A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

What does it take to stay married?

A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing--and continuing to believe--that staying married for life is possible.   

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life. 

• It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together. 
• Focusing on your mutual goal(s)--and letting petty annoyances go.
• Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort--and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops. 

Then we knew we were lucky--and blessed--to find each other.  

Now we know we are lucky--and blessed--to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life--and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

 

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together. 

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

• It's not up to our husband--or wife--to make us happy 
  Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.
  
  
• Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness 
  Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?
  
  
• News flash: Males and females think differently 
  This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he ... ?" or "Why can't she ... ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat. 
  
  
• Learning to communicate--and really listen to each other--takes time--but it's worth it 
  Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.
  
  
• Mutual trust is like gold
  Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?  
  
  
• Relationships thrive on authenticity
  Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."
  
  
• Simple kindness makes life better for both
  We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives--and our own.
  
  
• Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
  Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)
  
  
• A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
  Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

 

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?  

 

Praying for you,

Lenore

 

How did Albert Einstein teach us about human potential?

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but I like this Einstein quote:  

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

I laughed the first time I read those words, but then their logic hit me. 

I think Einstein was talking about more than fish. About people. You and me.

Think about it, don't we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they're capable of?

Even people we love?

I thought of that quote when I heard a radio profile celebrating the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist. You've heard his music if you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies. 

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned supreme and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Although he was musically gifted, Frank dropped out of New York's City College after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

As you might guess, this did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Perhaps it's not surprising that Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, hardly worthy of being called "music." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

That left Frank Loesser, famous and beloved for years by performers and audiences all over America, feeling he never measured up to his family's standards.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

The better way is to look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. It's good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind--and isn't that a wonderful thing? It's as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   -- NIV

We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our expectations. 

This quietly eats away at relationships, whether it's husband and wife, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. 

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Still learning,

Lenore

 

Three simple steps to living more happily

Life is a continuous learning channel, have you noticed?

By now I know that some "little" things can make big changes in our lives. Here are three:

1.    Get real.

2.    Get focused.

3.    Get thankful.

Curious? Read on.

1.  Get real

My husband is great, truly. That doesn't mean we're always on the same wave length. Or that we never talk past each other.

Take the day I gave one of those "poor little me" remarks and he replied, "You're only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn't. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?"

After I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he's not wired that way.

Common sense tells me flowery gestures come cheap--and can be empty. A marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. My husband lives that, so I know I'm blessed. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. It helps to watch out for distractions like TV shows and social media, because they can be enticing traps. We look at our imperfect lives and get depressed.

We forget that we see only what they want us to see.

2.  Get focused

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph messages by what we focus on.

I saw that played out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck.

All around them sat other couples and other families with everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody talked to anybody, at least not any live person sitting at the same table. 

The contrast was painful. Even more, one focus built family strength and love. The other satisfied a moment's curiosity.

This is important because what we focus on also dictates our moods and how we view our lives.

3.  Get thankful

I've learned it makes a huge difference in my day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.

At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking Him for the good stuff and saying a simple, "Thank you," to the Giver. Then I commit people I'm concerned about and whatever happens to trouble me to God. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul sums it up, in Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Once we fix our thoughts on what's real and what's right in our lives and the people we love, living happily comes natural. Instead of scowling at what's wrong with the world we can fasten on God's goodness and smile.

(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)

Still learning,

Lenore

What do marriage and the city of Rome have in common?

Rome wasn't built in a day or two. Neither is a marriage.

Every one of us who is married longs to have a happy marriage. But how?     

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God. We assumed every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

Then came babies. 

And bills.

And life.

We two opposite personalities we should have expected occasional times of strain.  

But they always surprised us.    

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

I loved my husband and children dearly but the daily grind was grinding me down. 

Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

• "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
• "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
• "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband said, "Sure," so we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we'd settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times when we felt distant. Our life was no romance movie, for sure, but we both knew it was above-average good. 

I simply longed for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. As always, we began  by sharing our needs and praying for each other. One woman tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

Then a woman a few years older said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God makes all things new. For years my husband and I had a ho-hum marriage. I wanted more. When I started praying differently God transformed our marriage." 

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better--if He chose--so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard His still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I overlooked my husband's many good qualities and saw only what I needed. I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

"That became my daily prayer.

"When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

 "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. After awhile he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage--and in me. 

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In later weeks other women shared their stories of how God changed them--and their marriages. 

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I'd been living with a plank in my eye. 

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead our relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper.  

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength ... The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

There's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

You just read the strongest foundation for building a happy marriage and a strong family. 

The good news is it's (almost) never too late for a turnaround.

Still learning--and relearning, (Sigh.)

Lenore

 

 

Take another look at what you see

You've probably heard more than one variation on this story.

A new teacher comes into a classroom--any classroom.

For whatever reason, this teacher believes certain students are super-bright and it will be a privilege to teach such high-achievers, then treats them that way.

The kids respond and blossom and turn in exceptionally good work.

The teacher is happy, the students are happy and day after day, peace reigns.

Much later the teacher discovers that early assumption was wrong

These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down had considered them to be chronic behavior problems.

All this was an open secret among the long-time teachers. They were glad somebody else got stuck with these "slow learners." Always before these kids struggled in class and got sent to the principal's office on a regular basis. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help them ended up frustrated. None of them liked to admit it, but the truth was these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

At first they laughed when the new teacher treated these same youngsters as if they were high-achievers. Then, well, it was a bit embarrassing when the students responded in kind. it turned out they lived up to their teacher's expectations and then some.

It doesn't work out this neatly in real life, of course.

But the basic principle still holds true

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our husbands. Our children. Our friends and extended families. Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

We can get stuck in what they--and we--used to be.

It helps to pretend you've just met and ask, "Who is this person?" You may be surprised with what you find.

Sometimes we do the same thing with ourselves

Every now and then it's good to ask the same question of ourselves: Who am I today?  

Think how often we say, "I never," or, "I always."

That was true yesterday. Is it still true today?

Probably more than we're aware of, what we see--and expect--is what we'll get, from others and from ourselves.

What worked with those kids also works with us adults

You've heard that phrase, "What you see is what you get."

It's true, for all of us and all our relationships. People live up to our expectations--and so do we ourselves.

The Apostle Paul tells us how to get a new outlook on people--and on ourselves--in 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our hearts. Pride has to go. From now on, here's to seeing with new eyes.

Still learning, too,

Lenore