A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How to raise your happiness level right where you are

Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that. 

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs--or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new--and we will--we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere. 

Molehills grow into mountains in no time. 

Stick with the better way            

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child--whatever their age--and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.  

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships. 

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family. 

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating. 

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky. 

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel--without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

• Each family member shares the high point of their day.
• Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day--while the others listen.
• (Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.") 
• Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch." 

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends. 

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel--and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow: 

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17 

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  --Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change--and our happiness level will keep rising. 

Learning, too,

Lenore

 

Who or what makes us who we are?

   More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.  

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.  

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips--and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know." 

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave--for pay--about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us 

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you? 

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears--and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent. 

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us 

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too. 

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  --Philippians 4:13  NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new. 

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives. 

Learning and growing never stop--and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore

Find peace when you're feeling overwhelmed

What to do when life knocks you around and you're reeling? When doubts fill your mind and you want to quit?

It can happen to any of us at any time. We reach our limits. Of patience. Or money. Or hope.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," we may say to a friend. 

Or to ourselves. Or God.

Our life may be good, at least from the outside, but disquiet nibbles away at our hearts.  

That's a lonely place to be.

Sometimes we also feel distant from God. We can't seem to pray or feel connected to the Lord we love, whom we know loves us.

Then we have two choices: Wrap ourselves up in our frustration and fretting--OR change the way we look at our life.

I hear you saying, "Talk is cheap. You don't know how hard it is for me!"

No, I don't. But I know how hard it is for me to climb out anytime I let myself get mired in that pit. Then I have to relearn this basic lesson of life:

In every situation, we choose how we think.

Call a halt

By now I easily spot the red flag thinking that leads me into risky territory. It comes sounding harmless enough, just random phrases that stoke my fears or my pride, words like these:

What if ____ ?

Why doesn't he--or she-- ____ ?

Why must I always ____ ?

How long must I put up with this? 

Where is God in all this?

Thoughts or words like this pull us down as surely as gravity makes the apple drop.

Finally, I know what helps. I've learned to catch myself and say, "Stop!"  

How does this work? 

Here's a listen to my (now) typical self-talk:  

Q: What if?   A: Why spend my time and energy worrying about  something that may or may not happen?  If or when something happens, deal with it then. 

Q: Why don't they care?   A: Maybe they do. Each individual may be speaking and acting in ways that feel right to them.

Q: Why must I always ___?   A: Stop with the "poor me" stuff. Is it really always? Think of times this other person gave in or came through, even when it cost them. Did I discount that simply because they didn't react as I would?  

Q: How long must I put up with this?   A: Am I really the only one "putting up with this"? Or does it work both ways? What's a mutually fair way to handle the situation? 

Q: Where is God in all this?   A: He's right here with me, always, keeping me alive and safe from day-to-day. Even those times I feel far from him, I can know that in Jesus Christ I am forgiven for all my mistakes and failures and I have eternal life.

Even if I'm the only one who hears it, restating the situation in a more balanced way calms me and helps me think straight. 

Fill your mental reservoir with the Good Stuff

I freely admit it took years of reading and praying--and trying and failing--before this finally became my way of thinking. I know now to make my mind switch over to what lifts my heart and eases the tension in my shoulders.

Many people advise using positive affirmations, but that doesn't do it for me. I've tried repeating phrases like, "I am at peace with the world," or "I am calm in every circumstance." 

Before long my inner nag taunts me with, "Oh yeah?"

Real peace comes when we connect with the Source:  

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.   John 14:27

Other Bible verses to lift us up   

When we feel swamped, it helps to repeat truths like these:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear ...    --Psalm 46:1a

I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?   --Jeremiah 32:27

Cast all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you. --1 Peter 5:7

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. --Philippians 4:13 

Put the Good Stuff in and gradually you'll feel the heaviness in your spirit melting away.

Even if everything about your life situation stays the same, you will be changed. And trust me, that makes all the difference.

Still learning,

Lenore