A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What would it take to make you happy?

 A lot of people spend a lot of time wondering about the "If Onlys" of life:

    If only I could meet the right person and fall in love, then all my dreams would come true ...

    If only we had better communication then our relationship would be perfect ...

    If only we had a baby then our marriage would be stronger ... 

    If only we earned more money ...

    If only we had a bigger/newer/nicer house in a better neighborhood, then life would be perfect ...

    If only our children were through school and had good jobs and were married to the right people then I could stop worrying about them ...

     If only I had the body I used to have ...  

    If only growing older weren't so scary ...

    If only ... then ...

    If only ...

    If ...

There's a term for that: "Mythical thinking"

That's how some mental health professionals label it. Mythical thinking keeps us dreaming of a place where everyone and everything is--or could be--perfect.  

Here's the problem. When we spend too much time daydreaming about Make Believe Land it's as if we put on blinders that shut out the sweet reality of our lives:

• The beauty all around us, God's intricate creation.  
• The small, kind gestures of people in our lives. (Like the stranger who held open the heavy door when we were balancing shopping bags.)
• The fun of watching our children grow into themselves, little by little over the years. 

You and I weren't born wearing blinders

We pick them and put them on all by ourselves.

It can start with spending too much time reading other people's posts on the Internet, the ones that show their "perfect lives."  

In the blink of an eye, joy flies out the window. 

The thought and energy we invest on what could be/should be better takes us out of the day we're living. We risk becoming what I heard described years ago as, "Living a life fenced in on all four sides by the perpendicular pronoun, 'I.'"

That can blind us to God's daily blessings to us, large and small. We miss out on the joy of them and likely won't even think to say, "Thank you, Lord."

When we fixate on ourselves and our lives we miss a lot. We forget to encourage people around us with smiles and a few good words, such as: "Thanks!" "Good for you!" "I'm so proud of you!"

Some of us are thinking, Yes, but this is me and I don't know how to change. What am I supposed to do about that?

First comes being willing to be willing to change. With choosing to live in the now and to love in the now.  

How do I start?

We always choose the outlook we put on. What God said to the Israelites applies to us, too:

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.   Deuteronomy 30:19  

Any time at all we can ask for help from the One who never takes His loving eyes off us:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1   

Any time our past failings threaten to overwhelm us, the One who makes all things new is waiting: 

If anyone is in Christ he (or she) is a new creation; the old has passed away; behold, the new has come.   2 Corinthians 5:17   

What does it mean to be "in Christ?"

There's no big list of requirements here. When we trust in Jesus Christ as our Savior and aim to live by that faith, we are "in Christ." 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.    John 3:16-17  

That's the starting place and the ending place. 

So how can one be happy, whatever comes? 

Choose life! Choose to be alive in the moment and to see all the ways God has been--and is--blessing you. 

Choose to be in Christ and know true inner peace. Nothing and no one else can bring deep-down joy that fills in your empty places. 

This is not me, preaching to you. This is me sharing what countless millions of us over the centuries know to be true.

God bless you, my invisible reader friend,

Lenore

 

 

Three simple steps to living more happily

Whether we're young or older, life is a continuous learning channel. Have you noticed?

By now I know that some "little" things can make big changes in our lives. Here are three:

1.    Get real.

2.    Get focused.

3.    Get thankful.

Curious? Read on.

1.  Get real

We ought not expect the people around us to be on our wave length. They're individuals, remember?

So it shouldn't surprise us that even people we feel closest to often don't immediately grasp the meaning of what we say to them. And vice versa. This explains why any two people so often talk past each other.

I well remember the first time I gave my husband one of those "poor little me" remarks, thinking my groom would understand and see my point. Instead, he replied, "Honey, you're only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn't. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?"

Once I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he wasn't wired that way.

A small bit of common sense reminds us that flowery gestures come cheap--and can be empty. A good marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. So does any close relationship or friendship. 

Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. That's harder to do in the face of social media and because we stare at screens so much of the time.

It's time we engrave this on the hard drive of our minds: Except for live interviews and action shots, everything we see on TV or on Facebook, Instagram, and the like has been carefully staged.

(Think about it. Would you post a photo or video depicting your family and yourself in the midst of a bad day?) 

Nevertheless, distractions like TV shows and social media can be enticing traps. We look at what's onscreen and then contemplate our "imperfect" lives and get depressed.

We get depressed because we forget that we see only what they want us to see.

2.  Get focused

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph--and pick up--messages by what we focus on.

I saw that play out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck. He carried her out and both were grinning from ear to ear.

Tables around them held other couples and families, everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody smiled and nobody talked to anybody, at least not to any live person sitting at the same table. When they finished eating they simply got up and walked out, still focused on their electronic gadgets. I doubt I could have counted five smiles among that group.

The contrast pained my heart. The daddy and daughter deepened their relationship and enhanced their family's strength and love. The others, the ones who hardly spoke to each other, satisfied their hunger and their curiosity of the moment. Nothing more.

I'll not forget that day because it felt as if I were observing a case study in the ways people interact with others. Or lack of same.

That lunchtime drove home an important truth for me: What and whom we focus on plays a huge part in our moods and how we view our lives.

3.  Get thankful

To simply be thankful can become a habit but for some of us progress may be slow.

For years I've been working to learn the art of tuning my awareness toward the good rather than getting hung up on what I perceive as my life's insufficiencies or annoyances. I don't have it nailed yet, but I've made progress. I see the difference in my moods and outlook on life.

I know now how much it lifts my mood all day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.

At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking the Giver for the good stuff and saying a simple, "Thank you, Lord." Then I commit people I'm concerned about and whatever troubles me to God's loving care. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.  

As always, the Bible shows us how: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Philippians 4:6

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

Once we learn to fix our thoughts on what is real and what is right in our lives and in the people we love, living more happily naturally follows. Instead of scowling and complaining about what's wrong with the world, we can fasten on God's goodness in the midst of it all--and smile.

(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)

Still learning,

Lenore

How do you see your life?

What do you need to give you a brighter outlook on life? 

That's not a trick question, just something to consider. The answer may be closer than you think.

Sometimes we need eyes to see, said she who often failed to do that. 

What did that lead to? Mostly a feeling of powerlessness. I let anything from a gray day to someone else's bad mood "make" me feel angry or turn my day sour.  

Or when my sweet husband and I were on different tracks I might say, "You just don't understand me."

When our lovely but noisy children were being themselves too often I thought and sometimes said (yelled?) to them, "You're driving me crazy!" 

Oh sure, I apologized. Profusely. Love covered over the moment and peace reigned again.  

All the while I wished I had clamped my lips shut tight because my words caused pain in those I loved. 

A random two-line quote opened my eyes 

I don't know the source, but these simple words startled my thinking and spoke to my heart:

Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw the mud. The other saw stars.

At first I read that as a writer and thought, What eloquent writing! So much wisdom in so few words.  

Before long the deeper meaning hit me in the gut. Every one of us, whatever our age or life situation, constantly makes choices. We--and we alone--decide that something or someone lifts us up or drags us down.   

Turning that truth over in my mind made me cringe--and then pray. At long last (and about time!) I faced the fact: No one else makes me feel anything. Then and now my words and my moods are a do-it-yourself job.      

What's more, whenever I tell myself that a situation or the words of another person "make" me mad, sad or depressed I surrender control over my emotions.  

 You might say that I put myself behind bars.   

Can it be that simple?

Certainly it varies from person to person, but one thing is true for all of us:

Where we look and what we think colors every facet of our lives 

Whether we see the best in life or the worst in life--and people--stems from where we fasten our attention and how we frame our thoughts. For example, do we believe (and say) that our marriage relationship is strong? Do we think (and say) that we have "good kids?" Do we customarily think that others treat us kindly?

Everything hinges on what we choose to see and how we choose to think. Will it be stars or mud?

Don't forget the sound track in your mind

We all have one and it plays continuously. Pay attention and be on the alert for echoes like these:   

• Why doesn't he ... ?
• Why won't she ... ?
• Why must he always ... ?
• Will she ever get it through her head that ...

Take it from me, if that plays in our mind for long it spawns thoughts like these:

• If he loved me he would ...
• If she cared she wouldn't ...
• He knows that drives me crazy!
• She did that on purpose, like she always does ...

This attitude spreads to how we view our jobs, our bosses and co-workers, our neighbors, our child's teachers and everyone else.  

My grandmother would have said,

"You're thinking yourself into a tizzy. Thoughts like that never lead to anything good."

Fine, but how do we make a new start?  

Just resolving to do so won't change us because our usual ways of thinking are as comfortable as an old pair of slippers. 

In effect, we need to "rewrite our software," that is, lay down new habits and hardest of all, stick with them.

The place to start is with the Manufacturer's Handbook, the Bible. (If it's new to you, start with one of the Gospels, the first four books of the New Testament.) Reading the Bible and talking to God in prayer helps us grow strong from within and implants new background music in our minds.

Any time is a good time to open up with God in prayer, no special script required. It's just being honest with him about what's in your heart. Some people prefer a set time of day while many of us carry on a running conversation throughout the day.  

Always, God hears us. Why? Because Jesus came to earth and set us right with God.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.   John 3:16-17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come!   2 Corinthians 5:17  NIV 

Day to day

When we're changed from the inside out the way we talk and relate to the people in our lives changes, too. We naturally start looking for strengths instead of reasons to complain and our outlook on life gets sunnier.

Here's a Bible verse that lays it out plainly:   

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.   Philippians 4:8  NIV

One thing we know for sure: We find what we look for.

Let's make this the time in our lives when we latch onto more reasons to smile and be thankful for the life we are living. 

I'm praying for you--and for myself, as well,

Lenore

What's your definition of having "enough" money?

If we conducted a poll it's a safe bet that a lot of people, all ages, believe the more money a person has, the happier they will be.  

Hmm. If that were true, wouldn't all the "rich and famous" folks have perfect marriages and happy, well-adjusted children?  

Every day the news reports give examples of how that is far from the truth.

Some counselors say it helps us keep on track to to ask ourselves every so often, "What do I value most? And how about my children?"

As always, it comes down to perspective

I couldn't help hearing parts of the conversation of two men in a waiting area. I still remember the main points of what they said. It went something like this.

They seemed comfortable with each other, one older man and one much younger. The younger man said, "Silvie and I met when we were full-time college students and working part-time jobs. She got her diploma a year ago and found a job that pays well, which was a godsend.

"When our daughter was born it seemed best for me to be a stay-at-home dad for awhile--and I'm loving it.

"Now I'm taking the rest of my college classes at night and online, so it will take me longer to get my degree. If you said we're broke you'd be right, but we're happy."

The older man laughed and said, "Hey, that's the way it's supposed to be when you're starting out, Kyle. How did you get so wise?"

Father knows best

Kyle took time to think, then said, "Well, a long time ago my dad gave me advice he guaranteed would help make for a happy marriage.

"He said my wife and I should always make sure we could get by on one income. That way if one of us couldn't work, we'd still have enough. Ellie and I talked about that and she said 'Okay, let's try it.'

"So that's what we're doing. We don't have a huge flat-screen TV, just the one my folks passed on when they upgraded to a bigger set. Our furniture is from Goodwill and hand-me-downs. We drive an old clunker and our cell phones are dinosaurs.

"But you know what? Neither of us would trade places with anybody. We're paying our bills and putting a few dollars into savings every month. We're working our plan and we're doing what matters to us. Our love is strong and we have each other and now, our healthy daughter too. Life is good."

As they got up to leave I heard the older man say, "You probably already know that your dad was a very wise man, my friend. And good for you, you know you are blessed. Not everyone does. "

Some of us can identify with that young dad 

My husband and I married when we were very young and crazy in love. We were so happy to be together that nothing else mattered. For years we lived pretty much a no-frills lifestyle. I wouldn't say we "lived on love," but money was tight.  

Who cared? We were together and life was good.  

In those years we discovered what's been proven true over and over: Riches have nothing to do with money. 

Earlier generations understood that

When I was a kid money was always tight, so my parents became experts in stretching it. I don't remember them complaining much. Nor do I recall them ever quoting wise words on being content, other than in family devotions. Then we might talk about Bible verses like 1 Timothy 6:8: 

And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.   NKJV 

I didn't realize it then but Mom and Dad lived that verse most of the time. Their attitude seemed to be: "This the life God has given us, so let's make the most of it."

And they did, in simple ways. For example, one constant in my childhood was that no matter how often we moved, my dad planted seeds of blue morning glories in each yard. They twined gloriously up the clothesline poles. We always had all kinds of flowers along the yard fence, too.  

My parents trusted God to provide and He did.  

I wish I could say that I never complained, but I did, especially as a teenage girl. I wanted what "everyone else" had, knowing all the while that would never happen.  

When I look back I know we were rich in what matters most

We kids knew for sure was that our mom and dad loved each other and they loved us--even though they seldom said the words. (Neither did any other parents of that era.)

We might not like what they said but we never doubted they were speaking truth, either to us or to others.

We never wondered whether one parent or the other would walk out on us.

As always, how we think makes all the difference  

By now I've learned that life gets even better when we know we're blessed and remember to thank the Giver.  

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.  Psalm 118:1

With that firmly fixed in our minds, life will be good, no matter what our circumstances.

Always, true wealth is a matter of the heart. We just need to remind ourselves often of that truth--and be at peace.

Thanks be that God, the Giver of all things, has patience with his often-forgetful children. Like me.

Warmly,

Lenore  

A question only you can answer: How is Life Treating You?

Perhaps the better question is, "How are you treating life?"

That is, what label do we paste on our days?

We seldom realize that's what we're doing, but it's true--and it becomes a habit.

A bad habit, because it gets easier and easier to fixate on what's "wrong" and subsequently miss what's right. (Or am I the only one who ever does that?)

This colors how we look at everything, maybe most of all, the people in our lives.

Finding fault and complaining starts early. Think how siblings squabble and wail, "It's my turn." 

Nobody has to teach kids that annoying practice. Isn't it odd how that kind of attitude seems to lurk within each of us? 

The angst of the younger generation ramps up in the teenage years, with endless complaints to parents: "You always ..." or "You never ... "

During those years children and teens could not fathom the internal struggles a mother or father feels. All along they live with uncertainty, nobody ever certain they are "doing it right."

Labeling saves time

Think about it. Once we label a person we don't have to think. We just plug in what we always "knew" about them--or thought we did.

Those old impressions lodge in our minds and too often we won't let go. It's more comfortable to hang onto old thinking than to take a fresh look. At ourselves.

This same pitfall dogs married couples. The person we fell in love with and married turns out to have a few faults. Yet that's the one who stays and keeps on loving us through all the highs and lows, the good times and the hard times--which happen to everyone, by the way.

Even those we judge to "have it all together."

Cause for celebration  

If we're honest, at times any one of us is not that easy to live with--even in a strong marriage. True?

But do we celebrate? Nope. More often we nag and nit-pick about small habits that bug us. We whine that we don't feel appreciated for who we are and how much we give and we are the ones who deserve to be celebrated. 

(How do I know this? Do you need to ask?)

We may exhibit selective sight with our adult children, as well. We focus on all the ways they need to change but remain blind to their strengths and good points. As for praise, forget about it, because we know they could do better. 

Often our Inner Critic carries that over into all of life  

We pick out things we wish were different and easily ignore what's good. We look "over there" for happiness and forget to look at what and who is right there in front of us.

Most of all we forget to look within ourselves.

Too often I would have to plead guilty. How about you?

But hey, old habits are hard to break. Right?

Time for a change

I've never forgotten one sermon that jolted me out of that rut.

Our pastor had the ushers hand out index cards and told us that he had found a short formula to be helpful in his life because it opened the eyes of his heart. That Sunday he decided to pass it on to us.

He suggested an experiment. Starting that day each of us was to promise ourselves to make this our personal practice. No questions would be asked. No reports of progress or lack thereof. This was to be personal.

His "formula" stuck in my memory because it's uncomplicated and short. I wrote it on an index card and taped it to my bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Did it bless my life? Yes it did, although I confess sometimes I slipped up often and some days didn't remember to try. 

Here's the simple formula:

1.  Leave the past at the cross of Jesus Christ, once and for all.

2.  See the good.

3.  Speak the good.

4. Ask God to develop this attitude within me.

U-turn required

Whatever the date and time or stage of life we're in right now, it's worth giving it a fair trial, don't you think? 

According to the news and the "experts" it sounds as if everything is up for grabs. Some of us feel we're floundering and just hanging on from day to day.

This simple formula sorts out what matters most in making a good life. It reveals the emptiness of the flotsam we're flooded with every day, on every side. It reminds us to stay on track by fixing our attention on what we as individuals can control.

This list serves us in the same way a level serves a carpenter: It helps us stay balanced, today and in the future.

You and I cannot change the world, but we change our world

Living by that pastor's formula takes us a long way toward that goal.

For specifics, many people hold up the Proverbs 31 woman as an example of how we should live. I believe most of those principles apply to both sexes in a general way. 

If the criteria in that chapter sound too daunting, focus on verse 26 for starters. 

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Doesn't that make a worthy checklist for both women and men?  

It's not hard to see how speaking kindness and appreciation would add life and light to our lives--and the lives of our spouse, our children and the people around us. This is doable for any of us. 

Whatever our age or life situation, one truth applies to every one of us: 

God gives us life. It's up to us how we live it.

Here's to being good learners,

Lenore

Pointers that strengthen all your relationships

What can we do to build a closer marriage relationship and/or to rear strong kids?  

Here's a hint: Don't fall into the trap of dragging the past into today. 

How do we do that? Play this conversation in your mind:

She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"      

He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."

She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."

He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"

Etc.

Can you spot the pattern of these remarks?

These two seem more interested in pointing fingers of blame than in understanding each other.

Parents often copy that pattern with their kids, too 

Last time Brody brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.  

So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.

She frowns and says, "Oh, Brody, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. Never. About anything."

If there's a mom (or dad) out there who has not once said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.

It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.

Blacklist those two words

"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and drowns out any motivation to reach understanding. 

Either of these two words--or their cousins--shuts down the other person's heart.   

Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and never into the exchange. What could our spouse or our child feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response would be, "What's the use? Why bother to try?"

Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around, even if it goes underground. Mending the broken places can take a long time. If ever. 

Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages. 

What to do?

The first thing is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, perhaps even make us a bit weepy.

There's a blessing in that. It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.

Next we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?

Often that's not a comfortable place as other regrets surface and our tears flow. 

That's a good sign, however. It hints that we're ready to change and find the better, happier way to live.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the better way, here in Ephesians 4:29:

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  NLT

And speaking of talking...

More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.  NIV

This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change?

Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    Isaiah 41:10  ESV

That's where we begin, by asking our loving God to wash away the crud of yesterday's mistakes and give us a fresh start.

What if we find ourselves our slipping back into our old habits?

Don't be discouraged. Rather, let's thank God for putting the "want to" in our hearts because it shows we're growing in faith and inner strength. 

Is it easy?

Is it easy to let go of what seems "natural" and make a new start, maybe over and over? No, it's not "easy".

We start by believing what the Bible says about it.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ... Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.    Romans 5:8; 1  ESV

God loved us "...while we were still sinners ... ."

God loves us now, while we still struggle. The old ways that we clung to got in the way of our life and relationships being good--and deep down, we knew it. What's called for at any point in this growth journey is a humble heart and the willingness to begin again.

If/when we fail how often can we start over? As often as the sun rises in the morning, because our loving God never gives up on us.

And I'm just sayin', that's pretty simple. Always remember that and never forget.

Thankful, too,

Lenore