A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Discover your pluses

"What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.  

But there's more to this truth:

Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event. 

Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.  

Working with a saint

Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman. 

In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.  

No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong." 

Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup. 

After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare. 

Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed--again--to mend my evil ways. 

The great day arrives

We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed--and they hadn't called with an excuse.  

To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment. 

I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

Breakthrough!

It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two. 

I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.  

I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

Could my natural approach to life--which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness--be in its own way a strength? 

Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.   

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  --Romans 15:7  NIV

Consider it one small step for peace with others--and with ourselves. 

God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.  

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. ... Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. --Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14  NIV 

Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths--and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.  

Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose. 

Still learning,  

Lenore      

 

What payback are you getting?

I can picture you reading that title and asking, "Who, me?"

Yes, you. And me. And everybody else.

Think about it. Our long-ago friend, "Jim" had no degree, but he was a specialist in understanding people. I still hear him saying one of his favorite gems that summed up what makes us humans tick: 

  "Nobody does nothin' for nothin'.'"

That's a folksy way of saying every one of us gets some kind of payback from what we do. Or don't do. 

Every time Jim said that people would say, "Hmm. Never thought of it that way."

And just that simply, he nailed it. No more discussion needed.

Children make it easy to see this theory in action

Kids sometimes seem to disobey in the most blatant ways, almost as if they want to be disciplined.

Maybe they do. That's one sure way to get attention from their parents or other adults.

For a child, negative attention beats no attention every time.  

We grownups are not so different. Think how often we find it hard to puzzle out a person's motives, wondering, Why does he (or she) always do that? What makes her (or him) talk like that?

Next time that happens think of Jim's maxim

Ask yourself what kind of payback this person may be getting.

It may be a way to get a response. Concern. Sympathy. A way to exert control without seeming to.

Somehow Jim's down-home wisdom makes the issues clear.

A big part of understanding people is to look deeper than the surface and perhaps, even "walk a mile in their shoes."  

That can change what we think. It's a bit as the well-known line from Scottish poet Robert Burns, written in 1786:

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us."

Here's the modern translation, with another line added:

Oh, would some Power give us the gift
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion . . . .

Over time Jim's question changed my perspective

First I learned to consider: What payback is he or she getting out of this behavior?

The real breakthrough came when I started asking myself: What am I getting out of saying or doing this?

Ouch!

That question quickly clears away any illusion that my motives are always pure and flow from my good heart.

And that's a good thing. It keeps me honest with myself and points me to a better way of thinking. 

Don't get me wrong 

"Paybacks" are not all negative. Who among us is so noble that we keep on and keep on without some sort of reward?

For instance, when I treat you right, you're more likely to return the same to me. That's a payback worth having.

I've never forgotten our old friend's saying. It still helps me think things through, about myself and about others.

I don't know about you, but I think human beings are endlessly fascinating. NASA can explore the dark side of the moon or life on Mars if they want to. For the rest of us, a greater mission might be to explore our own inner space and know ourselves better.

While we're exploring, let's pray for a discerning heart, as well, and let's be kind to each other.  

A mini-course in human relations from the Apostle Paul:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.      Colossians 3:12-14  ESV

Blessings,

Lenore 

Is having a happy marriage still possible?

Many people likely would answer a flat, "No. Not in today's world."                                      

The rest of us might say, "I guess so," or "I hope so."

How about you?

We can count on it if we consider our marriage as a living thing. Like any living thing, it requires regular feeding and watering--with love and forgiveness.  

Always, the mutual goal is keeping love alive and maintaining the joy of two becoming one. 

We make "we, us and our" more important than "I, me and mine."

We treat our marriage with the same tender love we show to our young children.

Finding the balance 

Even after many years of marriage, the challenge remains the same:

Every marriage consists of two individuals, two distinct personalities, two sets of priorities and preferences.

Suppose one is a loner and the other is a people person. They're attracted to each other precisely because each one "fills in what's missing" in the other. They feel complete in each other.

Too often our human nature gets in the way. We set about trying to change our spouse and make them more like we are.

Most of the time we don't know we're doing it.

Here's the clue. How often do we say, "Why can't you ever ... ?" or, "Why must you always . . . ?"

A steady drip, drip, drip of criticism and dissatisfaction slowly poisons a marriage relationship. 

The choice and the secret 

Suppose we allow each other to be who we are. Two unique individuals created by God, each one influenced by all the years and people in our lives beforehand.

Two halves of the whole, each one adding richness to the other's life. Each one appreciating the other's differentness.

The secret to a happy marriage may be as simple as being kind to each other.

Don't we instinctively feel more loving toward people who act and speak kindly to us?

How kindness plays out in the everyday

Webster's gives several definitions of the word "kindness." Here are two:  

• the capacity for feeling for another's unhappiness or misfortune
• sympathetic concern for the well-being of others.

Those qualities build closeness in a marriage. When one spouse hurts, the other feels it, too, and offers warmth and love. The bond between them deepens. 

Kindness in marriage means that instead of focusing on what's wrong with our spouse, we fasten on what's right with each other.   

Isn't that what we do with our friends? Think how casually we say, "Oh well, that's just the way she is."

Can't we be just as considerate toward the one we married?

Over time this becomes our everyday way of living together

Another way of saying this is, we respect our spouse and our children.  Mutual respect makes it natural to treat each other with consideration even when no one else is around. We speak to each other and our children in the tone of voice we want them to use with us. 

We watch what we say, too, because we know words can bless or deeply scar those who love us.

To live that way is not being subservient, but rather, demonstrating strength and self-control. It's what love looks like.

Remember, you're never alone 

Because we're (flawed) human beings, we inevitably let each other down at times. We mess up and start over. Again. Sometimes we'll become discouraged because we're not there yet.   

                                That's not the time to give up!

Take it as a reminder that Jesus died for all our failures and sins and start again. By faith we are forgiven and set right with God. That means we can forgive each other and trust that he will strengthen us and guide us.  

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.   -Psalm 32:8

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.   -Ephesians 4:32

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.   -1 John 5:14

P. S. 

Kindness nourishes any marriage relationship. Is it worth the effort?

From the bottom of my heart I can answer, "Oh, yes!""

God bless your marriage, my unseen friend, 

Lenore 

A simple way to have a happier home

If we want a closer marriage relationship and/or we want to rear strong kids, where do we start? 

Hint: Don't copy this couple.

She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"      

He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."

She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."

He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"

Do you recognize the pattern here?

These two are not off on a good start toward understanding each other.

We do it with our kids, too

Last time Nicky brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.  

So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.

She frowns and says, "Nicky, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. About anything."

If there's a mom (or dad) out there who never said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.

It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.

Blacklist those two words

"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and motivation to reach understanding evaporates.

Either of these two words shuts down the other person's heart.   

Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and never into the exchange. What could our spouse or our one of our children feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response is, "What's the use?"

Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around. It can take a long time to mend the broken places.

Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages. 

What to do?

The first step is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, even make us a bit weepy.

Here's the blessing in that: It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.

Then we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?

Don't be surprised if regrets surface and more tears flow.

That signals we're ready to change. With humble hearts and our Lord's help we can find the better way.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the how-to, here in Ephesians 4:29:

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  NLT

And speaking of talking...

More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.                                                        NIV

This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change old habits?

Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    --Isaiah 41:10  ESV

Still growing, too,

Lenore

Help for the days when you've had it with being a wife and mother

Bad days happen to everyone once in awhile, even happy, long-married wives--and husbands.  

Days you may you feel over-used and under-appreciated. Enough is enough.  

Days when once again you gave your all and once again no one noticed.  

I remember one otherwise unremarkable morning when I sighed big sighs and banged a few cupboard doors for emphasis. When my husband, on his way out the door, didn't pick up on my cues I stamped my foot and said, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

My husband listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, I have to go. Let's talk about this tonight." Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat, he headed off to his day.

I was not smiling.

Shifting Gears

I had no time to sit and stew because I was scheduled to speak at a women's gathering that afternoon. My topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic. 

Still, they were depending on me so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts. Lastly I read again the old poem I loved for years and planned to use as a wrap up.

This time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.  

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning how wearily all the day

The words unkind would trouble my mind that I said when you went away,

I had been more careful, darling, nor given you needless pain;

But we vex our own with look and tone we may never take back again.

 

Yet though in the quiet evening you may give me the kiss of peace,

Yet it well might be that never for me the pain of the heart should cease!

How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!

And hearts have broken for harsh words spoken that sorrow can ne'er set right.

 

We have careful thought for the stranger, and smiles for the sometime guest;

But oft for "our own" the bitter tone, though we love our own the best.

Ah, lips with the curve impatient, Ah, brow with the shade of scorn,

 'Twere a cruel fate, were the night too late to undo the work of the morn!

                                                                                    --Margaret E. Sangster     

Before I got to the end my tears dissolved my list of grievances. Now my complaints seemed petty and self-centered.

A question drummed on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

I had no guarantees I would see him or my children again.

That moment I promised myself I would never again say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

Because of the morning my afternoon went well, probably because I finally got rid of log in my eye and stopped fixating on the speck in my husband's eye. (Matthew 7:3)

When my husband came home after a long day's work I grabbed him as soon as he walked in the door and hugged him tight. Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

A small insight can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed knowing that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as me, maybe more? 

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days. Like that day, when I realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem written more than one-hundred years ago began a change within me. Within both of us and the way we communicate. It bears fruit within our marriage and family to this day.

Fruit that is sweet.

Lovingly,

Lenore