A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

About Dads and Kids and Life Beyond Father's Day

Many of us can remember feeling safe when we placed our hand in the hand of our big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliché puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure. Even if he couldn't be present physically, we knew he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• We knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• If our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith he set the example for us. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a child because you better understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him know it matters that he lived. Now, while he can hear it. 

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

It may seem a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliché but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore   

What does it take to be a good parent?

Let's start with the ever-changing definition of dads 

It wasn't so long ago that a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck would be admired. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Back then, maybe a father read to his kids and attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. If he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work," his family gave him no static.  

Instead, Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you worked so hard all day. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times a Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family.

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then and now

Currently, not so many people agree with that approach. Today, most moms expect (or at least, hope) Dad will be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children?

Life often blocks good intentions, leaving Mom (or Dad) to fly solo. The parent who feels stuck with filling in may say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time this couple sees each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like, "Well, what about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage learn a better way and likely would say something like this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both of you lose.

Who comes first?

Early on, a wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once your children are wrapped up in their own lives."  

Over time we better understood the strength of that tip. As our four children discovered they "needed" this or that and pleaded their cases with us, we two each needed an ally! Our kids discovered it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other.

Standing together also reminded us we were a couple. A team. We loved our children with all our hearts, but it helped so much to know each of us marriage partners placed the other first. Being human, we slipped up occasionally, but in general we stuck to this principle except in emergencies.  

Years later our adult children one by one told us our unity and stability reassured them--even when they railed against it. Why? Because it reassured them we planned to stay married.

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We're all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Years ago author Patsy Clairmont said our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So in all our dealings but especially within our marriage and family, let's cut each other some slack. Let's show grace and be quick to forgive and accept each other as yes, imperfect people. And our sons and daughters, too.

Count on it: Your love and mutual forgiveness in the nitty-gritty of daily life will benefit your kids all their lives. It's how we parents most effectively model for our children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

Does the idea of Father's Day dredge up old hurts? 

It's a sad fact that many adults still ache to hear their father say the words, "I love you."    

For generations, men believed whatever they did to provide for their wife and children obviously demonstrated their love loud and clear. The old "Actions speak louder than words" applies here. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

Where does this leave you if you're still hurting? Good news, healing is possible, no matter how many years have elapsed--or even if you ever hear those words spoken.  

It means being willing to lay down our battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. Over and over, if necessary, until finally, we can let it go. We can't heal if we insist on picking it up again.

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

All of life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Once we leave that judgment behind we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

The Good News of the Gospel tells us we needn't generate this love on our own:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Neither does one parenting style or the other. It's all about living out love, healthy love that builds strength.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice living within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's our standard for parenting, no worries, even if money is tight and our life situations are challenging. In the minds of our children, Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom," because they will remember the love that ruled our hearts and our home.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Whatever our situation, let's resolve to rejoice! Even if. Even when. Even though. 

Lenore

Take a fresh look at dear old Dad

Fathers come in all shapes and sizes and all personalities.

One thing is common to all: Even the best of them have--or had--flaws because, well, they're human beings.

Some dads provide for their family and are physically present, but they remain detached emotionally. Others live with one goal: Provide for their family and give them what they need, plus surround them with love.   

Perhaps the man who reared you and did his best to love you wasn't your "natural father," so you shut him out. Now you know he endured pain, too. Why not speak (or write) a few words of respect--and gratitude?  

Some of us can't get past our list of what we lacked while growing up

What better time to take a new inventory? You might see there were blessings sprinkled in, too, and you never noticed.  

Maybe your loving, stressed-out mom had to go it alone, but an "outsider" in your life nurtured you and influenced you in ways that built strength. A teacher, a coach, a neighbor, or just a kind individual who knew when a kid needs a friend. That's a gift, you know. Have you ever thanked this person?  

All these men--or father figures--were there. They gave of themselves, however imperfectly. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Father's Day offers the perfect "excuse" to say the words that matter. Do it now.

And thank God, too, for what was--and is--love.  

Love is patient and kind ... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.     1 Corinthians 13:1a, 7  ESV

When if you missed out on all that?  

Maybe you're muttering, "Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk!"

Maybe your dad wasn't there--or he just showed up once in awhile. 

That hurts down deep and it's easy to get stuck in what you missed out on. The only way I know to be free of that weight is to let it go. Lay it at the cross of Jesus and move on. Look for what's good now.

One more thing: Revisit your memories, slowly, thoughtfully. Ask God to show you any glimmers of blessing you might have missed and thank God for that.  

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32  ESV 

Say it now, while you can 

Perhaps it feels like it has been too long and words are hard to find. Set aside your discomfort and do it anyhow.  

My dad was like most men of his era and didn't talk much about love. Because of distance I saw my parents infrequently, especially after we moved West. As my father got older I called more often but most of the time we just made unsatisfying small talk.  

As years went by I realized I had not put into words what Dad meant to me. So whenever I sent him a letter or greeting card I noted a few qualities I honestly appreciated about him as a man and as a father. And every time we talked by phone I made sure to tell him a time or two, "I love you, Dad," before I hung up.

Later on, after he died, it comforted my heart to remember those conversations. I'll always be glad I did that. 

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  ESV

Most of us find our insight improves over the years

Probably we understand our parents better once we have children of our own. Your dad and my dad had to learn and grow and endure the same struggles we all do when we have children. 

Did they make mistakes? Of course. 

For me, I know my father did the best he could, even in the hard times and remained patient and kind. Through all the serious health issues and other hardships my parents faced, they lived out their faith in Jesus Christ.  

In countless ways my mother and all our family were blessed because Dad was there for us. Always. No matter what came.  

I took that for granted for much of my life. More and more since my father died I understand that who Dad was as a person blessed me. It influenced how I live and who I am, even today. 

The righteous who walks in his integrity--blessed are his children after him!   Proverbs 20:7  ESV

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV

What if our emotions are all over the place?

First, let's be patient with ourselves and not be afraid to talk to our loving Heavenly Father about our joys and woes. Whatever is on our hearts.

Psalm 103:13 tells us why we can feel free to do so.   

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.  NIV

If you're not sure he would welcome you, think of this verse, which shows the depth and enormity of God's love: 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16  ESV

That's a love you can trust and settle down in. 

My prayer for you, Gentle Reader, is that you feel the Father's love warming your heart right now and every day.

Blessings,

Lenore        

What good are dads in a child's life?

Those of us in touch with the times know that kids do fine in any kind of family.

The Experts have declared it so.

They say it makes no difference if a youngster has two parents or one. Married or unmarried. Straight or gay. Whatever ... it's all the same.

Agree or disagree? 

That's become a loaded question in our time. 

I happen to believe fathers bring balance to a child's life 

Picture the preschooler trying to go down a slide, but frozen by fear. Mommy says, "Oh, Honey, if you don't want to go down this time, I'll come help you get down. You can try another time."

Daddy says, "Aw, c'mon. I know you can do it! Just shut your eyes and let go. I'll be here to catch you at the bottom."

If the child comes down and bumps at the bottom, there'll be crying. Mommy rushes in with hugs and coos, "There, there, Sweetie, you'll be okay. You don't have to try that again until you're ready."

But Daddy says, "Hey, that's a good start! Now just go up there and try again. You'll be so proud of yourself! Then we'll go celebrate with ice cream."

And so it goes, all through life

I think children benefit from both the soft, warm, nurturing comfort of Mom and the encouraging prods from Dad. 

When I think of my dad I can't remember any deep, wise sayings. All I knew was he loved me. He loved my three sisters. And he loved my mom.

My mom and dad often looked at each other as though there were no one else in the world. Early on I didn't understand it but I sensed that somehow it was wonderful.

Now I realize their steadfast love blessed me and my sisters. 

Love that lasts

I never saw that love fail, not even through the last hard three years of my mother's life after she was diagnosed with A.L.S., otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Mom died at age 54. 

By then I had married and moved away, so I only saw them every couple of months. As my mother's condition slowly deteriorated I watched them cope with simple acceptance and quiet faith. 

The same way they lived through all the years of their marriage.

My dad cared for Mom and held life together as best he could for my two teenage sisters. All the while he continued to pastor the congregation of wonderful Christians he was called to serve.

How did he manage it? I'm sure Dad would have said what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  -NKJV

Dad trusted Jesus and sought to live by the Bible he regularly taught and preached.

That was who he was. I knew it then as more of a concept. Now I know by experience how Paul's words can put steel into a spine.

In praise of imperfect fathers

My dad wasn't perfect. Most of us can think of ways our fathers could be--or could have been--"better."

Here's the thing: Being imperfect comes with being human. Imperfect is what we are, all of us. 

You and I so easily fixate on what's missing. We forget that to simply be there adds stability to a youngster's life.

If a father is someone his kids can look up to and count on he gives them a lifetime gift.

Can we not rejoice over what is rather than bemoan what's missing?

Can single parents raise strong, stable children? Absolutely. Especially if a mother makes sure her children spend time around good dads or father figures. (And vice versa, if it's a single dad.) It's tough to be a single parent, but many do a fantastic job. 

Reason to celebrate

Our perception of what our parents lived through is hazy, so our understanding is limited.

It's time to forget their failures and thank God for what they did right. Every father who loves his children and offers a solid base they can count on is a blessing. (Ditto for every mother who does the same.)

Be grateful--and say so--while you still can.

Look for the joy, my friend, always,

Lenore

 

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Learning about life from our friends

Sometimes a chance conversation teaches us a lot. Like the day a friend talked about her childhood.

"Our family was poor when I was growing up," she said, "but I never knew it.  

"I remember the year Dad was out of work. Mom suddenly announced she was really tired of fixing turkey every Thanksgiving and announced our First Annual Rice and Beans Festival.

"We kids made silly paper hats out of grocery bags. Mom dug up some old candles and sent us out to pick up pretty leaves to decorate the table. Before we ate we went around the table and each of us, even my bratty brother, said our own thank-you prayer.

"Guess we kids forgot we didn't much like rice and beans because we stuffed ourselves. After dinner we had a contest to see how many blessings we could name, then played games.

"We all still talk of that as the best Thanksgiving ever.

"Friday nights were special, too. We always had popcorn and Kool-Aid. Then we'd sit around and watch TV together or play games. I know now that's all we could afford, but as a child it felt like a party every week.

"Whenever the power went out, Dad would clap his hands and say, 'Let's celebrate!'

"He'd light candles while Mom made peanut butter sandwiches. Then he'd spread out an old blanket and we'd sit in a circle, like around a campfire. We'd sing camp songs and one of us would make up a funny story, then the next one in the circle would have to keep it going.

"We had so many good times, so much laughing--small wonder I thought we must be rich. My parents simply knew how to make the most of every little thing.

"I hate to admit it, but my husband and I and our kids have a lot more stuff now than my parents ever did and we never celebrate any of it."

+++++++

That conversation stayed in my mind for a long time. Obviously, her parents were super-gifted with a thankful spirit. They have a lot to teach . . . me. 

A lovely old hymn speaks truth to my heart. How about yours?

For The Beauty Of The Earth 

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the beauty of each hour

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and moon and stars of light,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the joy of human love,

Brother, sister, parent, child,

Friends on earth, and friends above,

Pleasures pure and undefiled,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

Blessings to you, my friend, at Thanksgiving and every day,

Lenore 

  

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How talking to your kids pays off big time

It seems pretty basic for moms to talk to their kids, from the start. All the time. 

But some moms--and dads--don't. Some are preoccupied with their own thoughts and concerns, some are on their cell phones or Ipads and some are simply quiet individuals.

I've heard adults say, "How could it matter? They're just kids."                                

Researchers now tell us it makes a difference in the life of a child--for life--whether a parent talks with her or his child--and how much.

What counts is what comes naturally for most of us: Talking

Kootchy-kooing your baby. Sounding out words with that little one just learning to talk. Pointing out objects and coaxing your toddler to repeat the name(s) and colors, etc.

Start reading to your little ones even before they can talk. You'll be planting happy memories all around. Then be ready to listen as they read to you--or pretend to. Online reading choices abound, but why not make it a habit to visit your public library and check out books for everyone? Books make great surprise treats and birthday gifts, too. You can cut costs by shopping in used bookstores and at garage sales. 

As usual, what we moms do counts more than what we say, so make sure your children often see you reading. 

All of it counts as you seek to let your kids know that knowing words and reading matter in life, not just in school.

Moms and dads are the key element

Researchers found that the crucial point in a child's literacy and language abilities is how much moms and dads engage their children, that is, talk to them and listen. Everyday conversations. Ask questions while you read to them or they read to you. Sound out words on signs when you walk or drive. Talk about the weather. Is it hot or cold? Rainy or sunny?

Studies show that kids have no better vocabulary teachers than their moms and dads.

Let trips to the supermarket be natural learning times. Ask questions like, Is this apple red or green? Is it mushy or crunchy? How does it taste, sweet or sour? 

Help your kids see, too. Call their attention to the colors in a sunset. Can they see pictures in those big, puffy clouds? Identify colors of blooming flowers and the windbreaker that runner is wearing.

It's all part of a child's literacy education

Researchers found words on television don't count as much as words from a mom or a dad to their children. Kids who hear lots of talk in their homes are able to understand words more quickly and will have larger vocabularies by age 2.

The study showed that even in low-income families, when parents talk and interact with their children, youngsters do better in language development.

Just as important, talking builds relationships  

Isn't that what we all want? So let's speak love and support, one to another, within our family. Take it from me, fellow moms, our children never get too old to appreciate a good word from us. It's as the Bible says in Proverbs 16:24:

Pleasant words. are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul. and healing to the bones.                                                                                                                          

Growing along with you,

Lenore

 

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