Hang on to your personal power!

Most of us have said it at some time: "He/she makes me so mad!" 

Blog. Couple making up. 4.25We're not hotheads, you and I, but you know how it goes. "Some people" just won't cooperate.

Won't face the truth.

Won't see it our way.

What then? It can feel good to spew forth a stream of complaints and reasons why we are right. We tell ourselves we're vindicated and pat ourselves on the back for being strong.

That lasts a few delicious moments. 

But . . .  

Angry, careless words can be costly, especially in a marriage. They quickly poison the atmosphere between husband and wife. 

Divide families.

End friendships.

Put up walls between people that can stay in place for generations. 

So what do we do?

This is the time to swallow hard and take our own advice, like the logic we repeat to our children and younger friends. Who hasn't said something like:  "Nobody else makes you mad. You choose it. Any time you get mad, she (or he) wins."

That's true, but it's hard to stay unruffled when someone--of any age--is pushing our buttons. Some of us learned this truth the hard way and know when we "lose it," we shrink our personal power.  

Every healthy relationship thrives on give-and-take and mutual respect, which allows each one to hang onto their self-esteem. 

Verbal attacks usually feel satisfying in the moment--and may even be well-justified, but in the end, they tarnish and tear down.

Well, nobody's perfect

Yes, but any of us can up our score if we're willing to seek help. Professional counselors are available in every community, but often what makes us hesitate is wondering whom we can trust.  

Talk to your pastor first. They're good listeners and many are good counselors. They also can offer names of trusted professional counselors. That's preferable to simply picking a name from Internet listings and profiles.

Always, the wisdom of Scripture provides a solid base. Take Proverbs 15:1, for example:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 

For years I considered that to be a bit wimpy, a lot like "put up and shut up." 

I know now that responding with gentleness to another person's anger takes a lot of inner strength, the exact opposite of weakness. 

We live in the world and people notice what we do and say

Living out that principle should be easiest with people we know best and love most, but sometimes home is where we most often "get on each other's nerves".

Yet home is the proving ground and it determines whether we're genuine. Our words need to match our deeds or our words don't ring true. Even when we're angry we are to treat others with respect. 

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.    1 John 3:18

How do we hang onto our power? Jesus told his followers how in Luke 6:31:  

"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them."   

The Better Way

Don't get me wrong. We're human beings, after all, which ensures we will stumble and slip even in a strong friendship or a happy marriage. Despite our good intentions, sometimes we'll still feel that urge to let 'er rip.  

Always, the best strategy is to: 

  • Remind ourselves of the other person's good qualities
  • Remember the good times and talk about them
  • Pray for healing
  • Remember that like a broken bone that mends, your relationship can come through stronger than before.                                                                                                                                                              Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32

Differences can be a plus  

Surprises are a given, even for couples who knew each other well. Perhaps a wife and husband come to realize they are opposites. Then what?  

First, last and always, talk things through, even though it's hard. Some counselors advise couples to hold hands and look each other in the eye while you hash it out. Be honest, but be kind. No name-calling.  

Many couples find that over time each one comes to appreciate qualities in the other that once irritated them. 

Put another way, two "opposites" can complement each other. As one wise advisor worded it, the two fill in each other's missing places. Together such a couple becomes "more" than either spouse could be on their own.

Be patient, remembering this can't be an overnight fix. Give it time as you learn to know each other--and yourself--better and trust each other more.

Power comes from knowing who we are and having ourselves under control

That flies contrary to today's opinions, doesn't it? Think about those you know whom you consider "powerful". Aren't those qualities on display?

When that's our customary temperament and behavior we can be described as "self-possessed". Merriam-Webster.com defines that term this way:  "control of one's emotions or reactions especially when under stress"

That sums it up, don't you think? 

For me as a Christian, the wisest words on how to live--in every situation--always can be found in what Jesus said in Matthew 7:12 and again in Luke 6:31:

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Wishing you JOY in your day-to-day,

Lenore

 


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