A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How Do You See Yourself?

If someone asked, "Tell me about you and your life," how would you answer?

We all have a mental picture of who we are.

Maybe we lost track of where it came from but we're used to it and it feels like fact. Every moment this inner picture either lifts us up or drags us down. 

Our thoughts--and our words--can hem us in or set us free. 

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Take a listen

Sometime back a popular radio talk show host announced the day's topic: "Are you a victim?"

He introduced his guest, a professional counselor, and then opened the phone lines. One of the first callers was "Rita," whose tears kept interrupting her story  

"Am I a victim? Absolutely! Last fall I was beaten up and raped. That attacker ruined my life!" 

Asked about her family or friends, Rita replied they kept trying to reach her and her fiancé still wanted to marry her. 

"I don't want to see any of them!" she sobbed. "Everyone just feels sorry for me, so I don't go out. Anywhere. With anyone.

"They tell me I'm depressed, but why wouldn't I be? My life was good and I had a happy future planned with the man I love. Now I know I will never be the same. I can't ever be the same.

"Once you become a rape victim it changes everything."

"Mindy" called next

She said, "I was raped, too, by a neighbor I thought I could trust. That horror followed years of my stepfather molesting me.

"Like your last caller, I saw myself as a victim. I lashed out at anyone who came near me and kept asking, 'Why me?' Night and day I hugged my pain around me and inside, I shivered in misery.

"After a long time I realized I had lost myself. When I thought of myself as 'the victim,' I locked out everything and everybody. I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore, so I searched out a good counselor and worked on building a new life. A better life.

"I want to say to the woman who just called, it's true you never will forget what happened. But you decide what you will do with this experience.

"You can rename it, like, call it a pothole in the road you were on. Everyone has those. Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt and leave you shaken, but it doesn't have to stop you in your journey--unless you let it.  

"I hope you can hear me. I know your pain, I really do because I've been there. I came to understand that I was choosing to see myself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

"Forgive me, I know this sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You are doing that all by yourself."

Could there be meaning for our lives? 

Here's my number one takeaway: 

In every situation, how we think and speak of ourselves not only impacts our lives, but can determine our lives.

Once we plug that into our thinking it can help us deal with whatever comes. 

Whatever the reason, we all have times we feel unworthy and unlovable. Some of us ache with regrets over past or current failures or problems we can't fix.

Some of us loved and counted on a person who let us down in some way. Some of us constantly replay hurtful conversations that haunt us. Some of us got a raw deal from an employer or a co-worker and can't let go of the injustice. 

Whatever is on our personal list, here's the truth in all of it: All these circumstances are the ordinary stuff of life.

Simply put, life can be hard. How do we live with the day-to-day?

Always, the same truth applies

We get to choose how we label--and view--our lives. And ourselves. Every. Single. Time.

We can stay in the "pity pit" and be stuck with its lousy view. We can vow to trust no one ever again, as a way to protect ourselves.

We can put up emotional walls against being wounded, essentially living as loners, even within a marriage. 

Or--and I know this may sound too simple--we can dig deep and decide to leave our heavy load behind, with the One who knows our everything and loves us still:  

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed ... There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus ... "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." 

John 8:36, Romans 8:1, John 14:27  -ESV

Millions of believers around the world know that no other way brings real inner peace  

Faith in Jesus as our Lord and Savior gives us a new identity: "Child of God, Washed Clean and Set Free by Jesus."

This identity cancels out harmful labels, whatever they may be. It enables us to let go of what weighs us down and to finally be at peace. With God. With ourselves. And with the people in our lives. 

It's as Jesus said to his followers in John 14:27:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Praying for you, my reader friend,

Lenore

Let's Be True to Who We Are

When you look into a mirror who looks back at you?

Is it you as you really are or is it the person you think you should be?

This may seem a silly question, especially since it's a given that every one of us keeps growing and changing all through our lives--until one considers how many people rate their self-worth on the number of "likes" they get on social media. It's as if one's value as a person depends on what other people think of that individual. 

By this logic, someone I never met--and likely never will--gets to tell me if I'm acceptable or not and whether my opinion is valid.

At the very least, isn't this un-American? 

And if that's how we choose to live, doesn't it mean we hand over control of who we are and what we think to other people? To strangers?

With so many opinions floating around in our heads do we even know who we are?

Years ago--in the midst of my adolescent flailing around to find myself--my mom passed on this familiar quote from Shakespeare. She also briefly noted this truth offers a solid standard to live by: 

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Even then I heard the inner click that signaled I needed to hang onto this truth.

Over time I realized my need for this to be true was as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. It explained why I could be troubled about some little cruelty among classmates or about suffering in a far-off country I could barely pronounce. Other kids my age just shrugged and said something like, "Aw, who cares? What does it matter to me?"

(As you might guess, this temperament quality never earned me the title "Miss Popularity.")

When I came to know myself better I realized the people I admired most were those who seemed to share this same need to be authentic.  

When my husband and I met I sensed an inner honesty in him early on. Over a lifetime I found that to be always true. Yes, we disagreed sometimes, as all couples do, but each of us learned to respect the other's right to hold a different, well thought-out opinion. I knew I could trust him to be honest with me and he knew he never had to wonder if I were being truthful with him.

This mutual acceptance helped each of us feel more secure with ourselves and who we were. It also tremendously strengthened our marriage relationship.

United we stood

As parents we tried to anticipate what would be coming next and talk it through so we would be prepared for what came next. Our girls soon learned it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other to wangle permission for something we hadn't discussed.  Our standard reply would be, "Sorry, but your dad (or mom) and I need to talk it over first."

This didn't stop our four lively, ever-changing daughters from trying. Or mounting campaigns complete with informing us that "all the other kids" already had their parents' okay.  

We would listen patiently as they pleaded their case and then often say what they didn't want to hear: "Sorry, Hon, but we can't say Yes. We love you very much, but that wouldn't be for your best and that's what we're here for." 

They still wailed (not wanting to appear too easy) but their pouts didn't last long.  

Did they appreciate at the time that we were trying to be good parents? Not hardly. 

Muddling through life

Isn't that what most of us do? None of us knows the precise path that lies ahead of us, so I'm guessing we do the best we can and try to do what's right.

I'm a Christian and I've learned that life is not about what I know, nor how good I am. How can I be sure? This may sound way too simple, but I trace it back to a simple faith song I learned as a young child. The song begins like this:

   Jesus loves me, This I know, For the Bible tells me so.

These simple truths of faith have been for me like a solid railing that's in place beside a slippery path so all I have to do is grab hold and hang on tight as I walk.

Want something solid to hang onto for yourself?

Here's a trio of truths to start with:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.   John 3:16 

(Note the "whoever." This promise is for everyone. Everywhere.)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you.   Psalm 32:8

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Once I got it straight in my mind that I am a child of God and He loves me, any uncertainty about figuring out who I was gradually cleared up and life got easier. Although I never got that Miss Popularity crown, it's okay. I know who I am.

I wish the same for you, dear reader,

Lenore 

A message for all times: "God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!"

Have you ever been stuck in a mindset that kept you feeling you were slogging through life?

Been there, done that.

That's where I was when I gave up a long-ago Saturday morning to go hear a speaker I knew nothing about except what the ad told me. (What's more, I paid for the privilege.)

Right on time this "famous expert on mental health" bounded to the front of the large hotel meeting room as the one-hundred or so of us, a mixed group of all ages, sat waiting for our promised "transformation". 

Our speaker bounded onstage with a smile and briefly introduced himself. Then he said, "I have great news for every one of you and here it is: "God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!"

(My first thought was, "What is this? Did I sign up for two hours of being yelled at?)

Then he switched techniques. He whispered, then spoke, then once again shouted these same five words at us, apparently to hammer home his point.

Every time he spoke on another facet of his theme, often including Bible verses, he would wind up with this: 

"God don't make no junk! Say it with me now: 'God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!'"

By the last time it seemed everyone in that auditorium was yelling it back at him

I long ago forgot his name, but I never forgot his five-word slogan.

After he finished I watched as the crowd thinned, curious to know what others thought about our intense morning. Their faces telegraphed that most of them shared my mood. I hadn't found our speaker particularly impressive, yet I felt lifted up and at peace.  

As I drove home I found myself repeating those five one-syllable words over and over: God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Sure, it was the mood of the moment. But I already believed the truth of those words before I walked into the place because I believe what Bible verses like this tell me.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.   -2 Corinthians 5:17

That includes every person who believes in Jesus Christ. Every person.

Sometimes we all feel like "junk," don't we?

Unworthy. Unlovable. Lonely.

It's not a new phenomenon that a lot of kids and teens suffer with this perception.  

We may assume that today's youngsters and teens are super self-assured and intelligent because they appear so confident. More often than we might guess that's a mask they put on around the rest of the world--even loving parents, teachers and friends.  

Inside they may feel like junk when they struggle in school or in personal relationships and be yearning for someone who will see them and love them.

Unfortunately, often we adults don't help much. We're inclined to nag about grades and homework. Especially with teens we keep asking how do they expect to make it into college if they don't get it together?

(Have we ever had a caring conversation and let them talk? Maybe they don't want to go to college ... )

We fall into the same trap with others we care about

We zero in on every little thing that isn't quite right--and point it out. Then we revisit the complaint(s) every chance we get. Too often we broaden out to remind them of every mistake they ever made, no matter how long ago.

We're like those radar-guided missiles that never deviate from their target. 

It's good to remember that hearing those same old, same old painful messages can quickly carve deep grooves in a person's self-esteem.

We're human, so we forget. That's why we need to remind ourselves that always, we get to choose.

You and I can't change the world, but we can make our own world better

A good place to start is by fastening our attention on what's right in the people around us--and telling them. Often.

Let's keep our eyes open for when they do something right, then say so.

This practice serves as great reinforcement with parenting and training our children, too. Catch them doing what's right and say so!  

The glow on their faces will tell us that speaking honest words of love and appreciation is what they want most. At any age.

Start small, even the smallest thing for which you can honestly give them a pat on the back. If you can't find anything, look harder.

Don't we all long for encouragement?

That's what it is when someone important to us gives us a pat on the back.

That's why these five words still make a good slogan. For any age. And for ourselves:

God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Anytime we're feeling "junky," it's easy to go back and read these glorious words:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made ...     -Psalm 139:14

That's true even on our worst days, because God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Wishing you joy in living,

Lenore

Do you really know your role models?

Have you ever considered the influence other people--real or imagined--have on how you think and how you live?

It's worth thinking about because such individuals easily become our role models. After that comes trying to measure up to them. What we forget is that most of the time what we see is a carefully staged image.  

We already know that's true with celebrities, but we may not factor that in once we get on social media. Even when we don't it's easy to be drawn in because Facebook and the like now seep into every facet of life. 

How many of us judge ourselves inadequate just because "they" are so perfect?

Real life examples

Because I write about people and life, I pay attention to what people care about. I aim to stay on-track and I'm always looking for raw material.

This plays out in odd ways. When I'm in a public place and can't avoid overhearing conversations I do not try to listen in, but sometimes it's impossible not to overhear what's said. Of course I would not record such interactions with my phone unless the speakers gave their permission to do so. I also avoid shooting photos or videos and never use real names unless given an okay. I do, however, often scribble notes surreptitiously, just so I don't forget.

In most conversations social media eventually creeps in. Here are a few examples, make-believe exchanges based on real life...   

"I love Facebook! Last week I connected with my best friend from high school--haven't seen her since then. She looks terrific! We're getting together next month and I am in a panic. Before then I need to lose 10 pounds and get a total makeover!"  

Or: "The other day I found my boys--who usually specialize in pestering each other--sitting with their arms around each other's shoulders. Faces clean, clothes clean, I couldn't believe it. I grabbed my phone and snapped a bunch of photos. Hope this raises my "likes" count. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't stop myself from keeping track."    

Or: "Isn't Pinterest great? For months I've collected photos of bedrooms. Last week I found the most perfect room for little girls. Now I can relax and just copy every detail for my three-year old."  

It's not just women. Listen to two men having lunch:  

The business suit wearer said, "I'm so tired of reading on LinkedIn about guys I graduated with. You can tell by the cut of their suits that they make way more money than I do. What am I doing wrong?" 

A few minutes later the one in athletic clothes later said, "I'm really tired of reading about guys my age who run marathons and set records. I used to do that, too, but now I have a bad knee. When I read about my old running buddies, well, next to them, I feel like a loser." 

Wanting to measure up to another person is as old as Eden. What's different now is the easy accessibility of social media sites. It seems the one common element among all of them is endless pictures of "perfect" people who seemingly never mess up.

Is that even possible? 

Next time evaluate what you see through this lens: People only post what they want you to see

Those angelic children? Think. Who posts pictures of their kids when they have stomach flu and are in mid-puke? Or shots of their "model" kitchen when they're running behind and that snazzy new sink overflows with dirty dishes?

It seems as if "everybody else" achieves great things. Think. Most people keep quiet about their near-misses. Or how often do you find photos of redecorating or remodeling mess-ups that got abandoned before the "perfect" one that made the cut?   

I'm not implying deliberate intent to deceive, just that human nature usually is self-protective. 

Even in the best of us.

A counselor said, "Too many people spend too much time on social media sites.

"They come into my office and say they're depressed and don't know why. From their talk it becomes clear they look at their lives through a sort of Facebook filter. They come away feeling vaguely dissatisfied with who they are and what they have.

"I try to bring them back to seeing what's real and right in front of them. To appreciating who they are and what they have. That can make a huge difference, all by itself."

For every one of us, our experiences and preferences are unique to us. (God creates us one-of-a-kind, remember?) 

Yet if we dig long enough we begin to see we all wear a "filter" of some kind. That's true whether we're considering our individual values and perspective, even our marriage and our children, whether they are young or adult.  

Some of us disagree. We may pat ourselves on the back and say, "I'm a thinking adult and I make up my own mind. That's it!"

Are you sure?  

Where can we find a truly reliable standard?

For starters, human beings often let us down. Every hero or heroine has clay feet, just as we do. That is to say, every human being is fallible. Imperfect.

Suppose we just accepted that and let go of our angst.

Think how restful it would feel to stop measuring ourselves by anyone, whether they live next-door or show up in any kind of media. 

Then we could give up counting our "likes" on some social media site and just be who we are. Ahhh, doesn't that feel good?

When it comes to finding a stands-the-test-of-time guide for living, how about these?

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:2  ESV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  2 Corinthians 5:17   ESV

For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.   Philippians 4:13  TLB

Can you think of a better place to find reliable role models than in this book that endures through the centuries?  

You'll find peace for your heart, too. 

Lenore

Tame the "turkeys" in your life

They're all around us, the people who drag us down and leave us mired in their words. Or attitudes. Some of us call them turkeys--and don't ask me why. 

It might be a neighbor or friend who harps on the same gripes, time after time. Or it could might be someone seated beside you and for whatever reason, you can't escape. It could even be (gasp!) someone in your family.

A number of turkeys have their own talk shows, either on radio or TV. We listen while doing other tasks and tell ourselves we're not really paying attention, so what difference could it make in how we look at life?  

Answer: More than we think.

Held captive by a turkey  

Several years ago I sat in a small hair salon and next to me, a turkey was holding forth. This woman held a low opinion of everybody and everything, which she delighted to proclaim--loudly--to everyone within listening range.  

Spoke so loudly that the rest of us gave up trying to carry on conversations and just sat there, squirming and looking uncomfortable. I was mid-haircut, etc., so there was no escape.

The longer the turkey talked, the more excited she got. She actually glowed with excitement.

We all live with turkeys around us, so what can we do?

As I drove home, I thought how once again, I so quickly felt that downward pull and got stuck in someone else's bad mood. I've learned when that happens it's no time until we get stuck on the negatives, too, and forget what's good. 

Maybe you live or work with someone like that woman in the salon. Or perhaps you fight that tendency in yourself.

A seminar speaker offered one explanation of the way this works. He explained it as a process somewhat like the force of gravity. We don't have to be able to explain everything about physics to know that gravity is real and it exerts a downward force on objects--and people. 

This speaker's whole emphasis was that we "catch" one another's moods. Curiously, negativity and dark outlooks spread faster than positive moods. It's as if they become weights--or yokes--we carry around with us.

Staying "up" is possible 

That speaker laid out an effective technique that can turn us around when we're feeling down. All that's required is a pen and paper and a few minutes of time to think as we make some lists.

People choose their own names for their lists. For example, "My gratitude list," "Things I'm thankful for," or "Things I'm happy about."

Write your choice(s) as a heading at the top. Then think of at least ten things that fit. For example, maybe you're in a hard place right now, but did you wake up this morning? Could you taste what you ate? See the colors in the landscape outside your window?

You get the idea. Use the same technique with people. Try making a list of your husband's good points--and write at least ten things, even if you have to dig for them.

One woman in the group asked, "Right now I'm so frustrated with that man I can't think of anything he does right except he rinses out the sink after he brushes his teeth. Does that count?"

Our speaker replied, "Absolutely. Start small. Don't be looking for big things like, 'My husband always shares his feelings with me' or you may never find ten things to be thankful for."

We all laughed, but he made a good point

Do the same for each child, even--or especially--the one who's giving you trouble right now.

The point of it all is that we fail to see individuals as they are. We forget to notice what's good in the people around us. Instead, we fixate on what annoys us and before long, we can't see the person's good qualities and kind actions.   

It's time to take off the blinders. Prepare to be surprised, because listing reasons to be thankful will turn out to be fun and you'll be making more lists. 

This pays a lovely dividend, too. Once we switch perspectives we become more aware of what's good and right and true. We appreciate the people in our lives more. When that happens, especially when we tell them so, they relax and appreciate us back.

Before long we take a fresh look at our world--and it's good

Before long we realize our "turkey" has a beauty we had shut our hearts to. 

Sooner or later we come to understand that for awhile, we got stuck on this individual's minuses instead of pluses. 

How do I know this works? More than once, I've seen how it works. Why not try it yourself? Betcha you'll like it!

Meanwhile, let's keep in mind that God creates individuals, not carbon copies

So why do we keep laying our expectations on each other?

Each of us is a mix. I've learned over the years that what I judge to be missing in a person often turns out to be a strength, a quality God can--and does--use in ways I never ever envisioned.

(This turns out to be true for each of us, even ourselves.)

Encouragement for your journey

If you're like me, you find it easier to work on a better outlook when you find the same or similar truths in the Bible. Let me share some reassurance from God's Book.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.   Jeremiah 29:11

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.    Ephesians 2:10

(Jesus said) "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him , he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."   John 15:5

P.S. 

One more thing comes to mind. Years ago someone's turn of phrase caught my attention and stayed in my mind. I've found it to be true in every relationship, in every part of life. One thing never changes:

"What you look for is what you will find."

(I guess this means I need to take my own advice and that long-ago "turkey" in the hair salon probably was an otherwise-nice woman who just needed to talk ... )

Here's to looking for the good in people and in our lives,

Lenore

Who or what makes us who we are?

   More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.  

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.  

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips--and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know." 

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave--for pay--about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us 

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you? 

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears--and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent. 

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us 

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too. 

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.  --Philippians 4:13  NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new. 

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives. 

Learning and growing never stop--and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore