A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Why Dads Matter All 365 Days of The Year

If we grew up with a father who was present we were blessed  

Nobody is perfect, but if he was there, we felt safe because whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought he could do anything and answer any question we might ask.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliché puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us. Only then did we understand what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. We wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our fathers. (Or mothers.)

We couldn't avoid the only logical conclusion: Most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't--or didn't--we all do the same? 

If not before, now's the time to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else's

Only then will we see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Daddy was there. That made us feel secure because we knew we could count on him. Even if he couldn't be present physically, we knew he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• We knew he loved us. We could see it in his smiles, even if he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. As Theodore  Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad wasn't perfect, but he tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave us what he could.
  
  
• If our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith he set a solid example for us. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear  

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a child because you better understand what it cost him to be your father.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up. Listen to the new lilt in his voice.  

Let him know it matters that he lived. Now, while he can hear it. 

If you've had "issues" with your dad, there is no better time to set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go and forgive mistakes of the past.  

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

It may seem a small thing, but ...

As long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

This sounds like a cliché but take it from me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it is love, just the same.

If you still can, speak your love. Let your love be a gift not reserved for just one day of the year. Give it freely and taste the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Praying you find JOY in your day-to-day,

Lenore   

Parenting Is the Lifelong Personal Growth Opportunity

Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was  looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2.  He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? ... Why do you think that is, Son? ...  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. ... Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little. 

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)  

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't--and vice versa. 

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility   

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.    

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing. 

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8 

Have a happy ... every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How eating together as a family pays lifetime dividends

It's no wonder so many people don't even try to eat together.

Ask busy parents you know and you'll likely hear something like this: "It's too hard to get everyone together--and keep them there. (Sigh.) Our lives are so busy that eating on the run is way easier."

Yet eating together is way more than sitting at a table and consuming food. Sharing a family meal symbolizes what we all long for, a deeper connection with those we love.

Sure, it's quicker to stop for fast food or hit the drive-through. Lots of us eat in our cars. Some of us eat takeout in front of our laptop or TV. In a multitasking life it seems, well, natural. Besides, at the end of a hectic day who wants to cook and clean up? After all, this is 2023.

Look from a different angle. We save time, yes, but we may lose what matters more.

For once, TV models the good stuff

I'm a longtime fan of the long-running hit TV show, "Blue Bloods" and I've always thought the best part of each episode is when their family comes together for Sunday dinner. Some years ago writer David Hitbrand looked into what attracts this show's consistently large audience. Here are a couple of quotes:  

The sentimental majority opinion holds that it's the show's weekly dinner scene, during which four generations of Reagans -- presided over by the patriarch (Len Cariou) -- bicker, spar and celebrate one another.

"That scene is the favorite of so many people," says "Blue Bloods" executive producer, Leonard Goldberg. "Italian people, Jewish people, Greek people -- they all say the same thing: 'That's my family.' "

Perhaps that's because the Reagans do more than eat together

As they prepare the meal and work together, then sit down at their huge dining table, they depict a healthy family in action.

• They do a lot of one-on-one sharing in the kitchen.
• They begin their meals with thanking God for their food and often, for each other.
• They do "celebrate" each other. For any child or adult, there's something really sweet about having another family member praise us in front of the rest.
• They talk and listen to each other with respect, even when they disagree. Younger family members participate, too. Sometimes an adult corrects a youngster or offers a principle to remember.
• They leave the table reminded they are family, they are one.

Families are like branches on a tree. We grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.  --Anon

Building family bonds in our own homes

I know a couple that early on resolved to eat their evening meal together. They had to work around a crazy schedule, but were committed to staying tuned-in to how their children viewed their world. (You may be thinking, Aren't we all?)

Once they had talked it through they kicked off sharing daily "highs" and "lows" over dinner, not at all sure how it would come out. The basic premise was that each family member would name their best and worst points of the day--in as much detail as they liked. Mom and Dad spoke their joys and concerns, too--with discretion.

These normal children sometimes protested and could be moody or quiet. "Some nights they'd say, 'recess' for both their high and their low," the father says with a smile. "We never tried to talk them out of it because they lived their day at school, not us.

"We learned to listen with more sensitive ears and not jump in right away with advice or admonishment. Often it seemed nothing happened, but over time those highs and lows proved a wonderful tool. The proof of that is that when our children grew into adolescence they took over reminding us anytime we forgot to build in highs and lows. Now any time they come home on vacation they insist we get right back into it over dinner. 

"Over the years our conversations became more meaningful and so did our prayers. Without question this daily sharing strengthened the love and closeness within our family."

No skills training needed

Just start--and be patient with yourselves. Aim to gather everyone around for one meal of every day, whichever works best for you. Keep it fancy or plain, serve sandwiches or steak, your choice--and yes, takeout or DoorDash is okay. Whatever works best for your family.

It helps to remember the goal is simply to establish a routine that helps draw your family closer. The resulting sense of connectedness can melt away a lot of strain.

(By the way, it works well for wives and husbands, too.)

Let love be your motivation and count on the love of God to make it grow. It's as the Apostle Paul wrote to his friends:

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.1 Thessalonians 3:12-13  NIV

Or take Mother Teresa to heart: 

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

Blessings to you,

Lenore 

One strategy to deal with the wail, "I am sooo bored!"

Every parent knows the tone of voice that goes along with that refrain.

It's about as thrilling as fingernails dragging across a blackboard. What to do?

Our quartet often gave moving performances that caused me either to stifle my laughter or--after awhile--wish for a quickie way to quiet the mob.

I had none, so out of desperation more than anything, I came up with a standard reply. "You're bored? Oh, that's too bad. Here's what you'll need to clean the bathroom sink(s.) Go make it shine!"

Or, "Here, this broom should be the right size for you to use as you sweep the porch and sidewalks."

Or, "I just heard the clothes dryer signal that the towels are dry. Please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them."

You get the idea. After a day or two of such suggestions nobody complained of being bored. 

I also discovered it boosts incentive to hold out the carrot of a reward when the chores are done. A trip to the park or ice cream treats can prove magical. Or try a family trip to your public library because kids still love being able to choose "their" books or whatever to bring home with them. 

Be sure they see you reading, too. Often.  

Creativity shines with enough free time

At our house we went for creativity more than toys and gadgets, so summer became a time when dreaming up concepts boomed. We always kept raw materials on hand like cardboard boxes of all sizes, assorted papers, crayons, colored pencils, markers, scraps of fabric, Mod Podge, glue, etc.

Trips to craft and discount stores and also yard sales yielded interesting cords and ribbon, pretty gift papers, paints, glitter, wooden boxes and frames, etc. 

Was it messy? Sure. After the first time I proclaimed that our kingdom had a new never-break-it rule. From then on NO doing anything until old newspapers or an old plastic tablecloth or something like that had been put down on the work surface. (Was I ready to help with this? You betcha.)

All this costs almost nothing, but it's a great way for kids to experiment and have fun together.  

Why bother, when cell phones and computers can keep kids occupied for hours?

Technology may be everywhere, but human nature--and kid nature--hasn't changed that much.

Creating still brings more satisfaction than consuming an endless stream of "stuff" on screens, some of it questionable. Besides, people still matter more than things. Don't your favorite family memories feature times when you did nothing much and just enjoyed being together?

This requires free time, which may require planning.

Scheduling each child for some activity every minute of every day eats up free time. Too much time watching TV, being on computers and cell phones does the same. We all need time to "just be."

That's why limiting time on phones and computers and enforcing time limits are important.  (Yes, this inconveniences Mom and Dad, too, because as you no doubt discovered early on, we have to live what we preach or nobody pays attention to our words.)

Note: This will not earn you the title of "Miss Popularity."

Remember who you are

God gave you these children and you are in charge.

Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's also a privilege. You're helping shape the way these young human beings develop and grow.

Even if each child is a bona fide genius, you know better than they what counts most in getting them ready for life as well-rounded individuals. 

As radical as it sounds in our times, research has shown that sometimes sports and various "enrichment" activities are not what each child in your family--or you, for that matter--needs most. They've been created one of a kind, remember?

Give each family member--and yourself--a gift. Look for ways to nurture their individual talents and skills. 

Maybe what each family member needs most is some unprogrammed time to let down. At any age, reading a book or lying under a tree just for the sake of looking up at the sky is not "wasted time."

I promise you the world will not stop.

Being unscheduled is not the same as being bored

Summer offers a defined opportunity to try new things. Later you can decide what comes next. Or doesn't. Think of it as time to refuel and rediscover.

Both your children and you may be surprised to find that in the midst of "nothing happening," a lot of personal growth occurred--and none of you were bored.

For now, go with the rhythm of your days. Be quiet and rest. For right now, just be.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.  Ecclesiastes 4:6  ESV

In quietness and in trust shall be your strength.   Isaiah 30:15  ESV 

Learning, too,

Lenore

Why it helps us to remember what's good and right and true

Sometimes God chooses unlikely ways to remind us we have a lot to be thankful for, doesn't He?

I won't forget the day I learned a lot by eavesdropping on someone else's conversation.

Let me explain.

One morning I stopped a local coffee shop and soon got jolted out of my private little pity party. (It wasn't much fun, anyway.) 

The hostess seated me in a booth close to a table where two men seemed really intent on their conversation.  

One man had a radio-announcer voice that carried, even though he spoke softly. I couldn't help overhearing and once he started talking I didn't want to miss a word. Besides, I wanted to finish my coffee and snack. I grabbed my trusty note pad and jotted down his key points.   

Here's my best recap of his story

"I have one brother, the only family I have left. We've never been close, but we talked by phone once in awhile. We lived a couple hundred miles apart, so we didn't know much about each other's lives, but that was okay with both of us. 

"One day I got a call from a Child Welfare worker in his city. She told me the police arrested my brother and his wife for dealing drugs. They took his three children out of the house and turned them over to Child Welfare.

"The social worker told me my brother's kids would go into foster care unless my wife and I took them. We were their only hope and she wanted an answer by the next day. I was speechless and my wife even more so. We talked and talked and cried and prayed half the night. At last we said Yes, thinking it would be short-term. 

"Not so. Eventually my brother and his wife were convicted of running a drug ring and both got long prison sentences.  

"It's been hard, hard, hard, even though we've talked to our pastor and friends many times and we've had family counseling. My 9-year old nephew adapted pretty well. My 11-year old niece keeps it all inside, but those two both call us Mom and Dad and really, that's what we are. We're the ones who are there and who will be there, and we love them. They all know that, even the 15-year old.

"She still has nightmares. She rebels in just about every way she can dream up, no matter what we do. We're coming to think perhaps what she needs most is beyond our ability, maybe some kind of special mental-health treatment for awhile, to help her heal.  

"We've prayed and tried to pour out love, but we've also failed in a lot of ways. I think I didn't really know much about talking to God before this upheaval in our lives. One thing I know, we wouldn't have made it without God giving us strength, minute-by-minute. Sometimes we've thought we couldn't keep on, but God has brought us this far, so we trust Him for the future.

"Here's the wonderful surprise and extra blessing in all this. We missed seeing it for quite awhile. Then recently we thought back to the early days of our marriage when the doctors told us we never would have children of our own and we were crushed. Now here we are with three kids, two of them doing very well. Now we are at peace. In spite of all the pain, we have joy and we know we did the right thing."

As I rose to leave I glanced at the men and saw they both had tears in their eyes. They matched my own.

A change of heart 

You won't be surprised to hear I walked out with a new perspective on challenges in my life, my heart brimming with thanks and praise.  

• Thanks for that man and his wife who opened their home and their hearts and changed the lives--and the future--of three hurting youngsters. (And their own.)
  
  
• Thanks to God for supplying the love and strength they needed to give of themselves, day by day, and not count the cost.
  
  
• Thanks that they can see the blessings and joy hidden within their daily sacrifices.

That conversation refocused my thinking in how to look at challenges in my life.

Like that couple, let's open our eyes to the joy!  

The Apostle Paul well knew personal suffering but he also knew how to find joy. I love the way he sums up his secret in Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! ... Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers (and sisters) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things . . . And the God of peace will be with you.                                                    (Selected from Phil. 4:4-9 NIV)

"Rejoice!" It's not a suggestion, it's more like a must. An attitude we choose.

"If anything is excellent or praiseworthy ... " Paul is telling us that whatever comes we can search out some bit of excellence or cause for praise. IF we wear that mindset as we look for it rather than getting stuck in our problems and disappointments. IF we remind ourselves that our loving God never leaves us on our own. 

We will find the good, not because we're so great, but because God is faithful to those who trust in Him.

Trusting, too, 

Lenore

A fresh take on "Love your neighbor"

Sometimes a slight twist of our perspective leads to major changes.

That happened to my husband and me the week our entire family went to summer camp on the shore of Lake Michigan.

At the time we lived on and operated a dairy and grain farm, with all the constant responsibility that implies, plus we had four lively children.

Between cows and crops and kids, both of us were running on fumes by July and needed a break.

Needed time.

Needed to find each other again.

Then we heard of a long-established, well-respected Christian family camp. We could drive there from our Illinois farm.

And, oh bliss! Every day would offer age-appropriate programs and daytime activities for kids and teens, all supervised by well-screened youth counselors and leaders.   

 No cooking. No cleaning. No kids during most of the day, with family free time in the evenings. What's not to like?

Heaven on earth, here we come!

We arrived on a Sunday afternoon 

Next morning we escorted our four girls to their age-appropriate activities, signed them in and walked away. They would be safe and have fun for the next 5 or 6 hours. Yippee!

That first day we two decided to "try out" the adult Bible study led by a pastor from the Northwest.    

He started off with something like this. "Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Let's think this through. Who is my closest neighbor?"   

Silence for a moment. 

Then he hooked us with these words. "Answer: Our families. Nobody is a closer neighbor than the people we live with and share a life with. Nobody more deserves to be treated kindly and considerately.

"After all, they're the ones who every day have to deal with us. Us, with our individual quirks and habits." (Laughter.)

Then he launched into lively personal examples. As always, I took notes. 

His first illustration made me squirm 

"Every morning when I'm ready to eat breakfast with my wife, I never know what to expect. Most of the time she's a sweetheart. But sometimes, blame it on PMS, or a dreary day or whatever, she sighs a lot, slams cupboard doors and bangs the dishes around. At our house, that's not a good sign."

(I didn't look at my husband and was glad he didn't give me the elbow.)

"So every morning I have a choice. Will I give back what she is giving out? Or will I, even on those mornings, remember that my call as a Christian is to love her? 

"To love her even when I know I'm in for another tough day at work. Even if I'm not sure whether we can cover all the bills this month.  

"My first call as a Christian husband is to love my wife. Period. And a Christian wife has the same call toward her husband."

You could have heard a pin drop in that packed auditorium 

His simple words shot down every excuse and self-justification I could think of. 

"You may wonder if this principle also applies to us as Christian parents," he said. "In one word: Yes.

"Parenting is hard!" (Applause all around the room.) "For those raising children on their own it's even harder, yet the challenge remains the same: To live out love unconditionally as best they can.  

"My three children often charm me, irritate me, baffle me, embarrass me, disappoint me, bring me to tears. But it doesn't matter. That's all part of rearing these gifts of God. 

"As their dad, my call is to keep on loving them through it all." 

Each day our teacher opened his heart and helped us look deeper into living out our Christian faith and pointed out the many places the Bible says the Holy Spirit is our Helper.

His words were water on our dry, dusty hearts

Our wilted spirits slowly revived and bloomed again. The invisible distance between us melted and our usual oneness returned.

Did my husband and I immediately morph into ideal spouses who never again got impatient with each other? Not likely.

But we gained new understanding and turned a corner in our thinking. The last afternoon we promised each other we would do our best to live out love every day. 

And over the years, we did, sometimes slipping and sliding along the way but hanging on.

Jesus knew we would find this a challenge    

He tells us to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

"AS yourself."

That's the "ouch factor" in those words, isn't it? The one that sets us coming up with "Yeah, buts."

It gets easier when we remember what that study leader at Camp stressed over and over:

"Love" is more than an emotion. To live out love means to do what's loving--and this we control.   

That surprised me then and it still does

Looking at love this way means we needn't first try to dredge up emotion from within ourselves. We don't have to feel loving to demonstrate love. To act in loving ways.

When we simply do what love calls for it's not long before our feelings match our actions.  

But that's the point, isn't it? When Jesus told us to love he did not mean to love when we're in the mood and the rest of the time, forget it.

Let's keep the order straight

Jesus sums it up in Mark 12:30-31:  

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.   

After this comes:  

The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.   

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us.   1 John 4:19  NIV

Along the way, let's be kind to ourselves, too. Sometimes we will fail and need to start over, simply because we're human beings. That's a good time to remind ourselves of this truth: 

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.   Romans 5:8  ESV

Our forgiveness in Christ means we are not condemned when we fall short of loving unconditionally. Instead, we are free to start over and go on, living our faith and growing stronger.

Best of all, we're not left on our own

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.   Romans 15:13   ESV

Let us rejoice and be glad!   

Lenore