A lot of people believe the very idea of keeping love alive--and thriving--over the years is an impossible dream. Not true.
From what I've observed over the years what's needed most is that each marriage partner does their best to keep their marriage Priority One.
How does that play out in practical terms? Something like this:
1. Check how you look at life
Because you two are building a life and a future together, think "we" instead of "me."
Abandon any "I need to do what's best for me" thinking. In marriage each one aims to put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own. (You're partners, united in building your life together.)
It's not an exact science, not something to keep track of. How it plays out from day to day will vary.
Is this uncomfortable at times? Yes. Does it communicate that you value the person you married? Yes. Does it reinforce your oneness? Yes.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
2. Major in looking for strengths instead of weaknesses
It's always easier to pick out what's wrong in a person or a situation. Let that go and focus on what's good and right. Affirm those qualities with your honest praise.
The receiver(s) will beam and grow stronger. So will your marriage--and your family.
Promise each other to strike phrases like, "You never," and "You always" from your self-talk and conversations. (And especially from your arguments.)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
3. Safeguard your trust in each other
Being trust-worthy is a gift you give each other and build on by being honest with each other, time after time, always with love and kindness.
What if one of you says or does something hurtful? Forget pride. The one needs to apologize sincerely and the other needs to forgive. Then leave it behind.
Being able to trust the one you're married to glues you together, even during the worst of times and communicates to your children that they can trust their parents.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
4. Give up the idea of 50-50
Forget tracking who did more of what last time and the times before that. This kind of nitpicking kills love.
Struggling to find the "right" percentages seldom pays off. In the strongest marriages, sometimes one gives more and sometimes the other gives more, according to what's needed at the time.
Happy couples know the life they're building together counts more than who "wins."
[Jesus said] "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." Luke 6:31
5. Abandon expectations of how it should be
This sets you up to be disappointed whenever your spouse or your life doesn't meet some idea of "perfect" you heard about or read about.
Harping on little annoyances slowly erodes a marriage relationship. Choose instead to be glad for what is. Talk about that, build on it--and get more of it.
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18
6. Accept that your marriage partner has human frailties, just as you do
For all of us, it's easier to forgive ourselves for our own weaknesses and slip-ups than to forgive our spouse for theirs.
Aim to be at least as objective and charitable toward the one you married as you are with your friends.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
7. Recognize the power of words
Not everything is worth saying.
Hurtful words live on in memory long after bad moods and angry outbursts have passed. So do words of thoughtful praise and love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
8. Appreciate the day you're living now
Instead of thinking "someday" will be better, work on making this day better. A lifetime consists of days, lived out one at a time.
One day at a time you can get through rough spots and scary times together.
Mindset matters. So does what you say about your relationship, whether to each other or to friends or co-workers because this also impacts how you view your marriage and your life.
Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 (New Living Translation)
9. Love is not just an emotion
Real, lasting love is so much more. Every day one decides to keep on loving. That makes love an action word.
We can decide to act in loving ways even when our emotions are lukewarm. Almost always the feeling of love will return soon.
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
10. Pray
Prayer is simply talking to our loving Father from the heart--and knowing He hears us.
My husband and I prayed individually and attended worship services together from the start. We did our best to follow Bible teachings in how we lived and parented our children.
Yet somehow we didn't begin praying aloud together for years. Only then did we realize we had cheated ourselves out of so much because this real, honest sharing helped us understand each other better. It deepened our individual faith as well.
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. Psalm 145:18
Building a strong marriage doesn't happen in a week or two
Even for two people who start out full of love and joy, growing a marriage is the work of a lifetime--and it's worth it!
Take the long view. Some days and some stretches of time will be better than others. That's life. For everyone.
Don't get fixated on what may in reality be little more than a blip in the story of your life together. Stay focused on what matters most.
With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:23
Believe in your marriage
Can love last? Absolutely! Ignore those who deny or ridicule that truth.
Make it your mutual, unshakable resolve to stay worthy of each other's love and to nurture your relationship. Your joy in each other will warm your hearts.
For countless couples, including my husband and me, our shared faith in Jesus made all the difference. (Now you know why I included so many Bible verses.)
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
Blessings, always,
Lenore
