A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Proven Pointers for Strengthening Your Marriage

"And they lived happily ever after..."

That's what everyone is looking for, isn't it?

Somehow the sound of that phrase causes us to think there's a kind of magic that settles like morning dew upon the woman and man who fall in love and promise to love each other for life. Surely this means life will be bliss, day after day.

Doesn't it?   

Well, not quite. Not for two human beings, imperfect as we all are. Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

What is true is that like every other living thing, even the best marriage takes T.L.C. Regularly. That is, both marriage partners nurture and look out for each other.

For life.

"Love," by itself, is not enough

I'm not a professional, but a lot of Christian counselors tell us there is a secret to growing a strong marriage and it's pretty clear-cut. Here's the formula:

We before You

You before Me.

We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires. 

You: Each of us places the other's needs and wants ahead of having it our way. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

Me:  What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be ranks last. 

The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds yelling, "I want it my way!" 

Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

Once you have clear answers to those questions, you know how to weigh your choices. 

Don't be threatened when one or the other's expectations seem to change a bit here and there over time. It's not just young children who have "stages".

What matters is that your sense of oneness stays alive--and grows stronger. 

Keep first things first

When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage comes first with me." 

All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other. 

That's life. For everyone.  

Add in new joys and challenges

Children bring blessings with them, but they interrupt time together for Mom and Dad. This calls for ingenuity to make sure you stay connected as a couple.

Why bother? Because the two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

Whether you realize it or not, your darlings are watching how you interact with each other. They smile and feel all warm inside when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile." 

Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They feel reassured they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.    

As you two give each other the gift of love you also give your children the gift of inner stability.

How can a couple keep love alive?

Make it a habit to find your own way to snatch some time for the two of you every day, like after work. Be prepared, perhaps by keeping a special snack drawer and healthy veggies in the fridge. Hungry youngsters well may consider this time a treat if you allow them to watch special programs or the like. 

This frees up a bit of time when Mom and Dad adjourn to a quiet corner--even in the same room--where you can reconnect and talk with fewer interruptions. 

Be creative. It's all about finding what works for you.

First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

Speak words of love, too

Just hearing the words sincerely spoken helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building strength into the marriage. When one or the other has had "one of those days," it will lift both your spirits as you gently mention qualities you see in them and truly admire.  

Many counselors advise couples to hold hands, which means facing each other eye-to-eye--even when you are not in the mood. Even if it feels forced, just this skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

Day after day, each one's words matter and have a lasting effect on both.

Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Again and again we will fail

But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other--and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter. 

It is achingly lonely to be stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.  

Could it ever be too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.  

Even if only one partner changes--and perseveres--the effect can be positive. Healing can begin, something to build on.

A husband and wife who seek to live out these principles develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows and becomes a firm foundation. Love grows and blooms. 

This translates into a marriage that lasts.

Enduring wisdom to live by

The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians and it also describes how to keep a marriage strong. Here is Philippians 2:2-5, as it reads in the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase: 

Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

Whether married or single, here's to living strong in Jesus! 

May your heart be filled with His love and peace and joy,

Lenore

A fresh take on "Love your neighbor"

Sometimes a slight twist of our perspective leads to major changes.

That happened to my husband and me the week our entire family went to summer camp on the shore of Lake Michigan.

At the time we lived on and operated a dairy and grain farm, with all the constant responsibility that implies, plus we had four lively children.

Between cows and crops and kids, both of us were running on fumes by July and needed a break.

Needed time.

Needed to find each other again.

Then we heard of a long-established, well-respected Christian family camp. We could drive there from our Illinois farm.

And, oh bliss! Every day would offer age-appropriate programs and daytime activities for kids and teens, all supervised by well-screened youth counselors and leaders.   

 No cooking. No cleaning. No kids during most of the day, with family free time in the evenings. What's not to like?

Heaven on earth, here we come!

We arrived on a Sunday afternoon 

Next morning we escorted our four girls to their age-appropriate activities, signed them in and walked away. They would be safe and have fun for the next 5 or 6 hours. Yippee!

That first day we two decided to "try out" the adult Bible study led by a pastor from the Northwest.    

He started off with something like this. "Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Let's think this through. Who is my closest neighbor?"   

Silence for a moment. 

Then he hooked us with these words. "Answer: Our families. Nobody is a closer neighbor than the people we live with and share a life with. Nobody more deserves to be treated kindly and considerately.

"After all, they're the ones who every day have to deal with us. Us, with our individual quirks and habits." (Laughter.)

Then he launched into lively personal examples. As always, I took notes. 

His first illustration made me squirm 

"Every morning when I'm ready to eat breakfast with my wife, I never know what to expect. Most of the time she's a sweetheart. But sometimes, blame it on PMS, or a dreary day or whatever, she sighs a lot, slams cupboard doors and bangs the dishes around. At our house, that's not a good sign."

(I didn't look at my husband and was glad he didn't give me the elbow.)

"So every morning I have a choice. Will I give back what she is giving out? Or will I, even on those mornings, remember that my call as a Christian is to love her? 

"To love her even when I know I'm in for another tough day at work. Even if I'm not sure whether we can cover all the bills this month.  

"My first call as a Christian husband is to love my wife. Period. And a Christian wife has the same call toward her husband."

You could have heard a pin drop in that packed auditorium 

His simple words shot down every excuse and self-justification I could think of. 

"You may wonder if this principle also applies to us as Christian parents," he said. "In one word: Yes.

"Parenting is hard!" (Applause all around the room.) "For those raising children on their own it's even harder, yet the challenge remains the same: To live out love unconditionally as best they can.  

"My three children often charm me, irritate me, baffle me, embarrass me, disappoint me, bring me to tears. But it doesn't matter. That's all part of rearing these gifts of God. 

"As their dad, my call is to keep on loving them through it all." 

Each day our teacher opened his heart and helped us look deeper into living out our Christian faith and pointed out the many places the Bible says the Holy Spirit is our Helper.

His words were water on our dry, dusty hearts

Our wilted spirits slowly revived and bloomed again. The invisible distance between us melted and our usual oneness returned.

Did my husband and I immediately morph into ideal spouses who never again got impatient with each other? Not likely.

But we gained new understanding and turned a corner in our thinking. The last afternoon we promised each other we would do our best to live out love every day. 

And over the years, we did, sometimes slipping and sliding along the way but hanging on.

Jesus knew we would find this a challenge    

He tells us to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

"AS yourself."

That's the "ouch factor" in those words, isn't it? The one that sets us coming up with "Yeah, buts."

It gets easier when we remember what that study leader at Camp stressed over and over:

"Love" is more than an emotion. To live out love means to do what's loving--and this we control.   

That surprised me then and it still does

Looking at love this way means we needn't first try to dredge up emotion from within ourselves. We don't have to feel loving to demonstrate love. To act in loving ways.

When we simply do what love calls for it's not long before our feelings match our actions.  

But that's the point, isn't it? When Jesus told us to love he did not mean to love when we're in the mood and the rest of the time, forget it.

Let's keep the order straight

Jesus sums it up in Mark 12:30-31:  

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.   

After this comes:  

The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.   

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us.   1 John 4:19  NIV

Along the way, let's be kind to ourselves, too. Sometimes we will fail and need to start over, simply because we're human beings. That's a good time to remind ourselves of this truth: 

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.   Romans 5:8  ESV

Our forgiveness in Christ means we are not condemned when we fall short of loving unconditionally. Instead, we are free to start over and go on, living our faith and growing stronger.

Best of all, we're not left on our own

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.   Romans 15:13   ESV

Let us rejoice and be glad!   

Lenore   

You can build inner strength within your marriage and family

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" is the title of a 1970 Stevie Wonder hit song. 

Sounds like a quickie description of most romantic novels and movies, doesn't it? After endless challenges the two in love finally make it to THE wedding.

The chase is over, the vows are spoken and love and bliss without end. No more effort required. Guaranteed.

File this under "Fairy Tales."

You and I and every other human being star in our own reality show called "Life."

Before long every real life couple comes to understand their wedding ceremony began a life of discovery, even when they thought they knew everything about each other beforehand.

Surprises are as inevitable as mosquitos on a summer night

Since each one keeps changing and growing for life, how could it be otherwise?  

Think about typical life situations:

Changes in financial situation, for whatever reason.  

Switching jobs. Moving, perhaps because one spouse receives a great job offer.

Health conditions, whether physical, mental or emotional. 

Starting a family--or choosing not to.  

Add in whatever issues may exist or arise within each one's extended family. 

The love you started with is tested. Tried. Proven true and strong, whatever comes. Call it love in action, love with a purpose. 

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.   1 John 3:18

A marriage is like an ocean liner

The port side of a cruise ship cannot decide to head north while the starboard side chooses to head south. 

Even in good strong marriages sometimes one spouse feels pulled toward a direction that leads the other to think, No way!  

Any change of direction means unsettledness. My husband and I lived that a time or two.  

We learned the value of simply talking to each other and also spending more time reading the Bible. Prayer--talking to God and honestly sharing our emotions helped keep us calm and at peace.  

Sounds too simple, I know, but this reminded us that He knows the way ahead--and He promises never to leave us on our own.

One particular time we contemplated a big change--and then lived it. We planned as carefully as we could. Then came a period of delays and disappointments. I hung on tight to Bible verses like Psalm 139:9-10, David's beautiful expression of trust in the faithful God he loved and worshiped:  

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.   

Life can feel overwhelming at times 

Times of unsettledness make us vulnerable to reciting various "what ifs, either to ourselves or to others." Steer clear of the "if-then" trap, too, even in self-talk.

Often our only choice is how we will respond. One rule-of-thumb is start with refocus and trust, adjust to the present reality and grow some more. 

Shore each other up with frequent gentle reminders that your love remains strong and stable. 

Thread faith through every day. Turn your mind to promises that God is faithful and kind.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.    Romans 8:28 

Predictable causes of disharmony 

One frequent issue, especially today, stems from one or the other spouse feeling they give more than the other. This quickly morphs into a joyless practice of checking off boxes and keeping score. 

The idea that "we're in this together" flies out the window.

This runs counter-intuitive to popular thinking, but the better choice is to choose the way of love.   

Marriage was never intended to be a 50-50 arrangement, but rather 100-100. The attitude is that wife and husband each decide to give of themselves completely.

Be flexible, each one ready to give and take as needs and situations change. This quiets the "You always" and "You never" arguments. Home becomes more the peaceful, loving place both yearn for it to be.  

Easy? Never, but the Apostle Paul tells us how to love this way:

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.   Ephesians 4:2-3

Every marriage unites two unique individuals 

What works for you may not work for your best friends--and vice versa. That's okay. If your marriage and family are built on love, faith and mutual respect, be glad and thank God for His blessing.  

Marriage teaches us a lot about ourselves and widens our understanding. It's good to keep talking, even when you don't want to. Otherwise the distance between you widens. 

Strive always to look through each other's eyes rather than just your own.

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.   Colossians 3:14

Every day counts

Later in our marriage my husband and I understood that even our hard times were seasons of growing, individually and together. Growing stronger as a married couple. Finding peace within our relationship and our life. 

Did it come naturally to us? No, but few worthwhile goals are easy.

We came to see the deep wisdom and value of Jesus' words in Luke 6:31 as a prescription for every day:  

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."

This day-by-day effort brings rewards beyond the obvious

Were we perfect? Never. Did we ever hit rough spots? Of course. All couples do. But we were in it for life, so that meant always trying to pull together and keep on loving.  

Somehow we only partially understood that our children were watching us and listening to us--particularly when we weren't talking to them.  As adults they admitted this went on all through the years they were growing up. 

Still, we did something right. At different times each one--now married themselves--told us that our marriage provided them the role model by which they related in their marriages.   

Were we surprised? Oh, yes, and humbly thankful.  

Humble? Yes

We two ordinary people met and fell in love while we were still in high school and married a couple of years later.  

What we had going for us was that we loved each other totally and each of us trusted Jesus as our Savior. We aimed to live out the faith we shared--and we had teachable hearts  

Always, we prayed for guidance and our loving Lord never left us to struggle on our own. 

He will do the same for any believer who asks.  

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.   James 1:17

May you know His joy in your life, my friend,

Lenore

Building a marriage that lasts

Do you realize that you and your husband (or wife) might be poster children for marriage?

After all, you cared enough to commit--and you're still married. Every day you decide again to love each other.

One day at a time you keep on loving and keep on growing.

If you doubt that you've grown, take a look back. Notice how your marriage relationship has deepened and strengthened since you said, "I do.". How you have a new understanding of what it means to love your spouse.

This screams against the plot of almost every TV show and movie. If marriages are shown, most often they are depicted as troubled relationships. Married or single, people sleep around. It seems to be standard fare to include cynics and bitter divorcees as secondary figures.  

Off the screen, where are others to find a positive image of marriage if not from people like you and your spouse? 

Notice, I did not say, "perfect marriage partners."

Marriages endure not because the husband and wife are perfect, but because they love and they are willing.

Willing to forgive. 

Willing to work through the tough stuff of life together.

Willing to keep at it and try again. And again. And again.

The Apostle Paul tells us how to accomplish that:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.   Ephesians 4:32                                 

Everybody has "issues." Get over it

That's a lesson many of us have to learn along the way. 

Children and singles think in terms of, "I, me and mine." As a married couple, life gets happier--for both--when each one frames life in terms of, "you, us and ours."

One day it's this person whose needs take first priority, the next it's the other. In a marriage, in a family, it's give-and-take. Without keeping score.

In a marriage, if one person always "wins," both lose.

This requires us to learn to do what may not come easily. For example, instead of harping on faults, real or imagined, we strive to commend strengths and affirm what's good.

Do we all fail? Yes. Can we fail and yet be worthy of love? Yes. Those of us who are Christians know what it means to be forgiven and loved and accepted in Christ, so it becomes a matter of passing on what we've been given.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8                                                                                                   

Just "being there" counts

So you're not perfect. No one is--or can be. But you are there.

When you stay, you give your kids a gift beyond price. Your children will know the balance of having a mom and a dad. Moms provide the, "Oh, be careful! You could get hurt!"

Dads say, "Aw, you'll be fine. Go for it!" 

Children do best when they grow up with that mix of caution and daring.

As you stay, you model for your children that you believe in marriage and consider your life as a family worth what it takes to keep it going. You give your kids an example that will strengthen them when they marry. 

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.   1 John 4:11

You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers

Some may be disillusioned and uncertain about marriage because they tried it and ended up divorced. Singles may think they don't want to risk because they think at some point divorce would be inevitable. 

Seize openings to come alongside, not to pressure anyone, but simply to share how God strengthens you. Tell them he supplies the love you need to forgive each other and to keep on. Your words carry weight because you are living out what you say.

This already qualifies you to encourage other couples who've hit a rough spot.

You don't need to be an expert or play games. You point them to Help when you humbly say, "My husband (or wife) and I couldn't make it if we didn't know we can lean on the Lord."

As you do, you witness to the value of marriage, but also that you belong to Christ. 

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:1-2   

It's a given that no one can do this flawlessly, but in every situation, every time, we can put our hearts and our prayers into doing and saying what builds up, rather than in being proven "right." 

Lovingly,

Lenore

For those days when home life feels bumpy

Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.  

Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated. 

I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but .... 

 I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day. 

Trying to shift gears for my day

I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.  

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning
How wearily all the day
the words unkind
would trouble my mind, that
I said when you went away;
I would have been more careful, darling;
nor given you needless pain;
But we vex our own
with a look and tone
We may never take back again.

For though in the quiet evening
You may give me the kiss of peace;
Yet, it might be, that never for me
The pain of the heart may cease.

How many go forth in the morning
and never come home at night,
and hearts have broken
for harsh words spoken

That sorrow can never set right.

                                            --Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Before I got to the end . . .

Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.  

As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.  

That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."  

Truths more lasting than any poem

These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well. 

[Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?"   Matthew 7:3-4  ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7  ESV

When my husband and I reunited later that day . . . 

I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

Small insights can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?  

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days. 

As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other--and with ourselves--even though we thought we already were.

You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think--and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.  

Fruit that is sweet.

May it do the same for you, my friend,

Lenore

Take a fresh look at dear old Dad

Fathers come in all shapes and sizes and all personalities.

One thing is common to all: Even the best of them have--or had--flaws because, well, they're human beings.

Some dads provide for their family and are physically present, but they remain detached emotionally. Others live with one goal: Provide for their family and give them what they need, plus surround them with love.   

Perhaps the man who reared you and did his best to love you wasn't your "natural father," so you shut him out. Now you know he endured pain, too. Why not speak (or write) a few words of respect--and gratitude?  

Some of us can't get past our list of what we lacked while growing up

What better time to take a new inventory? You might see there were blessings sprinkled in, too, and you never noticed.  

Maybe your loving, stressed-out mom had to go it alone, but an "outsider" in your life nurtured you and influenced you in ways that built strength. A teacher, a coach, a neighbor, or just a kind individual who knew when a kid needs a friend. That's a gift, you know. Have you ever thanked this person?  

All these men--or father figures--were there. They gave of themselves, however imperfectly. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Father's Day offers the perfect "excuse" to say the words that matter. Do it now.

And thank God, too, for what was--and is--love.  

Love is patient and kind ... Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.     1 Corinthians 13:1a, 7  ESV

When if you missed out on all that?  

Maybe you're muttering, "Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk!"

Maybe your dad wasn't there--or he just showed up once in awhile. 

That hurts down deep and it's easy to get stuck in what you missed out on. The only way I know to be free of that weight is to let it go. Lay it at the cross of Jesus and move on. Look for what's good now.

One more thing: Revisit your memories, slowly, thoughtfully. Ask God to show you any glimmers of blessing you might have missed and thank God for that.  

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32  ESV 

Say it now, while you can 

Perhaps it feels like it has been too long and words are hard to find. Set aside your discomfort and do it anyhow.  

My dad was like most men of his era and didn't talk much about love. Because of distance I saw my parents infrequently, especially after we moved West. As my father got older I called more often but most of the time we just made unsatisfying small talk.  

As years went by I realized I had not put into words what Dad meant to me. So whenever I sent him a letter or greeting card I noted a few qualities I honestly appreciated about him as a man and as a father. And every time we talked by phone I made sure to tell him a time or two, "I love you, Dad," before I hung up.

Later on, after he died, it comforted my heart to remember those conversations. I'll always be glad I did that. 

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  ESV

Most of us find our insight improves over the years

Probably we understand our parents better once we have children of our own. Your dad and my dad had to learn and grow and endure the same struggles we all do when we have children. 

Did they make mistakes? Of course. 

For me, I know my father did the best he could, even in the hard times and remained patient and kind. Through all the serious health issues and other hardships my parents faced, they lived out their faith in Jesus Christ.  

In countless ways my mother and all our family were blessed because Dad was there for us. Always. No matter what came.  

I took that for granted for much of my life. More and more since my father died I understand that who Dad was as a person blessed me. It influenced how I live and who I am, even today. 

The righteous who walks in his integrity--blessed are his children after him!   Proverbs 20:7  ESV

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV

What if our emotions are all over the place?

First, let's be patient with ourselves and not be afraid to talk to our loving Heavenly Father about our joys and woes. Whatever is on our hearts.

Psalm 103:13 tells us why we can feel free to do so.   

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.  NIV

If you're not sure he would welcome you, think of this verse, which shows the depth and enormity of God's love: 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16  ESV

That's a love you can trust and settle down in. 

My prayer for you, Gentle Reader, is that you feel the Father's love warming your heart right now and every day.

Blessings,

Lenore