A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Parenting Is the Lifelong Personal Growth Opportunity

Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was  looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2.  He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? ... Why do you think that is, Son? ...  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. ... Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little. 

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)  

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't--and vice versa. 

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility   

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.    

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing. 

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8 

Have a happy ... every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How Every Mom Can Plant Seeds of Greatness (Dads, Too!)

If you're like me you probably read that title and thought, Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk.  

That's because we remember all too well the many times we shushed our children or lost control and started yelling.

And that's just for starters. Our minds flood with memories of failing to be the kind of mother we once assumed we would be. Could be. Should be.

Once we had very clear pictures in our minds, didn't we, of the "perfect family" we would have? We assumed if we really, really wanted to be good moms and really, really tried, all the rest would follow naturally.

In no time at all we became wiser. 

Let's be honest here: Being a mom is hard. (So is being a good dad.)

Beforehand we thought, New babies are so adorable! Children are so enchanting!

And they are. Before becoming parents we could not imagine we could ever run out of patience.

Ever run out of love. 

But we do, sometimes. Almost. Like before our newborn finally, finally, starts sleeping all night. Or when our older child pushes all our buttons.

It is scary to admit how weak we are, even to ourselves. We pray for forgiveness, fearful God might punish us for even having such thoughts, however fleeting they may be.

Immediately we resolve to do better. To be more patient, more joyful. To only smile, every moment. No matter what.

Then in no time at all we fail again.  

If you have been there--or are there now--put your feet up and relax. You're among friends, so let's turn the corner in minds and remind ourselves what we're about.  

Recognize the influence you have

Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother." 

Few of us expect to hear glowing tributes like that when our children reach adulthood, but certainly we want to help them grow as individuals and to strengthen the good qualities already implanted in them by their Creator. 

That's a noble goal, but how are we supposed to accomplish it?  

By now one thing I know for sure is that every one of us can rest in the assurance that we and our children are a perfect match for each other.

Think about it. God creates each child and He places us together because we are exactly right for each other--even on our worst days.

Parenting, you see, is a growing proposition. Our children grow up while we grow and stretch in understanding and as individuals.

Our task is to show love and speak love and ask God to enable us and guide us. Every moment of every day and every night.

The simple prayer of a mom or dad who longs to rear their children rightly touches the heart of God, even if all they can manage is, "Help me, Lord!"

Trust me, you won't sprout angel wings

You will disappoint yourself, over and over, but God is faithful, so just ask. Little by little you'll find your love and patience somehow expand. 

You'll develop courage, too, so you can stick to your family standards without apology, simply because you know they are right for your children and your family.

Where do you start? Here: 

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has not one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."  --John 15:12-13  ESV

That covers it all. Every day.

Is it easy? No

In so many ways moms and dads continually lay down their lives every day.

Children take over our lives. They take up what we used to call "free time." Occupy our thoughts, continually. Consume family income. And on and on.

Yet most parents would not trade even one child for all the gold in Dubai.

When we pray, God will enable us to live out love more selflessly. This transforms our days from the daily grind to the daily gladness.

Don't get me wrong. I did not cheer at the constant cooking and laundry and all the rest. I'm not sure anyone ever has.

But when we do what we do flows out of love, every day becomes worthwhile  That includes the day you have kids barfing upstairs and a puppy with the runs downstairs and then the dishwasher dies.

You stay because your purpose is more lasting than the quickie pleasure of escaping to Starbucks.

Now about those seeds of greatness ... 

President Lincoln grew up in a log cabin. He had none of what we label "advantages," except the one that matters most: He was loved and he knew it.

Jeff Oppenheimer, author, wrote a novel about Lincoln and his stepmother, That Nation Might Live. He put it this way:

“She (his stepmother, Sarah) recognized a boy of tremendous talent and saw the diamond when virtually everyone else around this gangly, awkward boy saw the rough. That's what mothers do.”

Her attitude toward her son cost Sarah nothing, but it changed Abraham Lincoln's life. When a mother or father look past the problems and "see the diamond" in their child it can't help but be a blessing.   

How do we do that? We strive to provide our kids with loving acceptance rather than lavish on exaggerated praise.

Offer your kids what counts most: Quiet confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish if they work for it, plus a solid reliance on God.

To know absolutely that their parents believe in them provides a solid base that allows children to become the individuals God created them to be.

It's never too late for a course correction

No matter how many birthdays our kids have celebrated they still want to hear our love and encouragement.  

If you doubt that, consider how it would warm your heart to hear one or both of your parents say to you, "Well done! I am so proud of you!"

Me, too. Always, it's as the Apostle Paul closed his beautiful 1 Corinthians 13:

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Do we want to plant seeds of greatness in our children? Then let's remember to begin and end with love--and to ask our loving Heavenly Father to guide us and bless our efforts.

With love, 

Lenore  

One strategy to deal with the wail, "I am sooo bored!"

Every parent knows the tone of voice that goes along with that refrain.

It's about as thrilling as fingernails dragging across a blackboard. What to do?

Our quartet often gave moving performances that caused me either to stifle my laughter or--after awhile--wish for a quickie way to quiet the mob.

I had none, so out of desperation more than anything, I came up with a standard reply. "You're bored? Oh, that's too bad. Here's what you'll need to clean the bathroom sink(s.) Go make it shine!"

Or, "Here, this broom should be the right size for you to use as you sweep the porch and sidewalks."

Or, "I just heard the clothes dryer signal that the towels are dry. Please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them."

You get the idea. After a day or two of such suggestions nobody complained of being bored. 

I also discovered it boosts incentive to hold out the carrot of a reward when the chores are done. A trip to the park or ice cream treats can prove magical. Or try a family trip to your public library because kids still love being able to choose "their" books or whatever to bring home with them. 

Be sure they see you reading, too. Often.  

Creativity shines with enough free time

At our house we went for creativity more than toys and gadgets, so summer became a time when dreaming up concepts boomed. We always kept raw materials on hand like cardboard boxes of all sizes, assorted papers, crayons, colored pencils, markers, scraps of fabric, Mod Podge, glue, etc.

Trips to craft and discount stores and also yard sales yielded interesting cords and ribbon, pretty gift papers, paints, glitter, wooden boxes and frames, etc. 

Was it messy? Sure. After the first time I proclaimed that our kingdom had a new never-break-it rule. From then on NO doing anything until old newspapers or an old plastic tablecloth or something like that had been put down on the work surface. (Was I ready to help with this? You betcha.)

All this costs almost nothing, but it's a great way for kids to experiment and have fun together.  

Why bother, when cell phones and computers can keep kids occupied for hours?

Technology may be everywhere, but human nature--and kid nature--hasn't changed that much.

Creating still brings more satisfaction than consuming an endless stream of "stuff" on screens, some of it questionable. Besides, people still matter more than things. Don't your favorite family memories feature times when you did nothing much and just enjoyed being together?

This requires free time, which may require planning.

Scheduling each child for some activity every minute of every day eats up free time. Too much time watching TV, being on computers and cell phones does the same. We all need time to "just be."

That's why limiting time on phones and computers and enforcing time limits are important.  (Yes, this inconveniences Mom and Dad, too, because as you no doubt discovered early on, we have to live what we preach or nobody pays attention to our words.)

Note: This will not earn you the title of "Miss Popularity."

Remember who you are

God gave you these children and you are in charge.

Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's also a privilege. You're helping shape the way these young human beings develop and grow.

Even if each child is a bona fide genius, you know better than they what counts most in getting them ready for life as well-rounded individuals. 

As radical as it sounds in our times, research has shown that sometimes sports and various "enrichment" activities are not what each child in your family--or you, for that matter--needs most. They've been created one of a kind, remember?

Give each family member--and yourself--a gift. Look for ways to nurture their individual talents and skills. 

Maybe what each family member needs most is some unprogrammed time to let down. At any age, reading a book or lying under a tree just for the sake of looking up at the sky is not "wasted time."

I promise you the world will not stop.

Being unscheduled is not the same as being bored

Summer offers a defined opportunity to try new things. Later you can decide what comes next. Or doesn't. Think of it as time to refuel and rediscover.

Both your children and you may be surprised to find that in the midst of "nothing happening," a lot of personal growth occurred--and none of you were bored.

For now, go with the rhythm of your days. Be quiet and rest. For right now, just be.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.  Ecclesiastes 4:6  ESV

In quietness and in trust shall be your strength.   Isaiah 30:15  ESV 

Learning, too,

Lenore

With love to Moms: Each One a Woman of Lasting Influence

                                                                           Dear Mom,

If you're a younger mom and feel overwhelmed, this is for you.

     If your children are grown and you wonder sometimes whether you "accomplished anything" in your life, this is for you, too.

Whatever your age--or the ages of your children--you are a world-changer.

            I didn't understand that in the beginning. I wish I had.      

            Consider this a love note from one mom to another:

                        You matter--and don't you forget it!

(Dear Reader, I pray you'll be lifted and blessed by reading what's below and take it personally. Although we probably have not met, if you're a mom we already have a lot in common.  --Lenore)  

____________________________________________

A Woman of Lasting Influence

Every other accomplishment takes second place to being a mom.

We may find that hard to believe. In the midst of our hurry years, every day of the week we perform juggling acts that amaze no one but ourselves.

Always a new challenge.

Always the tiredness.

Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever get your life back.

Or your joy.

You will if you look deeper. And wider.

Snatch a few minutes alone and reflect on your life in Christ. Leave what troubles you at His cross. Then focus on every reason for thanks. Rejoice in your children, each one a complex bundle of strengths and challenges.

Let truth sink in deep. Your love and cheers, your sweat and your tears are helping these youngsters grow into the individuals God created them to be.

Mark this well: You're not dithering away your time. Your mothering will live on. You are rearing somebody's parent, somebody's grandparent, leaving your mark on generations yet to be born.

Influencing tomorrows you will never see.

That gives every minute lasting value.

Day after day you're rearing your children, growing a family, making a life. Refuse to discount your life's work.

You are a mother by God's design, redeemed by Jesus Christ, and led by His Spirit.

Each child is your child by God's design.

Live in the joy of knowing no one else can mother your kids or love your kids as well as you can. Wrap the gladness of what's good around you and feel the warmth of it.

You are right where you are meant to be.

The steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children.   Ps. 103:17 (ESV) 

____________________________________________

Excerpted from my book Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Concordia Publishing House. Also available from the usual booksellers. 

(Short pieces that share some of what I learned along the way.)

Being a mom: What I wish I had known

A lot of moms tell me they wish they could go back and start again--if they could already be equipped with what they know now.  

"Next time," they say, "I wouldn't get so uptight, always wondering if I was doing it right. I would be calmer, more patient. I would just enjoy every moment so much more!"

Can you identify with that feeling? I can. 

I loved our four daughters with all my heart and sincerely tried to be a good mom. Later I understood that I tried so hard I made myself uptight.

If I were starting over . . .

First of all, I'd relax, knowing it's more important to get enough rest and stay cheerful than to be sure no dust bunnies hide in the corners.

My To Do list would take second place to the joy of simply being there. Being present with the children God gave us and letting myself experience the joy more fully.

Yes I know, that sounds kind of other-worldly.

The truth is, there's nothing more real than taking joy in the moment in which you are living.  The joy of watching each child's personality come through. 

Sometimes we parents ask ourselves, Who are these little people? That can't be clearly defined, since every person is a combination of all the family members who went before, not just their birth mother and father.

It's a mystery and a joy--if we let it be.

We moms get to be in on this unfolding. We get to care for and guide and influence these mystery beings who in one sense march to their own drummers and in another, march to whatever tune we pipe their way.

That's a heavy responsibility. And an awesome privilege.

We see the parts, not the whole of our children's lives

We can't foresee how quickly our little ones will grow up, take control of their lives and make their own decisions. At first I imagined what our girls thought or did would be an extension of my husband and me and what they'd learned in our home.

It wasn't long before I realized that each one was her own person. That showed even more clearly as they grew into the teenage years and became adults.

I shouldn't have been surprised. Hadn't I always said God only creates one of a kind?  

Being a mom is an exercise in giving

Not one of us who's a mom comes out of it the same as we went in.

And that's a good thing!

Being a mom quickly throws ice water on any traces of a me-centered mode of living. Screaming babies who need to be nursed or have their diapers changed bring an urgency that supersedes our own needs. 

Through all the years . . .

We keep learning and growing, stretching to accommodate what sometimes strikes us as the "shocking ideas" of our kids and grandkids. Still, we want to be fair so we evaluate it. Often we find ourselves thinking, Hmmm. I never thought of it that way.

That's a good thing. It keeps us from growing barnacles as we sit in our safe harbor of already knowing absolutely what we think about everything.

God never meant us to stay stuck in our thinking. At any age He expects us to be growing, because only He knows what He would have us become over a lifetime.

Whatever age your children or mine may be, however we may applaud or decry their lifestyles, only God can see the whole of their lives. And so we keep praying.

Our kids bring out our best side

Poet Roy Croft wrote a poem titled "Love." It's often used at weddings, but I think these lines express what many of us would say as we think about how rearing our children has changed us: 

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out ...

Being a mother changes us

Our children grow and so do we. That's reason enough to thank God.

None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Don't let this Mother's Day pass without expressing your love to your mother while you can.

From now on let it become your resolve to write your children and tell them what they mean to you and how proud you are to be their mom--not just on Mother's Day, but every day. You will bless their lives and also your own.

Love never needs a special day as an excuse to be spoken. Or written. So any day of the year let your love flow freely. The more you give away, the more you get back. 

And wouldn't each child, whatever their age, welcome a bit of extra encouragement and assurance from their mom? 

Blessings and much joy to you,

Lenore

On learning again that all we need is eyes to see what matters most

"Did you ever ... ?"

Those three words can trigger a flood of memories, can't they?

Like the time a friend asked, "Did you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?" Out of nowhere popped up the memory of a weekend when a few Bible verses became my lifeline. 

I needed one. For no reason I could figure out, I felt I was drowning in motherhood and in danger of losing who I was forever. 

Don't get me wrong. Our life was good. My husband and I loved each other dearly. No big problems, good health, four great kids. Any fool would be thankful. 

Wouldn't they? Shouldn't they?

Still, I yearned for something, because I was tired of feeling moody and unsettled. 

All I knew for certain was I wanted to get back my usual sense of peace and well-being.  

One Friday I read a tiny newspaper announcement about a weekend workshop for women

Over lunch I told my husband, "Wish I could go. It's only an hour's drive from here, but it starts tonight." (Cue in big sigh.)

Then that terrific man I married (who wanted his happy wife back) surprised me. "Of course you should go! The girls and I will be just fine."

I hugged him and right away called the number listed. Yes, they had space. Hallelujah!

I dressed and packed in a frenzy of anticipation. I knew only that the speakers would be Christian women from a neighboring state. A few hours later I waved and blew kisses and drove away feeling giddy at the prospect of 48 hours with nobody yelling, "Mommy!"  

When I checked into the hotel I found my room and for a little while, I just basked in the quiet.  

Then I walked into a ballroom full of women I didn't know. I didn't mind because it suited me just fine to be anonymous. All I wanted was time for me and perhaps to pick up some useful tips for living.

Handouts told me the conference theme was Ecclesiastes--which I confess, I didn't know much about.

Five minutes into the first speaker's talk, I knew why I was there.  

Identifying the root of my discontent

As I listened to the speakers and read the verses I began to understand my blue mood. During the previous few months I had watched and listened to a lot of "experts" and talking heads, all enthusiastically promoting almost identical themes. Magazine articles trotted out "reinforcements" for what sounded in those day like startling findings: 

• I owed it to myself to "accomplish" something so I could be fulfilled.
• Just being a wife and mother could never satisfy my deepest needs, only waste my potential for greatness.
• Any woman who allowed a man to "dominate" her or influence her decisions was a fool--even if she thought herself blessed to be married to a good, sweet man who loved her, as I was. 

Even though I had not consciously bought into these "new" theories, that weekend I knew they had lodged insidiously within my mind and heart.

Little by little, the repetition from all sides painted my thinking in a wash of dull gray.

Learning from Solomon

Without quite being aware of it I brought that mindset to the conference. No wonder this theme verse leaped out at me: 

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind ...   Ecclesiastes 2:11  NIV

That first night we focused on Chapter Two, where Solomon relates his goals and dreams and also his great wealth and achievements. Yet all he felt was emptiness.

Our speaker asked us: Had we ever felt empty and as if our lives were pointless? Women all over the ballroom nodded in agreement.

I thought of all the voices telling me to look out for No. 1 and I heard Solomon's phrase drum in my mind: "chasing after the wind."

Next day's workshops looked at life, marriage and the joy of growing a family

Our leader stressed the great privilege God bestows when he entrusts us with a child.

It matters not whether we become birth parents or step-parents or whether we adopt a child. It's even true when we are rearing children in place of someone else. 

Every day moms (and dads) help shape the next generation. Every day we plant faith and values that will carry over into the lives of our children and through them, into our grandchildren and stretching into the future. 

What's more, our children are watching and listening in as we adults live our lives, picking up clues on how to do it. Like good detectives they pay as much--and maybe more--attention to our actions as they do to our words.  

That packs every minute of every day with lasting meaning and significance.

During that brief workshop the truth of that statement gently smacked me on the head and got my attention, then moved in to stay. I saw it clearly. My life had purpose and meaning, just as it was. I already lived a life that mattered.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind.   Ecclesiastes 4:6  NIV

Simple words, yet they reminded me who I was--and who I wanted to be   

That weekend I got my right attitude back. I saw clearly the contrast between empty theories and Truth that stands the test of time. My heart danced as I thought how blessed I was to have a strong marriage and healthy children.  

I cherish the memory of that weekend when God spoke to me through the speakers and through Ecclesiastes. He replenished my spirit and got me back on track. He gave me eyes to see. 

He has made everything beautiful in its time ... I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all [their] toil--this is God's gift to [mankind.]   Ecclesiastes 3:11a; 12-13  ESV

No longer would I look "out there" to set my standards and gauge my "fulfillment" by someone else's measuring stick.  

I drove home singing--and praying, impatient to hug my husband and daughters. After that weekend nothing changed about my life but me.

And that changed everything.

Praying you may see the value of what you do every day!

Lenore