A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What to do about loose lips

"Loose lips sink ships!"

That's a slogan from World War II, when our Government wanted everyone on the "Home Front" to stop "loose talk," that is, inadvertently revealing some sort of military info they had picked up from a conversation or a letter sent home from the War.

The phrase hangs around because it so aptly describes how the thoughtless words of one person can "sink" what's important to another.

As when we're with a good friend and mindlessly blurt out something like, “Well, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but ...."                

Such tasty little tidbits may taste sweet. For a moment or two.

Then our stomach drops as we realize we passed on something we had no right to share. Perhaps it's something another person trusted us with, trusted us enough to feel sure we would keep it to ourselves. 

Disillusionment

We thought we were better than that! We thought we had personal integrity!

Now it hits us. We can't unsay the words we weren't supposed to share. The person we said it to cannot unremember it. And who knows where it goes from here?    

Sometimes we try to rebuild our own sense of who we are by telling ourselves, "Well, at least I'm not a gossip!" 

Or are we?

I’ve learned gossip usually starts with one of these phrases:

• “Now, don’t tell anybody, but . . . 
• “This is not for publication, but . . . 
  
• “I don’t know if this is true, but . . . 

Any time we start a sentence with one of those phrases a big red flag should start waving in our minds. A clue that signals we are wandering into dangerous territory.  

Even when we're "only listening," we have a responsibility to interrupt whatever words the other person wants to pass on.  

After all, gossip is like the tango: It takes two. 

Nothing has changed since Solomon warned against it centuries ago:  

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.  –Proverbs 26:20  NIV

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man [woman] keeps a secret.  –Proverbs 11:13  NIV

And don't we all want to be known as trust-worthy?

Shut off the flow

By now you've figured out that I must have firsthand experience in all this--and I plead guilty.

It shocked me because never before had I used the word "gossip" about myself. Now I had to face the fact I, too, could be labeled a gossip--and I deserved that I.D.

Right then I didn't like myself very much and I truly wanted to change, so I turned to the Bible. I found Psalm 141:3, which hit home: 

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!  ESV

This became my prayer. For a long time after, any time I was to be with friends I asked God beforehand to guide my words and to make me worthy if anyone chose to open up about their lives.  

Thoughtless words matter, too 

Words matter because words can cut deep.  

I remember the time "Laurie," a good friend much younger than I, confided why she harbored some hurt feelings about a mutual friend. It seemed to me she went on and on about it.

So I, the self-appointed all-knowing one, replied, “Laurie, you just need a thicker skin. You need to learn not to be so sensitive. Besides, you’re probably making too much of it.” 

A few minutes later I walked away congratulating myself for my wise advice.

Every friend of Laurie had heard her declare she was "too sensitive," so at the time I thought I just reminded her of that. Besides, she nodded her head and said, "You're right."

The rest of the story 

Months later Laurie friend told me how those words stung. “I knew you loved me, so I let it pass. All my life people have been telling me not to be so sensitive and my mom always said I was 'tenderhearted.'

"It took me years to work it through that God made me who I am. Eventually I came to understand that’s not a bad thing. In fact, hurting people often tell me it helped them than I'm a good listener and I really care. 

“Good or bad, yes, I am ‘sensitive’—and finally, finally, I know that’s okay.” 

Yes, I knew Laurie has a gentle spirit, but I hadn't stopped to think my glib words could sound uncaring to her. 

That's when I understood how deeply I had wounded this person I loved. 

It reminded me of another truth. Any of us may complain about our own weaknesses, or even poke fun of them. But when another person repeats our same words back to us it can feel like an arrow to the heart. I don't like it and I'm guessing you don't, either. 

It's another reminder of Luke 6:31:

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.  LNT

Watching our words 

Forget all the “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” stuff.

Not true. Words can inflict wounds that never heal. 

Friendships die. Marriages fall apart. Parents and children become alienated from each other, all because one or the other vents their feelings in a moment of heat.  

Blaise Pascal sums it up perfectly and points us to the better way: 

Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. Kind words also produce their image on [people’s] souls; and a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, and comfort the hearer.

Doesn't that paint a lovely picture of how we're meant to relate to each other?

Pascal's words simply echo what we know by faith

Throughout the Bible we pick up the same thread, like this, from the Apostle Paul.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is good for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29  NIV

Can you imagine the ripple effects if we took Paul's words to heart?

It would transform our lives--and our relationships.

Where do we start?

For most of us, changing and growing is a gradual process. For Christians it's also a matter of praying, asking God to make us new and to show us how to live.   

We resolve to think before we speak and to listen to our own words. We remember how often we fail at that so we ask God to help us. To indeed, set a guard over our mouth and to keep watch over our lips. 

And always, we remember we are not on our own. Jesus is always with us and enabling us to carry out what he asks of us. Even zip up our loose lips.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

Trusting, too,

Lenore

Are you tired of replaying yesterday's slip-ups?

Life would be simpler if the only memories that hung around were happy.  

I say this as a recovering second-guesser. If you're one, too, then you know my typical self-talk:

"Oh, for Pete's sake, why didn't I ______?"

"How could I have forgotten _______?"

 "Where was my brain when I needed it?" 

Whatever the situation, this running conversation of regret can stretch on for hours. Or days. Or even for years.  

Later, always later, I think of what I should have said. 

It can be as trivial as Was this the right outfit to wear? Or more serious, like Was that the best advice to give my struggling family member?

You name it. I always know exactly what I should have said or done.

When it's too late to change it. 

Knowing all the while it's useless to think about it. 

"Do not fret" and other nuggets of truth

My friend "Connie," brought me up short one day when I was reciting my failures, real or imagined. She scolded, "Do not fret!"

Then she smiled and told how she stopped second-guessing herself. 

"Look. Russ and I have five kids and we've moved around a lot. Early days I could always find something to fret about, all the ways I coulda/woulda/shoulda been a better person. I would keep running it over in my mind until I was all worked up.

"Eventually Russ would ask, 'What's bothering you?'

"Guess I hoped for sympathy, but he'd hug me and say, 'Aww, just let it go, Hon. It's no big deal.' Most of the time he was right.  

"Still, the habit refused to die. Then a church friend told what helped her go from anxious to calm. She first would ask forgiveness if she knew she offended or hurt someone. But what helped her most was speaking Philippians 4:6-7 aloud--to herself or in her mind. I resolved to try it myself.  

"What a blessing! I love those Philippians verses and even now, they keep me on track."

Discovering the truth of those verses for myself

At home I read Philippians 4:6-7 again in my NIV Bible:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Then I went over those verses more slowly and let them play in my mind--and heart. Gradually a sense of wholeness and calm washed over me.

Those verses became a treasure to me, too. Little by little I gave up looking back on my failures and learned to drown out old messages with Bible verses that speak peace to my heart.

I found I also needed to learn to leave my burden with God.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.  Psalm 55:22  NIV

Forget overnight transformation 

By now I've relearned this lesson so often that my perspective on life has changed and these days I spend way less time on useless replays. 

But that doesn't make me immune to second-guessing myself. I still go back to Philippians 4:6-7 to recover my calm and peace.  

Here are the same verses, from The Message paraphrase:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Be patient with yourself 

I wish I could say I'm perfectly calm, day after day. Uh-uh. But I have changed.

Here's how it went for me. Every time I caught myself replaying what was behind me I turned it over to my loving Father and said something like, "Sorry, I blew it again. Lord, help me leave the past in the past. Let me be done with all this angst."

Then whenever the nagging thoughts started, I repeated Bible verses like the Phillipians already mentioned and of course, Phillipians 4:8:

Finally, brothers (and sisters,) whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  ESV

Think on these things

Whatever else is happening--or not happening--in our lives, we can find the good if we look for it. If we fix our thoughts on Jesus instead of ourselves. That makes all the difference.

What counts most is knowing when we trust in Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are forgiven, even then.

We can find hope in promises like Romans 8:28:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good.

We don't have to see why or how that can be true. It's enough to know our merciful God knows. 

When we catch ourselves once again running the hamster wheel of regret it's good to remember our failures in living are more likely an annoyance than a crisis. In other words, they're not worth all the drama.

So let's breathe deep and remember who we are in Jesus and get on with life. 

Learning, still,

Lenore