Have you noticed how someone's casual remark sometimes switches your mind into a new--and better--way of thinking?
It happened to me when I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for months. After exchanging the usual pleasantries I asked, "How are things going for you lately?"
She lit up with a big smile and said, "Lately my life has been really, really good."
"Great! Has something changed?"
"Nope. I just learned what makes the difference between being happy and being frustrated. It's simple, really: I lowered my expectations. That made all the difference."
We each had places to rush off to, but our brief conversation replayed in my mind all week, probably because, um, I needed to hear it.
How about you?
Lower my expectations. Could it be that simple?
Ever had a conversation like this at your house?
Me: "Well, I thought you would _____."
My husband: "How was I to know what you expected? You're just disappointed because I didn't live up to your expectations."
He was right, of course. (Sigh.)
I finally admitted to myself that too often I thought I knew how things "should" go. With neighbors, with our children, even with myself.
I don't know about you, but I've never found this eased tensions.
A solid place to start
The more I thought about it, the more I understood how my friend's new attitude could change life for the better:
Expect less and rejoice over what IS, rather than stress over what isn't.
This sounds so basic it made me think well, any fool should be able to do that.
Exactly. That's the point.
Plotting it out
You probably aren't a psychiatrist or a counselor. Neither am I. But I learned some simple changes that made a big difference in all of life.
I found that first I had to lay aside my comfortable, customary habits. Then baby-step by baby-step, I needed to adjust my thinking and reacting. After awhile the new way of thinking felt more natural, more comfortable.
If you wonder how to start, think small. Manageable. Small twists on what you already know and the way you customarily behave.
And always, always, be patient with yourself and with others.
Where to start? You get to choose. Here are some suggestions
- Put aside former notions and just accept each person as they are, rather than thinking "If only ... ." (Look on their differentness as a spice in life, rather than an irritant.)
- Reaffirm what's worthy in people with a bit of praise now and then. (Hint: There's no better way to see more of it.)
- Spend more time looking for what's good than hunting out what isn't. (Get ready to be surprised.)
- Be glad and grateful for what is instead of wishing for what isn't. (Decide to view your glass as half-full, rather than half-empty.)
- Look around at your own four walls with fresh eyes. (Instead of picking out flaws, let yourself breathe in the warmth of the home--the recharging station--you've created.)
- Learn to appreciate small everyday joys. (They're the stuff of daily life.)
- Smile more. (Skin experts tell us this cuts down on wrinkles, too.)
- Begin each day with, "Thank you, Lord, for my life and the people in it." (Watch how this simple practice brightens your day.)
Three universal principles
- We get back what we give out
If we long to hear praise we need to hand it out, too. (This means we open our eyes and actually see the people around us.)
Suppose you want your spouse to be more thoughtful and loving. Exaggerated sighs and nagging seldom pay off. Instead, make it your habit to give out what you want to receive. (Be patient as your new way of mutual giving develops.)
- Be forgiving of flaws
Nobody's perfect, not even you or me. Aren't you glad? If we keep this thought front and center in our minds it smooths over a lot of life's stresses.
- Give up chasing perfectionism and get real
Perhaps you, too, were raised on, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well."
Let it go. It's okay to think that good enough IS good enough. You hereby have my permission to relax. (I'm giving myself the same message.)
Contentment. A synonym for happiness?
The Apostle Paul wrote, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (Philippians 4:11 NIV)
Think about that. Even the Apostle Paul had to learn to be content, so let's not give up on ourselves as we take two steps forward and one step back. Over and over. (Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, isn't it?)
We are, after all, only human. Through God's grace in Jesus Christ we who believe are forgiven sinners, but here on earth we'll remain flawed.
That truth makes it easier to lower our expectations and be glad for what is. Be thankful for the good qualities in your family and the people around you.
After all, don't we want the people we love and the people around us to accept us as we are? So let's be glad and thank God for what is.
Now, can we all breathe a big sigh of relief?
Learning, too,
Lenore
