A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

A simple way to have a happier home

If we want a closer marriage relationship and/or we want to rear strong kids, where do we start? 

Hint: Don't copy this couple.

She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"      

He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."

She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."

He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"

Do you recognize the pattern here?

These two are not off on a good start toward understanding each other.

We do it with our kids, too

Last time Nicky brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.  

So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.

She frowns and says, "Nicky, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. About anything."

If there's a mom (or dad) out there who never said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.

It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.

Blacklist those two words

"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and motivation to reach understanding evaporates.

Either of these two words shuts down the other person's heart.   

Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and never into the exchange. What could our spouse or our one of our children feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response is, "What's the use?"

Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around. It can take a long time to mend the broken places.

Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages. 

What to do?

The first step is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, even make us a bit weepy.

Here's the blessing in that: It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.

Then we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?

Don't be surprised if regrets surface and more tears flow.

That signals we're ready to change. With humble hearts and our Lord's help we can find the better way.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the how-to, here in Ephesians 4:29:

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  NLT

And speaking of talking...

More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.                                                        NIV

This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change old habits?

Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    --Isaiah 41:10  ESV

Still growing, too,

Lenore

Help for the days when you've had it with being a wife and mother

Bad days happen to everyone once in awhile, even happy, long-married wives--and husbands.  

Days you may you feel over-used and under-appreciated. Enough is enough.  

Days when once again you gave your all and once again no one noticed.  

I remember one otherwise unremarkable morning when I sighed big sighs and banged a few cupboard doors for emphasis. When my husband, on his way out the door, didn't pick up on my cues I stamped my foot and said, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

My husband listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, I have to go. Let's talk about this tonight." Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat, he headed off to his day.

I was not smiling.

Shifting Gears

I had no time to sit and stew because I was scheduled to speak at a women's gathering that afternoon. My topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic. 

Still, they were depending on me so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts. Lastly I read again the old poem I loved for years and planned to use as a wrap up.

This time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.  

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning how wearily all the day

The words unkind would trouble my mind that I said when you went away,

I had been more careful, darling, nor given you needless pain;

But we vex our own with look and tone we may never take back again.

 

Yet though in the quiet evening you may give me the kiss of peace,

Yet it well might be that never for me the pain of the heart should cease!

How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!

And hearts have broken for harsh words spoken that sorrow can ne'er set right.

 

We have careful thought for the stranger, and smiles for the sometime guest;

But oft for "our own" the bitter tone, though we love our own the best.

Ah, lips with the curve impatient, Ah, brow with the shade of scorn,

 'Twere a cruel fate, were the night too late to undo the work of the morn!

                                                                                    --Margaret E. Sangster     

Before I got to the end my tears dissolved my list of grievances. Now my complaints seemed petty and self-centered.

A question drummed on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

I had no guarantees I would see him or my children again.

That moment I promised myself I would never again say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

Because of the morning my afternoon went well, probably because I finally got rid of log in my eye and stopped fixating on the speck in my husband's eye. (Matthew 7:3)

When my husband came home after a long day's work I grabbed him as soon as he walked in the door and hugged him tight. Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

A small insight can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed knowing that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as me, maybe more? 

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days. Like that day, when I realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem written more than one-hundred years ago began a change within me. Within both of us and the way we communicate. It bears fruit within our marriage and family to this day.

Fruit that is sweet.

Lovingly,

Lenore

With love to Moms: Women of Lasting Influence

 Dear Mom,                                                                                Whatever your age--or the ages of your children--you are a world-changer.

    I didn't understand that in the beginning. I wish I had.

    If you're a younger mom and feel overwhelmed, this is for you.

    If your children are grown and you wonder sometimes whether you accomplished anything in your life, this is for you, too.

    Consider this a love note from one mom to another.

    You matter--and don't you forget it!

 ____________________________________________

A Woman of Lasting Influence

Every other accomplishment takes second place to being a mom.

We may find that hard to believe. In the midst of our hurry years, every day of the week we perform juggling acts that amaze no one but ourselves.

Always a new challenge.

Always the tiredness.

Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever get your life back.

Or your joy.

You will if you look deeper. And wider.

Snatch a few minutes alone and reflect on your life in Christ. Leave what troubles you at His cross. Then focus on every reason for thanks. Rejoice in your children, each one a complex bundle of strengths and challenges.

Let truth sink in deep. Your love and cheers, your sweat and your tears are helping these youngsters grow into the individuals God created them to be.

Mark this well: You're not dithering away your time. Your mothering will live on. You are rearing somebody's parent, somebody's grandparent, leaving your mark on generations yet to be born.

Influencing tomorrows you will never see.

That gives every minute lasting value.

Day after day you're rearing your children, growing a family, making a life. Refuse to discount your life's work.

You are a mother by God's design, redeemed by Jesus Christ, and led by His Spirit.

Each child is your child by God's design.

Live in the joy of knowing no one else can mother your kids or love your kids as well as you can. Wrap the gladness of what's good around you and feel the warmth of it.

You are right where you are meant to be.

The steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children. --Ps. 103:17 (ESV) 

____________________________________________

Excerpted from my book Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Concordia Publishing House.

Also available from the usual booksellers. 

What does it take to stay married?

A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing--and continuing to believe--that staying married for life is possible.   

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life. 

• It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together. 
• Focusing on your mutual goal(s)--and letting petty annoyances go.
• Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort--and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops. 

Then we knew we were lucky--and blessed--to find each other.  

Now we know we are lucky--and blessed--to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life--and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

 

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together. 

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

• It's not up to our husband--or wife--to make us happy 
  Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.
  
  
• Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness 
  Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?
  
  
• News flash: Males and females think differently 
  This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he ... ?" or "Why can't she ... ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat. 
  
  
• Learning to communicate--and really listen to each other--takes time--but it's worth it 
  Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.
  
  
• Mutual trust is like gold
  Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?  
  
  
• Relationships thrive on authenticity
  Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."
  
  
• Simple kindness makes life better for both
  We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives--and our own.
  
  
• Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
  Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)
  
  
• A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
  Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

 

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?  

 

Praying for you,

Lenore

 

How did Albert Einstein teach us about human potential?

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but I like this Einstein quote:  

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

I laughed the first time I read those words, but then their logic hit me. 

I think Einstein was talking about more than fish. About people. You and me.

Think about it, don't we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they're capable of?

Even people we love?

I thought of that quote when I heard a radio profile celebrating the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist. You've heard his music if you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies. 

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned supreme and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Although he was musically gifted, Frank dropped out of New York's City College after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

As you might guess, this did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Perhaps it's not surprising that Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, hardly worthy of being called "music." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

That left Frank Loesser, famous and beloved for years by performers and audiences all over America, feeling he never measured up to his family's standards.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

The better way is to look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. It's good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind--and isn't that a wonderful thing? It's as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   -- NIV

We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our expectations. 

This quietly eats away at relationships, whether it's husband and wife, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. 

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Still learning,

Lenore