A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Let's Be True to Who We Are

When you look into a mirror who looks back at you?

Is it you as you really are or is it the person you think you should be?

This may seem a silly question, especially since it's a given that every one of us keeps growing and changing all through our lives--until one considers how many people rate their self-worth on the number of "likes" they get on social media. It's as if one's value as a person depends on what other people think of that individual. 

By this logic, someone I never met--and likely never will--gets to tell me if I'm acceptable or not and whether my opinion is valid.

At the very least, isn't this un-American? 

And if that's how we choose to live, doesn't it mean we hand over control of who we are and what we think to other people? To strangers?

With so many opinions floating around in our heads do we even know who we are?

Years ago--in the midst of my adolescent flailing around to find myself--my mom passed on this familiar quote from Shakespeare. She also briefly noted this truth offers a solid standard to live by: 

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Even then I heard the inner click that signaled I needed to hang onto this truth.

Over time I realized my need for this to be true was as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. It explained why I could be troubled about some little cruelty among classmates or about suffering in a far-off country I could barely pronounce. Other kids my age just shrugged and said something like, "Aw, who cares? What does it matter to me?"

(As you might guess, this temperament quality never earned me the title "Miss Popularity.")

When I came to know myself better I realized the people I admired most were those who seemed to share this same need to be authentic.  

When my husband and I met I sensed an inner honesty in him early on. Over a lifetime I found that to be always true. Yes, we disagreed sometimes, as all couples do, but each of us learned to respect the other's right to hold a different, well thought-out opinion. I knew I could trust him to be honest with me and he knew he never had to wonder if I were being truthful with him.

This mutual acceptance helped each of us feel more secure with ourselves and who we were. It also tremendously strengthened our marriage relationship.

United we stood

As parents we tried to anticipate what would be coming next and talk it through so we would be prepared for what came next. Our girls soon learned it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other to wangle permission for something we hadn't discussed.  Our standard reply would be, "Sorry, but your dad (or mom) and I need to talk it over first."

This didn't stop our four lively, ever-changing daughters from trying. Or mounting campaigns complete with informing us that "all the other kids" already had their parents' okay.  

We would listen patiently as they pleaded their case and then often say what they didn't want to hear: "Sorry, Hon, but we can't say Yes. We love you very much, but that wouldn't be for your best and that's what we're here for." 

They still wailed (not wanting to appear too easy) but their pouts didn't last long.  

Did they appreciate at the time that we were trying to be good parents? Not hardly. 

Muddling through life

Isn't that what most of us do? None of us knows the precise path that lies ahead of us, so I'm guessing we do the best we can and try to do what's right.

I'm a Christian and I've learned that life is not about what I know, nor how good I am. How can I be sure? This may sound way too simple, but I trace it back to a simple faith song I learned as a young child. The song begins like this:

   Jesus loves me, This I know, For the Bible tells me so.

These simple truths of faith have been for me like a solid railing that's in place beside a slippery path so all I have to do is grab hold and hang on tight as I walk.

Want something solid to hang onto for yourself?

Here's a trio of truths to start with:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.   John 3:16 

(Note the "whoever." This promise is for everyone. Everywhere.)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you.   Psalm 32:8

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Once I got it straight in my mind that I am a child of God and He loves me, any uncertainty about figuring out who I was gradually cleared up and life got easier. Although I never got that Miss Popularity crown, it's okay. I know who I am.

I wish the same for you, dear reader,

Lenore 

Simplify Your Life: Be Done with Old Failures

If you're a second-guesser like me, you wonder why we keep replaying what we should have said or done. 

I got new insight the day I once again recited my failures--real and imagined--to my friend "Connie."

She interrupted me with, "Cut that out already!"

Then Connie smiled and told me how she stopped second-guessing herself. "Russ and I have three kids and we've moved around a lot. Early days I wasted too much time fretting about all the ways I coulda/shoulda/woulda been a better person.  

"If I bawled out my tale of woe to Russ, hoping for sympathy, he would hug me and say, 'Aww, just let it go, Hon. It's no big deal.' Most of the time he was right.  

"Still, I couldn't stop myself. Then another friend shared how she managed to stop dredging up times she wondered if she had said or done the wrong thing.   

"She said talking to herself helped. Every morning she spoke Philippians 4:6-7 aloud and asked God to help her live out those verses. Whenever old regrets taunted her, she deliberately turned her thoughts back to those verses. Little by little she gave up blaming herself for being like every other human being who ever lived: Imperfect."  

Finding help

Later I read those Bible verses more slowly and let them play in my mind--and heart. It sounds too simple, but I felt more at peace after that. Here's Philippians 4:6-7 from the NIV:   

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Even now, the hardest of all for me is to leave my burden with God, so this verse speaks to me too:

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.     Psalm 55:22  NIV

Forget overnight transformation 

By now I've relearned this lesson often and my perspective on life has changed. I spend way less time on useless replays. If I do start second-guessing myself, I turn to Philippians 4:6-7 to recover my calm and peace.  

These same verses from The Message paraphrase broaden our understanding of what the Apostle Paul meant:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Be patient with yourself 

I long to tell you I am perfectly calm, day after day, but not yet. Still, I have changed.

Any time I catch myself replaying what is behind me I turn it over to my loving Father and say something like, "Sorry, I blew it again. Lord, help me leave the past in the past. Let me be done with all this angst."

Whenever the nagging thoughts resurface, I repeat the Philippians verses already mentioned and of course, Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brothers (and sisters,) whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.    ESV

Think on these things

Whatever else is happening--or not happening--in our lives, we can only find the good if we look for it and fix our thoughts on Jesus instead of ourselves. 

The bottom line, of course, remains the same. When we trust in Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are forgiven for all our failures, all our sins. Period. 

That's why we can trust promises like Romans 8:28:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good.

Anytime we catch ourselves worn out from running on our mental  hamster wheel of regret, it's time to call a halt. For most of us, our failures in living are more likely an annoyance than a crisis. In other words, they are not worth all the drama.

Loving the adventure of life,  

Lenore

Do You Want a Better Tomorrow? Start Here

It's surprising, but the true basics of making life better often sound too simple.  

I found that to be true back when I was a young mother trying to hold it all together.

No matter how hectic the day, I never missed one syndicated column in our daily newspaper: "The Worry Clinic," written by a Dr. George Crane.

All I knew about "Dr. Crane" was what the tiny blurb at the bottom stated, that he was a licensed, professional counselor. But I liked his column because he mostly avoided psychiatric terminology and spoke plain English. I didn't always agree with him but often I found insights and ideas I hadn't thought about.  

When I stumbled across a reprint of his column it felt like finding a lost friend

While searching for something else on Google, Dr. Crane's piece popped up. Immediately my mind flashed back to the first time I read these same words in our newspaper, then reread them. I clipped his column and taped it to a cupboard door.

After that I read it at least once a day, always asking God to help me stick with it.

One day at a time . . . Soon I noticed myself feeling more calm, more settled. More positive about my life, even though our family hubbub went on as usual.

Time hasn't changed my opinion that this wisdom still rings true

This is said to be an exact reprint of Dr. Crane's original piece, penned over a century ago. (Because of continuing requests it reappeared in his column periodically over the years. )

  JUST FOR TODAY

Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

    (a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

    (b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

    (c) I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for To-day, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible,  talk low, act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit  nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests, Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love love me.

                                                       (Written by Dr. George Crane in 1921)

If I said I ever mastered this list I would be lying

It still provides a checklist of how I want to live and look at life.

I suspect I'm not the only person who feels this way. As a Christian, I recognized it echoed Psalm 118:24:

This is the day that the Lord has made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

At any age, any stage of life, we start with rejoicing and deciding to be glad for the blessing of each day. If we add in Dr. Crane's principles, one by one, our tomorrows can't help being happier.

Working on it, too,

Lenore  

Beware Making Happiness Your Number One Goal

Picture a person who constantly takes a reading on their state of happiness. 

From what I've seen it's not a peaceful way to live. The individual who keeps wanting more can never relax.

How could they? Their self-examination goes on 24/7:

Am I happy today?

Am I as happy as I could be? If not, why not? Is it his fault? Her fault?

Something must be wrong, or I would be happy all the time.

I must be depressed. Maybe I need to see someone so I can get over my depression.

All I really want in life is to be happy!

A University of Denver study reached what seems an implausible conclusion: The more a person wants to be happy the more likely it is that the person will be unhappy.

Now here's the real shocker. Those with the highest desire to be happy and the least amount of stress in their lives almost always rated themselves more unhappy in every measure. 

That doesn't sound right, does it?

These researchers finally concluded that people who every day deal with lots of stress and difficulty do not expect to be happy in the moment. Therefore, these folks are not disappointed when they are not. 

Probably the reason why comes down to simple logic. When getting through each day takes all our energy, both physical and emotional, asking ourselves Am I happy today? can feel irrelevant.

Here's another surprising finding: Those who care for others and do more for others rate themselves higher on the happiness scale than those who don't.

I suspect you and I are not so different from those who participated in that study

When things are going well and we have more leisure, we have time to wonder how we look and how we'll make that payment and how can we get our husbands--or wives--to be more romantic.  

Simply put, we have time to focus on our own flaws--and everyone else's deficiencies, too. Real or imagined, such thoughts are like gnats at a picnic. They prevent us from relaxing and enjoying what's spread in front of us. 

That's when we begin to wonder if we're "really happy."

Some thoughts from a marriage and family counselor in private practice

This professional noticed a trend in her clients. On their first appointment right away many new clients announce to her they are depressed.

When she asks how they know that's true, they answer, "Because I want to be happy more than anything else--and I should be, because there's nothing really wrong with my life.

"But some days I'm just not happy, so that must mean something is wrong. I must be depressed and need counseling. I probably need medication, too."

This counselor said usually the hardest thing is getting clients to understand that nobody lives a life that's 100 percent happy, 365 days a year. Once they accept that fact, they suddenly see more good in their lives.

Don't misunderstand. True depression is serious and it can be debilitating and hard to treat. There are as many variations of this illness as there are people. All that is true. 

This counselor's comments point to an important truth for parents

It's a fact of life that for every human being that some days are good, some not so much. That's life. For every human being.

This means we do our children no favors when we frequently ask, "Are you happy?" Or when we tell them they should be happy.

Letting our children and teens gain experience in dealing with disappointment and failures during their growing-up years helps them be ready to one day live on their own. They learn how to adjust and how to cope with life without sinking under the load. 

It's fair to say we give our kids a lifetime gift when we help them understand this truth and learn to take each day for what it is. Teaching them to search out the good in each day, whether it's judged "good" or "bad." 

The writer of Ecclesiastes capsulized that truth in 7:14 and it's still worth pondering--for all of us:

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

This we know, whatever the situation:

Whatever comes into our lives, God is with us in the midst of it and we never walk alone--unless we insist upon it.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.   Psalm 37:4

Here's the bottom line. Plain-speaking Abraham Lincoln said this long ago and no one has said it better:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

The question for you and me, the question that's applicable every day, whatever our age or life situation is this: What will I choose to think?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Be careful what your facial expression broadcasts

We seldom think about the messages we send the world, but we should.

I got a shocking reminder of that truth one day when I was out shopping. A smiling white-haired lady who looked a bit like my late grandmother put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Aw, Honey, it can't be that bad."

I stared at her in confusion and said, "Excuse me? I don't know what you mean."

Eyes twinkling, she smiled and said, "Well, I noticed you look like you lost your last friend. I just want you to know whatever the trouble is, you'll get through it and it helps to smile. That's all.

"Now you take care of yourself, Sweetie. Whatever's going on with you, it's just life. Sometimes life is hard, but you can do hard, I know you can. You'll be okay."

I thanked her for caring, still mystified.

Then I passed a mirror--and stopped short. She was right. I did look grim.

Do you ever do that?

That day I realized I probably wore that face more often than I knew. Whether I label it "concentration" or "preoccupied," that face was not a good idea. 

• First, because pinching up one's face leads to (gasp!) wrinkles.
• Second, because what people read on our faces affects their moods.
• Third, because if we say we have the joy and peace of Jesus, we'd better look as if we do. Otherwise our words of faith sound empty.
• Fourth--and just as important--it's not fair to the people in our world.

As someone said, we owe the world a happy face

Why? Because you and I affect the people around us. Our families. Our co-workers. Strangers in stores.

Each of them is walking around and dealing with their lives and their problems, which may be all they can manage at the moment. Why should they have to dredge up strength to keep from "catching" our bad moods? 

If you're a mom or dad you probably know that when we parents crackle with tension our kids walk on tiptoe around us.

And if we live in Tension City our children pattern the behavior as the way to live. Our uptight way of coping with life becomes their "normal."

Yes, but "Nobody knows the trouble I seen . . . "

That old spiritual speaks truth, doesn't it? No one can know or feel exactly what another person is living with. As the song says, nobody knows our hurt and pain but Jesus, who says:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28  ESV

"Heavy laden." Don't we feel that way sometimes? 

The NIV translates that verse:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." 

Whether we're feeling overworked and over-stressed, weighed down by cares or stuck in a situation we cannot change, He can give us rest.

It's the only rest that lasts. 

Eight hours of sleep or a nap refreshes temporarily, but deep-down rest for our hearts can be found only one place. In Jesus.

Life. It will wear us down, but Jesus lifts us up. Always. 

The key is to turn our thoughts and our hearts to Him instead of getting mired in the problem-of-the-moment.

He's the One who carries us through each day on His shoulders, who turns our mourning into dancing. 

(Jesus said) "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."     John 16:33  ESV

If we keep our eyes on Him we can be at peace, even during the hard times--and our faces will show it.  

As that kindly lady in the store put it, "Whatever's going on with you, it's just life. Sometimes life is hard, but you can do hard, I know you can."

My friend, you can do hard, I know you can.

I wish you peace and joy in Jesus, today and every day, 

Lenore

Here's a help in understanding people

Some time ago I wondered aloud to a wise friend about what makes each of us--and our kids--tick?

Her "Mayberry" answer came quickly. "Well, nobody does nuthin' for nuthin'--even kids."

Was that poor grammar? Sure, but don't miss the truth of it.  Every one of us, no matter our age, always has a reason for what we do--even when we don't admit it to ourselves:

We expect to get some kind of payoff

If you want to see that principle lived out, simply observe a young child in action.   

Nobody has to teach youngsters how to go after what they want. They're experts at it. After all, they have lots of time to study the grownups around them and figure out what works. 

I watched one skilled practitioner in The Art of Getting What I Want the day I was stuck in the returns line of a local store behind a mom and her daughter, age 4 or 5.

The bored little girl announced she wanted a toy perched atop the "Put Back" cart.

Mommy says "No," so the child begs and gets refused each time. Then she throws a classic hissy fit. 

Mommy stands firm: "No! You heard me. No!"

Little Darling screams, "But I WANT it!"

Mommy refuses to budge, so out come the tears and wails. Still no results.

Then comes the charm blitz. Sobbing, the preschooler sidles up to her mother and hangs on to her leg. "P-l-e-a-s-e, Mommy, Darling? Pretty please with sugar on it?" 

Mommy sighs, then says to the clerk in a resigned tone, "Just add it to the other stuff. Okay?"

Turning to her daughter, she says, "Now this is absolutely the last time! Do you hear me?"

At which this small master manipulator flashes a big grin to all of us, then skips around in circles until Mommy finishes.   

Tactics become more subtle by adolescence and adulthood 

Over the years we become more careful and diplomatic but we still do what we do for some kind of reward:

• To get what we want--or to get our own way
• Because we like the feeling of "winning"
• To make us look good in someone's eyes
• Because we hope it will strengthen a relationship
• We believe in what we're doing. Whatever the cost, we think the end result will be worth what we put into it  

Motivation toward a goal or benefit is not wrong, it's just part of being human. To keep this principle in the back of our minds helps us to understand ourselves and others. 

If this sounds new and strange to you just let it simmer in the back of your mind. Some time later you may replay recent interactions with other people. You may have an aha moment and gain new clarity into an interaction that puzzled you. 

Self-honesty is hard, I know, but take it to the bank: Always, always, always, there is some kind of benefit in what we do--even if it's just self-satisfaction.  

For some, a negative payoff can feel "right" 

Perhaps you worry about someone who over and over seems to fall for a person who doesn't treat them well. You and everyone who cares remain baffled as to why.

Or you may know an individual who repeatedly starts afresh and seems on the way to succeeding. Then this person messes up and has to start over, again and again and again.

Why?

Counselors say it often traces back to messages they picked up as children such as: "You're no good." "You'll never make anything of yourself. You're a loser." "You're such a disappointment to me."  

These individuals may unconsciously sabotage their efforts in order to make those predictions work. For them failure feels like a kind of success because it reinforces what they've always "known" about themselves. "A-ha! I always knew I was a loser and didn't deserve to be happy."

Once again they settle back into familiar territory. It's what they've always known of themselves and feels somehow comfortable.  

What about the rest of us?

It's not childish to want and need some kind of reward, but we don't always get it. Then what do we do? 

• Ever thrown a pity party for yourself and decided comfort could be found in a hot fudge sundae, even though you were on a diet? 
• Ever nursed the feeling you do everything for everybody, but no one even notices? One day you come home with shopping bags--for yourself--and wonder why.
• Ever picked a fight with your husband (or wife) just to get some kind of attention because you were tired of them being wrapped up in their stuff and ignoring you?  

We're more like kids than we want to admit.  

Finding a better way

We human beings never will have absolutely pure motives. As the Bible tells us, we are sinners, flawed and imperfect: 

As it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one;   Romans 3:10

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  1 John 1:8

But God didn't leave us there.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.   2 Corinthians 5:21

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.   Romans 5:1-2

We remain fully human and we fail even ourselves, but we don't have to drag around a load of guilt. Because we're forgiven in Jesus we can leave our messes at His cross and be free of old, negative patterns. Because we belong to Jesus we are secure in God's love.

Now that's somethin' that really means somethin'!

Rejoicing with you,

Lenore