A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How to put more joy in your marriage

Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?     

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

Then came babies. 

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

Yet, somehow they did.     

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ....

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

• "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
• "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
• "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better--if He chose--so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

 "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage--and in me. 

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them--and their marriages. 

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength ... The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself--or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends! 

Lenore

Build a lasting marriage on "we" instead of "me"

Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him--or her--happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds. 

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

• The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.
• No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions. 
• Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish. 

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect. 

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.  

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think--or care--about the needs of our husband or wife. 

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time--or energy--for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.   

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak--kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice: 

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives. 

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

• God before we 
• We before you
• You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  ESV

This much I know for sure 

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always, 

Lenore

The standards for living that matter most

It took me too long to realize I was holding myself to standards that weren't my own. 

It traced back to childhood, when grownups in my life had a favorite line, always delivered in you-need-to-remember-this tones: 

"Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

I took it seriously. Too seriously. That saying caused me to act, well, a bit irrational at times.

I say "irrational" because I never qualified for the title of Neat Freak. Like most mothers of several kids (we have four) it took all I had to sort of keep up with things.  

Yet when I cleaned, by George, I cleaned.

Did anyone care? Did anyone even notice those sparkling corners?

Nope. I can't remember a single time when family members--or a guest--walked in and said, "Your place is immaculate! You are amazing!"

That's life 

Once I became a wife and then a mom I discovered the people I loved mostly took me for granted. I hated it, of course. I remember a few choice "discussions" my husband and I had about that very thing.

I forgot to look at the other side, the good side. Later, I came to understand that in a marriage, within a family, taking each other for granted usually means we feel secure with each other. We should be celebrating, shouldn't we?

Such ease with each other becomes dangerous only if we forget to be grateful for what each one says and does to show love and make life happier for the other(s.)

(Never for a minute think I'm saying we forget about saying, "please" and "thank you" to each other.) 

The question to be asking ourselves is, "How am I showing my love?"

Relax, there are no "right" answers. Each marriage and each family is unique because God created people to be one-of-a-kind. What matters is that we demonstrate our love and contribute to our marriage in our own way. Plants require regular care and feeding. So do marriages.

And--just as important--we need to see and hear each one as an individual.

A family is like a chemical formula. Each family member is an essential element. They won't know that unless we say so. Often. 

Love=Accepting and applauding individuality 

To appreciate another's differentness may call on us to stretch our understanding.

Husbands and wives, well, you know the cliche: We marry our opposites. Marriage naturally allows us everyday opportunities to observe "the other" up close and personal. We need to look for strengths. Life together as marriage partners requires us to let each other grow as individuals, too.

As parents it's not long before we realize each child is an individual. Understanding them and being glad for who they are can be a challenge that goes on for years.

For example, a dad I know is built like a linebacker and exudes physical strength. His young son digs ballet. Think maybe that dad felt out of his comfort zone as he watched his son dance? Even so, he did it and came to see the beauty of ballet.

The mom who fought to achieve in her career discovers her daughter who excelled in math and science cares nothing at all for a college education and just wants to "find her own way." 

For all of us, maintaining a loving marriage and rearing our children takes all we have--and more--because every human being keeps growing and changing over a lifetime. 

That's why it's so worthwhile to pray for eyes that truly see and ears that truly hear each other.  

The heart connection

However we contribute to keep our marriage or family thriving, what matters most is that we give with our whole heart.

And with good cheer. Grudging gifts and gestures of love benefit no one and don't look or feel much like love.

Let's concentrate on what strengthens our family, what matters most for life and what feeds our spirit. Now, that's worth doing--and doing it well. (Trust me, whether every corner of your home sparkles is irrelevant.)

If we're to sum up what matters most in a word, it's this: Love. Do that well and all the rest will come together.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect harmony.   --Colossians 3:14  NIV

Still learning,

Lenore

Get marriage tips from strangers in an airport

Standing in the airport's long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the thirtyish couple standing ahead of us.

The petite wife pushed her long dark hair behind her ear and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends," she said between sobs.

"I know, I know," her husband said, wrapping his burly arms around her.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Look, we've talked this over so many times and we have to go. The decision is made. We agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. Remember?"

She nodded, tears streaking her cheeks.

"It will be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airlines clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Neither one said a word. She bit her quivering lip and wiped her eyes. The husband appeared stoic, almost wooden. I know that look because I've seen it on my husband's face.

Soon the wife headed toward the ladies' restroom.

That's when I glimpsed his heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man without emotion or so excited and confident that her misgivings about their upcoming move didn't matter.

She sat down next to her husband, smiling a wavering smile, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Neither one said a word.

How often do we miss what the one closest to us is feeling?

Often we hide what's going on inside.

The "experts" say females are more likely to be in touch with our feelings and more able to communicate them than are most males.

That being true, it's not surprising husbands and wives often talk past each other. When we wives say what we're feeling we expect our husbands to respond with equal emotion. Often they don't, either because they can't find the words or because they really don't know what they're feeling.  

We mistake their silence for tuning us out. We're quick to label them "cold" or "uncaring," even "selfish."

That day I saw both sides acted out

The young husband telegraphed his personal struggle the minute his wife walked away. His shoulders drooped and his lower lip quivered. But for her sake, he never let his wife see that.

She couldn't have known he harbored some doubts of his own. 

I wanted to tell them. I had to fight the urge to walk over and say, "Be honest with each other, now, before it's final, or this could drive a wedge between you. Talk it through. Cry together. Pray together. It may hurt, but it will draw you together and make you one again."

How do I know? Because my husband and I have lived out situations of our own. Lived them out both ways. Yes, we've survived and we've worked it out eventually. But later, more than once we've thought, Oh, what a waste of time and pain when we could have been there for each other.

Sharing honestly--with kindness and consideration--might not have changed anything, outwardly. Still, it would have made all the difference in how we got through our days and got from here to there.

Do you mean we should never keep our feelings to ourselves?

No, of course not. To "let it all hang out" every single time can be destructive. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is zip our lips.

Why would we do that? Because while we may not like the thing that's before us or the mess we're living through, we believe in our marriage and that's more important than our individual feelings of the moment. 

What matters is that the two of us know we're in it together. One motto applies, in every situation:

Keep your eye on your oneness and overlook the temporary struggle.   

As for the ending to the airport story  

I don't know what happened to those two, but they caused me to look within. I had to ask myself, how often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, a personal object lesson. A reminder to look--and judge--with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's not the kind of love Jesus spoke of.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  --John 13:34-35 (NIV)

It's funny how God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways, isn't it?

If we open the eyes of our hearts.

In love,

Lenore

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February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic--isn't that part of being female?--so I fantasize.  

Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up. 

Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

Years of living together taught me a greater truth

My perspective changed. Now I know:

Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

• Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."
• Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."
• Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."
• Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."
• Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning. 
• Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.
• Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.
• Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.
• Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.
• And vice versa.

I've learned--sometimes the hard way--that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.  

Let's rejoice in what is

Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love--and ourselves.

Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties! 

An anytime checklist

Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs ... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.                                                (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

Still learning, too, 

Lenore

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