A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How did Albert Einstein teach us about human potential?

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but I like this Einstein quote:  

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

I laughed the first time I read those words, but then their logic hit me. 

I think Einstein was talking about more than fish. About people. You and me.

Think about it, don't we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they're capable of?

Even people we love?

I thought of that quote when I heard a radio profile celebrating the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist. You've heard his music if you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies. 

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned supreme and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Although he was musically gifted, Frank dropped out of New York's City College after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

As you might guess, this did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Perhaps it's not surprising that Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, hardly worthy of being called "music." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

That left Frank Loesser, famous and beloved for years by performers and audiences all over America, feeling he never measured up to his family's standards.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

The better way is to look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. It's good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind--and isn't that a wonderful thing? It's as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   -- NIV

We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our expectations. 

This quietly eats away at relationships, whether it's husband and wife, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. 

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Still learning,

Lenore

 

11 Reasons to Bring Your Kids to Church

Okay, I get it. Your mom made you go to church and you vowed you would never do that to your children.

Maybe it's time for new thinking in case you're cheating them--and yourself--by staying away.

Here are some considerations you may not have thought of.  

1. Where else can kids be surrounded by grownups of all ages who smile on them and love them even when they don't know their names?
   
   
2. Where else does a "holy terror" kid get loved, time after time, even when said HTK can't sit still, can't be quiet and won't stop pestering whoever sits next to him?
   
   
3. Where else do young children and adolescents interact with older adults--other than their parents--instead of just observing them from a distance?
   
   
4. Where else do youngsters carry on real conversations with adults--listening adults--who aren't relatives or friends of their parents? 
   
   
5. Where else in today's world do kids get a front row seat to watch and learn that it takes all kinds of people, each one playing their part, to keep things going?
   
   
6. Where else do children learn grownup songs and get to sing alongside adults? And how often would those adults around them smile benevolently, even when a child sings off-key or messes up the words?
   
   
7. Where else can you feel you already know a lot about the values and home life of another child's parents even before you've spent time with the family?
   
   
8. Where else will the clear difference between right and wrong be reinforced to your kids?
   
   
9. Where else will they learn "Love your neighbor as yourself," and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and all the rest? (These truths sink deep and become a personal code far more reliable than personal feelings,)
   
   
10. Where else will your kids learn that Jesus came to set things right between God and us humans? That's why he lived and died and rose again--for all of us. 
    
    
11. In what other setting--besides at home--are your children likely to be reassured over and over again that Jesus loves them and watches over them and is with them every moment of every day and night?
    

It's not "Go to church and do your duty," but rather, "Why cheat yourself and your kids out of the blessing and joy?"

Bringing your kids to church is important because what really counts with a child is, "Does this really matter to Mom or Dad? Or is it just something I'm supposed to do?"

Bringing your kids to church is not just so they can hear the pastor's sermon and/or the children's message or go to Sunday School.

Being part of a family of faith reinforces what you as a family stand for. It's about support and encouragement--for both your children and you as their parents. 

If you're a mom or dad, your fellow churchgoers are like your backup team.

Think about it. A church family is just that: Family

You may live a thousand miles from relatives, but if you're part of a local body of believers, you're plunked right down in the middle of family.

Family related by faith, not blood, who will be there when you need them.

Folks who see you talking to a friend and spot your toddler running across the parking lot, then immediately race after the junior adventurer and deliver your little one safely back to you.

Individuals whom it's safe to talk to, who will care that you're running on fumes and feeling overwhelmed. 

It only takes one to hug you and remind you, "Take heart, it's not the end of the story yet. God will get you through this. I know that's true and here's how. ..." 

It's been this way since Jesus started it

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."   --John 13:34-35

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  --Galatians 6:2

Look for a church that's Jesus-centered and Bible-centered, where the pastor and people are real, that is, authentic.

Then go with an open mind and be as friendly as you would be if taking part in any kind of new activity. Consider it another way to give your kids--and yourself--a solid base for living and to make new friends. Count on it as a place to grow.

• Why bring your kids to church? Because you love them.
  
  
• Why go to church? Because you love yourself.

Still growing,

Lenore

Why it helps us to remember what's good and right and true

Sometimes God chooses unlikely ways to remind us we have a lot to be thankful for, doesn't He?

Today I learned a lot by eavesdropping on someone else's conversation.

Let me explain.

One morning I stopped a local restaurant and got jolted out of my private little pity party. (It wasn't much fun, anyway.) 

The hostess seated me in a booth next to a table where two men seemed really intent on their conversation.  

One of the men had a radio-announcer voice that carried, even though he spoke softly. When he started talking I couldn't concentrate at all on my morning newspaper and just listened while trying not to let that show. (Cue newspaper foldings, etc.)  

Here's what I recall of his story

"I have one brother and he's the only family I have left. We've never been close, but we talked by phone once in awhile. We lived a couple hundred miles apart, so we didn't know much about each other's lives, but that was okay with both of us. 

"One day I got a call from a Child Welfare worker in his city. She told me the police arrested my brother and his wife for dealing drugs. They took his three children out of the house and turned them over to Child Welfare.

"The social worker told me my brother's kids would go into foster care unless my wife and I took them. We were their only hope and she wanted an answer by the next day. I was speechless and my wife even more so. We talked and talked and cried and prayed. At last we said Yes, thinking it would be short-term. 

"Not so. Eventually my brother and his wife were convicted of running a drug ring and both got long prison sentences.  

"It's been hard, hard, hard, even though we've talked to our pastor and friends many times and we've had family counseling. My nephew adapted pretty well. My 12-year old niece keeps it all inside, but those two both call us Mom and Dad and really, that's what we are. We're the ones who are there and who will be there, and we love them. They know that.

"The 15-year old still has nightmares. She rebels in just about every way she can dream up. We're coming to think perhaps the only answer may be some kind of full-time mental-health treatment for awhile, to help her heal.  

"I think I didn't really know much about talking to God before this upheaval in our lives. We've prayed and tried to pour out love, but we've also failed in a lot of ways. We wouldn't have made it without God giving us strength, minute-by-minute. Sometimes we've thought we couldn't keep on, but God has brought us this far, so we trust Him for the future.

"The wonderful surprise is the extra blessing in all this. We missed seeing it for quite awhile. Then one of us thought back to the early days of our marriage, when the doctors told us we never would have children of our own and we were crushed. Now we have three kids! So in spite of all the pain, we have joy and we know we did the right thing."

A change of heart 

You won't be surprised to hear I walked out of that restaurant with a new perspective on challenges in my life, my heart brimming with thanks and praise.  

• Thanks for that man and his wife who opened their home and their hearts and changed the lives--and the future--of three hurting youngsters. (And for them, too.)
  
  
• Thanks to God for supplying the love and strength they need to give of themselves, day by day, and not count the cost.
  
  
• Thanks that they can see the blessings and joy hidden within their daily sacrifices.

Like that couple, let's open our eyes to the joy!  

The Apostle Paul well knew personal suffering but he also knew how to find joy. I love the way he sums up his secret in Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! . . . Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers (and sisters) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things . . . And the God of peace will be with you.

                                                (Selected from Phil. 4:4-9 NIV)

"Rejoice!" It's not a suggestion, it's more like a must. An attitude we choose.

"If anything is excellent or praiseworthy . . . " We'll find it if we really look for it. If we turn our eyes to the ways God blesses us in every situation.We will find it, not because we're so great, but because God is faithful.

My friend, I wish you joy-in-the-midst! 

Still learning,

Lenore

Why do our kids so often push us to the edge?

Have you ever noticed how some kids refuse to give in? Or give up?

A friend remarked, "My brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always
pestering each other.

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't their words," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

All we do is confuse and water down what we say. 

Or we teach them to be like the boy whose mom called him to come in for lunch and he ignored her. Finally she yelled, "Harrison,  come in for lunch! Now!"

When he sauntered in, Mom confronted him. "Why didn't you come when I called you for lunch?"

He answered casually, "'Cuz I didn't hear you  the first four times you called me."  

Harrison knew exactly how far he could push it. His mother trained him that way. He probably knew his dad's limits, too.

Dr. James Dobson once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents. 

Kids naturally push against the limits we set

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if this is their mission in life.

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you asking, "That's fine, but what about today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents. 

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow--and don't allow--makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully.

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.  

 Within those limits our children can relax and run free. 

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is the biggest challenge.)  

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today--or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell. 

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority 

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we're to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day. 

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . .  --Colossians 3:12-13a

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves, we are the adults

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection. 

As they get older it gets more subtle. Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background. All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, even though they'll argue the point over and over and over.

It's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.    ESV  

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made us to be--and enjoying it! 

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Who told you who you are--and do you still believe it?

We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.  

Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to.
Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.

If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.

Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you. 

The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.

Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up 

• "You make me sick!"  
• "Can't you ever do anything right?" 
• "You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it." 

Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible. 

Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.

In some families--or marriages--hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even--or perhaps more so--if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.

(And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?) 

You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.    --Ephesians 4:29  (NIV)

The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead

It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!

You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.

So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.

(If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)

After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.

Then believe it!

What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?

No parent--or spouse--is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.  

Life-giving words can change lives.

Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.

What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")

The great thing--and a hard thing--is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart." 

This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top. 

Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too. 

It's not only children who crave words that give life

Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.

But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."

Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony--and it is. Steady and sincere love--in word and actions--is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.

What kind of words?

• "I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."
• "Thanks. I appreciate you."
• "It means so much to know I can always count on you."
• "I love you."

Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home--or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?

(Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)

Again, Paul lays out our motivation. 

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. --Colossians 3:12,17  (NIV) 

There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.

They're the gift that truly does keep giving--for life.

Still growing, too, 

Lenore