A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Hang on to your personal power!

Most of us have said it at some time: "He/she makes me so mad!" 

We're not hotheads, you and I, but you know how it goes. "Some people" just won't cooperate.

Won't face the truth.

Won't see it our way.

What then? It can feel good to spew forth a stream of complaints and reasons why we are right. We tell ourselves we're vindicated and pat ourselves on the back for being strong.

That lasts a few delicious moments. 

But . . .  

Angry, careless words can be costly, especially in a marriage. They quickly poison the atmosphere between husband and wife. 

Divide families.

End friendships.

Put up walls between people that can stay in place for generations. 

So what do we do?

This is the time to swallow hard and take our own advice, like the logic we repeat to our children and younger friends. Who hasn't said something like:  "Nobody else makes you mad. You choose it. Any time you get mad, she (or he) wins."

That's true, but it's hard to stay unruffled when someone--of any age--is pushing our buttons. Some of us learned this truth the hard way and know when we "lose it," we shrink our personal power.  

Every healthy relationship thrives on give-and-take and mutual respect, which allows each one to hang onto their self-esteem. 

Verbal attacks usually feel satisfying in the moment--and may even be well-justified, but in the end, they tarnish and tear down.

Well, nobody's perfect

Yes, but any of us can up our score if we're willing to seek help. Professional counselors are available in every community, but often what makes us hesitate is wondering whom we can trust.  

Talk to your pastor first. They're good listeners and many are good counselors. They also can offer names of trusted professional counselors. That's preferable to simply picking a name from Internet listings and profiles.

Always, the wisdom of Scripture provides a solid base. Take Proverbs 15:1, for example:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 

For years I considered that to be a bit wimpy, a lot like "put up and shut up." 

I know now that responding with gentleness to another person's anger takes a lot of inner strength, the exact opposite of weakness. 

We live in the world and people notice what we do and say

Living out that principle should be easiest with people we know best and love most, but sometimes home is where we most often "get on each other's nerves".

Yet home is the proving ground and it determines whether we're genuine. Our words need to match our deeds or our words don't ring true. Even when we're angry we are to treat others with respect. 

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.    1 John 3:18

How do we hang onto our power? Jesus told his followers how in Luke 6:31:  

"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them."   

The Better Way

Don't get me wrong. We're human beings, after all, which ensures we will stumble and slip even in a strong friendship or a happy marriage. Despite our good intentions, sometimes we'll still feel that urge to let 'er rip.  

Always, the best strategy is to: 

• Remind ourselves of the other person's good qualities
• Remember the good times and talk about them
• Pray for healing
• Remember that like a broken bone that mends, your relationship can come through stronger than before.                                                                                                                                                              Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32

Differences can be a plus  

Surprises are a given, even for couples who knew each other well. Perhaps a wife and husband come to realize they are opposites. Then what?  

First, last and always, talk things through, even though it's hard. Some counselors advise couples to hold hands and look each other in the eye while you hash it out. Be honest, but be kind. No name-calling.  

Many couples find that over time each one comes to appreciate qualities in the other that once irritated them. 

Put another way, two "opposites" can complement each other. As one wise advisor worded it, the two fill in each other's missing places. Together such a couple becomes "more" than either spouse could be on their own.

Be patient, remembering this can't be an overnight fix. Give it time as you learn to know each other--and yourself--better and trust each other more.

Power comes from knowing who we are and having ourselves under control

That flies contrary to today's opinions, doesn't it? Think about those you know whom you consider "powerful". Aren't those qualities on display?

When that's our customary temperament and behavior we can be described as "self-possessed". Merriam-Webster.com defines that term this way:  "control of one's emotions or reactions especially when under stress"

That sums it up, don't you think? 

For me as a Christian, the wisest words on how to live--in every situation--always can be found in what Jesus said in Matthew 7:12 and again in Luke 6:31:

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Wishing you JOY in your day-to-day,

Lenore

 

Three Essentials for Growing a Strong Marriage

The other day I couldn't help overhearing a conversation between two women. One statement has haunted me ever since: "So many couples I know have split up! Makes me wonder if it's possible to stay married, much less to be happy."

I wanted to break in and say, "Yes it is!" but I minded my manners and stayed silent.  

Here's what I wish I had said to them

After many years of happy marriage my husband and I considered three truths to be essential for a strong marriage. 

• Commitment - Make--and keep--each other and your marriage a priority.

A couple's marriage relationship is a living thing that needs regular nourishment to grow strong and healthy. How? Each partner needs to love and value their spouse--and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

Once in awhile you may hit a dry spell. That's the time to remind yourself what you love about your spouse. Remember how you felt and how you acted when you two were dating? Those emotions are still there, just buried under the minutia of daily living. As the saying goes, "Act the way you want to feel and soon you'll feel the way you act." 

(Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. But it works--in all of life.)

For everyone, life is a constant shuffle. Forget the idea of keeping score on who gives the most or who kept up their end of the job list. Seven days a week each one gives and takes and adjusts, always knowing the balance will keep changing--depending on the needs of the moment. 

Remember what--and who--counts most. Hang on to that, even in the midst of family chaos and crises.

Be as watchful of what you feed your marriage as of what you feed your dog

Leftover scraps of time and energy may keep your relationship alive, but is that all you want? Here's the second essential: 

• Communication - Being honest--and kind--with each other. 

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, usually from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around, often independently.

No wonder girls and women naturally seem more comfortable talking and opening up. Females usually believe talking helps two people understand each other.

Most of us hold back from letting anyone know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them. Building trust takes awhile, even within a good marriage. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process--and it is easily destroyed.

Be patient--and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is. 

Last, but really first, last and always

This essential: 

• Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we willingly set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

When each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying. Both partners know that whatever comes, each one can count on the other.

In a strong marriage, each one knows for sure they can count on each other and together, they can handle whatever comes up.  

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if right from the beginning we adopt a new mindset.  After marriage it's:

• "We," not "I"
• "Us," not "me"
• "Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children--at every age--watch and listen. What they observe greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.  

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.                                         Ephesians 4:2  NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.                                                                                 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a  NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

 

Married or single, in all of life we can choose whom we listen to and whom we consider our role models. 

 

Those of us who are Christians tune our hearts to truths from the Bible.  Truths that have stood over the centuries.

 

Which will it be for you?

 

Wishing you joy in your life, always,  

Lenore                                  

Keep Your Eyes Open Or You Might Miss What Matters Most

Some often-told stories speak to every one of us. Like this one:

Picture the new teacher who comes into a new classroom. Truth is, even veteran teachers each year come into the unknown. Each one faces a sea of eager (or bored) students, mostly strangers to them. 

Suppose the new teacher, for whatever reason, believes students assigned to his or her classroom are super-bright. What a privilege it will be to teach these high-achievers and give them the kind of instruction they deserve! 

Those kids respond and blossom and turn in exceptionally good work. Teacher is happy and students are happy.

Peace reigns, day after day. 

Near the end of the school year this teacher discovers the truth 

These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down considered them to be chronic behavior problems. "Somehow" they all ended up with the new teacher.  

Long-time teachers secretly rejoiced that somebody else got stuck with these "troubled learners." They knew how these kids struggled in class and got sent to the principal's office on a regular basis. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help ended up frustrated. None would admit it out loud, but these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

Small wonder the old guard laughed when the newbie teacher treated these youngsters as if they were high-achievers. After awhile they stopped being amused. Wonder of wonders, those "loser" students began to live up to their teacher's expectations--and then some.

In real life it never works out this neatly, of course.

But what if it could? What if it did?

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our spouses. Our children. Our friends and extended families. The people we work with and interact with in our everyday activities.

Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

It's disturbingly easy to get stuck in what they--and we--used to be. It helps to pretend you've just met and ask yourself, "Who is this person?"

You may be surprised at what you find.

Sometimes we do the same thing with ourselves

Every now and then it's good to ask ourselves, Who am I today?  

If that sounds like a strange thing to do, just pause and think how often you say, "I never," or, "I always."

Maybe that phrase once was true, but is it an accurate description today?

Probably more than we realize, what we expect is what will happen, over and over--with others and with ourselves.

We all know the saying, "What you see is what you get."

The truth of those words apply in so many areas of living, especially in our relationships. People tend to live up to our expectations. So do you and I in our self-appraisal of who we are and what we can do. 

The Apostle Paul tells us how to get a new outlook on ourselves and on other people--in 2 Corinthians 5:17 and in Ephesians 4:32:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.

That's the Good News of the Christian faith if we put our trust in Jesus Christ as our Savior. That's true no matter how many times we failed. It's not about how great we are or all we've been able to accomplish. HE is the one who makes us new. All we need to do is believe this is true.

Our outlook on other people changes, too. We're able to stop thinking they should live up to how we view them. Because of these same promises we can let go of old hurts and expectations. 

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our heart and how we choose to see others and ourselves. Here's to looking--and seeing--with new eyes.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

How Do We Maneuver the People Around Us?

I can picture you reading that title and asking, "Who, me?"

Yes, you. And me. And everybody else.

It was a new thought to me, too, until I met "Jim." Our long-ago friend had no degree, but he was a specialist in understanding people. I still hear him saying one of his favorite gems that summed up what makes us humans tick: 

  "Nobody does nothin' for nothin.'"

That's a folksy way of saying every one of us gets some kind of payback from what we do. Or don't do. 

Every time Jim said that people within hearing distance would say, "Hmm. Never thought of it that way."

And just that simply, he nailed it. No more discussion needed.

Children love to show us this theory in action

You don't believe it? Well, consider how kids so often disobey in what their parents or caregivers would call the most "in your face" ways to do so. If you've ever watched one of these performances you might think this child is asking to get in trouble. 

Maybe they are.

That's one sure way they can get attention from their parents or other adults.

Here's a truth worth pondering: For a child, negative attention beats no attention every time.  

Just widen the circle of your thinking to include grownups and it's apparent that we are not so different.

Think how often it's hard to puzzle out a person's motives. We may wonder, Why does he (or she) always do that? What makes her (or him) talk like that?

Then think of Jim's "principle of human motivation."

Ask yourself what kind of payback this person may be getting

It may be a way to get a response. Concern. Sympathy. Offers of help. They may not be aware of it consciously, but it can be a way to exert control without seeming to.

Somehow Jim's down-home wisdom makes the issues clear. 

Most of us know a big part of understanding people is to look deeper than the surface and perhaps, even "walk a mile in their shoes."  

That can change what we think, just as this line from Scottish poet Robert Burns said when he wrote--in 1786:

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us."

I found a modern translation, with another line added--sorry, I don't remember who wrote this, but it speaks truth:

Oh, would some Power give us the gift
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion . . . .

Over time Jim's maxim raised my understanding level

First I learned to consider: What is he or she getting out of this behavior? (Or out of saying that?)

Then came the real breakthrough. I started asking myself: What am I getting out of saying or doing this?

Ouch!

That question quickly clears away any delusion that my motives are always pure and flow from my good heart.

It keeps me honest with myself and points me to a better way of thinking. 

And that's a good thing.

Don't get me wrong 

"Paybacks" are not all negative. Who among us is so noble that we keep on and keep on endlessly without some sort of reward?

For instance, when I treat you right, you're more likely to return the same to me. That's a reward worth having.

I've never forgotten our old friend's saying. Psychological truths about human motivation and behaviors abound. Jim's simple words clear away all the murk and help me think things through, about myself and about others.

I don't know about you, but I think human beings are endlessly fascinating. NASA can explore the dark side of the moon or life on Mars if they want to. For the rest of us, a greater mission might be to explore our own inner space and know ourselves better.

While we're exploring, let's pray for discerning hearts as well, and let's be kind to each other.  

A mini-course in human relations from the Apostle Paul:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.    Colossians 3:12-14  ESV

Thanks for stopping by and hope you were blessed!

Lenore 

Proven Pointers for Strengthening Your Marriage

"And they lived happily ever after..."

That's what everyone is looking for, isn't it?

Somehow the sound of that phrase causes us to think there's a kind of magic that settles like morning dew upon the woman and man who fall in love and promise to love each other for life. Surely this means life will be bliss, day after day.

Doesn't it?   

Well, not quite. Not for two human beings, imperfect as we all are. Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

What is true is that like every other living thing, even the best marriage takes T.L.C. Regularly. That is, both marriage partners nurture and look out for each other.

For life.

"Love," by itself, is not enough

I'm not a professional, but a lot of Christian counselors tell us there is a secret to growing a strong marriage and it's pretty clear-cut. Here's the formula:

We before You

You before Me.

We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires. 

You: Each of us places the other's needs and wants ahead of having it our way. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

Me:  What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be ranks last. 

The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds yelling, "I want it my way!" 

Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

Once you have clear answers to those questions, you know how to weigh your choices. 

Don't be threatened when one or the other's expectations seem to change a bit here and there over time. It's not just young children who have "stages".

What matters is that your sense of oneness stays alive--and grows stronger. 

Keep first things first

When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage comes first with me." 

All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other. 

That's life. For everyone.  

Add in new joys and challenges

Children bring blessings with them, but they interrupt time together for Mom and Dad. This calls for ingenuity to make sure you stay connected as a couple.

Why bother? Because the two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

Whether you realize it or not, your darlings are watching how you interact with each other. They smile and feel all warm inside when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile." 

Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They feel reassured they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.    

As you two give each other the gift of love you also give your children the gift of inner stability.

How can a couple keep love alive?

Make it a habit to find your own way to snatch some time for the two of you every day, like after work. Be prepared, perhaps by keeping a special snack drawer and healthy veggies in the fridge. Hungry youngsters well may consider this time a treat if you allow them to watch special programs or the like. 

This frees up a bit of time when Mom and Dad adjourn to a quiet corner--even in the same room--where you can reconnect and talk with fewer interruptions. 

Be creative. It's all about finding what works for you.

First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

Speak words of love, too

Just hearing the words sincerely spoken helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building strength into the marriage. When one or the other has had "one of those days," it will lift both your spirits as you gently mention qualities you see in them and truly admire.  

Many counselors advise couples to hold hands, which means facing each other eye-to-eye--even when you are not in the mood. Even if it feels forced, just this skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

Day after day, each one's words matter and have a lasting effect on both.

Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Again and again we will fail

But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other--and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter. 

It is achingly lonely to be stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.  

Could it ever be too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.  

Even if only one partner changes--and perseveres--the effect can be positive. Healing can begin, something to build on.

A husband and wife who seek to live out these principles develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows and becomes a firm foundation. Love grows and blooms. 

This translates into a marriage that lasts.

Enduring wisdom to live by

The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians and it also describes how to keep a marriage strong. Here is Philippians 2:2-5, as it reads in the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase: 

Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

Whether married or single, here's to living strong in Jesus! 

May your heart be filled with His love and peace and joy,

Lenore

What does it take to be a good parent?

Let's start with the ever-changing definition of dads 

It wasn't so long ago that a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck would be admired. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Back then, maybe a father read to his kids and attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. If he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work," his family gave him no static.  

Instead, Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you worked so hard all day. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times a Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family.

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then and now

Currently, not so many people agree with that approach. Today, most moms expect (or at least, hope) Dad will be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children?

Life often blocks good intentions, leaving Mom (or Dad) to fly solo. The parent who feels stuck with filling in may say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time this couple sees each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like, "Well, what about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage learn a better way and likely would say something like this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both of you lose.

Who comes first?

Early on, a wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once your children are wrapped up in their own lives."  

Over time we better understood the strength of that tip. As our four children discovered they "needed" this or that and pleaded their cases with us, we two each needed an ally! Our kids discovered it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other.

Standing together also reminded us we were a couple. A team. We loved our children with all our hearts, but it helped so much to know each of us marriage partners placed the other first. Being human, we slipped up occasionally, but in general we stuck to this principle except in emergencies.  

Years later our adult children one by one told us our unity and stability reassured them--even when they railed against it. Why? Because it reassured them we planned to stay married.

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We're all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Years ago author Patsy Clairmont said our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So in all our dealings but especially within our marriage and family, let's cut each other some slack. Let's show grace and be quick to forgive and accept each other as yes, imperfect people. And our sons and daughters, too.

Count on it: Your love and mutual forgiveness in the nitty-gritty of daily life will benefit your kids all their lives. It's how we parents most effectively model for our children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

Does the idea of Father's Day dredge up old hurts? 

It's a sad fact that many adults still ache to hear their father say the words, "I love you."    

For generations, men believed whatever they did to provide for their wife and children obviously demonstrated their love loud and clear. The old "Actions speak louder than words" applies here. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

Where does this leave you if you're still hurting? Good news, healing is possible, no matter how many years have elapsed--or even if you ever hear those words spoken.  

It means being willing to lay down our battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. Over and over, if necessary, until finally, we can let it go. We can't heal if we insist on picking it up again.

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

All of life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Once we leave that judgment behind we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

The Good News of the Gospel tells us we needn't generate this love on our own:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Neither does one parenting style or the other. It's all about living out love, healthy love that builds strength.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice living within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's our standard for parenting, no worries, even if money is tight and our life situations are challenging. In the minds of our children, Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom," because they will remember the love that ruled our hearts and our home.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Whatever our situation, let's resolve to rejoice! Even if. Even when. Even though. 

Lenore