A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Thoughts on Rearing Self-Confident Kids

You hear it all the time on TV talk shows and read it online and in print: It's essential to be generous with praise if we want to build a child's self-image.

That's no longer universally acclaimed. More and more new/old thinkers tell us it's better to go easy on remarks like, "You're so adorable!" and, "Look at you! You're so smart!"

Choose instead to emphasize what the child or teen can feel pride in doing and being. That is, give your kids solid, individual reasons for self-esteem.

Compliment qualities you want to implant and expand. Here are some
examples.  

If your daughter helps empty the dishwasher or pitches in with other household chores: "You're such a good helper. I like knowing I can count on you."

Should your son give part of his cookie to a friend: "I like the way you share. You have a generous heart."

If your youngster is involved in sports and their team loses the game but your child manages to keep smiling: "You make me very proud. You played fair and you're a good sport."

Such comments help kids recognize and focus on their best qualities.

Words like that build a child's character 

Even at young ages kids figure out that they can decide what to do or not to do.

Parents naturally want them to choose whichever actions will make them stronger and help them stay out of trouble. Mom or Dad can influence their thinking in many ways, especially by how they speak.

Praise their appearance only and you'll grow an individual who measures their self-worth by looking in the mirror. Praise grades, test scores and sports scores and you risk developing young people who feel they are worth less if they fail to come out on top.

What matters more is to emphasize what builds their own sense of being a worthwhile person.

It all goes back to a major principle of child-rearing: Only reinforce--with words or applause--what you want to see repeated.

There's more to it, of course 

Many of us believe the true core of an individual's self-esteem lies even deeper. Karl Barth, a renowned thinker and theologian of the Twentieth Century put it this way, "The greatest theological insight I have ever had is this: 'Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.'"

You may recognize that line from the song many kids learn in Sunday School or Children's Church. To plant the certainty of that first line in a child's mind gives them an "outside source"--separate from family members or other individuals--by which to gauge their self-worth. One who never changes.

Step into the shoes of any child or young person. They are trying to figure out who they are in a world that pulls them in all directions. Parents may urge one path, the child wants another.

Moms and dads worry because they see possible trouble ahead, trouble their children argue against.

Why? Why?

It helps to remember that children and teens only know what they have experienced so far. They often feel uncertain about everything and overwhelmed and well may have nothing to hang onto.

That's one reason they so often "drive their parents crazy." It's a waste of emotion to expect that they would--or could--look at life and the world around them as their mom or dad does.

Think what it would mean to know deep down that you have value every moment of every day. Not because you deserve it or earned it, but because Jesus loves you. The Bible backs up that statement. Year after year the Christian Bible is the best-selling book.

According to several reliable sources, about 20 million copies of the Holy Bible were sold last year, just in the United States.  

There must be a reason why  

The message that weaves throughout the Bible is that Jesus, true God and true man, lived and willingly died so that anyone who believes in him as their Savior and Lord, is set right with God. 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16

That's the basis for this children's song: 

"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so ... "

It is simple, profound truth that brings unshakable certainty one is loved. No conditions. No exceptions.  

Children convinced of this will be better equipped to handle whatever may come into their lives. Their self-confidence will be strong and rest on a solid base.

Isn't that what you want for your children? And yourself?

Blessings to you,

Lenore

Parenting Is the Lifelong Personal Growth Opportunity

Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was  looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2.  He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? ... Why do you think that is, Son? ...  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. ... Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little. 

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)  

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't--and vice versa. 

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility   

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.    

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing. 

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.  

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8 

Have a happy ... every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Your Audience Is Watching

Like it or not, you and I live our lives onstage, every bit as much as any public figure or show biz performer. 

 

You might laugh at that, but think about it. Even if we live alone, we interact with other people, whether by phone or text or email. Our words and our tone create a mental image for the receiver. 

 

Or the casual observer. Like me, the day I waited to check out in a big box store behind a woman and her daughter, perhaps age eight or nine. The girl waited patiently while her mother wrote a check.

 

As the mom picked up her bag she paused and said to the checker. "Wait a minute. I bought five things, but I think you only charged me for four. Would you please look over my bill and find what I owe you?"

The twentyish clerk glanced over the shoppers behind me and replied, "But, Ma'am, you already wrote out your check. You'd have to tear it up and we'd have to start over. I really think you paid for all five."

I couldn't help noticing their faded but clean clothing. Nevertheless, this woman held her head up, and fixed her attention on the checker and calmly refused the offer. "I can't take something home if I haven't paid for it. Please figure out which one got missed, and I'll pay cash for that one item."

People behind me had stopped talking. I guessed they were watching, too. The clerk sighed, then compared price tags and the cash register receipt. Finally she said, "It's the most expensive one: $12.99." 

The mom said, "Okay," and dug around in her well-worn purse for some wrinkled bills and a handful of coins, all the while explaining to her daughter what was going on. Soon the two were on their way out of the store.

Judging by the clerk's look of disbelief I suspect she later recounted this exchange to others. No doubt at least a few onlookers did, too. 

That shopper so easily could have taken the freebie and run

This mom judged something more important than dollars and cents and her quiet firmness communicated a lot about her. She won't need to lecture her daughter about honesty. She lived it out as her daughter watched and listened, probably not for the first time. She also set an example for those of us who were waiting our turn.

Isn't that the best kind of parenting--and teaching? 

Later I thought of an Albert Einstein quote I heard years earlier and never forgot: 

 

"Example isn't another way to teach,

it is the only way to teach."

We are not who we say we are. We are what we live

One thing is sure. That woman gifted her daughter with a lesson about honesty she likely won't forget. 

Words always matter, but actions count even more. Ask any parent, children keep track of every disconnect between what their parents (and those in authority) say and what they do. Even as adults.   

Who we are and what we do carries more weight than our words spoken to them. Every time.    

Nobody's perfect

Not even that mom in the big box store, nor any human being. Life can be hard, no doubt about it. After awhile we can feel overwhelmed and hope evaporates.

Christians believe help is available at any time. Jesus used an everyday illustration to explain to his followers they were "grafted" into him by faith, so they could draw on his strength within them. 

(Jesus said) "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."               John 15:5 NIV

God's promises for his people run through all through the Bible.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.          Isaiah 41:10

I know nothing about that mom in the big box store except what I witnessed that day, but I admire her. Her quiet confidence seemed to illustrate that her actions that day were nothing out of the ordinary for her. She was authentic.

Isn't that what we all long for in the people around us? 

Let's resolve to be authentic, to make sure our words and our actions are in harmony. After all, we never know who might be watching or listening in our own family or circle of friends.

Or even some stranger behind us in the checkout line.

Growing, too,

Lenore

You Can Soar Above Your Challenges

When Nick Vujicic speaks--and he does, all over the world--people hang on every word. They can't quite believe that this man is saying what he's saying.

Certainly I found that to be true.

Some years ago my husband and I heard Nick speak and afterward joined the crowd around the stage. His smile lit up the room.

Since then I've seen him on television and just recently on YouTube.

Always, I marvel how every day he triumphs over challenges that would drive many of us to curl up in the corner and wail.  

And then there are his remarkable parents. Three sonograms gave them no warning their child would be born with problems.

Imagine their shock to find their newborn son possessed no arms and no legs, only a sort of a "foot flipper" at the bottom left of his torso.

What would you do?

No doubt many well-meaning people told Nick's parents that raising their severely handicapped child would be too much for them and they should turn him over to the professionals.

They paid no attention.

That plucky pair took their baby son home and somehow loved him into a remarkable wholeness of spirit. 

They did more than love him absolutely. They gave Nick a lifetime gift.

They instilled in him the sense that he was bigger than the obstacles he faced.

They assured their son he could trust God to make a way for him and use him. Somehow. Somewhere. Some way.   

Still, it was years before Nick believed it wholeheartedly for himself. 

The boy with the hard name and the weird body

Nick Vujicic (VOO-yee-cheech) was born in Melbourne, Australia, in 1982. As you would guess, being taunted and bullied were everyday occurrences.

He says, "I often came home crying and told my parents, 'I hate school! The kids make fun of me!'

"My parents always said, 'Don't pay any attention. You're God's creation, fearfully and wonderfully made, and we love you. You just smile back and talk to them and play with them as much as you can.' After awhile things got better, but I often felt depressed.

"I accepted myself after I read about the blind man in John 9.  I read how Jesus said the blind man was born that way so that the works of God would be revealed through him. I said to God that if He had a plan for that man I certainly believed that He had one for me.

"That's when I totally surrendered the idea of ‘needing to know the plan’ and trusted in Him one day at a time." 

Would you describe Nick as "disabled?"

Most people would. Here's what he says about disability: "We all have brokenness. Mine just shows more than most people's.

"Fear is the biggest disability of all. Fear is simply False Evidence Appearing Real. Courage is doing what's in front of us, even when we're afraid."

Asked how he finds courage to keep going every day, Nick smiled. "I thank God for what I have instead of complaining about what I don't have.

Nick says, “If God can use a man without arms and legs to be His hands and feet, then certainly He will use any willing heart!”

God answers Nick's heartfelt prayers

For years Nick wondered whether any woman ever could or ever would love him. Then God answered his lifelong prayers for a godly wife and a family of his own. 

He and Kanae fell in love and then married on February 12, 2012.

And now they have four beautiful children. 

 

(To read more of his story, go to his website: www.lifewithoutlimbs.org or Google his name.) 

Nick Vujicic often quotes a favorite verse.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."                                   Jeremiah 29:11

Dear reader friends, that same promise applies to you and to me, every bit as much as it does to Nick. If we compare our problems to Nick's we may feel we have no right to complain, but we are human. Inevitably, we will have times when we feel broken and downhearted. Even then, in Jesus Christ our hope and our future is secure.

Let's resolve to live our lives, too, by the sure and certain promises we find in God's Word. 

Lenore

 

What does it take to be a good parent?

Let's start with the ever-changing definition of dads 

It wasn't so long ago that a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck would be admired. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Back then, maybe a father read to his kids and attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. If he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work," his family gave him no static.  

Instead, Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you worked so hard all day. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times a Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family.

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then and now

Currently, not so many people agree with that approach. Today, most moms expect (or at least, hope) Dad will be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children?

Life often blocks good intentions, leaving Mom (or Dad) to fly solo. The parent who feels stuck with filling in may say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time this couple sees each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like, "Well, what about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage learn a better way and likely would say something like this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both of you lose.

Who comes first?

Early on, a wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once your children are wrapped up in their own lives."  

Over time we better understood the strength of that tip. As our four children discovered they "needed" this or that and pleaded their cases with us, we two each needed an ally! Our kids discovered it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other.

Standing together also reminded us we were a couple. A team. We loved our children with all our hearts, but it helped so much to know each of us marriage partners placed the other first. Being human, we slipped up occasionally, but in general we stuck to this principle except in emergencies.  

Years later our adult children one by one told us our unity and stability reassured them--even when they railed against it. Why? Because it reassured them we planned to stay married.

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We're all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Years ago author Patsy Clairmont said our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So in all our dealings but especially within our marriage and family, let's cut each other some slack. Let's show grace and be quick to forgive and accept each other as yes, imperfect people. And our sons and daughters, too.

Count on it: Your love and mutual forgiveness in the nitty-gritty of daily life will benefit your kids all their lives. It's how we parents most effectively model for our children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

Does the idea of Father's Day dredge up old hurts? 

It's a sad fact that many adults still ache to hear their father say the words, "I love you."    

For generations, men believed whatever they did to provide for their wife and children obviously demonstrated their love loud and clear. The old "Actions speak louder than words" applies here. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

Where does this leave you if you're still hurting? Good news, healing is possible, no matter how many years have elapsed--or even if you ever hear those words spoken.  

It means being willing to lay down our battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. Over and over, if necessary, until finally, we can let it go. We can't heal if we insist on picking it up again.

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

All of life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Once we leave that judgment behind we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

The Good News of the Gospel tells us we needn't generate this love on our own:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Neither does one parenting style or the other. It's all about living out love, healthy love that builds strength.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice living within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's our standard for parenting, no worries, even if money is tight and our life situations are challenging. In the minds of our children, Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom," because they will remember the love that ruled our hearts and our home.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Whatever our situation, let's resolve to rejoice! Even if. Even when. Even though. 

Lenore

How Every Mom Can Plant Seeds of Greatness (Dads, Too!)

If you're like me you probably read that title and thought, Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk.  

That's because we remember all too well the many times we shushed our children or lost control and started yelling.

And that's just for starters. Our minds flood with memories of failing to be the kind of mother we once assumed we would be. Could be. Should be.

Once we had very clear pictures in our minds, didn't we, of the "perfect family" we would have? We assumed if we really, really wanted to be good moms and really, really tried, all the rest would follow naturally.

In no time at all we became wiser. 

Let's be honest here: Being a mom is hard. (So is being a good dad.)

Beforehand we thought, New babies are so adorable! Children are so enchanting!

And they are. Before becoming parents we could not imagine we could ever run out of patience.

Ever run out of love. 

But we do, sometimes. Almost. Like before our newborn finally, finally, starts sleeping all night. Or when our older child pushes all our buttons.

It is scary to admit how weak we are, even to ourselves. We pray for forgiveness, fearful God might punish us for even having such thoughts, however fleeting they may be.

Immediately we resolve to do better. To be more patient, more joyful. To only smile, every moment. No matter what.

Then in no time at all we fail again.  

If you have been there--or are there now--put your feet up and relax. You're among friends, so let's turn the corner in minds and remind ourselves what we're about.  

Recognize the influence you have

Abraham Lincoln said, "All that I am or ever hope to be I owe to my angel mother." 

Few of us expect to hear glowing tributes like that when our children reach adulthood, but certainly we want to help them grow as individuals and to strengthen the good qualities already implanted in them by their Creator. 

That's a noble goal, but how are we supposed to accomplish it?  

By now one thing I know for sure is that every one of us can rest in the assurance that we and our children are a perfect match for each other.

Think about it. God creates each child and He places us together because we are exactly right for each other--even on our worst days.

Parenting, you see, is a growing proposition. Our children grow up while we grow and stretch in understanding and as individuals.

Our task is to show love and speak love and ask God to enable us and guide us. Every moment of every day and every night.

The simple prayer of a mom or dad who longs to rear their children rightly touches the heart of God, even if all they can manage is, "Help me, Lord!"

Trust me, you won't sprout angel wings

You will disappoint yourself, over and over, but God is faithful, so just ask. Little by little you'll find your love and patience somehow expand. 

You'll develop courage, too, so you can stick to your family standards without apology, simply because you know they are right for your children and your family.

Where do you start? Here: 

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has not one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends."  --John 15:12-13  ESV

That covers it all. Every day.

Is it easy? No

In so many ways moms and dads continually lay down their lives every day.

Children take over our lives. They take up what we used to call "free time." Occupy our thoughts, continually. Consume family income. And on and on.

Yet most parents would not trade even one child for all the gold in Dubai.

When we pray, God will enable us to live out love more selflessly. This transforms our days from the daily grind to the daily gladness.

Don't get me wrong. I did not cheer at the constant cooking and laundry and all the rest. I'm not sure anyone ever has.

But when we do what we do flows out of love, every day becomes worthwhile  That includes the day you have kids barfing upstairs and a puppy with the runs downstairs and then the dishwasher dies.

You stay because your purpose is more lasting than the quickie pleasure of escaping to Starbucks.

Now about those seeds of greatness ... 

President Lincoln grew up in a log cabin. He had none of what we label "advantages," except the one that matters most: He was loved and he knew it.

Jeff Oppenheimer, author, wrote a novel about Lincoln and his stepmother, That Nation Might Live. He put it this way:

“She (his stepmother, Sarah) recognized a boy of tremendous talent and saw the diamond when virtually everyone else around this gangly, awkward boy saw the rough. That's what mothers do.”

Her attitude toward her son cost Sarah nothing, but it changed Abraham Lincoln's life. When a mother or father look past the problems and "see the diamond" in their child it can't help but be a blessing.   

How do we do that? We strive to provide our kids with loving acceptance rather than lavish on exaggerated praise.

Offer your kids what counts most: Quiet confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish if they work for it, plus a solid reliance on God.

To know absolutely that their parents believe in them provides a solid base that allows children to become the individuals God created them to be.

It's never too late for a course correction

No matter how many birthdays our kids have celebrated they still want to hear our love and encouragement.  

If you doubt that, consider how it would warm your heart to hear one or both of your parents say to you, "Well done! I am so proud of you!"

Me, too. Always, it's as the Apostle Paul closed his beautiful 1 Corinthians 13:

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Do we want to plant seeds of greatness in our children? Then let's remember to begin and end with love--and to ask our loving Heavenly Father to guide us and bless our efforts.

With love, 

Lenore