A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How parents influence their children--for life

Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.

We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.

Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."

"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!

"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.

"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.

What about social media?

Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people--and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.

Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.

What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?

Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.  

Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.

Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.

Even if another one "drives you crazy."

What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual. 

As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.

Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

Drawing strength whenever we need it

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are--and who you are: 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.   Psalm 139:13-14  NIV

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10  NIV

Program your mind for your life now 

Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.

Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.

Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

What does it take to be a good dad?

The definition keeps changing

Not so long ago a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck passed the test. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Maybe Dad attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. It was okay if he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work."

Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you work so hard. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times any Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family. 

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then vs. now

Moms today typically expect Dad to be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children? 

When life gets in the way and he can't--or she can't--the parent who feels stuck with filling in might say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time Mom and Dad see each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like,  "What about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage would say this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both lose.

Who's on first?

A wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice early on. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once you're back to the two of you."  

Always, the prime goal is maintaining your closeness as a couple, a team.

Even though you love your children with all your hearts, let them come in second unless it's an emergency or some kind of threatening situation. 

Why would loving parents do that? 

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We are all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Author Patsy Clairmont says our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So let's cut each other some slack. Let's be quick to forgive and accept each other. And our sons and daughters, too.

That's every dad and mom's most effective way to model for their children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Your day-after-day example of love and mutual forgiveness will benefit your kids all their lives.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

What if Father's Day dredges up old hurts? 

Many adults still ache to hear their father say, "I love you."    

Why so silent? Generations of men believed providing for their wife and children demonstrated their love loud and plainly, so what more could anyone ask of them?  

Factor in this basic, sad truth. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

If you're still hurting, healing is possible.  

There's only one requirement. It means being willing to lay down that battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. 

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

Life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Then we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Here's the Good News. We don't have to generate that love on our own.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Nor one parenting style, either.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's your standard for parenting, no worries. Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom" in the memories of your children because they'll remember the love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Peace and joy!

Lenore

How moms plant seeds of greatness

That sounds too grandiose, doesn't it? We feel like saying, "Oh come on, get real."  

We remember all the times we shush our children or lose control and start yelling.

All the times we fail to be the kind of mother we once assumed we would be. Could be.

Now we know better.

Face it: Being a mom is hard

New babies are so adorable we can't imagine we could ever run out of patience.

Ever run out of love.

But we do, sometimes. Almost. Like in the beginning before our newborn finally, finally, starts sleeping all night. 

To admit that thought, even to ourselves, scares us and we pray for forgiveness, then resolve to do better. Any mom who's honest with herself understands.  

If you feel that way, too, put your feet up and relax. You're among friends.  

A mother's influence  

Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother." 

What mom wouldn't want to be remembered that way?

Every mom I've ever known would say, "Sorry, that title does not fit me!"

Or me. But we can show love and speak love and ask God to enable and guide us. 

The simple prayer of a mom who longs to rear her children rightly touches the heart of God, even if all she can manage is, "Help me, Lord!"

Trust me, you won't sprout angel wings

You'll disappoint yourself, over and over, but God is faithful. Just ask. Little by little you'll find your love and patience somehow expand.  

You'll develop courage, too, so you can stick to your family standards without apology, simply because you know they're right for your children and your family.

Here's the starting place:

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has not one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."  --John 15:12-13  ESV

That covers it all. Think how life in your home would change if each family member tried to live out those words of Jesus. 

Is it easy? No

In so many ways moms and dads continually lay down their lives every day.

Children take over our lives. Take up what we used to call "free time." Occupy our thoughts, continually. Consume family income. And on and on.

Yet most parents would not trade even one child for all the gold in Dubai.

When we pray, God will enable us to live out love more selflessly, which transforms our days from the daily grind to the daily gladness.

Don't get me wrong. I did not cheer at the constant cooking and laundry and all the rest. I'm not sure anyone ever has.

But every day becomes worthwhile when what we do flows out of love. That includes the day you have kids barfing upstairs and a puppy with the runs downstairs and then the dishwasher dies.

You stay because your purpose is more lasting than the pleasure of escaping to Starbucks.

Now about those seeds of greatness . . . 

President Lincoln grew up in a log cabin. He had none of what we label "advantages," except the one that matters most: He was loved and he knew it.

Jeff Oppenheimer, author of a historical novel about Lincoln, That Nation Might Live, put it this way:

“She (his stepmother, Sarah) recognized a boy of tremendous talent and saw the diamond when virtually everyone else around this gangly, awkward boy saw the rough. That's what mothers do.”

Her attitude toward her son cost nothing, but it changed Abraham Lincoln's life. When a mom looks past problems and "sees the diamond" in her child it can't help but be a blessing.   

How? Strive for loving acceptance instead of lavish praise.

Offer your kids what counts most: Quiet confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish if they work for it, plus a solid reliance on God.

That provides a solid base that allows children to become the individuals God created them to be.

It's never too late

This is true no matter how many birthdays our kids have celebrated. They still want to hear our love and encouragement.  

If you doubt that, consider how it would warm your heart to hear one or both of your parents say to you, "Well done! I'm proud of you."

Me, too. It's as the Apostle Paul closed his beautiful 1 Corinthians 13:

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Want to plant seeds of greatness? Begin and end with love.

Still learning, 

Lenore  

How to celebrate and be thankful even when life disappoints us

Did you ever have a chance encounter that changed your perspective?  

I did, the day I took the last stool at a lunch counter and ended up next to a stranger. Our polite small talk turned to Thanksgiving, which was the next week.  

"I guess I grew up poor, but I never knew it," she said.    

"One year Dad was out of work at Thanksgiving. Mom told us she was sick of fixing turkey every year and announced our First Annual Rice and Beans Festival, complete with paper hats. First we said grace, then we went around the table and each one named our blessings. Then Dad passed out the serving bowls of rice and beans, fixed all kinds of ways. As he did, he solemnly proclaimed the made-up fanciful names of each bowl. We stuffed ourselves. 

"Afterward we threw bean bags at a target my brother made until we were laughed out and collapsed on the floor. Mom was ready and waiting with a jar of beans and had us guess how many beans were in it. The winner got first pick at a plate of Mom's yummy homemade fudge.    

"I was in high school before I realized we were poor and lived in a bad neighborhood.   

"As a kid, my truth was that we must be the richest family in our neighborhood. Otherwise, how come my mom and dad found such joy in everyday stuff? 

"They loved each other and us--and showed it with words and hugs.  Sunday nights were Must-Be-Home nights. We'd make popcorn and then sit around playing games or watching some sitcom together. Sometimes we made up games and we always tried to outdo each other, so it could get pretty outlandish. .

"I remember a few times we had a snowstorm and the power was out. My folks said, 'Let's celebrate!' Mom made peanut butter sandwiches and  Dad would spread an old blanket on the floor. If it was night we had candles. We'd sit in a circle, eating, then sing silly songs and tell scary stories.  

"The thing is, my parents knew how to make the most of every little thing, from the first dandelion to the first front tooth that fell out. We laughed and had fun, even when all we had to eat was beef broth with a few potatoes thrown in and some stale bread to soak up the juices.

"Now I know we celebrated life itself--and being together. 

"It's strange, but my husband and I have a lot more stuff than my parents did and we never celebrate any of it. Neither do our kids. The crazy thing is I would trade this lifestyle for that one in a heartbeat."

So here we are, you and I, at another Thanksgiving

Some of us don't feel much like celebrating right now. 

Some of us are hurting. Grieving. Anxious. Worried about money. Worried about our Country. Wondering what comes next.

Maybe it's time to revisit that first Thanksgiving.  

True, the Pilgrims finally could relax a bit because they had food stored away for the coming winter. Together they had survived their first arduous year in the New World.  

But let's not overlook the stark truth. The Mayflower left Britain with 110 passengers and crew. Now less than 50 survived. Only three families remained intact, so their rejoicing was tinged with grief.

Those long-ago Pilgrims speak to us today

Instead of getting stuck in mourning what was lost, they turned their eyes to what remained--and thanked God. 

Suppose we, too, add up what's good and right and meaningful in our own lives.

Suppose we leave our accumulated pain and unanswered questions with the Lord and thank Him for His presence with us. 

What if we, like them, simply trust our future to God and celebrate what is?

That's what the woman in the diner was talking about

Her parents looked past what was missing in their life and cheered the present moment. Truth is, that's the only moment we really have.

Always, what we see depends on where we look and what we believe in.  

Here's the place to look--in any situation:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication in thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.   Philippians 4:6-7   

And here's a Bible verse that fits Thanksgiving--and every day:  

Give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good, his love endures forever.   Psalm 107:1

Thanks-LIVING. Now, there's something worth striving for. Always, it's about the Giver, not just the gifts.

For now I wish you JOY...every day.

Still learning,

Lenore

 

Thoughts about dads and kids and life that reach beyond Father's Day

I hope you can remember feeling safe when you placed your hand in the hand of your big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliche puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. (Gulp!) Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our own fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Most of all, Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure.Even if he couldn't be present physically, he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• All us kids knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• Our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith. He set the example for our family. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a small child because you understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him see it matters that he lived. Now, while he's here.

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

Perhaps it seems a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliche, but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his big, strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore