A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Help your children get solidly grounded from early on

It's a known fact: Children form their deepest picture of who they are during their preschool years

Little ones figure out the world they live in by asking endless questions like, "Where did I come from?" and "Where did people come from?

Even the most articulate parents may struggle for words as they try to answer. (Sorry to tell you, but the questions don't get easier as they get older.)

If we're to answer that first question we'll need to at least introduce the subject of sex. It's okay to feel shaky and struggle for words. Don't worry, your children won't notice. And the more you make sex a part of normal conversation, the easier it gets. 

How we answer these and other questions will impact our kids for life.

Laying the foundation

Always, what we say about what we believe helps youngsters form values.

Some moms and dads assume it's better to wait "until they need to know." They assume their children will learn about sex in school, from trained educators who dispense the facts correctly. Everything will be "age-appropriate," with "approved" terminology.

Surely, that would be better. Wouldn't it?

It's true school personnel probably will present units on "sex ed," often beginning as early as Kindergarten. If you haven't spoken of sex at home it means that strangers will impart their personal slant on sexuality and their values to your children before you do.

Besides, not all "sex ed" is labeled as such. Recent laws in California--and perhaps other states, too--changed all that.

Now all teaching materials in any subject in California public schools must specify contributions to the public good by individuals who were or are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or trans-gendered and identify these individuals as such. (See first link below.)

Building for life--all of it

A big part of what we do as parents is to make sure our kids know what our family stands for.

Think of builders, how careful they are to make the foundation and the framework of a building strong. 

Our children and teens are "under construction," too. Our job as parents is to help our kids develop a solid foundation and an inner framework of faith and values and viewpoints.

That means we do our best to help them work through issues like sex and "Where did people come from?"

At any age our view of life flows out of what we believe

As a Christian I believe a loving, gracious God created the first human being (Genesis 1:28-29) and every one of us. Psalm 139:14 tells us, "We are fearfully and wonderfully made."

Occasionally science offers evidence to prove the same point. On September 5, 2012, the New York Times lead science article was titled, "Bits of Mystery DNA, Far From 'Junk,' Play Crucial Role." (See link below.)

Here's one quote: "Human DNA is such a long strand — about 10 feet of DNA stuffed into a microscopic nucleus of a cell — that it fits only because it is tightly wound and coiled around itself."

Read that sentence one more time and ask yourself, Could such intricacy be the result of random processes?

That's miles away from what most schoolkids learn

Most students in public school learn that human beings are descended from apes--or from fish or chickens or pond scum. Take your pick, none of these views are particularly inspiring.

To me it's way more plausible--and uplifting--to tell our kids that the God of the universe created and designed the human body. 

So we start where we are and do what we can can to plant that nobler picture in their minds and give our children a solid grounding.

If they argue with us it means they're thinking and processing. That can be a good thing. 

What if they tune us out?

What our children learn at home underlies all of life. Remember that,  even if they later seem to part company with what we stand for.

If they wander, we keep praying and keep trusting that one day they may do a U-turn.

I know one thing for sure. Our children--even as adults--care what we think and they do hear us, even when they pretend not to.

That makes it clear our call is to keep on loving them and do our best, then leave the rest to God.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.  --Psalm 100:5

Trusting along with you,

Lenore

http://awomansview.typepad.com/a_womans_view/2011/10/are-you-female-male-both-or-neither.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/06/science/far-from-junk-dna-dark-matter-proves-crucial-to-health.html?smid=pl-share

 

How can we guide our children through today's maze of human sexuality?

She sat across from me, tears threatening and said, "I can't even make sense of the world for myself. How on earth am I supposed to explain it to my kids?

"Like when my kids read tabloid headlines at the checkout stand, how do I explain that Bruce Jenner wasn't comfortable in his body so he just decided to become Caitlyn Jenner?"

She sipped her tea awhile and said, "Or take the 'gender neutral' school restrooms and locker rooms at our public schools. My 13-year old daughter feels uneasy if she has to use the restrooms in her school. Suze dreamed of being on the track team and she's really good. But now she refuses to try out. She says she's not going to shower with a boy."

(Here in California Governor Brown signed AB1266 into law, which means male or female body parts don't count. Now what matters is "gender identity," that is, which sex does an individual identify with? Who do you feel you are?)

"So what do we do with Genesis 1:27?" asked my friend.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 

Isn't that what sex education classes are all about?

Some parents think it's best to "leave it to the experts."

One says, "Besides, what can I possibly tell them that they don't already know? "

It's true that schools offer (and may require) students to attend age-appropriate sex education classes, starting long before the teen years. Students typically are instructed in:

• How the body works, along with accurate terminology
• Various ways a male and female can have sex, often along with analogies to how "other animals" mate
• Straight and gay are presented as equally normal and equally desirable
• Methods of contraception, plus risks and benefits of each type
• Statistics on teen pregnancy, health risks to the mother and negative impact on both teen parents for life
• Symptoms and prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and HIV/Aids, along with emphasis on always using a condom
• Self-gratification
• Abortion information

Most such classes stress that whatever any individual feels is normal and natural is okay, just be sure you're "responsible" and "use protection." 

Did you notice what's missing? 

Unless it's a Christian school, teachers almost certainly are not free to present a moral perspective except for something like, "use things, not people."

Parents, of course, have no such limitations.

It's your privilege--and it is a privilege--to help your kids understand what to do with who they are and what they know.

You have time to explore topics and respond to your youngster's questions and comments. You can offer insights and connect how sexual attitudes fit into the framework of your family's faith and standards--or don't. 

Seize the moments

Don't wait for The Big Talk About Sex and don't worry if you stumble for words when the topic naturally comes up. 

• When what's on your TV screen contradicts Bible teachings, pause it and talk through what you just viewed
• Pay attention to your child's world so you can talk about music lyrics and slang expressions
• Be watchful, remembering that even good kids get sucked into the media and online social media
• Talk  

Start now 

Your goal is that your beloved child comes to share a solid personal foundation early-on, so as to be able to think through these urgent, complicated issues.

For example, discuss how teenage pregnancy affects both parents and children.  Explore how dropping out of school impacts a young person's life. (Ask questions and be sure to listen as well as talk.)

Be sure to reassure your children you believe in them and know they'll make good decisions in their lives. Absolutely stress that God will give them the strength to deal with whatever comes.

Keep it as simple and natural as you can. One upon the other, such conversations help your youngster gradually form a solid personal foundation.

Are there guarantees? Never.

Will you pray? Always!

Parents rank highest

Current research and polling of teenagers point to the same truth:

More than friends, more than peer groups, more than celebrities, parents influence teens and their values. 

Kids learn when parents talk with them.

But they probably learn even more from watching and listening as their moms and dads talk and interact with other adults.

Why? Because youngsters assume that's when Mom and Dad reveal what they really think versus "parent speak".

Choose reliable books, too

I'm most familiar with the Learning about Sex series published by Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis, a long-established Christian publisher. The Sixth Edition of the Series, newly illustrated and formatted, was released in June, 2015. Like earlier editions, these books have been praised by professionals. 

I wrote the parents' book in this Series. The emphasis throughout is that we are indeed, "fearfully and wonderfully made," and that our sexuality is God's gift, too precious to be squandered casually. 

Be assured that professionals in relevant fields checked every word of every book of the Series. Christian schools of many denominations use these books, which are age-appropriate. 

(To order any of them, go to www.cph.org or check your favorite bookseller.)

Remember you're not alone

Like every other dad and mom, I suppose, my husband and I stumbled and stammered--and learned along the way.

We did our best with what we knew at the moment. That's all any of us can do.

    Here's the bottom line. Bathe your parenting with prayer.

Pray God will give you the words as you talk with your child about sex. Then breathe deep and jump in. Trust God to "translate" your halting speech into truth in your child's heart.

The bottom line is, either you help your children form a life view of sexuality and what's right and wrong, or someone else will.

Remember, you're not in this alone, because God loves your child even more than you. He loves it that you care.

I told my friend she can can count on that--and so can you. 

God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.  --1 Corinthians 1:9 

Thankfully,

Lenore

 

Who do you think is teaching your kids about sex?

     Many parents suppose they can delay talking to their children about sex until their preteen years.  

Waiting "until the time is right" is too late. Kids learn about everything--including sex--from their earliest years.  

Think of children as video recorders with legs and you won't be far wrong

Long before we think it matters, kids pick up information and impressions about sex, even when they have no idea what it means. They file these bits and pieces in their memory banks. 

Most of all, they watch how Mommy and Daddy treat each other.

• Mommy and Daddy seem to kiss for a very long time
• Daddy comes home sweaty from the job or a workout--and takes a shower--then winks at Mommy
• She sprays on perfume when she dresses or just before he walks through the door
• Mommy and Daddy smile at each other a lot and he pats her on the rear when he walks by 

Children watch everything--and learn.

They don't quite understand the why of it, but they draw impressions that marriage is different. Something special. 

What about television?

Make no mistake, TV shows--even cartoon shows--convey messages. Not only what's said, but also how characters interact.

How family members react to what's onscreen is crucial. Picture a shapely blond wearing way too few clothes cavorting across the TV screen. If Dad whistles or says, "Wow, look at that!" he's teaching.

Mom might watch some musclebound hunk, sigh and then say, "Isn't he the handsomest thing you've ever seen?" She's teaching, too.

We all know the standard television fare:    

• Crude jokes and suggestive language
• One character using another
• Bed-hopping between singles who just met
• Unfaithfulness between married folks
• The "absolutely mandatory" gay individual in every sitcom--who always turns out to be much more sensitive and caring than characters who are straight

Every one of these "entertainment" shows instructs. About something.

Any time onscreen words and actions contradict what we tell our kids at other times, we miss out on a natural teaching opportunity.   

How? A familiar principle applies here: More is caught than taught.

Children have no filter

It's not just cartoons and sitcoms. Kids also listen in to TV talk shows we think they tune out.

If we say not a word, they'll likely conclude what they're seeing and hearing must be okay, because our silence implies our approval.  

Be pro-active. It may inconvenience you, but pause the TV or turn it off. Then talk through what's just been said or shown and help your children understand the right and wrong of it. Anchor what you say in your family's life and faith standards. 

It's prime time for setting right attitudes

Home is meant to provide the counter-balance for wrong attitudes pressing in from every side.

Seize the moment, often, to quietly tell your children again how God wants us to live.

Keep your goal in mind: To help your youngsters understand how God's standards differ from the wrong behavior they see around them. Little by little they'll form their own strong foundation of faith that gives them a basis for right behavior.  

Feeling overwhelmed? Most of us do. It helps to have some good books with appealing art and kid language for them to read. Scour your Christian bookstore to find what's age-appropriate

The books I know best are the Learning About Sex series from Concordia Publishing House, a Christ-centered publisher. These books feature trustworthy material geared to girls and boys of specific ages. A new revised and updated edition of all the books in the Series was just issued.

I wrote the book for parents, How to Talk Confidently with Your Child about Sex. It takes you through all the stages of your child’s development to assist you in providing accurate biological facts. You'll find suggestions for establishing behaviors, values, and attitudes of a growing Christian.

If this sounds like a reference book, yes. If you expect it to sound scholarly, no. The tone is conversational.

The overall theme of my book--and every book in this Series--is that sexuality is God's good and precious gift to each of us, meant to be the cause of rejoicing between husband and wife.

What if mom and dad have failed in that? We turn to Jesus, to his love and forgiveness, and begin again. This book stresses God's grace in Christ.  

Parents rank at the top

It's sobering to realize that how we moms and dads live our lives really counts with our children.

Example weighs more than words.

Every survey of teenagers proves the same point. Teens say their parents are the biggest influence in their children's lives. 

That lasting parental influence is built, layer by layer. Day by day.  

Don't worry if you stumble along the way. As you integrate bits of information and opinion, you'll feel more at ease talking about sex with your kids.

Think of yourself as the first line of defense against wrong ideas and media influence.

Relax. Trust. Pray

By the way, no parent does everything right.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And we pray, trusting the God who loves our children even more than we.

Then we relax, knowing each of our children is His gift to us.

Feeling shaky? 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.                              --Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Your comments welcomed!

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Fifty shades of not very much

By now it's old news that the Fifty Shades of Grey books and the recently released movie are big hits.

So far the Fifty Shades books have sold over 100 million copies and first weekend movie audience broke records.

People who track such things say most book buyers were/are women and it's estimated 68% of that initial movie audience was female. 

All I can say is, I don't get it.

A thumbnail sketch of the plot

• I haven't read the books or seen the movie--and don't intend to--but probably everyone knows the general plot of this fiction: The handsome "hero" is named Christian and he was sexually abused as a teenager. Supposedly that accounts for his twisted views of sex. He vows he will always be the Dominant.  
  
  
• Christian spots a lovely 21-year old virgin-by-choice, Ana, and in effect, stalks her. She's attracted to him and a relationship develops. His obsession with sadomasochism turns her off, but she's convinced love will change him. She agrees to be his Submissive and to follow his orders . . . without complaint. He introduces her to "The Playroom." (She calls it "The Red Room of Pain"--and that's exactly what it is for her.) 

Here's what puzzles me:

• Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't women say they want their real men to be sensitive?
  
  
• Think how many females are passionate about empowering women and equal rights for women.
  
  
• Female employees across the land frequently complain male bosses and co-workers don't treat women with equal respect, even suing for sexual harassment.
  
  
• Schools and workplaces insist on regular sensitivity training, especially for males.

What's the difference? 

The self-centered Fifty Shades "hero" deliberately inflicts real pain on Ana and enjoys it. How is Christian different from the boyfriend or husband who beats up or sexually abuses "his" woman?

In Fifty Shades Ana knows her lover is sick, but over and over she compromises her values, believing her love will heal him in the end. 

Abused women often say something like this: "I knew he needed help, but again and again I stayed because I thought eventually my love would change him."

Why is the Fifty Shades account considered "romantic" while the other is judged cruel and inhumane? 

Three questions

• Would that kind of relationship appeal to you?
  
  
• Would you want it for your daughter(s)?
  
  
• Would you call it "love?"

The close-to-home trap 

Many would say, "Aw, those books and the movie, they're just entertainment. Just for fun. I would never take it seriously."

Are you sure?

Can you wall off the words and movie images in your mind so they have zero effect on your thinking about the sexual relationship between a man and a woman? 

Are you sure words from the books and images from the movie will never flash into your mind when you and your husband have sex?

Fifty Shades is an empty substitute for love as it's meant to be

Our Christian understanding of love between man and woman never even hints at whips and chains, with a Dominant and a Submissive.  Here's what Jesus said in John 15:12:

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." 

In Ephesians 5:21, the Apostle Paul counseled mutual submission:  

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Love and the sexual relationship between husband and wife are meant to be rich and fulfilling, each one wanting the other's good.

The problem for moms and dads 

"More is caught than taught" is still true. 

Children learn the most when we think they're not looking. Or listening.

Whatever their ages, children don't miss a thing. They file away whatever they pick up, considering it reference material on how to live. 

They do as we do--and value what we value--more than they do as we say. 

Picture a mom telling her daughter she needs to value herself and insist on being treated with respect and telling her son to be sensitive and respectful toward women.

What are they to think when they hear their mom giggling and raving over Fifty Shades and the like with her girlfriends?

Which message will speak the louder? 

Why should any of this matter to us?

The success of these books and the movie mean one thing: From now on, anything goes.

Fiction writers and producers and people that fund media projects need successes. The $$$ generated by Fifty Shades will affect everything we read and watch on a screen from now on. 

• What once might have been viewed as perverted will become "normal."

•  In overt or subtle ways, our society will be changed--and we Christians won't like it very much.

We live in the real world and our kids are growing up in it. All this makes it vital that we talk honestly with our children and grandchildren about healthy Christian sexuality. They need a clear understanding long before they're ready for sex. Otherwise, how can they tell the false from the true?

And who will tell them if we don't?

Lovingly,

Lenore

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Get your kids ready for the new gender attitudes at school

It's back-to-school time and California parents are extra-nervous this year.

Will there be boys in the girls' restroom? Will girl athletes shower with the boys?

Blame it on AB1266, which Governor Brown just signed into law. The stated purpose is to lessen sexual harassment and bullying. Under this new law a boy who'"identifies" with being a girl can use the girls' restroom, locker room and showers. And vice versa.

It's a matter of a student's perception. 

A friend asked, "But what can I do about it?"

I wish I had a remedy, but it's the law and students in public schools are subject to it. How it's implemented from school to school probably will differ, but this law will be talked about.

I think it could be helpful to remind your kids who they are and who God created them to be. (Genesis 1:26-27)  That hasn't changed.

Start by talking through what you believe as a family and your sexual values. Christian moms will want to discuss how faith influences one's view of all of life.

Your kids may want to talk about what they're going to hear more about, the terms lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. Clear up any confusion of the specifics of each of these lifestyles. 

Keep it light, with give-and-take. Be sure your children get all their questions answered and have a clear understanding. Otherwise they'll be prey to everyone else's ideas.

You may think you're giving way too much information, but remember, anyone can recite biological facts. This is your opening to talk about attitudes and behavior and help your kids set strong values for life.

Start much earlier than you might think you need to

Pay attention to what's being taught in the schools your kids attend. Be alert to information coming from organizations like Gender Spectrum. This agency educates teahcers and administrators in how they should think and how to teach their students the "right" attitudes about sexual identity.

Gender Spectrum also produces books and programs to be used beginning in kindergarten. Their stated goal is to ensure that children grow up free of any sort of gender prejudice.

Sounds all modern and enlightened, doesn't it? They maintain that children need not consider themselves a "boy" or "a girl" just because of their body parts. What matters is, do they feel more like a boy or more like a girl.

Make your home a solid foundation

• Let your family be one where anybody can ask any question or bring up any topic without getting put down. Then you'll know what your kids are thinking.
  
  
• Talk often about why the Bible teaches a  different way of living. Talk about how God loves us and wants the best for his people.
  
  
• Model the kind of talking and actions you want to see in your children and teens.
  
  
• Get involved in your church as a family. The more time your kids spend on "church stuff," the more likely they'll make Christian friends.
  
  
• Be a parent who volunteers at school so you know what goes on.
  
  
• Speak up and write letters when you spot disturbing trends. 
  

Feeling overwhelmed?

Here's the prescription. You and I need to fill our minds with the hugeness of God instead of our own inadequacies by reading Bible verses like this:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.    --Isaiah 41:10

One thing you can know for sure. God watches over your children, always. 

Trusting, too,

Lenore

 

 

 

 

 

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