A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Thoughts about dads and kids and life that reach beyond Father's Day

I hope you can remember feeling safe when you placed your hand in the hand of your big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliche puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. (Gulp!) Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our own fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Most of all, Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure.Even if he couldn't be present physically, he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• All us kids knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• Our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith. He set the example for our family. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a small child because you understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him see it matters that he lived. Now, while he's here.

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

Perhaps it seems a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliche, but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his big, strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore

   

Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad." 

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now 

God gave you each child--and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk. 

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome--and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience--and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers. 

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant? 

Probably not.  

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

• Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

• Even if it's not your style, take charge--while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)
  
  
• When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" --unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.
   
• Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. --Proverbs 15:1
  
  
• Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)
  
  
• Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.) 
  
  
• Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)
  
  
• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child--the character traits that drive you crazy now--can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother--or father--for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength.                                                                        --Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.  

With love,

Lenore

The standards for living that matter most

It took me too long to realize I was holding myself to standards that weren't my own. 

It traced back to childhood, when grownups in my life had a favorite line, always delivered in you-need-to-remember-this tones: 

"Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

I took it seriously. Too seriously. That saying caused me to act, well, a bit irrational at times.

I say "irrational" because I never qualified for the title of Neat Freak. Like most mothers of several kids (we have four) it took all I had to sort of keep up with things.  

Yet when I cleaned, by George, I cleaned.

Did anyone care? Did anyone even notice those sparkling corners?

Nope. I can't remember a single time when family members--or a guest--walked in and said, "Your place is immaculate! You are amazing!"

That's life 

Once I became a wife and then a mom I discovered the people I loved mostly took me for granted. I hated it, of course. I remember a few choice "discussions" my husband and I had about that very thing.

I forgot to look at the other side, the good side. Later, I came to understand that in a marriage, within a family, taking each other for granted usually means we feel secure with each other. We should be celebrating, shouldn't we?

Such ease with each other becomes dangerous only if we forget to be grateful for what each one says and does to show love and make life happier for the other(s.)

(Never for a minute think I'm saying we forget about saying, "please" and "thank you" to each other.) 

The question to be asking ourselves is, "How am I showing my love?"

Relax, there are no "right" answers. Each marriage and each family is unique because God created people to be one-of-a-kind. What matters is that we demonstrate our love and contribute to our marriage in our own way. Plants require regular care and feeding. So do marriages.

And--just as important--we need to see and hear each one as an individual.

A family is like a chemical formula. Each family member is an essential element. They won't know that unless we say so. Often. 

Love=Accepting and applauding individuality 

To appreciate another's differentness may call on us to stretch our understanding.

Husbands and wives, well, you know the cliche: We marry our opposites. Marriage naturally allows us everyday opportunities to observe "the other" up close and personal. We need to look for strengths. Life together as marriage partners requires us to let each other grow as individuals, too.

As parents it's not long before we realize each child is an individual. Understanding them and being glad for who they are can be a challenge that goes on for years.

For example, a dad I know is built like a linebacker and exudes physical strength. His young son digs ballet. Think maybe that dad felt out of his comfort zone as he watched his son dance? Even so, he did it and came to see the beauty of ballet.

The mom who fought to achieve in her career discovers her daughter who excelled in math and science cares nothing at all for a college education and just wants to "find her own way." 

For all of us, maintaining a loving marriage and rearing our children takes all we have--and more--because every human being keeps growing and changing over a lifetime. 

That's why it's so worthwhile to pray for eyes that truly see and ears that truly hear each other.  

The heart connection

However we contribute to keep our marriage or family thriving, what matters most is that we give with our whole heart.

And with good cheer. Grudging gifts and gestures of love benefit no one and don't look or feel much like love.

Let's concentrate on what strengthens our family, what matters most for life and what feeds our spirit. Now, that's worth doing--and doing it well. (Trust me, whether every corner of your home sparkles is irrelevant.)

If we're to sum up what matters most in a word, it's this: Love. Do that well and all the rest will come together.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect harmony.   --Colossians 3:14  NIV

Still learning,

Lenore

How did Albert Einstein teach us about human potential?

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but I like this Einstein quote:  

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

I laughed the first time I read those words, but then their logic hit me. 

I think Einstein was talking about more than fish. About people. You and me.

Think about it, don't we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they're capable of?

Even people we love?

I thought of that quote when I heard a radio profile celebrating the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist. You've heard his music if you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies. 

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned supreme and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Although he was musically gifted, Frank dropped out of New York's City College after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

As you might guess, this did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Perhaps it's not surprising that Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, hardly worthy of being called "music." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

That left Frank Loesser, famous and beloved for years by performers and audiences all over America, feeling he never measured up to his family's standards.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

The better way is to look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. It's good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind--and isn't that a wonderful thing? It's as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   -- NIV

We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our expectations. 

This quietly eats away at relationships, whether it's husband and wife, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. 

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Still learning,

Lenore

 

11 Reasons to Bring Your Kids to Church

Okay, I get it. Your mom made you go to church and you vowed you would never do that to your children.

Maybe it's time for new thinking in case you're cheating them--and yourself--by staying away.

Here are some considerations you may not have thought of.  

1. Where else can kids be surrounded by grownups of all ages who smile on them and love them even when they don't know their names?
   
   
2. Where else does a "holy terror" kid get loved, time after time, even when said HTK can't sit still, can't be quiet and won't stop pestering whoever sits next to him?
   
   
3. Where else do young children and adolescents interact with older adults--other than their parents--instead of just observing them from a distance?
   
   
4. Where else do youngsters carry on real conversations with adults--listening adults--who aren't relatives or friends of their parents? 
   
   
5. Where else in today's world do kids get a front row seat to watch and learn that it takes all kinds of people, each one playing their part, to keep things going?
   
   
6. Where else do children learn grownup songs and get to sing alongside adults? And how often would those adults around them smile benevolently, even when a child sings off-key or messes up the words?
   
   
7. Where else can you feel you already know a lot about the values and home life of another child's parents even before you've spent time with the family?
   
   
8. Where else will the clear difference between right and wrong be reinforced to your kids?
   
   
9. Where else will they learn "Love your neighbor as yourself," and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and all the rest? (These truths sink deep and become a personal code far more reliable than personal feelings,)
   
   
10. Where else will your kids learn that Jesus came to set things right between God and us humans? That's why he lived and died and rose again--for all of us. 
    
    
11. In what other setting--besides at home--are your children likely to be reassured over and over again that Jesus loves them and watches over them and is with them every moment of every day and night?
    

It's not "Go to church and do your duty," but rather, "Why cheat yourself and your kids out of the blessing and joy?"

Bringing your kids to church is important because what really counts with a child is, "Does this really matter to Mom or Dad? Or is it just something I'm supposed to do?"

Bringing your kids to church is not just so they can hear the pastor's sermon and/or the children's message or go to Sunday School.

Being part of a family of faith reinforces what you as a family stand for. It's about support and encouragement--for both your children and you as their parents. 

If you're a mom or dad, your fellow churchgoers are like your backup team.

Think about it. A church family is just that: Family

You may live a thousand miles from relatives, but if you're part of a local body of believers, you're plunked right down in the middle of family.

Family related by faith, not blood, who will be there when you need them.

Folks who see you talking to a friend and spot your toddler running across the parking lot, then immediately race after the junior adventurer and deliver your little one safely back to you.

Individuals whom it's safe to talk to, who will care that you're running on fumes and feeling overwhelmed. 

It only takes one to hug you and remind you, "Take heart, it's not the end of the story yet. God will get you through this. I know that's true and here's how. ..." 

It's been this way since Jesus started it

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."   --John 13:34-35

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  --Galatians 6:2

Look for a church that's Jesus-centered and Bible-centered, where the pastor and people are real, that is, authentic.

Then go with an open mind and be as friendly as you would be if taking part in any kind of new activity. Consider it another way to give your kids--and yourself--a solid base for living and to make new friends. Count on it as a place to grow.

• Why bring your kids to church? Because you love them.
  
  
• Why go to church? Because you love yourself.

Still growing,

Lenore