A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

With love to Moms: Each One a Woman of Lasting Influence

                                                                           Dear Mom,

If you're a younger mom and feel overwhelmed, this is for you.

     If your children are grown and you wonder sometimes whether you "accomplished anything" in your life, this is for you, too.

Whatever your age--or the ages of your children--you are a world-changer.

            I didn't understand that in the beginning. I wish I had.      

            Consider this a love note from one mom to another:

                        You matter--and don't you forget it!

(Dear Reader, I pray you'll be lifted and blessed by reading what's below and take it personally. Although we probably have not met, if you're a mom we already have a lot in common.  --Lenore)  

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A Woman of Lasting Influence

Every other accomplishment takes second place to being a mom.

We may find that hard to believe. In the midst of our hurry years, every day of the week we perform juggling acts that amaze no one but ourselves.

Always a new challenge.

Always the tiredness.

Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever get your life back.

Or your joy.

You will if you look deeper. And wider.

Snatch a few minutes alone and reflect on your life in Christ. Leave what troubles you at His cross. Then focus on every reason for thanks. Rejoice in your children, each one a complex bundle of strengths and challenges.

Let truth sink in deep. Your love and cheers, your sweat and your tears are helping these youngsters grow into the individuals God created them to be.

Mark this well: You're not dithering away your time. Your mothering will live on. You are rearing somebody's parent, somebody's grandparent, leaving your mark on generations yet to be born.

Influencing tomorrows you will never see.

That gives every minute lasting value.

Day after day you're rearing your children, growing a family, making a life. Refuse to discount your life's work.

You are a mother by God's design, redeemed by Jesus Christ, and led by His Spirit.

Each child is your child by God's design.

Live in the joy of knowing no one else can mother your kids or love your kids as well as you can. Wrap the gladness of what's good around you and feel the warmth of it.

You are right where you are meant to be.

The steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children.   Ps. 103:17 (ESV) 

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Excerpted from my book Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Concordia Publishing House. Also available from the usual booksellers. 

(Short pieces that share some of what I learned along the way.)

Parenting Is the Lifelong Personal Growth Opportunity

Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was  looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2.  He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? ... Why do you think that is, Son? ...  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. ... Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little. 

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)  

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't--and vice versa. 

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility   

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.    

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing. 

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8 

Have a happy ... every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How Every Mom Can Plant Seeds of Greatness (Dads, Too!)

If you're like me you probably read that title and thought, Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk.  

That's because we remember all too well the many times we shushed our children or lost control and started yelling.

And that's just for starters. Our minds flood with memories of failing to be the kind of mother we once assumed we would be. Could be. Should be.

Once we had very clear pictures in our minds, didn't we, of the "perfect family" we would have? We assumed if we really, really wanted to be good moms and really, really tried, all the rest would follow naturally.

In no time at all we became wiser. 

Let's be honest here: Being a mom is hard. (So is being a good dad.)

Beforehand we thought, New babies are so adorable! Children are so enchanting!

And they are. Before becoming parents we could not imagine we could ever run out of patience.

Ever run out of love. 

But we do, sometimes. Almost. Like before our newborn finally, finally, starts sleeping all night. Or when our older child pushes all our buttons.

It is scary to admit how weak we are, even to ourselves. We pray for forgiveness, fearful God might punish us for even having such thoughts, however fleeting they may be.

Immediately we resolve to do better. To be more patient, more joyful. To only smile, every moment. No matter what.

Then in no time at all we fail again.  

If you have been there--or are there now--put your feet up and relax. You're among friends, so let's turn the corner in minds and remind ourselves what we're about.  

Recognize the influence you have

Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother." 

Few of us expect to hear glowing tributes like that when our children reach adulthood, but certainly we want to help them grow as individuals and to strengthen the good qualities already implanted in them by their Creator. 

That's a noble goal, but how are we supposed to accomplish it?  

By now one thing I know for sure is that every one of us can rest in the assurance that we and our children are a perfect match for each other.

Think about it. God creates each child and He places us together because we are exactly right for each other--even on our worst days.

Parenting, you see, is a growing proposition. Our children grow up while we grow and stretch in understanding and as individuals.

Our task is to show love and speak love and ask God to enable us and guide us. Every moment of every day and every night.

The simple prayer of a mom or dad who longs to rear their children rightly touches the heart of God, even if all they can manage is, "Help me, Lord!"

Trust me, you won't sprout angel wings

You will disappoint yourself, over and over, but God is faithful, so just ask. Little by little you'll find your love and patience somehow expand. 

You'll develop courage, too, so you can stick to your family standards without apology, simply because you know they are right for your children and your family.

Where do you start? Here: 

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has not one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."  --John 15:12-13  ESV

That covers it all. Every day.

Is it easy? No

In so many ways moms and dads continually lay down their lives every day.

Children take over our lives. They take up what we used to call "free time." Occupy our thoughts, continually. Consume family income. And on and on.

Yet most parents would not trade even one child for all the gold in Dubai.

When we pray, God will enable us to live out love more selflessly. This transforms our days from the daily grind to the daily gladness.

Don't get me wrong. I did not cheer at the constant cooking and laundry and all the rest. I'm not sure anyone ever has.

But when we do what we do flows out of love, every day becomes worthwhile  That includes the day you have kids barfing upstairs and a puppy with the runs downstairs and then the dishwasher dies.

You stay because your purpose is more lasting than the quickie pleasure of escaping to Starbucks.

Now about those seeds of greatness ... 

President Lincoln grew up in a log cabin. He had none of what we label "advantages," except the one that matters most: He was loved and he knew it.

Jeff Oppenheimer, author, wrote a novel about Lincoln and his stepmother, That Nation Might Live. He put it this way:

“She (his stepmother, Sarah) recognized a boy of tremendous talent and saw the diamond when virtually everyone else around this gangly, awkward boy saw the rough. That's what mothers do.”

Her attitude toward her son cost Sarah nothing, but it changed Abraham Lincoln's life. When a mother or father look past the problems and "see the diamond" in their child it can't help but be a blessing.   

How do we do that? We strive to provide our kids with loving acceptance rather than lavish on exaggerated praise.

Offer your kids what counts most: Quiet confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish if they work for it, plus a solid reliance on God.

To know absolutely that their parents believe in them provides a solid base that allows children to become the individuals God created them to be.

It's never too late for a course correction

No matter how many birthdays our kids have celebrated they still want to hear our love and encouragement.  

If you doubt that, consider how it would warm your heart to hear one or both of your parents say to you, "Well done! I am so proud of you!"

Me, too. Always, it's as the Apostle Paul closed his beautiful 1 Corinthians 13:

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Do we want to plant seeds of greatness in our children? Then let's remember to begin and end with love--and to ask our loving Heavenly Father to guide us and bless our efforts.

With love, 

Lenore  

One strategy to deal with the wail, "I am sooo bored!"

Every parent knows the tone of voice that goes along with that refrain.

It's about as thrilling as fingernails dragging across a blackboard. What to do?

Our quartet often gave moving performances that caused me either to stifle my laughter or--after awhile--wish for a quickie way to quiet the mob.

I had none, so out of desperation more than anything, I came up with a standard reply. "You're bored? Oh, that's too bad. Here's what you'll need to clean the bathroom sink(s.) Go make it shine!"

Or, "Here, this broom should be the right size for you to use as you sweep the porch and sidewalks."

Or, "I just heard the clothes dryer signal that the towels are dry. Please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them."

You get the idea. After a day or two of such suggestions nobody complained of being bored. 

I also discovered it boosts incentive to hold out the carrot of a reward when the chores are done. A trip to the park or ice cream treats can prove magical. Or try a family trip to your public library because kids still love being able to choose "their" books or whatever to bring home with them. 

Be sure they see you reading, too. Often.  

Creativity shines with enough free time

At our house we went for creativity more than toys and gadgets, so summer became a time when dreaming up concepts boomed. We always kept raw materials on hand like cardboard boxes of all sizes, assorted papers, crayons, colored pencils, markers, scraps of fabric, Mod Podge, glue, etc.

Trips to craft and discount stores and also yard sales yielded interesting cords and ribbon, pretty gift papers, paints, glitter, wooden boxes and frames, etc. 

Was it messy? Sure. After the first time I proclaimed that our kingdom had a new never-break-it rule. From then on NO doing anything until old newspapers or an old plastic tablecloth or something like that had been put down on the work surface. (Was I ready to help with this? You betcha.)

All this costs almost nothing, but it's a great way for kids to experiment and have fun together.  

Why bother, when cell phones and computers can keep kids occupied for hours?

Technology may be everywhere, but human nature--and kid nature--hasn't changed that much.

Creating still brings more satisfaction than consuming an endless stream of "stuff" on screens, some of it questionable. Besides, people still matter more than things. Don't your favorite family memories feature times when you did nothing much and just enjoyed being together?

This requires free time, which may require planning.

Scheduling each child for some activity every minute of every day eats up free time. Too much time watching TV, being on computers and cell phones does the same. We all need time to "just be."

That's why limiting time on phones and computers and enforcing time limits are important.  (Yes, this inconveniences Mom and Dad, too, because as you no doubt discovered early on, we have to live what we preach or nobody pays attention to our words.)

Note: This will not earn you the title of "Miss Popularity."

Remember who you are

God gave you these children and you are in charge.

Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's also a privilege. You're helping shape the way these young human beings develop and grow.

Even if each child is a bona fide genius, you know better than they what counts most in getting them ready for life as well-rounded individuals. 

As radical as it sounds in our times, research has shown that sometimes sports and various "enrichment" activities are not what each child in your family--or you, for that matter--needs most. They've been created one of a kind, remember?

Give each family member--and yourself--a gift. Look for ways to nurture their individual talents and skills. 

Maybe what each family member needs most is some unprogrammed time to let down. At any age, reading a book or lying under a tree just for the sake of looking up at the sky is not "wasted time."

I promise you the world will not stop.

Being unscheduled is not the same as being bored

Summer offers a defined opportunity to try new things. Later you can decide what comes next. Or doesn't. Think of it as time to refuel and rediscover.

Both your children and you may be surprised to find that in the midst of "nothing happening," a lot of personal growth occurred--and none of you were bored.

For now, go with the rhythm of your days. Be quiet and rest. For right now, just be.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.  Ecclesiastes 4:6  ESV

In quietness and in trust shall be your strength.   Isaiah 30:15  ESV 

Learning, too,

Lenore

Ever wondered why our kids so often push us to the edge?

Let's face it. Some children simply refuse to give in--or give up.

A friend remarked, "My two brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.   

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the specific words they used," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

I remember doing exactly that, thinking it sounded more kind and loving and reasonable.  Now I know all it does is confuse and water down what we say. 

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents. 

This careful study enables our children to know exactly how far they can go with each parent. They know which one is more likely to be swayed by pleading and which one needs all the facts--and time--before saying, "Yes."  

It's a bit shocking--but accurate--that we train our kids to know how far they can push us.  

Personalities play a part  

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if their mission in life is to oppose whatever Mom or Dad say. 

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you saying, "That's all well and good, but this being in charge role doesn't fit my personality and it's really hard for me. How do I get through today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents. 

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow--and don't allow--makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully. 

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.  

 Within those reliable limits our children can relax and run free. 

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is any parent's biggest challenge.)  

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today--or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell.

Just remember that we are the grownups in the family and that's our job.

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority 

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we are to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day. 

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . .    Colossians 3:12-13a

Parenting roles change over the years 

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection. 

As our children get older we still keep a watchful eye, but our role gets more subtle, Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background so each child gains confidence that they can handle whatever they're trying to do.

All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, yes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, although they will argue the point over and over and over. Most of the time they avoid saying they need us and feel safer because we're watching our for them.

Nevertheless, it's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Being a parent and watching our children grow into themselves is deep-down satisfying. I believe it's the most important thing we could ever do because we are raising human beings.

But parenting is never a picnic. It isn't meant to be. Raising our children is it's a growth-and-development project for us as individuals, too. Being a parent changes us, makes us wiser and stronger and more understanding of human nature.

(Is it any wonder that we Christian parents so often feel inadequate and frequently ask Jesus to guide us and help us?)

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.  ESV  

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made you to be--and enjoying it! 

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Kids: "The Resistance Movement"

That may sound like an extreme statement, but here's a true-life story that illustrates the point. 

Nine-year old Lawson is playing with his dog in the grassy area beyond his backyard. Mom yells from the back door, "Lawson, it's time to come in."

No response.

"Lawson! Time to come in!"

No response.

Mom yells again. And again.

Still no response. By now Mom feels her temperature rising, especially since she can see that her son is not far away and staring intently up at a tree.

"Lawson James! You get yourself in here right now, young man!"

Lawson takes his time coming in, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. 

His mother stands waiting, with hands on her hips. "You'd better have a good excuse, young man! Now you tell me why you didn't come when I called you!"

"Well ... I didn't hear you the first four times you called."

Resistance comes in different packages

Some kids plant their feet and holler, "No!" as if daring you to do anything about it. That kind of open defiance is easy to spot.

Others are more subtle, like the child who appears smiling and compliant, but habitually "forgets." If this behavior is chronic don't immediately assume it's deliberate. For some, there's an underlying problem such as ADD or ADHD, which makes consulting a licensed professional a worthwhile idea.

Some children quickly agree with you, often with a smile or laugh, but then don't do what they said they would do. Note: Both "forgetters" and "agrees, but doesn't do its" offer passive resistance. That's not as in-your-face as defiance, but these pint-sized human relations experts know parents find that easier to take.  

The "Lawsons" of this world know exactly how far they can push Mom or Dad. They usually obey. Eventually. They'll give in when they are ready, that is, just before you blow your top. If this sounds like a battle of wills, that's exactly what it is. 

Consider such tactics the child's way of exercising the limited power at their disposal. 

Are these kids evil? No. They're human. That is, not perfect, like every other human being.

Nobody said parenting would be easy

Still, few of us realize ahead of time how long it can take to teach important lessons. We get tired and lose heart.

We may ask ourselves, why bother to keep trying? The answer is easy. It's because all the studies show that youngsters who learn to obey and to respect authority have an easier time in school and also navigating through adolescence.

No one formula exists, but here some general pointers:

    Principle one: Figure out what really matters in your family and talk about it.

    Principle two: Pick your battles carefully.

    Principle three: Don't say it unless you mean it. But if you say it, make it stick.

    Principle four: Be consistent. Whatever your rules were yesterday, stick with them today.  Otherwise, you start over tomorrow. Besides, children feel more secure when they don't have to wonder whether you mean it ... this time. 

    Principle five: Learn to laugh.

All the while you're teaching and modeling, without a word

Any time you lose your temper or raise your voice, you hand over some of your authority as the parent. (Yes, I know how daunting and hard that is. I should, because I slipped up many times.)

As I got better at staying focused I realized being consistent actually saved time--as well as my sanity. Otherwise, any kid with even minimal levels of spunk will keep testing you just to see if you still mean it.

This tiresome maneuver can go on a very long time, especially with those children we label "strong-willed." If Dad and Mom stick to the limits they laid down, eventually even these guerilla fighters get bored and stop trying. 

Parenting is a long-term course in personal growth

Being in authority may make you uncomfortable, but remember, God gave you these children. He knows your stress levels and he equips you for the task He gives you. 

As our children grow and we face new challenges, we parents continue to grow stronger from within. Stronger in character, with a clearer fix on what we as individuals stand for. Most of the time we also pick up all kinds of useful personal skills.

When you feel overwhelmed, remember Paul's truth and take it to heart:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That includes living with a Resistance Fighter who happens to be your child.

Take it from one who survived,

Lenore