A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Still good advice: "Stir up whatcha got!"

Lately there's been a lot of angst going around

This seems like a good time to pass on a folksy little story that arrived in my Inbox one day. It always speaks pointedly to me. May it speak to you, too.    

Just Another Day

The crusty old-timer slouched into the local coffee shop and settled himself onto the end stool at the counter. Then he winked at the waitress and said, "Gimme a big mug 'a Joe, Dearie."

This lady wasn't taking any guff from anyone. She stood up tall and said, "I am not your Dearie! My name is Daisy."

"My mistake, Miss Daisy. My name's Hector. Now pour me some of your good hot coffee, if 'ya please."

When his steaming cup of Joe arrived, he inhaled deeply and asked, "Got any sugar cubes, Ma'am?

"Yes, sir."

She handed Hector the sugar bowl and he dropped in a cube of sugar.

Then another.

And another. And another.

When he got to seven, Daisy pulled the sugar bowl away and said, "Listen, here, Mister, you don't need more sugar. Just stir up whatcha' got!"

That's wise counsel for living, too

Sometimes we discount what we already have and are, just because we're used to it.

The flood of self-help articles and reports and interviews that never stop all boil down to the same theme: You and I need to be more than we are.

According to these "experts," each with a favorite theory, you and I can achieve "more-ness" with (fill in the blank.) So we can grow. And stretch. And explore new horizons.

It's exhausting.

Learning and growing are good things, but most of these spokespeople proceed as if every human being is an exact copy of every other human being.   

For Christians, that theory is pure bunk. The Bible tells us God creates every human being. Not with some sort of divine 3-D Printer, but with infinite care and his personal involvement. 

Ponder this verse, Psalm 139:13, and think as you read it. 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.    ESV

Each of us is one-of-a-kind

Even identical twins have their own individual fingerprints and personalities. You and I are not exactly like our siblings. Neither are our children, even when they all are the same gender.   

Not one of us is "missing" some essential part of ourselves.  

Can we grow and learn to understand ourselves better? Of course. Sometimes that happens as we live out our lives. Sometimes we may need to talk with our pastor or with a licensed counselor.

It's an imperfect world and none of us is perfect. It's a big step to acknowledge our weaknesses to ourselves. Be sure you don't overlook your individual strengths. Rather, give thanks for them.  

The Bible tells us God equips each one of us to handle whatever He asks of us. That means each of us has what we need to live the lives He gives us. Remember, our lives are not over until our last earthly breath, so none of knows exactly what qualities we may need.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.   Ephesians 2:10  ESV

Keep tabs on what's already present--in your life, in your marriage and in your family

It is God who gives us our abilities and talents--and for a reason we may not yet understand. 

Are there struggles even in strong marriages and families? Yes, for every one of us. Single or married, at any age, life is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Being a mom--or a dad--is hard.

If we expect perfect here on earth then our days may seem like too much to cope with. We just want it to stop.

That's dangerous thinking because we may spend our days in wistful longings and daydreams of better times and perhaps, "more perfect" people.  

Once again the Bible shows us the better way to deal with difficulties:

Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.   James 1:1   ESV

Build on what you already have 

For example, if you're married and feeling ho-hum, why not try a bit of do-it-yourself effort?

Agree to make time for each other, just as deliberately as you make time for other appointments. 

Choose a weekend or other time when neither of you has to report in for work. Then farm out your kids for a night or a weekend. Kidnap your husband--or wife--and head to a nearby hotel or motel. Live on room service (or McDonald's if money is tight) and each other's undivided attention.

(The same strategy works if you simply stay home in your own house. It's just harder to shut out all the chores that need catching up on.)

Often, a short time of concentrating on each other is all that's needed for a couple to rediscover their love, which can get covered up with job and kids and the "stuff" of everyday life. 

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us . . . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 John 4:19; 1 Peter 4:8   ESV 

Get reacquainted with your children and get to know them now

Whatever their ages, take off your I-need-to-parent-you eyes. Instead, look--really look--at each child with eyes of love.  

Think about their individual personality qualities: who they are. Notice how funny and unique each one is. Find ways to reinforce their positive qualities, maybe a note or a card or just saying you value those qualities.  

Make time to be one-on-one with each child, so you can concentrate on each one. Being together strengthens family bonds--between parent and child and also between siblings.

As your children grow up, increasingly respect their right to have their own lives. (We wanted that for ourselves, didn't we? And don't we?)

As you would that others would do to you, do so to them.  Luke 6:31  ESV

Share more than food at mealtime 

Eating together every day strengthens relationships within a family. All the research shows that especially with children and teens, this increases their own strength and inner security.

Mealtimes offer a built-in opportunity to connect. One powerful--and popular tool is to do Highs and Lows. Go around the table and each one shares from their day--while everyone else listens. (Make it okay to say "Pass" and remain silent.)

Each one can tell about their cares and issues to each other. Nothing formal, just each one sharing their days with each other and staying tuned-in. Lastly, parents and/or children pray and speak a blessing.

Stick with it and watch each one become more comfortable opening up to each other. A way to live out faith together.  

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Romans 12:15   ESV

Let's get personal

Every so often take a closer look. Start by writing down at least ten good things about your life. Ten things, small things, "ordinary" things.   

Then list what's good about you. And your husband. And your kids. Once again, this is not about achievements or "big stuff."

Keep your lists handy. Reread them when you're feeling uncertain or questioning the "whys" in your life. Or on those days when life feels meaningless. Even if you're not in the mood when you start, as you thank God for the gifts and blessings already yours, your heart will feel lighter. 

Consider this one of the ways to "Stir up what you got!"

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:6-7   NKJV

Still learning, always,

Lenore

 

How to shed old messages that hold us back

Some of us are stuck in yesterday.

We still hear the critical voices of our parents or teachers or the taunts of childhood friends.  

In times of clear thinking we remind ourselves they belong in the past, but then logic fades. Old hurts and doubts resurface and hang around, so we must fight the battle all over again.

Sure, we know no one had a perfect childhood and all the rest.

But here we are, still weighed down a lot or a little by wrong messages from the past. Why?

And what can we do to live free of that load? Here's a place to start:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Psalm 118:24  NIV

Begin by recognizing painful words for what they are

This story is about our friend "Tim," but it could just as well be about "Tina".

Tim grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Especially his children.

When they came home excited because they got good grades or had won some award, their dad would laugh and ask, "Oh, getting the big head, are we?"

Every. Time.

The boy became the teenager became the adult. Everyone else considered Tim a success story.

Everyone but Tim.

Whenever things went his way at work or his wife told him she was proud of him, Tim heard his father's voice taunting him with the same hurtful question.

He felt hopeless. Would he--could he--ever be free? 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Psalm 32:8  NIV

He started thinking differently during a meeting with his men's group from church  

The study included doing a self-assessment of their lives, starting with this question:  

So who am I now? Today?

Tim mentally ticked off how hard he worked and all the ways he had grown. He thought of his wife and their strong marriage and about the good life they were building together.  

Their three children brimmed with health and earned good grades consistently. He liked his job and considered it more than just a paycheck. He enjoyed his friends at work.  

His next thought surprised him:

This is my life today, my present reality--and it is good! I have a lot to be thankful for!  

Then Tim thought of the sad little boy who grew up believing he could never measure up and wished he could give him a big hug.

At last he felt proud of his younger self. New faith insights showed him how he survived those years:  

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9  ESV

Seeing clearly at last

"For perhaps the first time, I added up the many ways my dad was a walking disaster back then. Constantly putting all of us down made him feel better about his own messed-up life.

"Once I understood that, I could let it go.

"Now and then I still hear Dad's critical voice in my head. When I do, I answer it with today's truth, which is that I like my life and what I've become. Sometimes my answers remind me I'm getting off track and that's good, too.

"It's strange, but now Dad's old question feels like a friend who asks hard questions and reminds me what I'm about." 

 (The Lord says:) "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"  Isaiah 43:18-19  ESV

Old truths endure

Long ago I found a quote which at the time brought me up short because I needed to hear its truth. It comes from Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D. 

"It's not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters."

At first reading that ancient wisdom may sound harsh, but take another look. Its timeless truth can move us out from being stuck in false assumptions of the past.

Think of it as a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life.

The only thing we have within our power to control is how we think about what comes into our lives.

I don't know about you, but I'm forever relearning that principle. 

By the way, the Greek philosopher did not originate this wisdom

Take a look at Proverbs 23:7:

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.  NKJV

Lasting truths, ours for the taking.

Whether we're troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, this one-liner covers it. When we change our thinking, we change our lives.

Warmly,

Lenore                                   

Discover your pluses

"What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.  

But there's more to this truth:

Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event. 

Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.  

Working with a saint

Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman. 

In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.  

No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong." 

Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup. 

After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare. 

Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed--again--to mend my evil ways. 

The great day arrives

We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed--and they hadn't called with an excuse.  

To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment. 

I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

Breakthrough!

It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two. 

I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.  

I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

Could my natural approach to life--which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness--be in its own way a strength? 

Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.   

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  --Romans 15:7  NIV

Consider it one small step for peace with others--and with ourselves. 

God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.  

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. ... Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. --Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14  NIV 

Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths--and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.  

Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose. 

Still learning,  

Lenore      

 

How did Albert Einstein teach us about human potential?

Admittedly, I have a quirky mind, but I like this Einstein quote:  

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” 

I laughed the first time I read those words, but then their logic hit me. 

I think Einstein was talking about more than fish. About people. You and me.

Think about it, don't we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they're capable of?

Even people we love?

I thought of that quote when I heard a radio profile celebrating the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist. You've heard his music if you've seen Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also composed 700 other tunes used on Broadway and in more than 60 movies. 

His parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?

Well, not quite

In the Loesser family classical music reigned supreme and Frank's father was a professional pianist. 

Although he was musically gifted, Frank dropped out of New York's City College after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.

As you might guess, this did not fit his parents' expectations.

Big brother, Arthur, a.k.a., the "good son," fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.

Perhaps it's not surprising that Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank's remarkable achievements as "lowbrow" music, hardly worthy of being called "music." Apparently he never wavered from that view.

That left Frank Loesser, famous and beloved for years by performers and audiences all over America, feeling he never measured up to his family's standards.

There's a caution here for all of us

We may not go to the same extremes, but we easily fall into the same trap.

All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our spouse, our child or anyone else in our world should be.

The better way is to look for and applaud the individual's God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. It's good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind--and isn't that a wonderful thing? It's as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   -- NIV

We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude--and hint or say outright--that a person isn't making it because he or she doesn't live up to our expectations. 

This quietly eats away at relationships, whether it's husband and wife, parent-child, co-workers or neighbors. 

Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves

Count me in on that. I have a long list of "shoulds" for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. 

Or I thought they were.

Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I "fail."

So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any "fish" that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?

Albert Einstein wants to know.

Still learning,

Lenore