A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Build a Marriage that Lasts

Is building a strong marriage hard? 

It can be, but more accurately, it takes ongoing attention. Even when you're not in the mood to talk and to listen.

Romance novels and films often feature a plot that ends with some way of showing us, "And they lived happily ever after."

In real life that never happens. Not for two (imperfect) human beings who share a life, day after day.

Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

What is true is that even the best marriage takes care and feeding, as with most every other living thing. 

For life.

Love, by itself, is never enough

I'm not a professional, but here's what a lot of Christian counselors tell us. It's no big secret how to grow a strong marriage. Here's the formula:

We before You

You before Me.

We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires. 

You:  I place my husband (wife) and what he (she) needs and wants ahead of having it my way--and vice versa. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

Me:  What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be brings up the rear.

The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds, yelling, "I want it my way!" 

Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

Let this be the criteria by which you weigh your choices. 

Keep first things first

When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage come first with me." 

All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other. 

That's life. For everyone.  

It's not that clear-cut for parents. Children have a way of interrupting plans and they crowd out together time for Mom and Dad. That stage of life can go on for awhile, even for years. Just don't give up on finding ways to stay connected as a couple.

The two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

Your children are watching how you interact--and smile when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile."

Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They know they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.    

So even as you give your spouse the gift of love you give your children the gift of stability.

How do we keep love alive?

Love needs regular care and feeding, so figure out how to snatch some time for the two of you. Get creative for ways to keep your kids occupied, then find a quiet corner. It's all about what works for you.

First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

Speak words of love, too. Tell each other often that you want to keep your relationship strong.

Somehow hearing the words helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building the strength of our marriage.

Many counselors advise couples to hold hands and face each other eye-to-eye, even when you're not in the mood to hold hands.

Even if it feels forced, that skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

That sums it up rather neatly, don't you think?

Again and again we will fail

But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other--and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter. 

It feels very lonely when you're stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.

Is it ever too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.  

Even if only one partner changes--and perseveres--the effect can be positive. Healing can begin.

A husband and wife who seek to live this out develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows. Love grows and blooms again.

That translates into a marriage that lasts.

Enduring wisdom to live by

The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians. Phillipians 2:2-5, here from the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase: 

Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

Here's to living strong in Jesus, whether we're married or single!

Peace and joy,

Lenore

What does it take to be a good dad?

The definition keeps changing

Not so long ago a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck passed the test. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Maybe Dad attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. It was okay if he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work."

Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you work so hard. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times any Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family. 

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26  NIV 

Then vs. now

Moms today typically expect Dad to be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children? 

When life gets in the way and he can't--or she can't--the parent who feels stuck with filling in might say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.  

Next time Mom and Dad see each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like,  "What about the time you ... ?"  

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage would say this:  

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both lose.

Who's on first?

A wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice early on. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once you're back to the two of you."  

Always, the prime goal is maintaining your closeness as a couple, a team.

Even though you love your children with all your hearts, let them come in second unless it's an emergency or some kind of threatening situation. 

Why would loving parents do that? 

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We are all cracked pots--and it's okay 

Nobody's perfect. Author Patsy Clairmont says our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So let's cut each other some slack. Let's be quick to forgive and accept each other. And our sons and daughters, too.

That's every dad and mom's most effective way to model for their children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations. 

Your day-after-day example of love and mutual forgiveness will benefit your kids all their lives.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3  NIV

What if Father's Day dredges up old hurts? 

Many adults still ache to hear their father say, "I love you."    

Why so silent? Generations of men believed providing for their wife and children demonstrated their love loud and plainly, so what more could anyone ask of them?  

Factor in this basic, sad truth. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words. 

If you're still hurting, healing is possible.  

There's only one requirement. It means being willing to lay down that battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. 

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

Life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Then we can accept each other--and ourselves--as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.  

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  NIV

Here's the Good News. We don't have to generate that love on our own.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7  ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Nor one parenting style, either.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's your standard for parenting, no worries. Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom" in the memories of your children because they'll remember the love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13  NIV

Peace and joy!

Lenore

Discover your pluses

"What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.  

But there's more to this truth:

Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event. 

Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.  

Working with a saint

Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman. 

In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.  

No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong." 

Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup. 

After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare. 

Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed--again--to mend my evil ways. 

The great day arrives

We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed--and they hadn't called with an excuse.  

To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment. 

I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

Breakthrough!

It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two. 

I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.  

I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

Could my natural approach to life--which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness--be in its own way a strength? 

Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.   

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  --Romans 15:7  NIV

Consider it one small step for peace with others--and with ourselves. 

God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.  

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. ... Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. --Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14  NIV 

Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths--and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.  

Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose. 

Still learning,  

Lenore      

 

What payback are you getting?

I can picture you reading that title and asking, "Who, me?"

Yes, you. And me. And everybody else.

Think about it. Our long-ago friend, "Jim" had no degree, but he was a specialist in understanding people. I still hear him saying one of his favorite gems that summed up what makes us humans tick: 

  "Nobody does nothin' for nothin'.'"

That's a folksy way of saying every one of us gets some kind of payback from what we do. Or don't do. 

Every time Jim said that people would say, "Hmm. Never thought of it that way."

And just that simply, he nailed it. No more discussion needed.

Children make it easy to see this theory in action

Kids sometimes seem to disobey in the most blatant ways, almost as if they want to be disciplined.

Maybe they do. That's one sure way to get attention from their parents or other adults.

For a child, negative attention beats no attention every time.  

We grownups are not so different. Think how often we find it hard to puzzle out a person's motives, wondering, Why does he (or she) always do that? What makes her (or him) talk like that?

Next time that happens think of Jim's maxim

Ask yourself what kind of payback this person may be getting.

It may be a way to get a response. Concern. Sympathy. A way to exert control without seeming to.

Somehow Jim's down-home wisdom makes the issues clear.

A big part of understanding people is to look deeper than the surface and perhaps, even "walk a mile in their shoes."  

That can change what we think. It's a bit as the well-known line from Scottish poet Robert Burns, written in 1786:

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us to see ourselves as others see us."

Here's the modern translation, with another line added:

Oh, would some Power give us the gift
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion . . . .

Over time Jim's question changed my perspective

First I learned to consider: What payback is he or she getting out of this behavior?

The real breakthrough came when I started asking myself: What am I getting out of saying or doing this?

Ouch!

That question quickly clears away any illusion that my motives are always pure and flow from my good heart.

And that's a good thing. It keeps me honest with myself and points me to a better way of thinking. 

Don't get me wrong 

"Paybacks" are not all negative. Who among us is so noble that we keep on and keep on without some sort of reward?

For instance, when I treat you right, you're more likely to return the same to me. That's a payback worth having.

I've never forgotten our old friend's saying. It still helps me think things through, about myself and about others.

I don't know about you, but I think human beings are endlessly fascinating. NASA can explore the dark side of the moon or life on Mars if they want to. For the rest of us, a greater mission might be to explore our own inner space and know ourselves better.

While we're exploring, let's pray for a discerning heart, as well, and let's be kind to each other.  

A mini-course in human relations from the Apostle Paul:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.      Colossians 3:12-14  ESV

Blessings,

Lenore 

Is having a happy marriage still possible?

Many people likely would answer a flat, "No. Not in today's world."                                      

The rest of us might say, "I guess so," or "I hope so."

How about you?

We can count on it if we consider our marriage as a living thing. Like any living thing, it requires regular feeding and watering--with love and forgiveness.  

Always, the mutual goal is keeping love alive and maintaining the joy of two becoming one. 

We make "we, us and our" more important than "I, me and mine."

We treat our marriage with the same tender love we show to our young children.

Finding the balance 

Even after many years of marriage, the challenge remains the same:

Every marriage consists of two individuals, two distinct personalities, two sets of priorities and preferences.

Suppose one is a loner and the other is a people person. They're attracted to each other precisely because each one "fills in what's missing" in the other. They feel complete in each other.

Too often our human nature gets in the way. We set about trying to change our spouse and make them more like we are.

Most of the time we don't know we're doing it.

Here's the clue. How often do we say, "Why can't you ever ... ?" or, "Why must you always . . . ?"

A steady drip, drip, drip of criticism and dissatisfaction slowly poisons a marriage relationship. 

The choice and the secret 

Suppose we allow each other to be who we are. Two unique individuals created by God, each one influenced by all the years and people in our lives beforehand.

Two halves of the whole, each one adding richness to the other's life. Each one appreciating the other's differentness.

The secret to a happy marriage may be as simple as being kind to each other.

Don't we instinctively feel more loving toward people who act and speak kindly to us?

How kindness plays out in the everyday

Webster's gives several definitions of the word "kindness." Here are two:  

• the capacity for feeling for another's unhappiness or misfortune
• sympathetic concern for the well-being of others.

Those qualities build closeness in a marriage. When one spouse hurts, the other feels it, too, and offers warmth and love. The bond between them deepens. 

Kindness in marriage means that instead of focusing on what's wrong with our spouse, we fasten on what's right with each other.   

Isn't that what we do with our friends? Think how casually we say, "Oh well, that's just the way she is."

Can't we be just as considerate toward the one we married?

Over time this becomes our everyday way of living together

Another way of saying this is, we respect our spouse and our children.  Mutual respect makes it natural to treat each other with consideration even when no one else is around. We speak to each other and our children in the tone of voice we want them to use with us. 

We watch what we say, too, because we know words can bless or deeply scar those who love us.

To live that way is not being subservient, but rather, demonstrating strength and self-control. It's what love looks like.

Remember, you're never alone 

Because we're (flawed) human beings, we inevitably let each other down at times. We mess up and start over. Again. Sometimes we'll become discouraged because we're not there yet.   

                                That's not the time to give up!

Take it as a reminder that Jesus died for all our failures and sins and start again. By faith we are forgiven and set right with God. That means we can forgive each other and trust that he will strengthen us and guide us.  

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.   -Psalm 32:8

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.   -Ephesians 4:32

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.   -1 John 5:14

P. S. 

Kindness nourishes any marriage relationship. Is it worth the effort?

From the bottom of my heart I can answer, "Oh, yes!""

God bless your marriage, my unseen friend, 

Lenore