Do you remember the sparkle of when you first fell in love?
You couldn't stop smiling because you knew a secret: Somebody loved you!
It felt magical. Your somebody "got you," seemed to understand you. You felt better about yourself and about life and the future.
"Happily ever after" all at once seemed attainable and you wanted it.
Then came reality. Making a life together dimmed the dream and those secret smiles faded. Life's daily demands seemed to smoosh out the joy of being together.
One thing about sharing a life is it strips away illusions and "little quirks" begin to feel like a permanent pebble in one's shoe. Recitals of "This is what drives me crazy about you" come up so frequently that they can sound like a battle cry.
Sometimes a couple reaches the point where it seems that's all that's left between them.
Children can provide a smoke screen
Many parents sincerely want their children to feel absolutely secure in their parents' love. They aim to make home the place where never is heard a discouraging word and the clapping for each child's achievements, big or small, never stops.
Their personal conversations revolve around their child or children because, well, what could be more worthwhile?
The problem is this can suck up all their energy and concentration, leaving only leftovers for their marriage relationship. Eventually one or both discovers that it is possible to feel all alone, even while surrounded by the noisy hubbub of family life.
When happens between this husband and wife when their children grow up and move on to lives of their own? What will they have left between them?
Perhaps only then do they dare to look deeper into their hearts. One or both spouses may feel there's not enough love and mutual desire to rebuild their relationship, so why bother to try?
Many marriage counselors now believe this accounts for the high divorce rates among older adults, a.k.a., "gray divorce."
One wise older friend observed, "Divorce? Never! What I've noticed is that whatever their ages, every new couple has to adjust and work through the same basic issues. Why would I want to go through all that again?
Ways to short-circuit all that angst
Married or single, once in awhile it's good to stop what we're doing for a moment and really think about our life.
What do we as human beings need, especially from a marriage partner? Here's one good definition:
Someone who values us for who we are.
One who sees our good qualities--as well as our flaws.
A person who loves us just as we are. Period.
Most brides and grooms believe they've found just that. As the years pass it may get fogged over, but most likely, it's still there.
No better time exists to recover what you had. Find a setting that works for you both. Long lunches at a favorite place. Date nights. Periodic weekends for the two of you. Whatever brings back your smiles. The point is to have time to concentrate on each other without interruption.
Once in awhile talk about the three points mentioned above and explore together how close you come to giving each other this kind of love.
From there move on to how do we make this our reality?
This is not meant to be a tedious examination. Rather, think of it as staying current on what your partner needs now. (People change, you know.) Brainstorm how you can work together to make your marriage stronger and more fun.
A simple practice that can change a marriage
One friend says what keeps them close is always reconnecting when they come home from work. They've made it their family practice to provide a snack ready for hungry kids and permit them to watch an agreed-upon (rare) TV program. In other words, make it a reward for everyone.
Then she and her husband adjourn to a quiet corner and talk about their day. For half an hour or so they change off listening as the other one talks. They hug and cuddle. Often they pray together.
In those few moments the daily tensions fade and they remember again who they are.
Once again they are two people in love who are for each other, no matter what.
By then their youngsters will have calmed down from their day, too.
Only then do they start prepping their evening meal. Will dinner be a bit late? Yes. Will there be homework waiting? Probably.
But nobody minds, because everyone is more relaxed.
Her advice? "This precious daily treat costs nothing, but it means everything to my husband and me. It enables us to reconnect and remember that we can handle whatever comes because we have each other. Our kids don't say so very often but we know they like it, too. They've even told us it helps them know that we'll stay married."
Good advice for every one of us
Reconnecting--with people we love and with God--is essential if we're to hang on to joy and live fully the life He has given us.
When a youngster's mom and dad make time for each other they model how to make a marriage thrive and keep love alive.
Another important lesson kids learn is they are not the center of the universe.
That's an indispensable aid to navigating smoothly in the world at any age, whether at school or when they live apart from dear old Mom and Dad.
For individuals who live alone, many of the same principles apply. It's well worth the effort to put time and effort into developing and nurturing friendships and spending time together. The friendship and love of others enrich one's life. Period.
Love grows and people grow
One more factor enters in and that's faith in God. When that's the foundation on which we build, we build on bedrock that can stand firm despite the winds and storms life throws at us. If you're looking for Truth to keep you strong, here's are some verses well-loved by many:
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7
Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14
With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love ... Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:2, 32
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
With love and prayers for you, my friend,
Lenore
