A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What does it take to be a good dad?

The definition keeps changing

Not so long ago a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck passed the test. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Maybe Dad attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. It was okay if he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work."

Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you work so hard. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times any Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family. 

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then vs. now

Moms today typically expect Dad to be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children? 

When life gets in the way and he can't--or she can't--the parent who feels stuck with filling in might say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time Mom and Dad see each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like,  "What about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage would say this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both lose.

Who's on first?

A wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice early on. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once you're back to the two of you."  

Always, the prime goal is maintaining your closeness as a couple, a team.

Even though you love your children with all your hearts, let them come in second unless it's an emergency or some kind of threatening situation. 

Why would loving parents do that? 

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We are all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Author Patsy Clairmont says our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So let's cut each other some slack. Let's be quick to forgive and accept each other. And our sons and daughters, too.

That's every dad and mom's most effective way to model for their children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Your day-after-day example of love and mutual forgiveness will benefit your kids all their lives.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

What if Father's Day dredges up old hurts? 

Many adults still ache to hear their father say, "I love you."    

Why so silent? Generations of men believed providing for their wife and children demonstrated their love loud and plainly, so what more could anyone ask of them?  

Factor in this basic, sad truth. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

If you're still hurting, healing is possible.  

There's only one requirement. It means being willing to lay down that battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. 

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

Life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Then we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Here's the Good News. We don't have to generate that love on our own.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Nor one parenting style, either.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's your standard for parenting, no worries. Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom" in the memories of your children because they'll remember the love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Peace and joy!

Lenore

How moms plant seeds of greatness

That sounds too grandiose, doesn't it? We feel like saying, "Oh come on, get real."  

We remember all the times we shush our children or lose control and start yelling.

All the times we fail to be the kind of mother we once assumed we would be. Could be.

Now we know better.

Face it: Being a mom is hard

New babies are so adorable we can't imagine we could ever run out of patience.

Ever run out of love.

But we do, sometimes. Almost. Like in the beginning before our newborn finally, finally, starts sleeping all night. 

To admit that thought, even to ourselves, scares us and we pray for forgiveness, then resolve to do better. Any mom who's honest with herself understands.  

If you feel that way, too, put your feet up and relax. You're among friends.  

A mother's influence  

Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother." 

What mom wouldn't want to be remembered that way?

Every mom I've ever known would say, "Sorry, that title does not fit me!"

Or me. But we can show love and speak love and ask God to enable and guide us. 

The simple prayer of a mom who longs to rear her children rightly touches the heart of God, even if all she can manage is, "Help me, Lord!"

Trust me, you won't sprout angel wings

You'll disappoint yourself, over and over, but God is faithful. Just ask. Little by little you'll find your love and patience somehow expand.  

You'll develop courage, too, so you can stick to your family standards without apology, simply because you know they're right for your children and your family.

Here's the starting place:

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has not one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."  --John 15:12-13  ESV

That covers it all. Think how life in your home would change if each family member tried to live out those words of Jesus. 

Is it easy? No

In so many ways moms and dads continually lay down their lives every day.

Children take over our lives. Take up what we used to call "free time." Occupy our thoughts, continually. Consume family income. And on and on.

Yet most parents would not trade even one child for all the gold in Dubai.

When we pray, God will enable us to live out love more selflessly, which transforms our days from the daily grind to the daily gladness.

Don't get me wrong. I did not cheer at the constant cooking and laundry and all the rest. I'm not sure anyone ever has.

But every day becomes worthwhile when what we do flows out of love. That includes the day you have kids barfing upstairs and a puppy with the runs downstairs and then the dishwasher dies.

You stay because your purpose is more lasting than the pleasure of escaping to Starbucks.

Now about those seeds of greatness . . . 

President Lincoln grew up in a log cabin. He had none of what we label "advantages," except the one that matters most: He was loved and he knew it.

Jeff Oppenheimer, author of a historical novel about Lincoln, That Nation Might Live, put it this way:

“She (his stepmother, Sarah) recognized a boy of tremendous talent and saw the diamond when virtually everyone else around this gangly, awkward boy saw the rough. That's what mothers do.”

Her attitude toward her son cost nothing, but it changed Abraham Lincoln's life. When a mom looks past problems and "sees the diamond" in her child it can't help but be a blessing.   

How? Strive for loving acceptance instead of lavish praise.

Offer your kids what counts most: Quiet confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish if they work for it, plus a solid reliance on God.

That provides a solid base that allows children to become the individuals God created them to be.

It's never too late

This is true no matter how many birthdays our kids have celebrated. They still want to hear our love and encouragement.  

If you doubt that, consider how it would warm your heart to hear one or both of your parents say to you, "Well done! I'm proud of you."

Me, too. It's as the Apostle Paul closed his beautiful 1 Corinthians 13:

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Want to plant seeds of greatness? Begin and end with love.

Still learning, 

Lenore  

How to celebrate and be thankful even when life disappoints us

Did you ever have a chance encounter that changed your perspective?  

I did, the day I took the last stool at a lunch counter and ended up next to a stranger. Our polite small talk turned to Thanksgiving, which was the next week.  

"I guess I grew up poor, but I never knew it," she said.    

"One year Dad was out of work at Thanksgiving. Mom told us she was sick of fixing turkey every year and announced our First Annual Rice and Beans Festival, complete with paper hats. First we said grace, then we went around the table and each one named our blessings. Then Dad passed out the serving bowls of rice and beans, fixed all kinds of ways. As he did, he solemnly proclaimed the made-up fanciful names of each bowl. We stuffed ourselves. 

"Afterward we threw bean bags at a target my brother made until we were laughed out and collapsed on the floor. Mom was ready and waiting with a jar of beans and had us guess how many beans were in it. The winner got first pick at a plate of Mom's yummy homemade fudge.    

"I was in high school before I realized we were poor and lived in a bad neighborhood.   

"As a kid, my truth was that we must be the richest family in our neighborhood. Otherwise, how come my mom and dad found such joy in everyday stuff? 

"They loved each other and us--and showed it with words and hugs.  Sunday nights were Must-Be-Home nights. We'd make popcorn and then sit around playing games or watching some sitcom together. Sometimes we made up games and we always tried to outdo each other, so it could get pretty outlandish. .

"I remember a few times we had a snowstorm and the power was out. My folks said, 'Let's celebrate!' Mom made peanut butter sandwiches and  Dad would spread an old blanket on the floor. If it was night we had candles. We'd sit in a circle, eating, then sing silly songs and tell scary stories.  

"The thing is, my parents knew how to make the most of every little thing, from the first dandelion to the first front tooth that fell out. We laughed and had fun, even when all we had to eat was beef broth with a few potatoes thrown in and some stale bread to soak up the juices.

"Now I know we celebrated life itself--and being together. 

"It's strange, but my husband and I have a lot more stuff than my parents did and we never celebrate any of it. Neither do our kids. The crazy thing is I would trade this lifestyle for that one in a heartbeat."

So here we are, you and I, at another Thanksgiving

Some of us don't feel much like celebrating right now. 

Some of us are hurting. Grieving. Anxious. Worried about money. Worried about our Country. Wondering what comes next.

Maybe it's time to revisit that first Thanksgiving.  

True, the Pilgrims finally could relax a bit because they had food stored away for the coming winter. Together they had survived their first arduous year in the New World.  

But let's not overlook the stark truth. The Mayflower left Britain with 110 passengers and crew. Now less than 50 survived. Only three families remained intact, so their rejoicing was tinged with grief.

Those long-ago Pilgrims speak to us today

Instead of getting stuck in mourning what was lost, they turned their eyes to what remained--and thanked God. 

Suppose we, too, add up what's good and right and meaningful in our own lives.

Suppose we leave our accumulated pain and unanswered questions with the Lord and thank Him for His presence with us. 

What if we, like them, simply trust our future to God and celebrate what is?

That's what the woman in the diner was talking about

Her parents looked past what was missing in their life and cheered the present moment. Truth is, that's the only moment we really have.

Always, what we see depends on where we look and what we believe in.  

Here's the place to look--in any situation:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication in thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.   Philippians 4:6-7   

And here's a Bible verse that fits Thanksgiving--and every day:  

Give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good, his love endures forever.   Psalm 107:1

Thanks-LIVING. Now, there's something worth striving for. Always, it's about the Giver, not just the gifts.

For now I wish you JOY...every day.

Still learning,

Lenore

 

Thoughts about dads and kids and life that reach beyond Father's Day

I hope you can remember feeling safe when you placed your hand in the hand of your big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliche puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. (Gulp!) Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our own fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Most of all, Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure.Even if he couldn't be present physically, he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• All us kids knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• Our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith. He set the example for our family. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a small child because you understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him see it matters that he lived. Now, while he's here.

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

Perhaps it seems a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliche, but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his big, strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore

   

Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad." 

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now 

God gave you each child--and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk. 

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome--and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience--and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers. 

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant? 

Probably not.  

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

• Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

• Even if it's not your style, take charge--while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)
  
  
• When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" --unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.
   
• Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. --Proverbs 15:1
  
  
• Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)
  
  
• Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.) 
  
  
• Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)
  
  
• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child--the character traits that drive you crazy now--can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother--or father--for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength.                                                                        --Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.  

With love,

Lenore