A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What would it take to make you happy?

 A lot of people spend a lot of time wondering and speculating about  the If Onlys of life:

    If only I could meet the right person and fall in love, then all my dreams would come true . . .

    If only we had better communication then our marriage would be perfect . . .

    If only we had a baby then I know it would draw us closer . . .

    If only I were a better mother and he were a better father . . . 

    If only I were a better father and she were a better mother . . .

    If only our kids went to better schools . . .

    If only we earned more money . . .

    If only we had a bigger/newer/nicer house in a better neighborhood, then life would be perfect . . .

    If only our children already were through school and had good jobs and were married to the right people then I could stop worrying about them . . .

     If only I had the body I used to have . . .  

    If only growing older weren't so scary . . .

    If only . . . then . . .

    If only . . .

    If.

There's a term for that: "Mythical thinking"

That's what mental health professionals call it. Mythical thinking keeps us dreaming of a place where everyone and everything is--or could be--perfect.  

Here's the problem with that. If we spend too much time daydreaming about Make Believe Land we inevitably fixate on what's wrong and miss out on what's right before us.

When we do that we put on blinders that shut out the sweet reality of our lives:

• The beauty all around us, God's intricate creation.  
• The small, kind gestures of people in our lives. (Like the stranger who held the heavy door open when we were balancing shopping bags.)
• The fun of watching our children grow into themselves, little by little over the years. 

You and I weren't born wearing blinders

Whether we realize it or not, we choose them and put them on all by  ourselves.

When we spend too much time daydreaming we easily get all wrapped up in ourselves. Self-absorption crowds out the needs and wants of others and robs our lives of joy.

The thought and energy we invest in concentrating on what or who could be better takes us out of the day we're living. It eats up time that otherwise might be spent building friendships and closer family relationships. 

As one wise man said, the life of one who lives like that is bounded on all four sides by the personal pronoun, "I."

Most likely we'll fail to notice God's daily blessings to us, large and small. Then we don't get to experience the joy of them. We likely won't even to think to say, "Thank you, Lord."

Concentrating on ourselves also makes us less likely to encourage the people around us with smiles and a few good words, such as: "Thanks!" "Good for you!" "I'm so proud of you!"

Some of us are thinking, Yes, but this is me, this is how I am. I don't know how to change. What am I supposed to do about that?

First comes being willing to be willing to change. With choosing to live in the now and to love in the now.  

How do I start?

I'm no professional, but I know that we always have a choice what outlook we wear around.

It seems to me what God said to the Israelites applies to us, too:

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.   Deuteronomy 30:19  

Then we ask for help from the One who never takes His loving eyes off us:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1   

Any time our past failings threaten to swamp us, the One who makes all things new is waiting: 

If anyone is in Christ he (or she) is a new creation; the old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2  Corinthians 5:17   

What does it mean to be "in Christ?"

There's no big list of requirements here. When we trust in Jesus Christ as our Savior and aim to live by that faith, we are "in Christ." 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.  John 3:16-17  

That's the starting place and the ending place. 

So how can we be happy? 

Choose life! Choose to be alive in the moment and to see all the ways God has been--and is--blessing you. 

Choose life in Jesus Christ and know the inner peace that comes with that.  

There's no other way to bring deep-down happiness that fills in your empty places and brings contentment that lasts.

Still growing,  

Lenore

 

 

What we can learn from the oyster

This may sound a bit outlandish, but hang in there and read on. I promise there's a logical connection.

Did you ever notice how quickly we pick up on it when someone criticizes us or seems to judge us negatively?

Praise may inhabit the same sentences, but we miss that.

In one effortless leap, we pounce on the negative and camp out. 

The thought lingers like pesky grains of beach sand that refuse to rub off or wash off.  

I wonder what she meant by that?   

How can he expect me to ...?    

Who does she think she is?

We brush the offender away, but it returns in the middle of the night, unbidden.

Always, we choose what to do with it

We can keep it, nurse it and turn it into a pet. 

We can blow it up until it blots out the rest of our otherwise good life.

If we take either path, this thing will grow into hardness of heart and that becomes as unyielding as a chunk of granite.

Before long we develop a worrisome habit and find intentional slights and hurts lurking in every conversation. It doesn't matter whether anyone else agrees. We know what that speaker meant.  

Good advice from a wise friend for how to handle times like this

A Bible teacher once laid out some strategies about this topic to our group.

• Hold your perception up to the light and examine it as objectively as you can. Discard what you know is false.
  
• Pluck out any truth you find and weigh its worth. If you need to, swallow hard and face it. 
  
• Consider carefully before you speak up, knowing you have no power to change another person's mind.
  
• State the facts calmly, without heat. Without argument.
  
• Apologize when you know you need to, even if it doesn't feel comfortable. Do it for your own clear conscience and your peace of mind.
  
• Decide to leave your wounded pride at the cross--and don't pick it up again.
  
• Pray for a heart of love toward the one(s) who hurt you.

Let's learn from the oyster

Oysters that take in pieces of grit may form pearls of incredible luster over time.  Similarly, irritating experiences can produce something beautiful in us.

If we let them.

All it takes is letting go of our pain and leaving it behind at the cross. (Yes, I know that's hard.)

Listen to what Jesus told his followers in John 10:10:

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

The full life. Peace of mind and heart. Joy down deep, where it lasts and where it matters.

Speaking of Jesus ... 

It's not that long since Christians all over the world celebrated Easter. Why do we mark this wonderful event every year? Here's why, in a nutshell:

Jesus came. He lived and died, really died. Three days later He burst out of his grave, fully alive, and in his human body He walked and talked to many people. He ate with His friends. By His life and death Jesus made peace between us and God. He came to make us new and set us free from the power of sin in our lives. That's what Easter is all about--and Jesus came for all people.

And that's why we can be at peace, with no need to take offense when someone else sounds critical of us. It doesn't matter and our self-esteem need not be diminished one bit. We have all we need in Jesus.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.   John 3:16-17  ESV

That's why we Christians rejoice over Easter.

That's why we can forgive others when they unintentionally--or even intentionally--speak thoughtless words that hurt us. In Jesus we can let it go and pay no attention..

Life is too precious to waste on hurt feelings. Let's "grow pearls" instead.

Learning, too,

Lenore

Did someone mess up your Camelot?

Some of us may be thinking that right now.

Camelot, the stuff dreams are made of.

Camelot, the mythical kingdom where the flowers always bloomed and the sun always shone. Perfection.

In that magical place no maiden ever felt a pang of distress for long because somehow, a brave knight always waited to rescue her--and just in time.

Ladies in elaborate gowns sipped tea and cakes--yet never had to boil or bake.

Never was heard an angry word and tranquility reigned, at least on the surface. 

Ah, Camelot. Or if you prefer, Downton Abbey.

Either one will do--provided it comes with a downstairs staff and Mr. Carson.

The problem is, you and I live in the real world

With real people. 

People we find hard to tolerate, not because they've harmed us but because, well, just because. Who needs more reason than that? 

People with whom we may disagree. Strongly. Yet here we are living in the same world, maybe right next door to each other.

Business associates and political leaders--whoever they are--probably will let us down and we will chafe at them even being allowed to hold power of any kind. 

On a personal level, sometimes even the best of us let each other down. Husbands fail wives and wives fail their husbands. Parents fail their children--and vice versa. Friends walk out of our lives and we don't know why.

All this is part of the human condition. If we expect any person in our lives to be perfect, it's a dream more elusive than Camelot.  

And we set ourselves up to be disappointed because we human beings are, well, human. That is, flawed.

The trick is to stop looking "out there" and focus on what's good 

Most of us can call to mind at least a few times we under-valued what we have. That's a waste. When we take it for granted we can forget we are blessed .  

How we live, how we treat the people in our lives and the choices we make are within our control. That's true whoever we are and whatever our life situation.

Even if everything is stripped away, we still decide our outlook on life.

Will we keep a running list of what we lack or will we open our eyes to ways we are blessed?  

It's our own four walls that spell home and warmth, not those stunning houses we see on HGTV.

It's the flesh-and-blood people in our lives who fill our hearts and give life meaning, not the "beautiful people" we may read about or admire on TV. 

It's our own bodies and health we need to care for, whatever our shape or size and whatever the state of our health.

God gifts us with each day and that alone is reason to celebrate.

Perhaps it's time for a turnaround in our thinking

First comes the knowing. Then comes the will to appreciate who we are and what we have.  

Can we change? Absolutely. We just need to take the Apostle Paul at his word.  

[This is what the LORD says] "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"  --Isaiah 43:18-19  NIV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  --2 Corinthians 5:17   NIV

In Jesus Christ, we are new, with new eyes. And we can turn to him as long as there's breath in our bodies. 

As for Camelot--or Downton Abbey--I'd love to visit sometime. But I wouldn't trade the joys and challenges of relating to real life and real people. 

(Still, it would be nice to have a downstairs staff, don't you think?)

Blessings,

Lenore

If you want a happier tomorrow, make today good

That sounds too simple to be life-changing, doesn't it?  

I thought so, too, until I made up my mind to try it. 

At the time I was a frazzled young mother. I never missed one syndicated column in our daily newspapers, "The Worry Clinic," written by a Dr. George Crane.

I knew nothing about "Dr. Crane" except what the tiny blurb at the bottom stated, that he was a licensed, professional counselor.

It impressed me that he avoided throwing around psychiatric and medical terminology. I didn't agree with everything he wrote, but often his column gave me insights and skills I needed.  

"Just for today"

One day Dr. Crane's column appeared as shown below with this plan to make each day better.

A plan. Yesss!

I dreamed of instant transformation, but this plan laid out one manageable step at a time. Simple enough, right?

I confess, like a toddler just learning to walk, I "fell down" often. 

I chose mornings as my proving ground. Each day I would be cheerful and lively, even on dark mornings when I yearned to go back to bed. 

Before long I realized by the time everyone got launched for the day what I felt inside matched the words I spoke and I felt good about life. 

Did I change? Yes. Could I see the effect it had on my family and people around me?  

Without a doubt.

Finding this reprint felt like finding a lost friend

Not long ago I was Googling for something else and this piece popped up.  

My mind flashed back to the first time I read these words in our newspaper--and reread it two or three times. Then I taped it to my kitchen cupboard door.

After that I read it at least once a day, always asking God to help me stick with it.

One day at a time I kept at it and began to notice myself feeling more calm, more settled. More positive about my life, even though the lively family hubbub went on as usual.

Wisdom that still rings true

This is said to be a reprint of Dr. Crane's original piece, penned almost a century ago. Because of many requests it reappeared in his column periodically over the years. 

                                                  JUST FOR TODAY

Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

    (a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

    (b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

    (c) I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for To-day, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible,  talk low, act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit  nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests, Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love love me.

                                                                        (Written by Dr. George Crane in 1921)

If I said I ever mastered this list I would be lying

Yet it still provides a checklist of how I want to live and look at life.

I suspect I'm not the only person who feels that way, or else why would his words still be around?

As always, we can find the same truths in the Bible, as in Psalm 118:24 (ESV.)

This is the day that the Lord has made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

Rejoicing and being glad is where we start. Then as we add in Dr. Crane's principles, one by one, our tomorrows can't help being happier.

Growing, too,

Lenore

How to shed old messages that hold us back

Some of us are stuck in yesterday.

We still hear the critical voices of our parents or teachers or the taunts of childhood friends.  

In times of clear thinking we remind ourselves they belong in the past, but then logic fades. Old hurts and doubts resurface and hang around, so we must fight the battle all over again.

Sure, we know no one had a perfect childhood and all the rest.

But here we are, still weighed down a lot or a little by wrong messages from the past. Why?

And what can we do to live free of that load? Here's a place to start:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Psalm 118:24  NIV

Begin by recognizing painful words for what they are

This story is about our friend "Tim," but it could just as well be about "Tina".

Tim grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Especially his children.

When they came home excited because they got good grades or had won some award, their dad would laugh and ask, "Oh, getting the big head, are we?"

Every. Time.

The boy became the teenager became the adult. Everyone else considered Tim a success story.

Everyone but Tim.

Whenever things went his way at work or his wife told him she was proud of him, Tim heard his father's voice taunting him with the same hurtful question.

He felt hopeless. Would he--could he--ever be free? 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Psalm 32:8  NIV

He started thinking differently during a meeting with his men's group from church  

The study included doing a self-assessment of their lives, starting with this question:  

So who am I now? Today?

Tim mentally ticked off how hard he worked and all the ways he had grown. He thought of his wife and their strong marriage and about the good life they were building together.  

Their three children brimmed with health and earned good grades consistently. He liked his job and considered it more than just a paycheck. He enjoyed his friends at work.  

His next thought surprised him:

This is my life today, my present reality--and it is good! I have a lot to be thankful for!  

Then Tim thought of the sad little boy who grew up believing he could never measure up and wished he could give him a big hug.

At last he felt proud of his younger self. New faith insights showed him how he survived those years:  

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9  ESV

Seeing clearly at last

"For perhaps the first time, I added up the many ways my dad was a walking disaster back then. Constantly putting all of us down made him feel better about his own messed-up life.

"Once I understood that, I could let it go.

"Now and then I still hear Dad's critical voice in my head. When I do, I answer it with today's truth, which is that I like my life and what I've become. Sometimes my answers remind me I'm getting off track and that's good, too.

"It's strange, but now Dad's old question feels like a friend who asks hard questions and reminds me what I'm about." 

 (The Lord says:) "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"  Isaiah 43:18-19  ESV

Old truths endure

Long ago I found a quote which at the time brought me up short because I needed to hear its truth. It comes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D. 

"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters."

At first reading that ancient wisdom may sound harsh, but take another look. Its timeless truth can move us out from being stuck in false assumptions of the past.

Think of it as a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life.

The only thing we have within our power to control is how we think about what comes into our lives.

I don't know about you, but I'm forever relearning that principle. 

By the way, the Greek philosopher did not originate this wisdom

Take a look at Proverbs 23:7:

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.  NKJV

Lasting truths, ours for the taking.

Whether we're troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, this one-liner covers it. When we change our thinking, we change our lives.

Warmly,

Lenore