on Jesus and how he would have us live in the world he gave us.
Still learning,
Lenore
