A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How to put more joy in your marriage

Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?     

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

Then came babies. 

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

Yet, somehow they did.     

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ....

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

• "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
• "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
• "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better--if He chose--so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

 "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage--and in me. 

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them--and their marriages. 

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength ... The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself--or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends! 

Lenore

With love to Moms: Each One a Woman of Lasting Influence

                                                                           Dear Mom,

If you're a younger mom and feel overwhelmed, this is for you.

     If your children are grown and you wonder sometimes whether you "accomplished anything" in your life, this is for you, too.

Whatever your age--or the ages of your children--you are a world-changer.

            I didn't understand that in the beginning. I wish I had.      

            Consider this a love note from one mom to another:

                        You matter--and don't you forget it!

(Dear Reader, I pray you'll be lifted and blessed by reading what's below and take it personally. Although we probably have not met, if you're a mom we already have a lot in common.  --Lenore)  

____________________________________________

A Woman of Lasting Influence

Every other accomplishment takes second place to being a mom.

We may find that hard to believe. In the midst of our hurry years, every day of the week we perform juggling acts that amaze no one but ourselves.

Always a new challenge.

Always the tiredness.

Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever get your life back.

Or your joy.

You will if you look deeper. And wider.

Snatch a few minutes alone and reflect on your life in Christ. Leave what troubles you at His cross. Then focus on every reason for thanks. Rejoice in your children, each one a complex bundle of strengths and challenges.

Let truth sink in deep. Your love and cheers, your sweat and your tears are helping these youngsters grow into the individuals God created them to be.

Mark this well: You're not dithering away your time. Your mothering will live on. You are rearing somebody's parent, somebody's grandparent, leaving your mark on generations yet to be born.

Influencing tomorrows you will never see.

That gives every minute lasting value.

Day after day you're rearing your children, growing a family, making a life. Refuse to discount your life's work.

You are a mother by God's design, redeemed by Jesus Christ, and led by His Spirit.

Each child is your child by God's design.

Live in the joy of knowing no one else can mother your kids or love your kids as well as you can. Wrap the gladness of what's good around you and feel the warmth of it.

You are right where you are meant to be.

The steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children.   Ps. 103:17 (ESV) 

____________________________________________

Excerpted from my book Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Concordia Publishing House. Also available from the usual booksellers. 

(Short pieces that share some of what I learned along the way.)

Pointers that strengthen all your relationships

What can we do to build a closer marriage relationship and/or to rear strong kids?  

Here's a hint: Don't fall into the trap of dragging the past into today. 

How do we do that? Play this conversation in your mind:

She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"      

He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."

She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."

He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"

Etc.

Can you spot the pattern of these remarks?

These two seem more interested in pointing fingers of blame than in understanding each other.

Parents often copy that pattern with their kids, too 

Last time Brody brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.  

So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.

She frowns and says, "Oh, Brody, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. Never. About anything."

If there's a mom (or dad) out there who has not once said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.

It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.

Blacklist those two words

"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and drowns out any motivation to reach understanding. 

Either of these two words--or their cousins--shuts down the other person's heart.   

Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and never into the exchange. What could our spouse or our child feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response would be, "What's the use? Why bother to try?"

Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around, even if it goes underground. Mending the broken places can take a long time. If ever. 

Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages. 

What to do?

The first thing is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, perhaps even make us a bit weepy.

There's a blessing in that. It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.

Next we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?

Often that's not a comfortable place as other regrets surface and our tears flow. 

That's a good sign, however. It hints that we're ready to change and find the better, happier way to live.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the better way, here in Ephesians 4:29:

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  NLT

And speaking of talking...

More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.  NIV

This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change?

Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    Isaiah 41:10  ESV

That's where we begin, by asking our loving God to wash away the crud of yesterday's mistakes and give us a fresh start.

What if we find ourselves our slipping back into our old habits?

Don't be discouraged. Rather, let's thank God for putting the "want to" in our hearts because it shows we're growing in faith and inner strength. 

Is it easy?

Is it easy to let go of what seems "natural" and make a new start, maybe over and over? No, it's not "easy".

We start by believing what the Bible says about it.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ... Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.    Romans 5:8; 1  ESV

God loved us "...while we were still sinners ... ."

God loves us now, while we still struggle. The old ways that we clung to got in the way of our life and relationships being good--and deep down, we knew it. What's called for at any point in this growth journey is a humble heart and the willingness to begin again.

If/when we fail how often can we start over? As often as the sun rises in the morning, because our loving God never gives up on us.

And I'm just sayin', that's pretty simple. Always remember that and never forget.

Thankful, too,

Lenore

Building a marriage that lasts

Do you realize that you and your husband (or wife) might be poster children for marriage?

After all, you cared enough to commit--and you're still married. Every day you decide again to love each other.

One day at a time you keep on loving and keep on growing.

If you doubt that you've grown, take a look back. Notice how your marriage relationship has deepened and strengthened since you said, "I do.". How you have a new understanding of what it means to love your spouse.

This screams against the plot of almost every TV show and movie. If marriages are shown, most often they are depicted as troubled relationships. Married or single, people sleep around. It seems to be standard fare to include cynics and bitter divorcees as secondary figures.  

Off the screen, where are others to find a positive image of marriage if not from people like you and your spouse? 

Notice, I did not say, "perfect marriage partners."

Marriages endure not because the husband and wife are perfect, but because they love and they are willing.

Willing to forgive. 

Willing to work through the tough stuff of life together.

Willing to keep at it and try again. And again. And again.

The Apostle Paul tells us how to accomplish that:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.   Ephesians 4:32                                 

Everybody has "issues." Get over it

That's a lesson many of us have to learn along the way. 

Children and singles think in terms of, "I, me and mine." As a married couple, life gets happier--for both--when each one frames life in terms of, "you, us and ours."

One day it's this person whose needs take first priority, the next it's the other. In a marriage, in a family, it's give-and-take. Without keeping score.

In a marriage, if one person always "wins," both lose.

This requires us to learn to do what may not come easily. For example, instead of harping on faults, real or imagined, we strive to commend strengths and affirm what's good.

Do we all fail? Yes. Can we fail and yet be worthy of love? Yes. Those of us who are Christians know what it means to be forgiven and loved and accepted in Christ, so it becomes a matter of passing on what we've been given.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8                                                                                                   

Just "being there" counts

So you're not perfect. No one is--or can be. But you are there.

When you stay, you give your kids a gift beyond price. Your children will know the balance of having a mom and a dad. Moms provide the, "Oh, be careful! You could get hurt!"

Dads say, "Aw, you'll be fine. Go for it!" 

Children do best when they grow up with that mix of caution and daring.

As you stay, you model for your children that you believe in marriage and consider your life as a family worth what it takes to keep it going. You give your kids an example that will strengthen them when they marry. 

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.   1 John 4:11

You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers

Some may be disillusioned and uncertain about marriage because they tried it and ended up divorced. Singles may think they don't want to risk because they think at some point divorce would be inevitable. 

Seize openings to come alongside, not to pressure anyone, but simply to share how God strengthens you. Tell them he supplies the love you need to forgive each other and to keep on. Your words carry weight because you are living out what you say.

This already qualifies you to encourage other couples who've hit a rough spot.

You don't need to be an expert or play games. You point them to Help when you humbly say, "My husband (or wife) and I couldn't make it if we didn't know we can lean on the Lord."

As you do, you witness to the value of marriage, but also that you belong to Christ. 

I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Ephesians 4:1-2   

It's a given that no one can do this flawlessly, but in every situation, every time, we can put our hearts and our prayers into doing and saying what builds up, rather than in being proven "right." 

Lovingly,

Lenore

For those days when home life feels bumpy

Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.  

Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated. 

I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but .... 

 I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day. 

Trying to shift gears for my day

I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.  

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning
How wearily all the day
the words unkind
would trouble my mind, that
I said when you went away;
I would have been more careful, darling;
nor given you needless pain;
But we vex our own
with a look and tone
We may never take back again.

For though in the quiet evening
You may give me the kiss of peace;
Yet, it might be, that never for me
The pain of the heart may cease.

How many go forth in the morning
and never come home at night,
and hearts have broken
for harsh words spoken

That sorrow can never set right.

                                            --Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Before I got to the end . . .

Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.  

As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.  

That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."  

Truths more lasting than any poem

These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well. 

[Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?"   Matthew 7:3-4  ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7  ESV

When my husband and I reunited later that day . . . 

I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

Small insights can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?  

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days. 

As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other--and with ourselves--even though we thought we already were.

You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think--and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.  

Fruit that is sweet.

May it do the same for you, my friend,

Lenore

How to raise your happiness level right where you are

Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that. 

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs--or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new--and we will--we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere. 

Molehills grow into mountains in no time. 

Stick with the better way            

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child--whatever their age--and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.  

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships. 

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family. 

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating. 

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky. 

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel--without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

• Each family member shares the high point of their day.
• Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day--while the others listen.
• (Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.") 
• Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch." 

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends. 

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel--and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow: 

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17 

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  --Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change--and our happiness level will keep rising. 

Learning, too,

Lenore