A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How to shed old messages that hold us back

Some of us are stuck in yesterday.

We still hear the critical voices of our parents or teachers or the taunts of childhood friends.  

In times of clear thinking we remind ourselves they belong in the past, but then logic fades. Old hurts and doubts resurface and hang around, so we must fight the battle all over again.

Sure, we know no one had a perfect childhood and all the rest.

But here we are, still weighed down a lot or a little by wrong messages from the past. Why?

And what can we do to live free of that load? Here's a place to start:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Psalm 118:24  NIV

Begin by recognizing painful words for what they are

This story is about our friend "Tim," but it could just as well be about "Tina".

Tim grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Especially his children.

When they came home excited because they got good grades or had won some award, their dad would laugh and ask, "Oh, getting the big head, are we?"

Every. Time.

The boy became the teenager became the adult. Everyone else considered Tim a success story.

Everyone but Tim.

Whenever things went his way at work or his wife told him she was proud of him, Tim heard his father's voice taunting him with the same hurtful question.

He felt hopeless. Would he--could he--ever be free? 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Psalm 32:8  NIV

He started thinking differently during a meeting with his men's group from church  

The study included doing a self-assessment of their lives, starting with this question:  

So who am I now? Today?

Tim mentally ticked off how hard he worked and all the ways he had grown. He thought of his wife and their strong marriage and about the good life they were building together.  

Their three children brimmed with health and earned good grades consistently. He liked his job and considered it more than just a paycheck. He enjoyed his friends at work.  

His next thought surprised him:

This is my life today, my present reality--and it is good! I have a lot to be thankful for!  

Then Tim thought of the sad little boy who grew up believing he could never measure up and wished he could give him a big hug.

At last he felt proud of his younger self. New faith insights showed him how he survived those years:  

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9  ESV

Seeing clearly at last

"For perhaps the first time, I added up the many ways my dad was a walking disaster back then. Constantly putting all of us down made him feel better about his own messed-up life.

"Once I understood that, I could let it go.

"Now and then I still hear Dad's critical voice in my head. When I do, I answer it with today's truth, which is that I like my life and what I've become. Sometimes my answers remind me I'm getting off track and that's good, too.

"It's strange, but now Dad's old question feels like a friend who asks hard questions and reminds me what I'm about." 

 (The Lord says:) "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"  Isaiah 43:18-19  ESV

Old truths endure

Long ago I found a quote which at the time brought me up short because I needed to hear its truth. It comes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D. 

"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters."

At first reading that ancient wisdom may sound harsh, but take another look. Its timeless truth can move us out from being stuck in false assumptions of the past.

Think of it as a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life.

The only thing we have within our power to control is how we think about what comes into our lives.

I don't know about you, but I'm forever relearning that principle. 

By the way, the Greek philosopher did not originate this wisdom

Take a look at Proverbs 23:7:

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.  NKJV

Lasting truths, ours for the taking.

Whether we're troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, this one-liner covers it. When we change our thinking, we change our lives.

Warmly,

Lenore                                   

Giving in to anger robs you of personal power

Have you ever said, "He/she makes me so mad!" 

I have.

We're not hotheads, you and I, but you know how it goes. "Some people" just won't let up.

Won't cooperate. 

Won't face the truth.

Won't see it our way.

If we spew forth a stream of angry words it feels good. We tell ourselves we're vindicated and we pat ourselves on the back for being strong.

That lasts a few delicious moments. 

But . . .  

Angry, careless words can be costly, especially in a marriage. They can poison the atmosphere between husband and wife. 

Divide families.

End friendships.

Put up walls between people. 

Here's the biggie

I used to tell my children, "Nobody else makes you mad. You choose it. Any time you get mad, she (or he) wins."

That advice is just as true for grownups. When I respond in anger, I give away personal power. Willingly.

When I "lose it," I hand over control of my mood--and my life--to someone else. 

That's not good for either person, no matter who is "right" or who is "wrong."

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and give-and-take. This allows each one to hang onto their self-respect. 

Verbal attacks, on the other hand, tarnish and tear down.

How can we short-circuit this progression of temper?

As usual, the wisdom of Scripture provides a trustworthy approach. Probably you've heard Proverbs 15:1:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  ESV

Once I considered that a bit wimpy, a lot like "put up and shut up." I don't see it that way any more.

I know now that holding back anger requires strength beyond the norm.

What's more, when I stay calm and gentle in a disagreement, I am, to use a cliché, putting my money where my mouth is. 

We live in the world and people notice what we do and say

That's especially true within our families, the place where it matters most.

When my mouth says I believe in Jesus, my life needs to match or my words are empty.  

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  --Philippians 2:3-4  ESV 

Even when we're angry, we are to treat others with respect. That may not match what we see and hear in people around us right now, but it is the Jesus way to live.

In Luke 6:31, Jesus told his followers,

"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them."  ESV

The Better Way

Don't get me wrong. We'll still feel that urge to let 'er rip. We are human beings. That means we'll stumble and slip, despite our good intentions.

Even in a strong friendship or a happy marriage.

We're called to respond in kindness and love. Period.  

Always, it helps to: 

• Pray for healing
• Remind ourself of the other person's good qualities
• Remember the good times and talk about them

Be sure to thank God this wave of emotion didn't sink you. Like a broken bone that mends, your relationship can come through stronger than before. 

Differences can be a plus

In case you wonder, my husband was calm and cool. I've always been a bit more, ahem, "spirited."

Over the years we learned to talk things through. Earlier. Often.

The big surprise: Each of us has came to appreciate the very qualities in each other that once irritated us.

Each of us came to understand how we "opposites" complemented each other--and thus made our marriage better. Together we were "more" than either of us was alone.

Hmm. Could it be that's what God intended when He created us to be one-of-a-kind? 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10  ESV

Let's keep our eyes on Jesus and how he would have us live in the world he gave us. 

Still learning,

Lenore

 

Forget the "perfect marriage" myth and be happier

Television interviews and articles on marriage can plant the belief if two people are right for each other, their marriage will be perfect. 

Consider that an example of faulty reasoning.

Or buying into someone else's notion of what a marriage should be.

Proceed carefully to avoid getting stuck in that patch of quicksand.     

Substitute this foundation truth instead, whether you're single or married, rich or perpetually cash-strapped:

Nobody's life is perfect.

No marriage is perfect. 

How could it be when no living human being is perfect?

What's true is this: There's no one like you--or your spouse

Whomever one marries comes equipped with: 

• a distinct personality  
• unique strengths and weaknesses  
• an individual outlook on life 
• beliefs that may differ  

Instead of viewing this as a problem, what if we saw it as a strength?

Such differences can mean that together, the couple is stronger, more complete than either one is on their own. 

Still, meshing two lives--even when wife and husband are well-matched--can be a long, delicate process.

Patience and good humor go a long way to smooth out the inevitable bumps and rough spots.   

Marriage in real life

There's no prescribed pattern to what makes for a happy marriage. Marriages are as different as the people in them.

Even the strongest marriages usually display a pattern of happy periods interspersed with times when the relationship is a bit strained and needs special attention.

It's no accident that the traditional marriage vows contain the phrase, "as long as we both shall live." In one's marriage relationship and as individuals, we keep growing and changing over a lifetime.

If we obsess over the troublesome patches in our marriage relationship we too often cheat ourselves out of what could be happy times.

Wisdom from a pro

I heard a counselor speak--sorry, I forgot his name--who works with married couples. He advises couples to picture their marriage relationship as a living thing the two of them created. Together.

A living thing as much in need of tender, watchful care as an infant.

Then he asks, "How would you keep this living thing healthy?" and "How would you care for it if it were ailing?"

Here are two of his main points:

Every living thing needs regular tending and nurturing to keep it alive. So does a marriage.

Think of regularly spending time together and really listening to each other as the "water" and "food" your marriage needs to stay healthy and thrive.

Can we keep it simple?

Absolutely. For starters, make it a priority to ask each other, "How's it going for you?" at least once a day.

Then be sure to listen to the answer. Try to make this a daily practice, free of distractions like cell phones and the TV.

If you think this couldn't make a difference, ask the couples (and families) who live by this. Most find it pays rich dividends and nourishes love because each one knows the other(s) cares.

Taking this small amount of consideration as an essential part of every day proves to the other person that you value them and love them. Not if. Not when. But now.  

Plug in to the power

Life is complicated! How can we find the right focus for our days?

Many think these verses sum up the essentials for a happy life and a happy marriage:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. --Philippians 4:8  NIV

And now just as you trusted Christ to save you, trust Him, too, for each day's problems; live in vital union with Him. Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him. See that you go on growing in the Lord, and become strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with joy and thanksgiving for all He has done. --Colossians 2:6-7  TLB             

It's been true since the beginning: As we think in our hearts, so are we.

That's good news! It means we can choose to think rightly and concentrate on building a strong, growing marriage--and life.

And that makes all the difference.

With love,

Lenore