A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Let's Be True to Who We Are

When you look into a mirror who looks back at you?

Is it you as you really are or is it the person you think you should be?

This may seem a silly question, especially since it's a given that every one of us keeps growing and changing all through our lives--until one considers how many people rate their self-worth on the number of "likes" they get on social media. It's as if one's value as a person depends on what other people think of that individual. 

By this logic, someone I never met--and likely never will--gets to tell me if I'm acceptable or not and whether my opinion is valid.

At the very least, isn't this un-American? 

And if that's how we choose to live, doesn't it mean we hand over control of who we are and what we think to other people? To strangers?

With so many opinions floating around in our heads do we even know who we are?

Years ago--in the midst of my adolescent flailing around to find myself--my mom passed on this familiar quote from Shakespeare. She also briefly noted this truth offers a solid standard to live by: 

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Even then I heard the inner click that signaled I needed to hang onto this truth.

Over time I realized my need for this to be true was as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. It explained why I could be troubled about some little cruelty among classmates or about suffering in a far-off country I could barely pronounce. Other kids my age just shrugged and said something like, "Aw, who cares? What does it matter to me?"

(As you might guess, this temperament quality never earned me the title "Miss Popularity.")

When I came to know myself better I realized the people I admired most were those who seemed to share this same need to be authentic.  

When my husband and I met I sensed an inner honesty in him early on. Over a lifetime I found that to be always true. Yes, we disagreed sometimes, as all couples do, but each of us learned to respect the other's right to hold a different, well thought-out opinion. I knew I could trust him to be honest with me and he knew he never had to wonder if I were being truthful with him.

This mutual acceptance helped each of us feel more secure with ourselves and who we were. It also tremendously strengthened our marriage relationship.

United we stood

As parents we tried to anticipate what would be coming next and talk it through so we would be prepared for what came next. Our girls soon learned it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other to wangle permission for something we hadn't discussed.  Our standard reply would be, "Sorry, but your dad (or mom) and I need to talk it over first."

This didn't stop our four lively, ever-changing daughters from trying. Or mounting campaigns complete with informing us that "all the other kids" already had their parents' okay.  

We would listen patiently as they pleaded their case and then often say what they didn't want to hear: "Sorry, Hon, but we can't say Yes. We love you very much, but that wouldn't be for your best and that's what we're here for." 

They still wailed (not wanting to appear too easy) but their pouts didn't last long.  

Did they appreciate at the time that we were trying to be good parents? Not hardly. 

Muddling through life

Isn't that what most of us do? None of us knows the precise path that lies ahead of us, so I'm guessing we do the best we can and try to do what's right.

I'm a Christian and I've learned that life is not about what I know, nor how good I am. How can I be sure? This may sound way too simple, but I trace it back to a simple faith song I learned as a young child. The song begins like this:

   Jesus loves me, This I know, For the Bible tells me so.

These simple truths of faith have been for me like a solid railing that's in place beside a slippery path so all I have to do is grab hold and hang on tight as I walk.

Want something solid to hang onto for yourself?

Here's a trio of truths to start with:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.   John 3:16 

(Note the "whoever." This promise is for everyone. Everywhere.)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you.   Psalm 32:8

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Once I got it straight in my mind that I am a child of God and He loves me, any uncertainty about figuring out who I was gradually cleared up and life got easier. Although I never got that Miss Popularity crown, it's okay. I know who I am.

I wish the same for you, dear reader,

Lenore 

Why it helps us to remember what's good and right and true

Sometimes God chooses unlikely ways to remind us we have a lot to be thankful for, doesn't He?

I won't forget the day I learned a lot by eavesdropping on someone else's conversation.

Let me explain.

One morning I stopped a local coffee shop and soon got jolted out of my private little pity party. (It wasn't much fun, anyway.) 

The hostess seated me in a booth close to a table where two men seemed really intent on their conversation.  

One man had a radio-announcer voice that carried, even though he spoke softly. I couldn't help overhearing and once he started talking I didn't want to miss a word. Besides, I wanted to finish my coffee and snack. I grabbed my trusty note pad and jotted down his key points.   

Here's my best recap of his story

"I have one brother, the only family I have left. We've never been close, but we talked by phone once in awhile. We lived a couple hundred miles apart, so we didn't know much about each other's lives, but that was okay with both of us. 

"One day I got a call from a Child Welfare worker in his city. She told me the police arrested my brother and his wife for dealing drugs. They took his three children out of the house and turned them over to Child Welfare.

"The social worker told me my brother's kids would go into foster care unless my wife and I took them. We were their only hope and she wanted an answer by the next day. I was speechless and my wife even more so. We talked and talked and cried and prayed half the night. At last we said Yes, thinking it would be short-term. 

"Not so. Eventually my brother and his wife were convicted of running a drug ring and both got long prison sentences.  

"It's been hard, hard, hard, even though we've talked to our pastor and friends many times and we've had family counseling. My 9-year old nephew adapted pretty well. My 11-year old niece keeps it all inside, but those two both call us Mom and Dad and really, that's what we are. We're the ones who are there and who will be there, and we love them. They all know that, even the 15-year old.

"She still has nightmares. She rebels in just about every way she can dream up, no matter what we do. We're coming to think perhaps what she needs most is beyond our ability, maybe some kind of special mental-health treatment for awhile, to help her heal.  

"We've prayed and tried to pour out love, but we've also failed in a lot of ways. I think I didn't really know much about talking to God before this upheaval in our lives. One thing I know, we wouldn't have made it without God giving us strength, minute-by-minute. Sometimes we've thought we couldn't keep on, but God has brought us this far, so we trust Him for the future.

"Here's the wonderful surprise and extra blessing in all this. We missed seeing it for quite awhile. Then recently we thought back to the early days of our marriage when the doctors told us we never would have children of our own and we were crushed. Now here we are with three kids, two of them doing very well. Now we are at peace. In spite of all the pain, we have joy and we know we did the right thing."

As I rose to leave I glanced at the men and saw they both had tears in their eyes. They matched my own.

A change of heart 

You won't be surprised to hear I walked out with a new perspective on challenges in my life, my heart brimming with thanks and praise.  

• Thanks for that man and his wife who opened their home and their hearts and changed the lives--and the future--of three hurting youngsters. (And their own.)
  
  
• Thanks to God for supplying the love and strength they needed to give of themselves, day by day, and not count the cost.
  
  
• Thanks that they can see the blessings and joy hidden within their daily sacrifices.

That conversation refocused my thinking in how to look at challenges in my life.

Like that couple, let's open our eyes to the joy!  

The Apostle Paul well knew personal suffering but he also knew how to find joy. I love the way he sums up his secret in Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! ... Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers (and sisters) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things . . . And the God of peace will be with you.                                                    (Selected from Phil. 4:4-9 NIV)

"Rejoice!" It's not a suggestion, it's more like a must. An attitude we choose.

"If anything is excellent or praiseworthy ... " Paul is telling us that whatever comes we can search out some bit of excellence or cause for praise. IF we wear that mindset as we look for it rather than getting stuck in our problems and disappointments. IF we remind ourselves that our loving God never leaves us on our own. 

We will find the good, not because we're so great, but because God is faithful to those who trust in Him.

Trusting, too, 

Lenore

Right Thinking Sets Us Free

Here's a handy acronym to remember: W.I.A.T.                

It stands for Wrong Ideas Appearing True.        

Every one of us carries around at least a few of them in our subconscious.
They lodge  down deep, below the level of our awareness. We may have acquired them long ago, which explains why we have a hard time recognizing mistaken thinking.

Yet these WIATs probably influence us more than we realize. 

• They color our thinking and our mood
  
• They influence our behavior
• They govern the way we look at events and individuals

Some WIATs are silly and we know it

Yet even rational, intelligent people still may accept them as truth. Most of us know at least one person who believes something like this:

• Always leave a building through the same door you entered or it will bring bad luck
• Never say something is going well or you'll jinx it
• If you say you're happy it guarantees you soon will be unhappy

WIATs can be contagious

We spread them to our family and friends as easily as the flu virus.

I think of the young woman friend who always removed every Kleenex pack, umbrella, etc., from her car before she'd leave it for maintenance. When I asked why, she answered, "Well, you know how mechanics are. They'll steal you blind every time."

When did she get that idea? Here's her answer: "Oh, everybody knows it's true. It happens all the time."

"Not to me," I said. "I've never had a problem, neither has anyone in our family."

That stopped her for a moment and then she said, "Well, it happened to my dad. After that he never left his car or truck at a garage or loaned it out without first emptying it out. He warned me to be careful and so I am."

Most of us can't identify the origins of our WIATs so easily.

Be on the alert for notions that don't stand up to logic

We do it all the time. Haven't you ever said something and then asked yourself, Now where did that come from?

Think how often we say something like this:

• I can't wear that color.
• I could never do that. I don't have the brain/talent/strength for such things.
• She would never want to be friends with me. 
  

Sometimes we can trace our bogus thinking back to one of our parents and their thoughtless remarks.

That's not surprising, because children usually accept without question whatever our moms or dads say. Those words, true or false, can dog us for life.

Starting over

Now's the time to clear out old wrong messages and replace them with truth. After all, aren't we wiser now?

Here's a place to start:  

1. Next time you put yourself down, stop and say out loud--or think--"That's not true!"
2. Replace the faulty thinking. State what is true, based on what you know today and your own logic
3. Repeat as often as needed

Yes, I know it sounds too simple, but it works. Just stick with it until you've banished old thinking that's wrong.

(It's true. I've lived these strategies long enough to see many of my WIATs fade away.)

Revamping our wrong notions, once and for all

If we realize we're stuck in old thinking that hurts us more than helps us, it's time to leave it behind. 

Jesus came to set us free, but sometimes even Christians forget that whatever weighed us down in the past need burden us no more: 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. --Psalm 46:1 (ESV)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!                      --2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

In Christ, WIATs lose their power over us. (That doesn't mean we'll never let wrong thinking take hold again.)

From now on let's hold all our ideas up to the light of faith and right thinking and what makes sense now. Let's be free of old thinking!

Learning along with you,

Lenore

 

The day I lost my life and got it back. It could happen to you

The day started off to be a good day. Sunshine. Warm temps. Blooming trees.  

As I drove to my doctor's office a bit of anxiety caught in my throat, so my prayer held extra intensity. Lord, my times are in your hands. Please watch over me and our family. Keep me calm whatever he says and keep me safe, I pray. 

Good lab test results sent me floating out of the office, my mind shouting Thank you, Lord! 

Next I headed to a nearby big-box store, grabbed a cart and as usual, deposited my handbag in the kid-carrier. 

I meandered through the store, then headed toward Checkout. That's when my heart stopped. My purse was not in the cart!

You can imagine my thoughts

My inner critic scolded: Idiot! You've heard the warnings from police. You know better.  

I hightailed it to the Service Desk. Had anyone turned in a purse? No.

I recited my tale to the nice young man from Security. He took off to do a store walk-through. Rather than stand and wait, I walked through the store, too, but found nothing.

Back to the Service Desk to wait.  

Security Guy returns. He found nothing. Calls his boss, who tells him to come view security camera footage.

I wait some more, leaning against a counter.

Security Guy finally returns and reports they saw nothing unusual or questionable on camera footage. 

Well, it's just a purse, Ma'am. Yes, but . . .

What did I have in my handbag?

• Billfold
• Driver's License 
• I.D.
• Bank debit cards
• Credit cards
• Cell phone
• Auto key fob
• Auto club membership card
• House key
• My business cards

Put another way, my handbag held my "life." When I had it.

As I mentally ticked off all the agencies I'd have to try to connect with my head started to pound. 

What next?

Store personnel were kind. Could they call someone for me? Sure, except now that I have a smartphone I never have to remember a phone number, so I don't.

One daughter lives near me, but she kept her Midwest cell phone number through two moves and has no land line phone here. Forget looking up her number. 

By then it was past noon and I hadn't eaten since early morning. No wonder I felt like I couldn't concentrate.  

Thank God for a happy ending

Just then Security Guy came around the corner, holding out a black purse. Was it mine?

Yes! Where did he find it?

Answer, "I walked the store again and looked closer. Something didn't look quite right, so I investigated. I found a black purse wedged behind a display. I don't know how your bag could have flipped out of the cart because the strap isn't long enough to catch on anything. Please, Ma'am, check to be sure you have everything."

I did. Thank you, Lord!

Later I checked the cart and found no cracks big enough for my bag to slide through. How did it get on the floor behind a display? I'll never know.

The lesson to learn--for each of us

How could I make sure this didn't happen again? Here's my plan. (Feel free to borrow anything useful.)

1. Never, never, never deposit a handbag or billfold or cellphone in a shopping cart. 
2. For women, only carry a cross-body bag or a waist bag--and don't lay it down. 
3. Carry a list of essential phone numbers plus a bit of cash, separate from your bag.   
4. OR carry cellphone, cash and key fob in a waist bag.

One friend suggested putting the list in a plastic bag and sticking it behind one's bra. Or in a sock or a pocket. 

Another suggested using a small travel money pouch. They're easily available, they're flat and inconspicuous and can be worn underneath clothing. 

For me, the point is to always have access to what I need to stay in touch with loved ones, be able to drive and unlock my front door. 

It's up to me to be prepared. If not me, then who? 

Was this a time God stopped watching over me?

I don't think so because He keeps His promises.

The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.  -Psalm 121:18

Besides, I didn't lose my "life" for good and I didn't have to call all those contact numbers to get licenses and cards reissued, nor have my locks changed. 

I experienced a couple of trying hours, but my loss was temporary.

Was God teaching me through all this? Probably. (Doesn't He always?)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you.  -Psalm 32:8

Did this experience have a point? Yes. Loud and unmistakable: I need to be watchful--not paranoid, just watchful.

Make no mistake

I was humbled that day and embarrassed, but I don't consider it a waste. If nothing else, I can pass it on as a caution to others.  People like you.  

Perhaps you, too, have heard official warnings a million times and you didn't listen, either. 

Maybe it's time.  

Still learning, obviously, 

Lenore

A change in perspective can change your life

Can you think of a time when you felt sorry for yourself?

Most of us can. I confess to being, um, a little bit familiar with that unfortunate state of mind.

Like the time we moved to a city about an hour's drive from the place I loved.

Let's just say that move was not my idea. Not ever. Not even a little bit.

My sweet, loving husband found it exhilarating. A move up in his profession. A new challenge. His only question was, "What's not to like?"

Logic told me he was right, but logic didn't change my heart.

Without family near us and no connections, I felt alone and adrift.

Yet I absolutely knew God arranged this position for my husband, so I kept reminding myself He must have something here for me, too.

But what? Where?

My husband packed his days with appointments and meeting new people. I drank tea and read books. One empty day I noticed a newspaper listing for a community non-denominational women's Bible study. What did I have to lose?

The next day I grabbed my Bible and drove to the host church. To my surprise and delight, parked cars stretched for blocks in all directions.

When time came for the teaching leader to expound on the week's chosen text from Exodus. She vividly recounted the story of God freeing the Israelites from captivity in Egypt.

That day the familiar story from Sunday School sounded brand-new to my heart. 

The marvel of God's power 

You may remember how God set the children of Israel free from slavery in Egypt, then soldiers in chariots came after them all the way to the Red Sea. Before they got there God parted the waters so His people could walk on dry land across the seabed. Once the Israelites were across, God released the waters. The pursuing Egyptians, along with their horses and chariots, were lost.

God did not abandon His people to the elements. During their time in the wilderness He provided a continuing supply of pure water, plus Manna every morning and flocks of quail every twilight.  

And yet the people grumbled.

Exodus 16 tells us they looked back fondly to Egypt--and slavery--because they liked the food better.

The truth that hit home

Our study leader asked us, "Are you wandering around in a dry, dusty wilderness of your own making?"

I gulped. It seemed she was looking right into my heart.

Another question: "Are you murmuring against God because the specifications of your life are not exactly as you would choose?"

She couldn't have known that her words exactly described my outlook on our new life, the one God had given us. 

Nothing changed, but everything changed. 

Once I took my eyes off Poor Pitiful Me and looked for the good in our new situation I found quite a lot.

(My husband said he got his wife back--and here I thought he hadn't noticed.)

I've never forgotten that lesson: Look for the good, whatever the situation

Last week I ran across an old prayer I've loved for years.

Someone found it in the pocket of an unknown Confederate soldier, a casualty in the U. S. Civil War, 1865:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;

    I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things;

    I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy;

    I was given poverty, that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;

    I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;

    I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.

    I am among all men most richly blessed.

Those simple, eloquent words touch my heart every time I read them and remind me of all the times I, too, got "nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for."

Dear reader, I pray you always stay tuned to see God's blessings in your life.

Love from your fellow learner,

Lenore