A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Parenting Is the Lifelong Personal Growth Opportunity

Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was  looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2.  He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? ... Why do you think that is, Son? ...  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. ... Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little. 

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)  

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't--and vice versa. 

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility   

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.    

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing. 

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8 

Have a happy ... every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad." 

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now 

God gave you each child--and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk. 

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome--and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience--and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers. 

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant? 

Probably not.  

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

• Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

• Even if it's not your style, take charge--while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)
  
  
• When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" --unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.
   
• Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. --Proverbs 15:1
  
  
• Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)
  
  
• Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.) 
  
  
• Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)
  
  
• Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child--the character traits that drive you crazy now--can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother--or father--for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength.                                                                        --Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.  

With love,

Lenore

Parent pointers: Take the tension out of parenting teens

The other day I talked with the frazzled mom of a couple of teens 

Immediately, memory swept me back to the always-challenging days when three of our four kids were teenagers. Back then I often wondered whether I'd make it through. If only we had known at the beginning what we figured out by the end.

Nobody ever does.

The good news is that teen-age is a passage, not a life sentence for either parent or child.

Hang on to that. (It will keep you sane.)   

A new relationship lies just ahead.  

Today's mutual frustration will pass, not on a predictable timetable because personalities differ. But one day you and your child will relate to each other as adult to adult, actually enjoying each other's presence.

Trust me, it can happen--and usually does. 

Here's a bit of what we picked up along the way

* There are no cookie-cutter teens

Every adolescent insists on steering through these years in his or her own way.

As parents it helps to start the day by asking God's blessing and guidance, then taking an "energy drink" from God's Word like Philippians 4:13:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Repeat as often as needed throughout the day.

* Conflict is part of the transition process  

I remember thinking, I can't say or do anything right! (This went on for years.) I felt overwhelmed by what seemed everlasting conflicts.

I learned it helps to step outside ourselves and walk a mile in our kid's flip-flops.

Those youngsters who now look us in the eye are as surprised as we are. They, too, are baffled by their mood swings, by one minute sounding adult and mature and the next like a whiny toddler. They don't understand themselves and that's part of what makes them so testy.

We never know what to expect of them, true, but neither do they. 

*The closer adolescents feel to their parents, the harder they find it to see themselves as separate individuals 

One teen we knew, um, very well went to bed one night a sweet, loving girl. Next morning an individual who looked the same came to breakfast and slammed every door along the way--hard. This went on for a year and a half.

Hostility for no reason.

Total shock for parents.

Then a family counselor friend explained it's as if teens must "build a case" in order to give them courage to separate themselves from loving parents. That helped us get a better perspective.

We pledged to keep on loving, no matter what and this verse became our motto:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                    -1 Peter 4:8 

* Trying to exert tighter control usually backfires

Our child's rebellion makes us want to clamp down, just to show who's in charge. Adolescents with an ounce of spunk react by digging in even deeper. They think their moms and dads still view them as little kids and want to hold them back. 

It's more effective to back off on what isn't harmful. As one mom put it, "I'm strict on what really matters, but I don't get upset over small stuff. If he wants to spray his hair green or go to school in holey jeans I let it go." 

Young birds need to try their wings. So do teens, preferably before they leave the nest. 

 * Loosen the cords and slowly play out the line

Trot out a tested principle of parenting: With freedom comes responsibility.

Put another way, increased freedom is a privilege, not a perk that automatically comes at a given age.

So we keep track of their everyday behavior as a gauge of their level of maturity. Whether they keep their word. Whether they demonstrate kindness toward others without being reminded. Whether they abide by our house rules without being nagged.  

We respond to their trust-worthiness by slowly doling out freedoms. Taking the family car, for example, comes after proving oneself reliable and responsible in many other ways. 

It's similar to what Jesus said: 

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."  --Luke 16:10

Hang in there. You are not alone. God gave you each of your children and He will carry you through. Count on it.

With love,

Lenore    

 

A love note to moms, the real movers and shakers

Dear Moms,

Trust me: It's all worth it!

You recognize the sweet moments of mothering for what they are.

Here's what I know now that I missed when our children were growing up:

The not-so-sweet moments are worth just as much. 

From this vantage point I understand that every day is a "puzzle piece" in the whole of your life.

Those "nothing days" add depth you can't recognize in the middle of making a life. The tiresome, mundane stuff you do every day just because you're a mom are necessary to complete the design.

It's easy to lose sight of that in the middle of changing one more poopy diaper. Or mopping up spills on the floor you just cleaned. (Why can't it stay clean at least one day?) Or listening to another recital of, "Mommeee, look what he did to me!" followed by, "It's not my fault. She started it!"

I confess that too often I forgot that the chaos was happy chaos and forgot to appreciate that my life was good and rich and full. 

Maybe you do, too.

Keep the Big Picture in Mind

I know now that every day counts, even those days so pointless or frustrating you could scream. You are leaving tracks on your child's tomorrows, one tiny bit at a time.

The old truth, "More is caught than taught," applies here.

Mom love often looks like cleaning up and mopping up. Loving and praying for strength. Cooking and packing lunches. Throwing smelly clothes into the washer. Loving and praying for patience. Chauffeuring kids and cleaning up messes and loving. Praying to know what to do. Forgiving and forgetting. Loving. Praying. Falling into bed exhausted and starting over the next morning.

Take a fresh look. See your life for what it is: a work-in-progress

That's fitting, since your children, too, are a work-in-progress. 

Every part of every day, they're growing.

Whatever stage they're in, they are in the process of becoming.

You are, too.

So relax

Let go of straining to "do it right." Forget keeping track of how many boxes you can check on the latest "Effective Parenting Techniques" list.

Your kids are following you around, watching how you role-model dealing with everyday life. Every day they conduct their own comparison study on whether what you do matches what you say. 

That's what they'll remember--and copy--as they live their lives.

Please take that as encouragement. If you're loving your kids and forgiving them when they mess up and accepting them for who they are, that's what they'll remember.

And you are not on your own. Just ask God to show you the way to love your family as they need to be loved and to give you strength for the day. You can trust Him to be faithful.

So just love your kids and be yourself. It's okay not to be The Coolest Mom on the Block. 

Take the Long View

Will it all be good? Maybe not. You might travel through some rough patches or trying years. One child may be extra hard to handle or have special needs that don't go away. Another may develop big problems you hadn't noticed earlier. Your teenager or young adult child may disappoint you. Or worry you. Or drive you to your knees.

Not one of us wants our children to struggle, but it doesn't mean God has walked away.

From the struggle may come the strength, for them and for you.

Remember, He's growing you, too.

Where to turn when you feel overwhelmed

Don't hang around in risky territory, such as thinking I can't take any more of this. You can get stuck in that quicksand.

Take charge of your thoughts. (I promise it gets easier with practice.) 

Focus your attention on the privilege of rearing the children you've been given. Even on your most trying days, remember this: 

God gave you your children because you are just right for each other.

Some days you may run on empty

That's the time to put the good stuff in. Find some Bible verses that speak to your heart and fill your mind with them. I find it helps me to change my mindset if I repeat favorite Bible verses to myself.  

Here's a favorite Bible verse you probably know. I underlined it in my Bible years ago and it still speaks to me when I'm feeling weary. 

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:29-31

Dear friends and fellow moms, breathe in that strength that never runs out and hang on. You are right where you're supposed to be and every day counts.

Take it from one who found it to be true: It's all worth it!

Love from my heart to yours, 

Lenore 

Tell your kids the facts about life in the real world

This time of year most older high-schoolers--and their parents--are tied up in knots about what comes next.

Everyone wants to make the absolutely right choice.

College graduates are tense, too, looking for the absolutely perfect job.

That could be a long wait.

Recent graduates often feel dumped out in a world that's nothing like the dream they bought with their student loans. Some resign themselves to any job they can get that includes a regular paycheck. Others keep chasing their ideal.

Life is hard. How many of us tell our kids that beforehand?

1. Tell your kids the truth

One columnist noted that today's graduates grew up with parents who continually asked, "How does that make you feel, Honey?"

No wonder the world of employment offers a rude shock. Bosses seldom ask, "How do you feel about that?"

Employers want employees to show up on time, stay until quitting time and get the job done well and on schedule. They concentrate on the bottom line because unless their business turns a profit, there's no money to stay in business.

Or issue paychecks.

We do our kids no favor when we groom them to expect life should feel cozy and warm, like a mommy's hug.

2. Be a true friend to your children

A good friend speaks truth, even when we don't want to hear it. Our children deserve the same from us.

Sooner or later, most of us learn the no-nonsense foundation for success along the way. In school, in the job world, or even in our personal lives, here's the formula:

W-O-R-K.

Sounds hopelessly outdated, doesn't it?

That's especially true after hearing commencement speakers--and parents--who so often tell young people, "Follow your bliss! Live for your dreams! Refuse to settle for less than what makes you happy!"

Then someone will bring up Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, who became a billionaire at age twenty-seven.

Reality check: How many Mark Zuckerbergs do you know personally?

3. Plant good seeds, so your kids can harvest good fruit

Love your children enough to speak lasting truth. Even in a dream job, they will have to prove themselves.

Most employees start at the bottom. It will be a slow climb from there.

They will not like parts of it. Guaranteed. Life is hard, remember? This is what hard looks like.

A runner talked of training for a track meet. "Runners know you must keep your eyes on your goal. If you waver and look down at the track your energy goes to what's under your feet and you'll lose the race."

To build a strong career, marriage or family we can't allow small annoyances to get us down. We need to fasten on what's good and let the other stuff go.

4. Nail it home that a good life does not depend on having every dream come true

Give your children a lasting gift. Tell them nobody has everything they want or everything as they want it to be. 

Help them understand that individuals who expect that or insist upon it set themselves up for lasting discontent.

Wealth and achievements can never fill our inner emptiness because there will never be enough of either.

Happiness and satisfaction stem from how we look at life and from thanking God for our blessings.

A grateful spirit is a contented spirit.

5. Remember to pass on eternal truths

Be sure your children learn about Jesus Christ, our Savior. Worship together as a family and cultivate friendships with other Christian families.  

Faith is the real key to a fulfilling life and peace within.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.  --Psalm 29:11

Jesus said:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."    --Matthew 6:33

Life in the real world is unpredictable and the only solid Rock is Jesus.

What we're talking about is helping our kids take on life without life getting the best of them. We moms and dads do that all along, little by little as we encourage them to keep trying and try again and to keep going. And we dole out love and hugs every chance we get.

Parenting is a process that goes on as long as we live, even though it changes form over the years. 

Call it what it is: Privilege. Blessing. Joy. 

Thanking God, too, 

Lenore

Mothers, the lingering fragrance in our minds and hearts

Someone has said, "When a child is born, a mother is born."

It may be hard to imagine of our own moms, but it's true. Every mother since time began has groped her way through unknown territory, made mistakes and learned on the job.  

I know people who consider their moms angels. 

I also know a few who've always blamed their mothers for ruining their lives and they long to erase even their memory of them.

Probably most of us fall somewhere in between.

Knowing now what I wish I knew then

My mother died way too young, a few months after she turned 54. It took me a long time to understand how much of her is in me.

Like my love of music.

All I knew as a preacher's kid was that my parents were always up front. Mom always played the organ or piano for everything.  

She also gave piano lessons. Every day one or more kids, usually towed by eager parents, showed up in our living room after school. With them came the standard admonition: "Be quiet."

That meant my job was to keep my three noisy, energetic sisters quiet for most of an hour and often to get supper started. The clock never moved slower! All in all, I considered Mom's music more a nuisance than a blessing. 

I yearned for a "normal" mother

As far back as I can remember once the evening chores were done Mom would play the piano for her own enjoyment, often the music of classical composers.

Music had drawn my parents together in the beginning, so when Dad had a free night he often joined her, his beautiful tenor soaring while she accompanied him.  

Small wonder that many a Sunday he would not only preach, but sing a solo while Mom, the organist/pianist accompanied him.

The congregation always loved it. I knew my parents were talented, but as a kid I wished they were sitting with us in the pew instead of always up front.

What I didn't understand in time 

Because of who she was I became familiar with classical and folk melodies and absorbed music through my pores. Every time I hear some of Mom's favorites, I think of her. 

I wish I had told her that while I had the chance.

Mom left more than music behind. With her love of beauty and sense of style she made the most of Dad's small salary. She'd stick one zinnia in a vinegar bottle and have a centerpiece.

Besides that, she knew how to jazz up an old outfit and give it some style. My mother probably learned that from her mother, who made fancy hats and clothing and turned out intricate needlework.  

Mom held her own in the kitchen, too. She knew how to make food taste good and look good.

The perpetual student 

Most of her life my mother kept on learning, everything from trying a new recipe to mastering a challenging concerto. 

Was she perfect? No. Is anyone?

I think the demands of her life often overwhelmed her. Today I view her failings more charitably than I once did, probably because I know my own so well.

I know now Mom did what most of us do, the best she knew how. I thank God for her life and her faithfulness.  

My mom believed in Jesus

Because she absolutely trusted Him and believed Bible verses like this, she did not fear death. 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. --John 3:16  (ESV)

Like her, I live in the forgiveness all believers share and I know when Mom stopped breathing she went home to Him.

Yet my mother lives within me still, as elusive as the whiff of a fragrance I can't quite identify.

And I am grateful, so grateful.

Question for you: In what way(s) do you carry your mother with you?

Blessings and joy,

Lenore