A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

How to put more joy in your marriage

Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?     

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

Then came babies. 

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

Yet, somehow they did.     

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ....

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

• "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
• "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
• "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better--if He chose--so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

 "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage--and in me. 

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them--and their marriages. 

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength ... The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself--or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends! 

Lenore

Three simple steps to living more happily

Whether we're young or older, life is a continuous learning channel. Have you noticed?

By now I know that some "little" things can make big changes in our lives. Here are three:

1.    Get real.

2.    Get focused.

3.    Get thankful.

Curious? Read on.

1.  Get real

We ought not expect the people around us to be on our wave length. They're individuals, remember?

So it shouldn't surprise us that even people we feel closest to often don't immediately grasp the meaning of what we say to them. And vice versa. This explains why any two people so often talk past each other.

I well remember the first time I gave my husband one of those "poor little me" remarks, thinking my groom would understand and see my point. Instead, he replied, "Honey, you're only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn't. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?"

Once I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he wasn't wired that way.

A small bit of common sense reminds us that flowery gestures come cheap--and can be empty. A good marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. So does any close relationship or friendship. 

Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. That's harder to do in the face of social media and because we stare at screens so much of the time.

It's time we engrave this on the hard drive of our minds: Except for live interviews and action shots, everything we see on TV or on Facebook, Instagram, and the like has been carefully staged.

(Think about it. Would you post a photo or video depicting your family and yourself in the midst of a bad day?) 

Nevertheless, distractions like TV shows and social media can be enticing traps. We look at what's onscreen and then contemplate our "imperfect" lives and get depressed.

We get depressed because we forget that we see only what they want us to see.

2.  Get focused

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph--and pick up--messages by what we focus on.

I saw that play out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck. He carried her out and both were grinning from ear to ear.

Tables around them held other couples and families, everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody smiled and nobody talked to anybody, at least not to any live person sitting at the same table. When they finished eating they simply got up and walked out, still focused on their electronic gadgets. I doubt I could have counted five smiles among that group.

The contrast pained my heart. The daddy and daughter deepened their relationship and enhanced their family's strength and love. The others, the ones who hardly spoke to each other, satisfied their hunger and their curiosity of the moment. Nothing more.

I'll not forget that day because it felt as if I were observing a case study in the ways people interact with others. Or lack of same.

That lunchtime drove home an important truth for me: What and whom we focus on plays a huge part in our moods and how we view our lives.

3.  Get thankful

To simply be thankful can become a habit but for some of us progress may be slow.

For years I've been working to learn the art of tuning my awareness toward the good rather than getting hung up on what I perceive as my life's insufficiencies or annoyances. I don't have it nailed yet, but I've made progress. I see the difference in my moods and outlook on life.

I know now how much it lifts my mood all day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.

At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking the Giver for the good stuff and saying a simple, "Thank you, Lord." Then I commit people I'm concerned about and whatever troubles me to God's loving care. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.  

As always, the Bible shows us how: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  Philippians 4:6

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

Once we learn to fix our thoughts on what is real and what is right in our lives and in the people we love, living more happily naturally follows. Instead of scowling and complaining about what's wrong with the world, we can fasten on God's goodness in the midst of it all--and smile.

(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)

Still learning,

Lenore

How eating together as a family pays lifetime dividends

It's no wonder so many people don't even try to eat together.

Ask busy parents you know and you'll likely hear something like this: "It's too hard to get everyone together--and keep them there. (Sigh.) Our lives are so busy that eating on the run is way easier."

Yet eating together is way more than sitting at a table and consuming food. Sharing a family meal symbolizes what we all long for, a deeper connection with those we love.

Sure, it's quicker to stop for fast food or hit the drive-through. Lots of us eat in our cars. Some of us eat takeout in front of our laptop or TV. In a multitasking life it seems, well, natural. Besides, at the end of a hectic day who wants to cook and clean up? After all, this is 2023.

Look from a different angle. We save time, yes, but we may lose what matters more.

For once, TV models the good stuff

I'm a longtime fan of the long-running hit TV show, "Blue Bloods" and I've always thought the best part of each episode is when their family comes together for Sunday dinner. Some years ago writer David Hitbrand looked into what attracts this show's consistently large audience. Here are a couple of quotes:  

The sentimental majority opinion holds that it's the show's weekly dinner scene, during which four generations of Reagans -- presided over by the patriarch (Len Cariou) -- bicker, spar and celebrate one another.

"That scene is the favorite of so many people," says "Blue Bloods" executive producer, Leonard Goldberg. "Italian people, Jewish people, Greek people -- they all say the same thing: 'That's my family.' "

Perhaps that's because the Reagans do more than eat together

As they prepare the meal and work together, then sit down at their huge dining table, they depict a healthy family in action.

• They do a lot of one-on-one sharing in the kitchen.
• They begin their meals with thanking God for their food and often, for each other.
• They do "celebrate" each other. For any child or adult, there's something really sweet about having another family member praise us in front of the rest.
• They talk and listen to each other with respect, even when they disagree. Younger family members participate, too. Sometimes an adult corrects a youngster or offers a principle to remember.
• They leave the table reminded they are family, they are one.

Families are like branches on a tree. We grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.  --Anon

Building family bonds in our own homes

I know a couple that early on resolved to eat their evening meal together. They had to work around a crazy schedule, but were committed to staying tuned-in to how their children viewed their world. (You may be thinking, Aren't we all?)

Once they had talked it through they kicked off sharing daily "highs" and "lows" over dinner, not at all sure how it would come out. The basic premise was that each family member would name their best and worst points of the day--in as much detail as they liked. Mom and Dad spoke their joys and concerns, too--with discretion.

These normal children sometimes protested and could be moody or quiet. "Some nights they'd say, 'recess' for both their high and their low," the father says with a smile. "We never tried to talk them out of it because they lived their day at school, not us.

"We learned to listen with more sensitive ears and not jump in right away with advice or admonishment. Often it seemed nothing happened, but over time those highs and lows proved a wonderful tool. The proof of that is that when our children grew into adolescence they took over reminding us anytime we forgot to build in highs and lows. Now any time they come home on vacation they insist we get right back into it over dinner. 

"Over the years our conversations became more meaningful and so did our prayers. Without question this daily sharing strengthened the love and closeness within our family."

No skills training needed

Just start--and be patient with yourselves. Aim to gather everyone around for one meal of every day, whichever works best for you. Keep it fancy or plain, serve sandwiches or steak, your choice--and yes, takeout or DoorDash is okay. Whatever works best for your family.

It helps to remember the goal is simply to establish a routine that helps draw your family closer. The resulting sense of connectedness can melt away a lot of strain.

(By the way, it works well for wives and husbands, too.)

Let love be your motivation and count on the love of God to make it grow. It's as the Apostle Paul wrote to his friends:

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.1 Thessalonians 3:12-13  NIV

Or take Mother Teresa to heart: 

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

Blessings to you,

Lenore 

Love, love, love ... Don't let the magic seep away!

Do you remember the sparkle of when you first fell in love?

You couldn't stop smiling because you knew a secret: Somebody loved you!

It felt magical. Your somebody "got you," seemed to understand you. You felt better about yourself and about life and the future.

"Happily ever after" all at once seemed attainable and you wanted it.  

Then came reality. Making a life together dimmed the dream and those secret smiles faded. Life's daily demands seemed to smoosh out the joy of being together. 

One thing about sharing a life is it strips away illusions and "little quirks" begin to feel like a permanent pebble in one's shoe. Recitals of "This is what drives me crazy about you" come up so frequently that they can sound like a battle cry. 

Sometimes a couple reaches the point where it seems that's all that's left between them.     

Children can provide a smoke screen

Many parents sincerely want their children to feel absolutely secure in their parents' love. They aim to make home the place where never is heard a discouraging word and the clapping for each child's achievements, big or small, never stops.

Their personal conversations revolve around their child or children because, well, what could be more worthwhile? 

The problem is this can suck up all their energy and concentration, leaving only leftovers for their marriage relationship. Eventually one or both discovers that it is possible to feel all alone, even while surrounded by the noisy hubbub of family life.

When happens between this husband and wife when their children grow up and move on to lives of their own? What will they have left between them?    

Perhaps only then do they dare to look deeper into their hearts. One or both spouses may feel there's not enough love and mutual desire to rebuild their relationship, so why bother to try?  

Many marriage counselors now believe this accounts for the high divorce rates among older adults, a.k.a., "gray divorce."  

One wise older friend observed, "Divorce? Never! What I've noticed is that whatever their ages, every new couple has to adjust and work through the same basic issues. Why would I want to go through all that again? 

Ways to short-circuit all that angst

Married or single, once in awhile it's good to stop what we're doing for a moment and really think about our life.

What do we as human beings need, especially from a marriage partner? Here's one good definition: 

Someone who values us for who we are.

One who sees our good qualities--as well as our flaws.

A person who loves us just as we are. Period.

Most brides and grooms believe they've found just that. As the years pass it may get fogged over, but most likely, it's still there.  

No better time exists to recover what you had. Find a setting that works for you both. Long lunches at a favorite place. Date nights. Periodic weekends for the two of you. Whatever brings back your smiles. The point is to have time to concentrate on each other without interruption.

Once in awhile talk about the three points mentioned above and explore together how close you come to giving each other this kind of love. 

From there move on to how do we make this our reality?

This is not meant to be a tedious examination. Rather, think of it as staying current on what your partner needs now. (People change, you know.) Brainstorm how you can work together to make your marriage stronger and more fun.

A simple practice that can change a marriage

One friend says what keeps them close is always reconnecting when they come home from work. They've made it their family practice to provide a snack ready for hungry kids and permit them to watch an agreed-upon (rare) TV program. In other words, make it a reward for everyone. 

Then she and her husband adjourn to a quiet corner and talk about their day. For half an hour or so they change off listening as the other one talks. They hug and cuddle. Often they pray together.

In those few moments the daily tensions fade and they remember again who they are.  

Once again they are two people in love who are for each other, no matter what. 

By then their youngsters will have calmed down from their day, too.

Only then do they start prepping their evening meal. Will dinner be a bit late? Yes. Will there be homework waiting? Probably.

But nobody minds, because everyone is more relaxed.

Her advice? "This precious daily treat costs nothing, but it means everything to my husband and me. It enables us to reconnect and remember that we can handle whatever comes because we have each other. Our kids don't say so very often but we know they like it, too. They've even told us it helps them know that we'll stay married."

Good advice for every one of us 

Reconnecting--with people we love and with God--is essential if we're to hang on to joy and live fully the life He has given us.

When a youngster's mom and dad make time for each other they model how to make a marriage thrive and keep love alive.

Another important lesson kids learn is they are not the center of the universe.

That's an indispensable aid to navigating smoothly in the world at any age, whether at school or when they live apart from dear old Mom and Dad.

For individuals who live alone, many of the same principles apply. It's well worth the effort to put time and effort into developing and nurturing friendships and spending time together. The friendship and love of others enrich one's life. Period.

Love grows and people grow

One more factor enters in and that's faith in God. When that's the foundation on which we build, we build on bedrock that can stand firm despite the winds and storms life throws at us. If you're looking for Truth to keep you strong, here's are some verses well-loved by many:  

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7

Let all that you do be done in love.   1 Corinthians 16:14

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love ... Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:2, 32

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.   1 Corinthians 13:13

With love and prayers for you, my friend,

Lenore 

With love to Moms: Each One a Woman of Lasting Influence

                                                                           Dear Mom,

If you're a younger mom and feel overwhelmed, this is for you.

     If your children are grown and you wonder sometimes whether you "accomplished anything" in your life, this is for you, too.

Whatever your age--or the ages of your children--you are a world-changer.

            I didn't understand that in the beginning. I wish I had.      

            Consider this a love note from one mom to another:

                        You matter--and don't you forget it!

(Dear Reader, I pray you'll be lifted and blessed by reading what's below and take it personally. Although we probably have not met, if you're a mom we already have a lot in common.  --Lenore)  

____________________________________________

A Woman of Lasting Influence

Every other accomplishment takes second place to being a mom.

We may find that hard to believe. In the midst of our hurry years, every day of the week we perform juggling acts that amaze no one but ourselves.

Always a new challenge.

Always the tiredness.

Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever get your life back.

Or your joy.

You will if you look deeper. And wider.

Snatch a few minutes alone and reflect on your life in Christ. Leave what troubles you at His cross. Then focus on every reason for thanks. Rejoice in your children, each one a complex bundle of strengths and challenges.

Let truth sink in deep. Your love and cheers, your sweat and your tears are helping these youngsters grow into the individuals God created them to be.

Mark this well: You're not dithering away your time. Your mothering will live on. You are rearing somebody's parent, somebody's grandparent, leaving your mark on generations yet to be born.

Influencing tomorrows you will never see.

That gives every minute lasting value.

Day after day you're rearing your children, growing a family, making a life. Refuse to discount your life's work.

You are a mother by God's design, redeemed by Jesus Christ, and led by His Spirit.

Each child is your child by God's design.

Live in the joy of knowing no one else can mother your kids or love your kids as well as you can. Wrap the gladness of what's good around you and feel the warmth of it.

You are right where you are meant to be.

The steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children's children.   Ps. 103:17 (ESV) 

____________________________________________

Excerpted from my book Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out.

Reprinted with permission from the publisher, Concordia Publishing House. Also available from the usual booksellers. 

(Short pieces that share some of what I learned along the way.)

Pointers that strengthen all your relationships

What can we do to build a closer marriage relationship and/or to rear strong kids?  

Here's a hint: Don't fall into the trap of dragging the past into today. 

How do we do that? Play this conversation in your mind:

She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"      

He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."

She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."

He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"

Etc.

Can you spot the pattern of these remarks?

These two seem more interested in pointing fingers of blame than in understanding each other.

Parents often copy that pattern with their kids, too 

Last time Brody brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.  

So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.

She frowns and says, "Oh, Brody, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. Never. About anything."

If there's a mom (or dad) out there who has not once said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.

It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.

Blacklist those two words

"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and drowns out any motivation to reach understanding. 

Either of these two words--or their cousins--shuts down the other person's heart.   

Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and never into the exchange. What could our spouse or our child feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response would be, "What's the use? Why bother to try?"

Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around, even if it goes underground. Mending the broken places can take a long time. If ever. 

Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages. 

What to do?

The first thing is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, perhaps even make us a bit weepy.

There's a blessing in that. It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.

Next we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?

Often that's not a comfortable place as other regrets surface and our tears flow. 

That's a good sign, however. It hints that we're ready to change and find the better, happier way to live.  

As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the better way, here in Ephesians 4:29:

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  NLT

And speaking of talking...

More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.  NIV

This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change?

Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    Isaiah 41:10  ESV

That's where we begin, by asking our loving God to wash away the crud of yesterday's mistakes and give us a fresh start.

What if we find ourselves our slipping back into our old habits?

Don't be discouraged. Rather, let's thank God for putting the "want to" in our hearts because it shows we're growing in faith and inner strength. 

Is it easy?

Is it easy to let go of what seems "natural" and make a new start, maybe over and over? No, it's not "easy".

We start by believing what the Bible says about it.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ... Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.    Romans 5:8; 1  ESV

God loved us "...while we were still sinners ... ."

God loves us now, while we still struggle. The old ways that we clung to got in the way of our life and relationships being good--and deep down, we knew it. What's called for at any point in this growth journey is a humble heart and the willingness to begin again.

If/when we fail how often can we start over? As often as the sun rises in the morning, because our loving God never gives up on us.

And I'm just sayin', that's pretty simple. Always remember that and never forget.

Thankful, too,

Lenore