A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Be sure you know the source of the labels you wear

Have you ever identified with a fable or an old folk tale and been surprised by a flash of insight into your life? I have. I think this might be one of those.    

The story goes that somehow an eagle's egg got mixed in with the chicken eggs in a nest.

The mama hen seemed not to notice. To her an egg was an egg. Period.

So she sat contentedly on her nest, waiting for THE day her eggs would hatch.  

Finally, the time was right. In short order the chicks pecked their shells open and emerged looking a bit wobbly and confused, as is the way of baby chicks.

So did the fluffy, newly hatched eaglet, who looked around at the only world he knew, the world of chickens. So he walked like a chicken and ate what his chicky siblings ate and minded his own chicky business. 

A grove of nearby trees towered into the skies and a pair of American eagles nested there. The growing eaglet often stopped scratching in the dirt to watch them come and go. He never tired of seeing those big birds circling overhead, their wide wings outstretched. Higher and higher they soared.

The eaglet thought, Oh, what it would be like to fly way up high like that? If only I could! But ... I could never fly like that, not me.  It's like Mama always tells me, "You're just a chicken, so don't even try. Just be happy as you are."

The young eagle tried, really he did, but he knew he didn't fit in, what with his long, gangly legs and that bulky body. He felt he didn't belong in that flock of chickens who spent their days scratching in the dirt. As Mama often said, that's what chickens do, so why wasn't that enough for him? 

That left only one possibility: It had to be his fault.

No wonder he often asked himself, What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like the others and be happy? 

After awhile the young eagle didn't even bother to look up. He gave up wishing for more and lived out his days with the chickens, never knowing he could fly.

What's more, he never even tried. Why bother? After all, his mama always told him he could not fly ....

Here's the point for you and me 

Even when we're unaware of it, we each carry around old labels and messages that still influence how we see ourselves today.

If you doubt that, take a mental inventory. Think back to what your parents or teachers--or siblings--told you about you. Which messages helped you? Which ones do you still try to erase from that nagging sound track in your mind?

See what I mean?

View those memories from a different angle

Find a time to unpack those old messages and look at them with your present perspective. Not many of us grew up with abusive parents or in an extremely dysfunctional family. That makes it likely your parents loved you--at least in their minds.

Why not be kind and assume that what they said to you and how they parented you probably was the best they knew how to do at the time?

Instead of looking for reasons why somebody said this or that, why not let it go?

With that shift in place, you can choose to consider such incidents--whether once in awhile or a pattern--as part of your past but irrelevant to the person you are today.

What if it still hurts and no one seems to care?

First ask yourself if it's possible such things could serve as some sort of comfort, as if with that in place you know who you are.

This may sound illogical, but chew on it for awhile.

Counselors report they spot that frequently. For example, children of alcoholics "see themselves" as powerless to avoid addiction to alcohol. Why? Because that's what they grew up with, so for them, it's "normal."

Substitute whatever dysfunction you may have grown up around and ask yourself if someplace deep inside, you consider that to be your "natural fate."

Then ask yourself what sense it makes to stay stuck in old, dead-end thinking. 

Start where you are and choose the better way  

Those remarks that do not now (and perhaps never did) fit you? Decide to let them go and not dwell on them in the future. As that gets easier, they gradually will fade away. 

Every time they resurface, don your "forgiveness filter" and substitute remembrances that make you smile.  

Now take a fresh look at the adult you are today. Think about your life and the good qualities you know are present within you. Write them down so you can refer to it when old doubts resurface.   

One thing more

Our children, whether our own or those we're around frequently, carry our words with them, too. For life.

News flash: Neither you nor I is perfect.

It's still good advice to "Think before you speak," even--or especially--with those we love.

Although we love our kids and do our best to parent wisely, inevitably, sometimes our words will sting and bother them, whether they're young or well into adulthood.  

Some of us have learned to first ask ourselves, "Will my words bless or burn, now and in the future?"

Good words

Frequently name the good qualities you see in those you love. Let them know you're proud of them. Praying for them. Ready to talk any time.  

Promise yourself that from now on your children will hear only words that bless them every time they recall what you said. Ask God to give you wisdom--and possibly, restraint--to do so.

Does this mean you never can voice an opinion? No. Having a solid foundation of love and mutual respect between you builds trust and loving openness. Just tread softly.

As always, the Bible points out the better way to live

Whether within your family or as an individual, here are three helps for all of us:    

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:13

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:2

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8

In Jesus, in love, it's never too late to make a new start.  

From one still learning, here's to growing in love,

Lenore

What if you could live a Mayberry life for real?

Since nobody can find Mayberry, RFD on a map, why do so many of us long to go there?

Perhaps it's because we ache to live in a place where kindness and goodness look to be a way of life. For everyone. Every day. 

We feel as if we know Sheriff Andy and Opie, Aunt Bee and Barney. They're our kind of people.

Or we wish they were.

Who can forget that whistled theme song? If you do a bit of online research you will find that Andy Griffith (Sheriff Andy) had an outsize influence over every episode. It's true that this show portrayed a simpler life, but it was never sappy.

Always, Andy role-modeled a loving, understanding father to his son, Opie. No wonder that many viewers from troubled families found solace in watching this TV show.

Each of us felt warmed by Aunt Bee's tender care. Observers have noted that many young people who watched the show lacked flesh-and-blood positive role models at home. They found them in Mayberry, which always illustrated a weekly dose of peace and stability. 

That's been true since The Andy Griffith Show ran in the 1960s. It still is, even now. This show remains so popular it's still running--and may continue into the next generation.

Mayberry, RFD presents life as we wish it were

Oh sure, these Mayberry residents are kinda quirky, some more, some less. You might say they're a lot like you and me.

Still, we can tell these are good people because we watch how they talk to each other and treat each other. They have the usual ordinary problems and conflicts everyone has, but in Mayberry they always resolve them--kindly and with respect. Everyone learns a lesson and they remain friends. Smiling friends.

It's as if someone smoothed off the rough edges of daily life in Mayberry.

If we kept a list, it could include qualities like these:

• Family strength and love
• Mutual respect and fairness
• Kindness
• Faithfulness
• Gentleness
• Honesty
• Integrity
• Faith in God

Does this list remind you of anything? 

The Apostle Paul detailed the qualities that grow within us when Jesus lives in our hearts and the Holy Spirit increases our faith.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

That's what we see on display in The Andy Griffith Show and in residents of Mayberry, RFD, a glimpse into an imaginary place where these fruits of the Spirit shine through, in various situations and in all kinds of people. 

Credit Andy Griffith's influence again. When Griffith died in 2012, his widow told CBN, "Andy was a person of incredibly strong Christian faith and was prepared for the day he would be called Home to his Lord."

How do we bring Mayberry into our lives?

Sorry, y'all, but talking with a Southern drawl won't do it. 

It's true that you and I can't change the rest of the world. But we can decide our home will be a haven for our family and friends. A place where each one walks in the door and feels loved. A place where anxious, hurting hearts can find peace in being welcomed and accepted.

Isn't that what we want for ourselves?

This is not the impossible dream. No advance cleanup or home projects needed. We simply start right where we are. We ask Jesus to guide us and to fill our hearts and our home with love. Then we deliberately live out those Christian qualities we see acted out in Mayberry, RFD.

This probably won't feel natural for a lot of us. Smile and remember the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it," then keep going until it does.

And be patient, because a crop of kindness takes awhile to grow. Take it little by little, and with good humor. Laughs always lighten the atmosphere, especially when we're quick to laugh at our own mistakes and failures. (That makes it more likely our children will pick up that quality, too, rather than fall apart when they're not perfect.)

If we stick with it, life in our home will change and our kids won't have to look elsewhere to find grownups to emulate.

Are you ready to try it? 

Picture in your mind the kind of atmosphere you want in your home, as detailed as you want to make it. Write it down if you like, then use that as a checklist. This won't be an overnight change, so keep your patience charger at the ready. 

Start with this:

• Pray. 
  
• Forget past failures and lock in on what's ahead, then go for it.
  
• Attitude counts most. Look for the best in people, expect the best of people--and forgive them when they mess up. (Your children will notice and naturally take on some of that themselves.)
• Let go of tracking who's wrong and who's right. That takes too much time and effort--and winning almost always is a hollow victory. Use that energy to celebrate the wins.
  
• Forgive yourself--and your family--on those days when nothing goes right.
• Pray. Constantly.

Remember,  you're not in this alone

Whatever challenges we face, every believer can say with the Apostle Paul:

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Sorry, Andy Griffith and Aunt Bee won't move in down the street, but if you make small changes in yourself and how you relate to others, you will notice changes in how your life goes. So will your family and friends.

One ordinary day you'll look around and notice something new. As you look around your own small world you see some of the positive qualities you appreciate in what's portrayed by characters who live in Mayberry, RFD.

There's another bonus most of us haven't thought of. You will find what many others have discovered: You don't have to move in order to live in a new, happier place.

Still learning,

Lenore 

Are you still living by old messages?

Sometimes it can be a challenge to know what really drives us.

When good friends get together the conversation can wander into unexpected territory. Roadside bombs may litter the way.  

Like the time a group of us started talking about being parents and occasionally wondering why we do what what we do.

"Honestly, sometimes it's like my mother has taken over my thoughts--and my mouth," said "Kim." "It's as if I don't know if it's me talking or if I'm just a replay of my mom."

"Angie" said, "I know. When I was a kid what I hated most of all were the times my brothers and I would misbehave or maybe, disappoint her. Then my mom would go all cold and silent. 

"I vowed if I ever had children I would never, ever do that! Makes no difference. I love my kids, I really do, but when they act up I can feel myself going all cold and icy. My throat actually closes up. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of prayer to change at all and even so, I still have to watch myself."

Peeling back the layers

"JoJo" said, "I wish I had understood before we married how much my husband is like his workaholic father. I think then at least I would have been prepared, sort of."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about negative messages and patterns that still influenced their lives.

In no time gloom settled over us like a black cloud.  

That's when "Annie" broke through with a bit of sunshine. "Okay, enough! Let's not get stuck on the past and how our parents messed us up. I'll bet we all can remember good things, too.

"Take my parents, for instance. They made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other--and it showed. They laughed a lot and my friends always wanted to come to our house. What sticks with me is the love and the laughter. Am I the only one who thinks her parents did a good job?"

That's all it took to turn the conversation around. Soon every one of us found several ways our parents blessed us--for life.

We leave imprints, too 

From the beginning we all intend to be a good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith in God that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and life is hard. 

For many of us the necessary, non-parenting part of life takes up a lot of our time and energy. We end up too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

We rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people. Inevitably, we fail at that because it's an impossible standard.

All the while our children are growing up. And storing up memories.

What I know now--and wish I'd known in the beginning

The truth can be so obvious we could miss it altogether.

Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, will experience good times and not-so-good times during their years from birth to adulthood. 

What we--and our children--do with that depends on us as individuals. What we--and they--remember also is affected by personality. Who knows but that may play as big a part as what was factual.  

That's not to imply any of us--or our children--are lying.  

The friend who recalled her laughing mother and father said, "Oh, they weren't perfect, but these are the memories I choose to carry with me. My sister was there at the same time, but she doesn't remember those years the same way." 

Raising children is a challenge. It always was

Most kids grow up with little awareness of the pressures and hardships their parents had to deal with. So did we.

You and I look back from who we are and what we know today--and make judgments, fair or unfair. Some of us keep digging to uncover ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us--and then we nurse our pain.

Why would anyone do that? Motivations vary, but for some, it provides a built-in excuse for ... whatever. One example would be if we can blame our parents then obviously, it's not our fault.

This may seem a convenient way out when we fail, but there's a downside: 

Any time I declare myself a victim I also declare I have no power, no control over my life and my circumstances.

Now, really, is that any cause for celebration?

What if? 

What if we laid down whatever burdens drag us down and just live freely in this day? We can, you know.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

Once we are ready to be free of living with old hurts, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos:

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.   Colossians 3:12-13  NIV

We are human, we make mistakes. So did our parents.

You and I survived our parenting, however flawed it may have been. We may even be stronger because of what we had to overcome. 

Instead of stuffing down hurtful memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

(And let's pray our children will do the same for us.)

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

You can change your world with your words

Most of us know the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

When I first read those words on a gift shop plaque I didn't have to ask myself whether the saying was true.

All I had to do was remember. With regret.  

As a young mom, some days I got up in a bad mood--and spread it around. On those mornings, Mama, the Martyr, would prepare a healthy breakfast for her family--and serve it without a word.  

Mama didn't smile, so neither did anyone else.

Our otherwise bouncing, laughing young daughters would eat silently, then escape ASAP, whether to another room or to wait for the school bus. My sweet husband would gulp down his breakfast, then head for the door with a wave instead of grabbing me for a kiss as he usually did.

And I understood why.

Who could blame them?  

Their moods affected me, too, of course. As in every family, our four kids sometimes couldn't stand each other, resulting in a tiresome refrain of, "Mommy, make her leave me alone!" 

Do you think their whining lifted my spirits and made me a happy mama? Nope. 

Over time I figured out some major truths: 

Whatever the cause of my bad mood I didn't have the right to take it out on my husband and kids. Besides, that never changed anything for the better.

In any and every situation, our mindset determines how we feel--and how we act.

As Abraham Lincoln, the world-famous mental health professional, put it: "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." 

Always, our words can lift each other up or tear each other down 

That's true in parenting. True in a marriage. It's true on the job.

If our kids struggle they don't need our analysis of what's wrong. They need our love and encouragement and quiet listening.

When they slip up it's okay to gently stick to our family standards, along with talking over the whys of why we have them. Then comes the next lesson as we hand out appropriate penalties. 

Allowing our children some freedom to make choices--and also allowing them to live with the consequences of their choices--can be painful, but it grows maturity and confidence.

They grow stronger from within.  

What about teenagers?

Teenagers are on their bumpy way to adulthood. Yes, they need truth and common sense about how to handle life, but it's equally important that they hear us speak our faith and confidence in them as individuals.   

It's good to help them learn life skills by letting them cope. (They'll make mistakes.) They crave words like, "I know you can handle this challenge, because I know how strong and determined you are. I believe in you and so does God and we always, always love you, no matter what."

Sometimes teens seem so self-assured we think we as parents are irrelevant.

Not true! Every survey of teenagers says they want their parents' respect and value their parents' opinions more than any of their peers.

When we speak love we give them what they need most. If we doubt that's true, all we have to do is ask ourselves what we want and need.

Widen the circle

Let's not stop there. Our kind words can lift the hearts of people around us, too.

Picture the mom whose kids are acting up in the Food Court at your local mall, the one who looks frazzled and beat. What if you stopped and said to her, "You have a beautiful family. I can see in your eyes how much you love your children."  

What about the co-worker who seems depressed? What better opportunity to point out some instances when they helped you or someone else? Small kindnesses can make a difference in someone's day.

Or suppose you were chairing a women's event at your church. Someone spills punch all over the serving table. You keep smiling as you mop up the mess. Imagine if one woman told you, "Good job! I watched you calmly deal with the crisis moment and you really have a way with people."

Wouldn't you treasure her words?

Kind words are as sweet as cool water to parched lips--and they cost us nothing

If we put on eyes to see and mentally walk in someone else's shoes we'll know what they need to hear.  

The big surprise is that we get back what we give out. If by our words and actions we give out love and kindness, that's what we'll receive in return. It's never too late to begin, even if it feels forced at the beginning. 

This is not new theory. Solomon and the Apostle Paul wrote: 

Worry weighs us down; a cheerful word lifts us up . . . Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

                Proverbs 12:25 (The Message) and Ephesians 4:29  NIV

This is hardest to maintain within our marriages and families, because both are 24/7 and we have no place to hide.

When we blow it--and we will--we lay our failures at the cross of Jesus and begin again.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.    Romans 8:1  ESV

How can we change from within? Where do we start?

And exactly how does that work? I know no better answer than this:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.    2 Corinthians 5:17   ESV

When we trust in Jesus, we have a Helper who walks with us through every day and gives us strength to become the individuals who brighten the world we live in. Because our words lift up the people around us.

And isn't that who we want to be?

Blessings from one who learned to mind her mindset,

Lenore 

Still good advice: "Stir up whatcha got!"

Lately there's been a lot of angst going around

This seems like a good time to pass on a folksy little story that arrived in my Inbox one day. It always speaks pointedly to me. May it speak to you, too.    

Just Another Day

The crusty old-timer slouched into the local coffee shop and settled himself onto the end stool at the counter. Then he winked at the waitress and said, "Gimme a big mug 'a Joe, Dearie."

This lady wasn't taking any guff from anyone. She stood up tall and said, "I am not your Dearie! My name is Daisy."

"My mistake, Miss Daisy. My name's Hector. Now pour me some of your good hot coffee, if 'ya please."

When his steaming cup of Joe arrived, he inhaled deeply and asked, "Got any sugar cubes, Ma'am?

"Yes, sir."

She handed Hector the sugar bowl and he dropped in a cube of sugar.

Then another.

And another. And another.

When he got to seven, Daisy pulled the sugar bowl away and said, "Listen, here, Mister, you don't need more sugar. Just stir up whatcha' got!"

That's wise counsel for living, too

Sometimes we discount what we already have and are, just because we're used to it.

The flood of self-help articles and reports and interviews that never stop all boil down to the same theme: You and I need to be more than we are.

According to these "experts," each with a favorite theory, you and I can achieve "more-ness" with (fill in the blank.) So we can grow. And stretch. And explore new horizons.

It's exhausting.

Learning and growing are good things, but most of these spokespeople proceed as if every human being is an exact copy of every other human being.   

For Christians, that theory is pure bunk. The Bible tells us God creates every human being. Not with some sort of divine 3-D Printer, but with infinite care and his personal involvement. 

Ponder this verse, Psalm 139:13, and think as you read it. 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.    ESV

Each of us is one-of-a-kind

Even identical twins have their own individual fingerprints and personalities. You and I are not exactly like our siblings. Neither are our children, even when they all are the same gender.   

Not one of us is "missing" some essential part of ourselves.  

Can we grow and learn to understand ourselves better? Of course. Sometimes that happens as we live out our lives. Sometimes we may need to talk with our pastor or with a licensed counselor.

It's an imperfect world and none of us is perfect. It's a big step to acknowledge our weaknesses to ourselves. Be sure you don't overlook your individual strengths. Rather, give thanks for them.  

The Bible tells us God equips each one of us to handle whatever He asks of us. That means each of us has what we need to live the lives He gives us. Remember, our lives are not over until our last earthly breath, so none of knows exactly what qualities we may need.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.   Ephesians 2:10  ESV

Keep tabs on what's already present--in your life, in your marriage and in your family

It is God who gives us our abilities and talents--and for a reason we may not yet understand. 

Are there struggles even in strong marriages and families? Yes, for every one of us. Single or married, at any age, life is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Being a mom--or a dad--is hard.

If we expect perfect here on earth then our days may seem like too much to cope with. We just want it to stop.

That's dangerous thinking because we may spend our days in wistful longings and daydreams of better times and perhaps, "more perfect" people.  

Once again the Bible shows us the better way to deal with difficulties:

Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.   James 1:1   ESV

Build on what you already have 

For example, if you're married and feeling ho-hum, why not try a bit of do-it-yourself effort?

Agree to make time for each other, just as deliberately as you make time for other appointments. 

Choose a weekend or other time when neither of you has to report in for work. Then farm out your kids for a night or a weekend. Kidnap your husband--or wife--and head to a nearby hotel or motel. Live on room service (or McDonald's if money is tight) and each other's undivided attention.

(The same strategy works if you simply stay home in your own house. It's just harder to shut out all the chores that need catching up on.)

Often, a short time of concentrating on each other is all that's needed for a couple to rediscover their love, which can get covered up with job and kids and the "stuff" of everyday life. 

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us . . . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 John 4:19; 1 Peter 4:8   ESV 

Get reacquainted with your children and get to know them now

Whatever their ages, take off your I-need-to-parent-you eyes. Instead, look--really look--at each child with eyes of love.  

Think about their individual personality qualities: who they are. Notice how funny and unique each one is. Find ways to reinforce their positive qualities, maybe a note or a card or just saying you value those qualities.  

Make time to be one-on-one with each child, so you can concentrate on each one. Being together strengthens family bonds--between parent and child and also between siblings.

As your children grow up, increasingly respect their right to have their own lives. (We wanted that for ourselves, didn't we? And don't we?)

As you would that others would do to you, do so to them.  Luke 6:31  ESV

Share more than food at mealtime 

Eating together every day strengthens relationships within a family. All the research shows that especially with children and teens, this increases their own strength and inner security.

Mealtimes offer a built-in opportunity to connect. One powerful--and popular tool is to do Highs and Lows. Go around the table and each one shares from their day--while everyone else listens. (Make it okay to say "Pass" and remain silent.)

Each one can tell about their cares and issues to each other. Nothing formal, just each one sharing their days with each other and staying tuned-in. Lastly, parents and/or children pray and speak a blessing.

Stick with it and watch each one become more comfortable opening up to each other. A way to live out faith together.  

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Romans 12:15   ESV

Let's get personal

Every so often take a closer look. Start by writing down at least ten good things about your life. Ten things, small things, "ordinary" things.   

Then list what's good about you. And your husband. And your kids. Once again, this is not about achievements or "big stuff."

Keep your lists handy. Reread them when you're feeling uncertain or questioning the "whys" in your life. Or on those days when life feels meaningless. Even if you're not in the mood when you start, as you thank God for the gifts and blessings already yours, your heart will feel lighter. 

Consider this one of the ways to "Stir up what you got!"

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:6-7   NKJV

Still learning, always,

Lenore