A WOMAN'S VIEW ~ Lenore Buth

Build a lasting marriage on "we" instead of "me"

Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him--or her--happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds. 

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

• The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.
• No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions. 
• Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish. 

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect. 

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.  

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think--or care--about the needs of our husband or wife. 

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time--or energy--for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.   

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak--kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice: 

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives. 

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

• God before we 
• We before you
• You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  ESV

This much I know for sure 

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always, 

Lenore

How to put more joy in your marriage

Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?     

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

Then came babies. 

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

Yet, somehow they did.     

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ....

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

• "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
• "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
• "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better--if He chose--so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

 "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage--and in me. 

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them--and their marriages. 

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength ... The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself--or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends! 

Lenore

The standards for living that matter most

It took me too long to realize I was holding myself to standards that weren't my own. 

It traced back to childhood, when grownups in my life had a favorite line, always delivered in you-need-to-remember-this tones: 

"Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

I took it seriously. Too seriously. That saying caused me to act, well, a bit irrational at times.

I say "irrational" because I never qualified for the title of Neat Freak. Like most mothers of several kids (we have four) it took all I had to sort of keep up with things.  

Yet when I cleaned, by George, I cleaned.

Did anyone care? Did anyone even notice those sparkling corners?

Nope. I can't remember a single time when family members--or a guest--walked in and said, "Your place is immaculate! You are amazing!"

That's life 

Once I became a wife and then a mom I discovered the people I loved mostly took me for granted. I hated it, of course. I remember a few choice "discussions" my husband and I had about that very thing.

I forgot to look at the other side, the good side. Later, I came to understand that in a marriage, within a family, taking each other for granted usually means we feel secure with each other. We should be celebrating, shouldn't we?

Such ease with each other becomes dangerous only if we forget to be grateful for what each one says and does to show love and make life happier for the other(s.)

(Never for a minute think I'm saying we forget about saying, "please" and "thank you" to each other.) 

The question to be asking ourselves is, "How am I showing my love?"

Relax, there are no "right" answers. Each marriage and each family is unique because God created people to be one-of-a-kind. What matters is that we demonstrate our love and contribute to our marriage in our own way. Plants require regular care and feeding. So do marriages.

And--just as important--we need to see and hear each one as an individual.

A family is like a chemical formula. Each family member is an essential element. They won't know that unless we say so. Often. 

Love=Accepting and applauding individuality 

To appreciate another's differentness may call on us to stretch our understanding.

Husbands and wives, well, you know the cliche: We marry our opposites. Marriage naturally allows us everyday opportunities to observe "the other" up close and personal. We need to look for strengths. Life together as marriage partners requires us to let each other grow as individuals, too.

As parents it's not long before we realize each child is an individual. Understanding them and being glad for who they are can be a challenge that goes on for years.

For example, a dad I know is built like a linebacker and exudes physical strength. His young son digs ballet. Think maybe that dad felt out of his comfort zone as he watched his son dance? Even so, he did it and came to see the beauty of ballet.

The mom who fought to achieve in her career discovers her daughter who excelled in math and science cares nothing at all for a college education and just wants to "find her own way." 

For all of us, maintaining a loving marriage and rearing our children takes all we have--and more--because every human being keeps growing and changing over a lifetime. 

That's why it's so worthwhile to pray for eyes that truly see and ears that truly hear each other.  

The heart connection

However we contribute to keep our marriage or family thriving, what matters most is that we give with our whole heart.

And with good cheer. Grudging gifts and gestures of love benefit no one and don't look or feel much like love.

Let's concentrate on what strengthens our family, what matters most for life and what feeds our spirit. Now, that's worth doing--and doing it well. (Trust me, whether every corner of your home sparkles is irrelevant.)

If we're to sum up what matters most in a word, it's this: Love. Do that well and all the rest will come together.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect harmony.   --Colossians 3:14  NIV

Still learning,

Lenore

Get marriage tips from strangers in an airport

Standing in the airport's long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the thirtyish couple standing ahead of us.

The petite wife pushed her long dark hair behind her ear and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends," she said between sobs.

"I know, I know," her husband said, wrapping his burly arms around her.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Look, we've talked this over so many times and we have to go. The decision is made. We agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. Remember?"

She nodded, tears streaking her cheeks.

"It will be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airlines clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Neither one said a word. She bit her quivering lip and wiped her eyes. The husband appeared stoic, almost wooden. I know that look because I've seen it on my husband's face.

Soon the wife headed toward the ladies' restroom.

That's when I glimpsed his heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man without emotion or so excited and confident that her misgivings about their upcoming move didn't matter.

She sat down next to her husband, smiling a wavering smile, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Neither one said a word.

How often do we miss what the one closest to us is feeling?

Often we hide what's going on inside.

The "experts" say females are more likely to be in touch with our feelings and more able to communicate them than are most males.

That being true, it's not surprising husbands and wives often talk past each other. When we wives say what we're feeling we expect our husbands to respond with equal emotion. Often they don't, either because they can't find the words or because they really don't know what they're feeling.  

We mistake their silence for tuning us out. We're quick to label them "cold" or "uncaring," even "selfish."

That day I saw both sides acted out

The young husband telegraphed his personal struggle the minute his wife walked away. His shoulders drooped and his lower lip quivered. But for her sake, he never let his wife see that.

She couldn't have known he harbored some doubts of his own. 

I wanted to tell them. I had to fight the urge to walk over and say, "Be honest with each other, now, before it's final, or this could drive a wedge between you. Talk it through. Cry together. Pray together. It may hurt, but it will draw you together and make you one again."

How do I know? Because my husband and I have lived out situations of our own. Lived them out both ways. Yes, we've survived and we've worked it out eventually. But later, more than once we've thought, Oh, what a waste of time and pain when we could have been there for each other.

Sharing honestly--with kindness and consideration--might not have changed anything, outwardly. Still, it would have made all the difference in how we got through our days and got from here to there.

Do you mean we should never keep our feelings to ourselves?

No, of course not. To "let it all hang out" every single time can be destructive. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is zip our lips.

Why would we do that? Because while we may not like the thing that's before us or the mess we're living through, we believe in our marriage and that's more important than our individual feelings of the moment. 

What matters is that the two of us know we're in it together. One motto applies, in every situation:

Keep your eye on your oneness and overlook the temporary struggle.   

As for the ending to the airport story  

I don't know what happened to those two, but they caused me to look within. I had to ask myself, how often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, a personal object lesson. A reminder to look--and judge--with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's not the kind of love Jesus spoke of.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  --John 13:34-35 (NIV)

It's funny how God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways, isn't it?

If we open the eyes of our hearts.

In love,

Lenore

Related articles

Who told you who you are--and do you still believe it?

We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.  

Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to.
Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.

If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.

Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you. 

The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.

Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up 

• "You make me sick!"  
• "Can't you ever do anything right?" 
• "You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it." 

Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible. 

Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.

In some families--or marriages--hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even--or perhaps more so--if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.

(And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?) 

You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.    --Ephesians 4:29  (NIV)

The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead

It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!

You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.

So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.

(If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)

After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.

Then believe it!

What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?

No parent--or spouse--is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.  

Life-giving words can change lives.

Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.

What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")

The great thing--and a hard thing--is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart." 

This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top. 

Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too. 

It's not only children who crave words that give life

Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.

But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."

Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony--and it is. Steady and sincere love--in word and actions--is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.

What kind of words?

• "I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."
• "Thanks. I appreciate you."
• "It means so much to know I can always count on you."
• "I love you."

Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home--or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?

(Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)

Again, Paul lays out our motivation. 

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. --Colossians 3:12,17  (NIV) 

There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.

They're the gift that truly does keep giving--for life.

Still growing, too, 

Lenore

 

How to be happier in the marriage you're in

Here's a question to ponder: Are you "all in" in your marriage?

That is, where do you rank your marriage relationship in your value system?

Some wives and husbands are consumed--and fed--by their jobs.

For couples with children, either one or both may place their children's needs before everything--and everyone--else.

Still others concentrate on their personal growth and interests such as music or sports or physical fitness. That's what fills them up as individuals.

It's easy to assume the relationship between wife and husband kind of takes care of itself

As one husband said, "Well, we're married for Pete's sake. Isn't that enough of a statement?"

A wife said, "We don't have much one-on-one time anymore, but someday we will. He loves me and I love him and well, it's restful to just relax and not try so hard."

Always, the danger is that one or both spouses may feel a nagging sense something is lacking in their marriage.

Can a marriage grow strong on leftovers of time and energy?

A green plant stuck in a dark corner and watered "whenever" may cling to life, but it will be a pitiful, spindly thing. Something like that happens to a marriage relationship left on its own to wait until everyone and everything else is taken care of.

Like any living thing, a marriage needs care and tending if it's to thrive instead of wither. 

Here's the good news. What nurtures the marriage also feeds and buoys up the marriage partners. 

If this sounds like a win-win situation, it is.

I need a turnaround. Where do I start?

Before you do anything else, pray for fresh eyes to see, a teachable spirit and courage to change. Trust me, you'll need all three.

It's tempting to first identify all the ways your spouse needs to change, but that's a waste of time. The only person you or I can change is the one that looks back at us from our mirrors. 

Try making a list of what's right instead. Use your smart phone, your computer, or plain old paper and ballpoint pen.

Whatever means you choose, hang onto this list.

Now start writing. Don't quit until you've written down ten or more qualities or habits you truly value in your wife or husband. Read it out loud to yourself.

Keep your list handy

Reread your list every day. Add to it as you spot additional pluses--and you will, now that you're looking for what's good.

One more thing--and this may be the most important--don't keep it to yourself.  Compliment your husband or wife and be specific, even if it feels unnatural at first.

Pay attention to how your mood changes over time and how your spouse reacts. Is there a new warmth between you?

As this becomes your habitual way of relating to each other, you won't want to give it up.

Modeling for the next generation 

Today most kids interact with peers whose parents have split. Often they fear their mom and dad will be next.

Here's how to add to their security, big -time. Youngsters who know their parents love each other deeply and put each other first experience a deep-down sense of peace and stability. 

                   You read that right: Parents who put each other first                                             give their children a solid, stable base for life.

Every day such parents provide life lessons on how to live as Christian marriage partners. That's more powerful than any words.

Looking for reliable guidelines?

Here are some which have stood the test of time. 

If I  speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal . . . Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things . . . So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.                       --1 Corinthians 13:1, 4-7, 13  (ESV)

I never read those words without remembering the speaker who told us, "When you read those words, substitute your own name for the word 'love.'"

Ouch!

You know and I know not one of us can live up to that list perfectly, every day.

Nevertheless, it shows us what perfect love looks like. For me, at least, it helps guide me back to the way I want to love my husband. 

Still growing, 

Lenore