A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

About Dads and Kids and Life Beyond Father's Day

Many of us can remember feeling safe when we placed our hand in the hand of our big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliché puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure. Even if he couldn't be present physically, we knew he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• We knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• If our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith he set the example for us. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a child because you better understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him know it matters that he lived. Now, while he can hear it. 

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

It may seem a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliché but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore   

Ever wondered why our kids so often push us to the edge?

Let's face it. Some children simply refuse to give in--or give up.

A friend remarked, "My two brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.   

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the specific words they used," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

I remember doing exactly that, thinking it sounded more kind and loving and reasonable.  Now I know all it does is confuse and water down what we say. 

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents. 

This careful study enables our children to know exactly how far they can go with each parent. They know which one is more likely to be swayed by pleading and which one needs all the facts--and time--before saying, "Yes."  

It's a bit shocking--but accurate--that we train our kids to know how far they can push us.  

Personalities play a part  

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if their mission in life is to oppose whatever Mom or Dad say. 

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you saying, "That's all well and good, but this being in charge role doesn't fit my personality and it's really hard for me. How do I get through today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents. 

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow--and don't allow--makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully. 

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.  

 Within those reliable limits our children can relax and run free. 

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is any parent's biggest challenge.)  

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today--or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell.

Just remember that we are the grownups in the family and that's our job.

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority 

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we are to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day. 

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . .    Colossians 3:12-13a

Parenting roles change over the years 

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection. 

As our children get older we still keep a watchful eye, but our role gets more subtle, Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background so each child gains confidence that they can handle whatever they're trying to do.

All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, yes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, although they will argue the point over and over and over. Most of the time they avoid saying they need us and feel safer because we're watching our for them.

Nevertheless, it's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Being a parent and watching our children grow into themselves is deep-down satisfying. I believe it's the most important thing we could ever do because we are raising human beings.

But parenting is never a picnic. It isn't meant to be. Raising our children is it's a growth-and-development project for us as individuals, too. Being a parent changes us, makes us wiser and stronger and more understanding of human nature.

(Is it any wonder that we Christian parents so often feel inadequate and frequently ask Jesus to guide us and help us?)

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.  ESV  

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made you to be--and enjoying it! 

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Kids: "The Resistance Movement"

That may sound like an extreme statement, but here's a true-life story that illustrates the point. 

Nine-year old Lawson is playing with his dog in the grassy area beyond his backyard. Mom yells from the back door, "Lawson, it's time to come in."

No response.

"Lawson! Time to come in!"

No response.

Mom yells again. And again.

Still no response. By now Mom feels her temperature rising, especially since she can see that her son is not far away and staring intently up at a tree.

"Lawson James! You get yourself in here right now, young man!"

Lawson takes his time coming in, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. 

His mother stands waiting, with hands on her hips. "You'd better have a good excuse, young man! Now you tell me why you didn't come when I called you!"

"Well ... I didn't hear you the first four times you called."

Resistance comes in different packages

Some kids plant their feet and holler, "No!" as if daring you to do anything about it. That kind of open defiance is easy to spot.

Others are more subtle, like the child who appears smiling and compliant, but habitually "forgets." If this behavior is chronic don't immediately assume it's deliberate. For some, there's an underlying problem such as ADD or ADHD, which makes consulting a licensed professional a worthwhile idea.

Some children quickly agree with you, often with a smile or laugh, but then don't do what they said they would do. Note: Both "forgetters" and "agrees, but doesn't do its" offer passive resistance. That's not as in-your-face as defiance, but these pint-sized human relations experts know parents find that easier to take.  

The "Lawsons" of this world know exactly how far they can push Mom or Dad. They usually obey. Eventually. They'll give in when they are ready, that is, just before you blow your top. If this sounds like a battle of wills, that's exactly what it is. 

Consider such tactics the child's way of exercising the limited power at their disposal. 

Are these kids evil? No. They're human. That is, not perfect, like every other human being.

Nobody said parenting would be easy

Still, few of us realize ahead of time how long it can take to teach important lessons. We get tired and lose heart.

We may ask ourselves, why bother to keep trying? The answer is easy. It's because all the studies show that youngsters who learn to obey and to respect authority have an easier time in school and also navigating through adolescence.

No one formula exists, but here some general pointers:

    Principle one: Figure out what really matters in your family and talk about it.

    Principle two: Pick your battles carefully.

    Principle three: Don't say it unless you mean it. But if you say it, make it stick.

    Principle four: Be consistent. Whatever your rules were yesterday, stick with them today.  Otherwise, you start over tomorrow. Besides, children feel more secure when they don't have to wonder whether you mean it ... this time. 

    Principle five: Learn to laugh.

All the while you're teaching and modeling, without a word

Any time you lose your temper or raise your voice, you hand over some of your authority as the parent. (Yes, I know how daunting and hard that is. I should, because I slipped up many times.)

As I got better at staying focused I realized being consistent actually saved time--as well as my sanity. Otherwise, any kid with even minimal levels of spunk will keep testing you just to see if you still mean it.

This tiresome maneuver can go on a very long time, especially with those children we label "strong-willed." If Dad and Mom stick to the limits they laid down, eventually even these guerilla fighters get bored and stop trying. 

Parenting is a long-term course in personal growth

Being in authority may make you uncomfortable, but remember, God gave you these children. He knows your stress levels and he equips you for the task He gives you. 

As our children grow and we face new challenges, we parents continue to grow stronger from within. Stronger in character, with a clearer fix on what we as individuals stand for. Most of the time we also pick up all kinds of useful personal skills.

When you feel overwhelmed, remember Paul's truth and take it to heart:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That includes living with a Resistance Fighter who happens to be your child.

Take it from one who survived,

Lenore

On learning again that all we need is eyes to see what matters most

"Did you ever ... ?"

Those three words can trigger a flood of memories, can't they?

Like the time a friend asked, "Did you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?" Out of nowhere popped up the memory of a weekend when a few Bible verses became my lifeline. 

I needed one. For no reason I could figure out, I felt I was drowning in motherhood and in danger of losing who I was forever. 

Don't get me wrong. Our life was good. My husband and I loved each other dearly. No big problems, good health, four great kids. Any fool would be thankful. 

Wouldn't they? Shouldn't they?

Still, I yearned for something, because I was tired of feeling moody and unsettled. 

All I knew for certain was I wanted to get back my usual sense of peace and well-being.  

One Friday I read a tiny newspaper announcement about a weekend workshop for women

Over lunch I told my husband, "Wish I could go. It's only an hour's drive from here, but it starts tonight." (Cue in big sigh.)

Then that terrific man I married (who wanted his happy wife back) surprised me. "Of course you should go! The girls and I will be just fine."

I hugged him and right away called the number listed. Yes, they had space. Hallelujah!

I dressed and packed in a frenzy of anticipation. I knew only that the speakers would be Christian women from a neighboring state. A few hours later I waved and blew kisses and drove away feeling giddy at the prospect of 48 hours with nobody yelling, "Mommy!"  

When I checked into the hotel I found my room and for a little while, I just basked in the quiet.  

Then I walked into a ballroom full of women I didn't know. I didn't mind because it suited me just fine to be anonymous. All I wanted was time for me and perhaps to pick up some useful tips for living.

Handouts told me the conference theme was Ecclesiastes--which I confess, I didn't know much about.

Five minutes into the first speaker's talk, I knew why I was there.  

Identifying the root of my discontent

As I listened to the speakers and read the verses I began to understand my blue mood. During the previous few months I had watched and listened to a lot of "experts" and talking heads, all enthusiastically promoting almost identical themes. Magazine articles trotted out "reinforcements" for what sounded in those day like startling findings: 

• I owed it to myself to "accomplish" something so I could be fulfilled.
• Just being a wife and mother could never satisfy my deepest needs, only waste my potential for greatness.
• Any woman who allowed a man to "dominate" her or influence her decisions was a fool--even if she thought herself blessed to be married to a good, sweet man who loved her, as I was. 

Even though I had not consciously bought into these "new" theories, that weekend I knew they had lodged insidiously within my mind and heart.

Little by little, the repetition from all sides painted my thinking in a wash of dull gray.

Learning from Solomon

Without quite being aware of it I brought that mindset to the conference. No wonder this theme verse leaped out at me: 

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind ...   Ecclesiastes 2:11  NIV

That first night we focused on Chapter Two, where Solomon relates his goals and dreams and also his great wealth and achievements. Yet all he felt was emptiness.

Our speaker asked us: Had we ever felt empty and as if our lives were pointless? Women all over the ballroom nodded in agreement.

I thought of all the voices telling me to look out for No. 1 and I heard Solomon's phrase drum in my mind: "chasing after the wind."

Next day's workshops looked at life, marriage and the joy of growing a family

Our leader stressed the great privilege God bestows when he entrusts us with a child.

It matters not whether we become birth parents or step-parents or whether we adopt a child. It's even true when we are rearing children in place of someone else. 

Every day moms (and dads) help shape the next generation. Every day we plant faith and values that will carry over into the lives of our children and through them, into our grandchildren and stretching into the future. 

What's more, our children are watching and listening in as we adults live our lives, picking up clues on how to do it. Like good detectives they pay as much--and maybe more--attention to our actions as they do to our words.  

That packs every minute of every day with lasting meaning and significance.

During that brief workshop the truth of that statement gently smacked me on the head and got my attention, then moved in to stay. I saw it clearly. My life had purpose and meaning, just as it was. I already lived a life that mattered.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind.   Ecclesiastes 4:6  NIV

Simple words, yet they reminded me who I was--and who I wanted to be   

That weekend I got my right attitude back. I saw clearly the contrast between empty theories and Truth that stands the test of time. My heart danced as I thought how blessed I was to have a strong marriage and healthy children.  

I cherish the memory of that weekend when God spoke to me through the speakers and through Ecclesiastes. He replenished my spirit and got me back on track. He gave me eyes to see. 

He has made everything beautiful in its time ... I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all [their] toil--this is God's gift to [mankind.]   Ecclesiastes 3:11a; 12-13  ESV

No longer would I look "out there" to set my standards and gauge my "fulfillment" by someone else's measuring stick.  

I drove home singing--and praying, impatient to hug my husband and daughters. After that weekend nothing changed about my life but me.

And that changed everything.

Praying you may see the value of what you do every day!

Lenore

Who or what makes us who we are?

   More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.  

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.  

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips--and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know." 

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave--for pay--about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us 

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you? 

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears--and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent. 

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us 

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too. 

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  --Philippians 4:13  NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new. 

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives. 

Learning and growing never stop--and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore

How parents influence their children--for life

Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.

We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.

Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."

"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!

"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.

"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.

What about social media?

Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people--and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.

Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.

What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?

Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.  

Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.

Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.

Even if another one "drives you crazy."

What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual. 

As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.

Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

Drawing strength whenever we need it

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are--and who you are: 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.   Psalm 139:13-14  NIV

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10  NIV

Program your mind for your life now 

Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.

Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.

Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.

Still learning, too,

Lenore