A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Build a lasting marriage on "we" instead of "me"

Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him--or her--happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds. 

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

• The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.
• No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions. 
• Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish. 

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect. 

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.  

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think--or care--about the needs of our husband or wife. 

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time--or energy--for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.   

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak--kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice: 

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives. 

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

• God before we 
• We before you
• You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  ESV

This much I know for sure 

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always, 

Lenore

How to raise your happiness level right where you are

Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that. 

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs--or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new--and we will--we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere. 

Molehills grow into mountains in no time. 

Stick with the better way            

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child--whatever their age--and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.  

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships. 

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family. 

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating. 

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky. 

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel--without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

• Each family member shares the high point of their day.
• Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day--while the others listen.
• (Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.") 
• Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch." 

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends. 

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel--and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow: 

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.  --Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  --2 Corinthians 5:17 

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  --Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change--and our happiness level will keep rising. 

Learning, too,

Lenore

 

Did someone mess up your Camelot?

Some of us may be thinking that right now.

Camelot, the stuff dreams are made of.

Camelot, the mythical kingdom where the flowers always bloomed and the sun always shone. Perfection.

In that magical place no maiden ever felt a pang of distress for long because somehow, a brave knight always waited to rescue her--and just in time.

Ladies in elaborate gowns sipped tea and cakes--yet never had to boil or bake.

Never was heard an angry word and tranquility reigned, at least on the surface. 

Ah, Camelot. Or if you prefer, Downton Abbey.

Either one will do--provided it comes with a downstairs staff and Mr. Carson.

The problem is, you and I live in the real world

With real people. 

People we find hard to tolerate, not because they've harmed us but because, well, just because. Who needs more reason than that? 

People with whom we may disagree. Strongly. Yet here we are living in the same world, maybe right next door to each other.

Business associates and political leaders--whoever they are--probably will let us down and we will chafe at them even being allowed to hold power of any kind. 

On a personal level, sometimes even the best of us let each other down. Husbands fail wives and wives fail their husbands. Parents fail their children--and vice versa. Friends walk out of our lives and we don't know why.

All this is part of the human condition. If we expect any person in our lives to be perfect, it's a dream more elusive than Camelot.  

And we set ourselves up to be disappointed because we human beings are, well, human. That is, flawed.

The trick is to stop looking "out there" and focus on what's good 

Most of us can call to mind at least a few times we under-valued what we have. That's a waste. When we take it for granted we can forget we are blessed .  

How we live, how we treat the people in our lives and the choices we make are within our control. That's true whoever we are and whatever our life situation.

Even if everything is stripped away, we still decide our outlook on life.

Will we keep a running list of what we lack or will we open our eyes to ways we are blessed?  

It's our own four walls that spell home and warmth, not those stunning houses we see on HGTV.

It's the flesh-and-blood people in our lives who fill our hearts and give life meaning, not the "beautiful people" we may read about or admire on TV. 

It's our own bodies and health we need to care for, whatever our shape or size and whatever the state of our health.

God gifts us with each day and that alone is reason to celebrate.

Perhaps it's time for a turnaround in our thinking

First comes the knowing. Then comes the will to appreciate who we are and what we have.  

Can we change? Absolutely. We just need to take the Apostle Paul at his word.  

[This is what the LORD says] "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"  --Isaiah 43:18-19  NIV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  --2 Corinthians 5:17   NIV

In Jesus Christ, we are new, with new eyes. And we can turn to him as long as there's breath in our bodies. 

As for Camelot--or Downton Abbey--I'd love to visit sometime. But I wouldn't trade the joys and challenges of relating to real life and real people. 

(Still, it would be nice to have a downstairs staff, don't you think?)

Blessings,

Lenore

Build a Marriage that Lasts

Is building a strong marriage hard? 

It can be, but more accurately, it takes ongoing attention. Even when you're not in the mood to talk and to listen.

Romance novels and films often feature a plot that ends with some way of showing us, "And they lived happily ever after."

In real life that never happens. Not for two (imperfect) human beings who share a life, day after day.

Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

What is true is that even the best marriage takes care and feeding, as with most every other living thing. 

For life.

Love, by itself, is never enough

I'm not a professional, but here's what a lot of Christian counselors tell us. It's no big secret how to grow a strong marriage. Here's the formula:

We before You

You before Me.

We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires. 

You:  I place my husband (wife) and what he (she) needs and wants ahead of having it my way--and vice versa. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

Me:  What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be brings up the rear.

The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds, yelling, "I want it my way!" 

Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

Let this be the criteria by which you weigh your choices. 

Keep first things first

When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage come first with me." 

All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other. 

That's life. For everyone.  

It's not that clear-cut for parents. Children have a way of interrupting plans and they crowd out together time for Mom and Dad. That stage of life can go on for awhile, even for years. Just don't give up on finding ways to stay connected as a couple.

The two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

Your children are watching how you interact--and smile when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile."

Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They know they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.    

So even as you give your spouse the gift of love you give your children the gift of stability.

How do we keep love alive?

Love needs regular care and feeding, so figure out how to snatch some time for the two of you. Get creative for ways to keep your kids occupied, then find a quiet corner. It's all about what works for you.

First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

Speak words of love, too. Tell each other often that you want to keep your relationship strong.

Somehow hearing the words helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building the strength of our marriage.

Many counselors advise couples to hold hands and face each other eye-to-eye, even when you're not in the mood to hold hands.

Even if it feels forced, that skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

That sums it up rather neatly, don't you think?

Again and again we will fail

But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other--and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter. 

It feels very lonely when you're stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.

Is it ever too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.  

Even if only one partner changes--and perseveres--the effect can be positive. Healing can begin.

A husband and wife who seek to live this out develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows. Love grows and blooms again.

That translates into a marriage that lasts.

Enduring wisdom to live by

The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians. Phillipians 2:2-5, here from the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase: 

Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

Here's to living strong in Jesus, whether we're married or single!

Peace and joy,

Lenore

What does it take to be a good dad?

The definition keeps changing

Not so long ago a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck passed the test. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Maybe Dad attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. It was okay if he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work."

Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you work so hard. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times any Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family. 

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then vs. now

Moms today typically expect Dad to be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children? 

When life gets in the way and he can't--or she can't--the parent who feels stuck with filling in might say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time Mom and Dad see each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like,  "What about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage would say this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both lose.

Who's on first?

A wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice early on. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once you're back to the two of you."  

Always, the prime goal is maintaining your closeness as a couple, a team.

Even though you love your children with all your hearts, let them come in second unless it's an emergency or some kind of threatening situation. 

Why would loving parents do that? 

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We are all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Author Patsy Clairmont says our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So let's cut each other some slack. Let's be quick to forgive and accept each other. And our sons and daughters, too.

That's every dad and mom's most effective way to model for their children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Your day-after-day example of love and mutual forgiveness will benefit your kids all their lives.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

What if Father's Day dredges up old hurts? 

Many adults still ache to hear their father say, "I love you."    

Why so silent? Generations of men believed providing for their wife and children demonstrated their love loud and plainly, so what more could anyone ask of them?  

Factor in this basic, sad truth. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

If you're still hurting, healing is possible.  

There's only one requirement. It means being willing to lay down that battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. 

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

Life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Then we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Here's the Good News. We don't have to generate that love on our own.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Nor one parenting style, either.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's your standard for parenting, no worries. Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom" in the memories of your children because they'll remember the love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Peace and joy!

Lenore

Discover your pluses

"What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.  

But there's more to this truth:

Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event. 

Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.  

Working with a saint

Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman. 

In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.  

No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong." 

Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup. 

After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare. 

Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed--again--to mend my evil ways. 

The great day arrives

We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed--and they hadn't called with an excuse.  

To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment. 

I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

Breakthrough!

It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two. 

I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.  

I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

Could my natural approach to life--which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness--be in its own way a strength? 

Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.   

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  --Romans 15:7  NIV

Consider it one small step for peace with others--and with ourselves. 

God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.  

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. ... Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. --Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14  NIV 

Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths--and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.  

Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose. 

Still learning,  

Lenore