The other day I couldn't help overhearing a conversation between two women. One statement has haunted me ever since: "So many couples I know have split up! Makes me wonder if it's possible to stay married, much less to be happy."
I wanted to break in and say, "Yes it is!" but I minded my manners and stayed silent.
Here's what I wish I had said to them
After many years of happy marriage my husband and I considered three truths to be essential for a strong marriage.
- Commitment - Make--and keep--each other and your marriage a priority.
A couple's marriage relationship is a living thing that needs regular nourishment to grow strong and healthy. How? Each partner needs to love and value their spouse--and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.
Once in awhile you may hit a dry spell. That's the time to remind yourself what you love about your spouse. Remember how you felt and how you acted when you two were dating? Those emotions are still there, just buried under the minutia of daily living. As the saying goes, "Act the way you want to feel and soon you'll feel the way you act."
(Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. But it works--in all of life.)
For everyone, life is a constant shuffle. Forget the idea of keeping score on who gives the most or who kept up their end of the job list. Seven days a week each one gives and takes and adjusts, always knowing the balance will keep changing--depending on the needs of the moment.
Remember what--and who--counts most. Hang on to that, even in the midst of family chaos and crises.
Be as watchful of what you feed your marriage as of what you feed your dog
Leftover scraps of time and energy may keep your relationship alive, but is that all you want? Here's the second essential:
- Communication - Being honest--and kind--with each other.
"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, usually from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")
It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around, often independently.
No wonder girls and women naturally seem more comfortable talking and opening up. Females usually believe talking helps two people understand each other.
Most of us hold back from letting anyone know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them. Building trust takes awhile, even within a good marriage. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process--and it is easily destroyed.
Be patient--and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.
Last, but really first, last and always
This essential:
- Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.
Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)
To follow his example as marriage partners means we willingly set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.
When each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying. Both partners know that whatever comes, each one can count on the other.
In a strong marriage, each one knows for sure they can count on each other and together, they can handle whatever comes up.
A new way to think
All this becomes easier if right from the beginning we adopt a new mindset. After marriage it's:
- "We," not "I"
- "Us," not "me"
- "Ours," not "mine"
When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.
Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.
Our children--at every age--watch and listen. What they observe greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.
Good advice from the Apostle Paul
As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV
