A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What does it take to be a good dad?

The definition keeps changing

Not so long ago a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck passed the test. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Maybe Dad attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. It was okay if he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work."

Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you work so hard. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times any Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family. 

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then vs. now

Moms today typically expect Dad to be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children? 

When life gets in the way and he can't--or she can't--the parent who feels stuck with filling in might say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time Mom and Dad see each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like,  "What about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage would say this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both lose.

Who's on first?

A wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice early on. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once you're back to the two of you."  

Always, the prime goal is maintaining your closeness as a couple, a team.

Even though you love your children with all your hearts, let them come in second unless it's an emergency or some kind of threatening situation. 

Why would loving parents do that? 

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We are all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Author Patsy Clairmont says our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So let's cut each other some slack. Let's be quick to forgive and accept each other. And our sons and daughters, too.

That's every dad and mom's most effective way to model for their children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Your day-after-day example of love and mutual forgiveness will benefit your kids all their lives.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

What if Father's Day dredges up old hurts? 

Many adults still ache to hear their father say, "I love you."    

Why so silent? Generations of men believed providing for their wife and children demonstrated their love loud and plainly, so what more could anyone ask of them?  

Factor in this basic, sad truth. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

If you're still hurting, healing is possible.  

There's only one requirement. It means being willing to lay down that battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. 

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

Life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Then we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Here's the Good News. We don't have to generate that love on our own.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Nor one parenting style, either.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's your standard for parenting, no worries. Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom" in the memories of your children because they'll remember the love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Peace and joy!

Lenore

Thoughts about dads and kids and life that reach beyond Father's Day

I hope you can remember feeling safe when you placed your hand in the hand of your big, strong father.

Whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us and take care of us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn't let anything harm us.

We thought Daddy could do anything and he knew the answers to every childish question.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn't know everything. He wasn't cool. What's more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules. 

Over time we met new people and, as the cliche puts it, we "expanded our horizons."

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us even less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it. 

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. (Gulp!) Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us.

That's when we understood what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What's more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. Wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn't even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our own fathers. (Or mothers.)

The only logical conclusion is that most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.  

Don't we all do the same? 

What if we decided to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else's?

Then we'll see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.  

• Most of all, Daddy was there. We could count on him, so we felt secure.Even if he couldn't be present physically, he was with us in his spirit and his heart.
  
  
• All us kids knew he loved us. We saw it in his smiles, even when he never uttered those three little words.
  
  
• He loved our mom more than us--and we knew it. Theodore Hesburgh said, "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother."
  
  
• Dad tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave what he could.
  
  
• Our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith. He set the example for our family. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn't appreciate it.
  

If your dad's still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear. Now, while you still can.

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a small child because you understand what it cost him to be your father.

Tell him you how much you appreciate his love and who he is.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up and his smile spread.

Let him see it matters that he lived. Now, while he's here.

If you've had "issues" with your dad, what better time to forgive what's behind you and lay it to rest?

Set aside who's "right" and who's "wrong." Let it go.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

Perhaps it seems a small thing, but . . .

So long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy's "little girl" or "little boy."

That sounds like a cliche, but trust me, you'll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father's age, inside he's the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his big, strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn't always match our romanticized images, but it's love, just the same.

Our best response to imperfect love is love--and it brings the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                                       --1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

Lovingly,

Lenore

   

Living with a hero--and being one

I can hear you thinking, there are no heroes in this house.

Oh yes, there are. You see, real life heroes specialize in being there. Just don't expect excitement and a great big marching band.

Real life heroes look like this.

Moms who clean up after kids with stomach flu. They seldom get parades in their honor. 

Dads who drag themselves out of bed every day and go to work. They rarely get "citizen of the year" awards.

Truth is, any mom or dad, with or without a paying job, gets tired and sometimes want to quit. Yet they stay because somebody depends on them.

That's what separates real life heroes from on-screen pretenders

Everyday heroes show up and do what's needed, usually with a smile. Ask them why and they'll say, "Well, I just do what I gotta do."

Forget those "amazing" heroes in TV dramas and romances. All they have to do is perform according to a script while being coddled by scores of people bent on making them look good. They get rest breaks, makeup artists and personal assistants. Their mistakes get cut out by the final edits. 

Who wouldn't look good with all that? 

Real life heroes fly solo . . . without a script or support staff.

Becoming a mom amounts to a crash course in being there

We moms get plunged into it once we have that first child. Love floods our hearts and suddenly we find energy and patience and stick-to-itiveness we didn't know we had.

Mothers of new babies sit in the quiet darkness of 2 a.m., eyes half-shut with exhaustion and croon lullabyes as they feed their little ones. All this with a smile.

We moms do what we gotta do, even when we're not in the mood. Even when we're feeling queasy. Even when we think we cannot change one more diaper or swab out one more toilet. We keep on keepin' on, because they need us.

Every mom is "full-time," with or without paid employment. 

Dads keep going, too, doing their jobs faithfully. They give of themselves to their families, knowing all along they'll be taken for granted. Ask them why and they'll say, "That's what dads do."

Our loved ones need us and that settles it.

Love = presence

A couple of Sundays ago our pastor chose that sermon title, explaining that being there, being present through the highs and lows of life, is the real proof of love.

Wives and husbands for each other. Moms and dads for their kids. Children, when their parents need them.

Love is more than beautiful words and lovely gestures. It's being present. Giving of ourselves.

Jesus showed us how

We all do better with good role models to follow. The one who shows us how to love fully is Jesus Christ. He knew what was coming and could have spared himself, but He went all the way.

Jesus gave his life on the cross for all of us, to pay the price of all our sins. It's vital to remember that Jesus gave up his life voluntarily. He could have blinked and those Roman soldiers who nailed him to a cross would have dropped dead. 

Yet he stayed, out of love for you and for me and for all the world.

The Gospel is all about love. We know that from verses like this: 

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  --Romans 5:8  ESV

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.     --John 3:16  ESV

And when we run out of energy? 

Then it's time to look to our Hero, Jesus Christ.

 I can do all things through him (through Christ) who strengthens me.   --Philippians 4:13  ESV

Still learning,

Lenore

What good are dads in a child's life?

Those of us in touch with the times know that kids do fine in any kind of family.

The Experts have declared it so.

They say it makes no difference if a youngster has two parents or one. Married or unmarried. Straight or gay. Whatever ... it's all the same.

Agree or disagree? 

That's become a loaded question in our time. 

I happen to believe fathers bring balance to a child's life 

Picture the preschooler trying to go down a slide, but frozen by fear. Mommy says, "Oh, Honey, if you don't want to go down this time, I'll come help you get down. You can try another time."

Daddy says, "Aw, c'mon. I know you can do it! Just shut your eyes and let go. I'll be here to catch you at the bottom."

If the child comes down and bumps at the bottom, there'll be crying. Mommy rushes in with hugs and coos, "There, there, Sweetie, you'll be okay. You don't have to try that again until you're ready."

But Daddy says, "Hey, that's a good start! Now just go up there and try again. You'll be so proud of yourself! Then we'll go celebrate with ice cream."

And so it goes, all through life

I think children benefit from both the soft, warm, nurturing comfort of Mom and the encouraging prods from Dad. 

When I think of my dad I can't remember any deep, wise sayings. All I knew was he loved me. He loved my three sisters. And he loved my mom.

My mom and dad often looked at each other as though there were no one else in the world. Early on I didn't understand it but I sensed that somehow it was wonderful.

Now I realize their steadfast love blessed me and my sisters. 

Love that lasts

I never saw that love fail, not even through the last hard three years of my mother's life after she was diagnosed with A.L.S., otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Mom died at age 54. 

By then I had married and moved away, so I only saw them every couple of months. As my mother's condition slowly deteriorated I watched them cope with simple acceptance and quiet faith. 

The same way they lived through all the years of their marriage.

My dad cared for Mom and held life together as best he could for my two teenage sisters. All the while he continued to pastor the congregation of wonderful Christians he was called to serve.

How did he manage it? I'm sure Dad would have said what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  -NKJV

Dad trusted Jesus and sought to live by the Bible he regularly taught and preached.

That was who he was. I knew it then as more of a concept. Now I know by experience how Paul's words can put steel into a spine.

In praise of imperfect fathers

My dad wasn't perfect. Most of us can think of ways our fathers could be--or could have been--"better."

Here's the thing: Being imperfect comes with being human. Imperfect is what we are, all of us. 

You and I so easily fixate on what's missing. We forget that to simply be there adds stability to a youngster's life.

If a father is someone his kids can look up to and count on he gives them a lifetime gift.

Can we not rejoice over what is rather than bemoan what's missing?

Can single parents raise strong, stable children? Absolutely. Especially if a mother makes sure her children spend time around good dads or father figures. (And vice versa, if it's a single dad.) It's tough to be a single parent, but many do a fantastic job. 

Reason to celebrate

Our perception of what our parents lived through is hazy, so our understanding is limited.

It's time to forget their failures and thank God for what they did right. Every father who loves his children and offers a solid base they can count on is a blessing. (Ditto for every mother who does the same.)

Be grateful--and say so--while you still can.

Look for the joy, my friend, always,

Lenore

 

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Keep Calm and Carry On: Still good advice

Feed your marriage on "we" instead of "me" and watch it thrive

What does it mean to "discipline" a child?

 

Take a look at this father and son, with the dad showing his young son how something works. 

Contrast this everyday kind of photo with recent domestic abuse news stories that make your blood curdle.  

Fathers and sons are a hot topic since Minnesota Vikings player Adrian Peterson was charged with child abuse.

He admitted to using a switch--a tree branch stripped of leaves and smaller branches--to "discipline" his four-year old son.

Peterson told People magazine, "I have to live with the fact that when I disciplined my son the way I was disciplined as a child, I caused an injury that I never intended or thought would happen." 

Let's get one thing straight right here

• Discipline is not beating a child
• Discipline is not screaming and yelling at a child
• Discipline is not name-calling, threatening or humiliating a child 

Webster's Dictionary defines "discipline" as: 

"training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency."

Most of us would connect training with patiently showing a child or another person how to do something--again and again--until they "get it."

Parents do that all the time. We're here to help our kids master the necessary skills of living so they can thrive even when they're apart from Mom and Dad. 

Look at the root of the word "discipline"

Disciple.

For three years the twelve men we call "disciples" walked and talked with Jesus, listened and learned. They followed His instruction and His example. 

Jesus discipled His spiritual "children."

Jesus was getting them ready to live without Him, because He knew He would be returning to the Father. 

We oh, so human parents, with all our human failings, disciple our children, too, whether we realize it or not. Our kids watch us every minute and hear every word we say--even when we think they're not listening. 

They do as we do, much more than they do as we say. 

Adrian Peterson used a switch on his four-year old because his parent(s) used switches on him.

Peterson took his cues on how to parent from how his parent(s) treated him and his siblings.     

Apparently it never occurred to him there was anything wrong with treating his young son so harshly. He says of himself, " ... I am not a perfect parent, but I am, without a doubt, not a child abuser ... "

It's worth noting that his parents never married and that Peterson reportedly fathered from four to seven children, with several women. He recently married for the first time. 

We CAN break away from harmful patterns--if we recognize them and decide to end them

One couple I know, let's call them Laura and Mark, both were badly abused as children. Yet each one wanted to have a family. Before they married these two promised each other they would never abuse nor humiliate their children, no matter what.  

"Oh, it was hard!" Laura says. "Especially when our two kids were young, there were times I had to walk out of the room, even out of the house and go sit on the front step until I cooled down. Then I'd go back, give them big hugs and tell them Mommy had been too angry and needed a timeout, but I loved them very much. That's pretty much what Mark did, too.

"Did we pray? Oh yeah!

"Our children are young adults now and I'm thankful to say neither Mark nor I ever raised a hand against them. Our marriage is strong and the four of us are very close as a family. We really enjoy being together. That's nothing like the way Mark's and my birth families relate to each other."

Take hope! Help is available, any moment of any day

Some of us are stuck in the old ways. Some want out, but we think we're not strong enough.

That's true on our own. But we + our strong resolve + Jesus' strength within us can do it.

Here are some "energy pills" for the journey--all ESV:

(Jesus said) I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.                         --John 15:5

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.    --1 John 1:9

I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  --Philippians 4:13

Some of us know by experience that asking Jesus to guide and empower us is the only way to live.

Lovingly,

Lenore  

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